Retired husband and younger wife still working - did this work for you long term?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you worried about?

That he won't find any hobbies or have much social interaction when I'm away for my job. Right now he's not showing any interest in joining social groups, going to classes, volunteering, making new friends outside work.

That he'll turn into a couch potato and become physically unfit.

That once I retire in 8 or 10 years he will feel 'too old' to start doing things together like travelling, hiking, etc. If I retire in 10 years he will be 73.

That we'll miss out on doing things together while we're still relatively young (which is now). The time for him to do all the things he didn't have time for when he was working is NOW. Life is too short.

That his health could decline and we won't be able to do fun things together once I retire.

A few thoughts on this -- if you're worried about his health and staying active, then you need to be active together when you're in town. Start a daily walk and maybe he'll continue with it when you're out of town working. If you're worried about traveling, there is nothing stopping you from traveling together now. Use your vacation time!! Do you travel to locations where you could tack on a trip at the end? Or locations that he might find interesting if he tagged along with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was my parents. My Dad retired when our family moved because it was getting complicated (wasn't worth it) to get his license to practice in a different state. He binged watched TV for a bit, hung around the house, listened to the news while gardening. Eventually he met some friends and would meet up for breakfast/coffee. He joined a gym, grocery shopped, cooked dinners and tried his hand at doing laundry (usually my mom had done this). They also met new couples that they hung out with socially. They traveled a bit too.

OP again. My husband is currently at the stage where he binge watches TV, hangs around the house, sits in the yard reading the news online. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.
He also works in the yard, and he takes care of most of the household admin.

When he was working my husband was always so career oriented that he doesn't really have friends here. He used to leave our house very early in the morning and get back home from work late. Often he felt too tired and drained to socialize at weekends.
I do hope he will try and socialize and meet new people within our local community.

[Anonymous]

Do fun stuff now. I’m 57 and DH is 66 and recently was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. It’s really tough. I still work pt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do fun stuff now. I’m 57 and DH is 66 and recently was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. It’s really tough. I still work pt.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband. That sounds really hard.

We do go on vacations and we travel already. I'm going away for work again in two weeks (2 nights/3 days). I suggested he could tag along but he said no, that retirement should not be a 'perpetual vacation'. I think he is still feeling a bit guilty for leaving his job and his co-workers when things were getting really hectic and stressful at his office.

He hasn't told many people of his retirement. He says he would feel a bit awkward telling people he's not doing anything now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you worried about?

That he won't find any hobbies or have much social interaction when I'm away for my job. Right now he's not showing any interest in joining social groups, going to classes, volunteering, making new friends outside work.

That he'll turn into a couch potato and become physically unfit.

That once I retire in 8 or 10 years he will feel 'too old' to start doing things together like travelling, hiking, etc. If I retire in 10 years he will be 73.

That we'll miss out on doing things together while we're still relatively young (which is now). The time for him to do all the things he didn't have time for when he was working is NOW. Life is too short.

That his health could decline and we won't be able to do fun things together once I retire.

I think this is a real possibility. Have you talked about it with him? Hopefully, he'll get bored soon (after the newness wears off) and he'll start finding things to do.

OP - agree that it’s a worry because this lifestyle is is the perfect recipe for dementia. Ask me how I know.

I’ll be in the same position, but hopefully DH remains active. If you’re self employed, can you travel and work? That make a difference.

[Anonymous]

OP, I do think many wives find that their older husbands don't have any connection in the community. People will say it is his decision how to live his retirement -- but I think it is fine to prod him. I don't know how to do it exactly, but I think you have to push him out of his comfort zone and get him connected in multiple ways to your local community. Figure out what would motivate him to do it but -- here are some ideas:

- something with the local cub scouts
- join a men's club at the church or civid group
- local political organization that holds events, lectures etc.
- get on the town listserv if there is one
- join the school PTA -- our PTAs have community members

Do something with people who are young (kids), people who are young adults (mentoring), people who are young parents, people who are older (politics probably) and old farts like himself. A mix of ages. It isn't enough to just have a few friends his age who go out to eat together. You have to push this, and probably get involved yourself too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I do think many wives find that their older husbands don't have any connection in the community. People will say it is his decision how to live his retirement -- but I think it is fine to prod him. I don't know how to do it exactly, but I think you have to push him out of his comfort zone and get him connected in multiple ways to your local community. Figure out what would motivate him to do it but -- here are some ideas:

- something with the local cub scouts
- join a men's club at the church or civid group
- local political organization that holds events, lectures etc.
- get on the town listserv if there is one
- join the school PTA -- our PTAs have community members

Do something with people who are young (kids), people who are young adults (mentoring), people who are young parents, people who are older (politics probably) and old farts like himself. A mix of ages. It isn't enough to just have a few friends his age who go out to eat together. You have to push this, and probably get involved yourself too.

Good grief. You sound insufferable. Do you try to micro-manage everyone’s life in your family like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I do think many wives find that their older husbands don't have any connection in the community. People will say it is his decision how to live his retirement -- but I think it is fine to prod him. I don't know how to do it exactly, but I think you have to push him out of his comfort zone and get him connected in multiple ways to your local community. Figure out what would motivate him to do it but -- here are some ideas:

- something with the local cub scouts
- join a men's club at the church or civid group
- local political organization that holds events, lectures etc.
- get on the town listserv if there is one
- join the school PTA -- our PTAs have community members

Do something with people who are young (kids), people who are young adults (mentoring), people who are young parents, people who are older (politics probably) and old farts like himself. A mix of ages. It isn't enough to just have a few friends his age who go out to eat together. You have to push this, and probably get involved yourself too.

This is OP here. Thanks for the suggestions but I don't think my husband is up for any of this ... for now. He's not even looking into local community groups and activities right now. He told me he's looking forward to spending the summer in our garden (which is looking pretty by the way). I don't think he wants to be part of anything that involves group activities or even obligations or commitments to others.

He spent years of his working life in senior management, in a very full on, demanding and often stressful job, and it has taken a lot out of him.
He may well need a year to adjust to his new found freedom before he decides what to do next.

[Anonymous]

Poor guy can’t even relax and enjoy his retirement without his controlling wife nagging him to do a bunch of things he has no interest in doing. 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Poor guy can’t even relax and enjoy his retirement without his controlling wife nagging him to do a bunch of things he has no interest in doing. 🙄

OP here. I'm not nagging. I'm merely making suggestions to my husband. Personally I don't think it's healthy to just have your spouse for company and entertainment at our age, especially as we don't have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Retire friend told me he wished his wife would retire too. She was still working and in a job that reguired her to do alot of traveling.with him. I ask, "what would you want to do if you were both retired?" He said, "travel".

It had never occured to him that he could probably find some trips of hers to tag along. That he would want to go on. Be the tag along spouse, on her business trips. Extend the trip some, add-in some other locations, do some sightseeing on your own. Make it work.

DH and i are going to do this. I stepped away from work for 7 years because of family demands. Our youngest just graduated from HS and we agreed I would not look for a gig as it would probably be hard to find one with the flexibility that DH has now. I am going to join him for some trips, especially ones where we have family/friends.

I saw a variation of this with friends of ours - no kids and a country house they go to every weekend. She was let go of an executive job she had held for years when in her early 60s. And she decided not to look for a new gig and didn't need to for finances. Her DH, who still had about 8 years of work left before he wanted to consider retiring, ended up taking a job where he was out of town M-TH. Sadly she wouldn't budge on their weekend arrangement. He even suggested that she spend one weekend a month at his new job site, one weekend in their city house, and two weekends in the country. She refused. He kept the job up for two years, but the travel got to him and he quit. I realized that if I were in similar circumstances, I would want to make it work, even if it meant changing up my routine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor guy can’t even relax and enjoy his retirement without his controlling wife nagging him to do a bunch of things he has no interest in doing. 🙄

OP here. I'm not nagging. I'm merely making suggestions to my husband. Personally I don't think it's healthy to just have your spouse for company and entertainment at our age, especially as we don't have kids.

You think someone who lived for years without friends and a social life is all of a sudden going to develop an interest in forming a community? Your husband’s coworkers weren’t really his friends. He has been living this life for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor guy can’t even relax and enjoy his retirement without his controlling wife nagging him to do a bunch of things he has no interest in doing. 🙄

OP here. I'm not nagging. I'm merely making suggestions to my husband. Personally I don't think it's healthy to just have your spouse for company and entertainment at our age, especially as we don't have kids.

You think someone who lived for years without friends and a social life is all of a sudden going to develop an interest in forming a community? Your husband’s coworkers weren’t really his friends. He has been living this life for years.

This is OP again. You may be right and it worries me a bit, albeit prematurely. My husband says he's missing his friends at work (i.e. his co-workers). His job was his life. His days were structured and he had a role.
I know it's early days ...

One of my uncles retired 7 years ago at the age of 65. He recently told me that he's busier than ever. He goes cycling, he does gardening, he signed up for wine appreciation classes, he and my aunt (who is also retired) go on day trips or get together for cocktails with friends ...
Sounds nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor guy can’t even relax and enjoy his retirement without his controlling wife nagging him to do a bunch of things he has no interest in doing. 🙄

OP here. I'm not nagging. I'm merely making suggestions to my husband. Personally I don't think it's healthy to just have your spouse for company and entertainment at our age, especially as we don't have kids.

You think someone who lived for years without friends and a social life is all of a sudden going to develop an interest in forming a community? Your husband’s coworkers weren’t really his friends. He has been living this life for years.

This is OP again. You may be right and it worries me a bit, albeit prematurely. My husband says he's missing his friends at work (i.e. his co-workers). His job was his life. His days were structured and he had a role.
I know it's early days ...

One of my uncles retired 7 years ago at the age of 65. He recently told me that he's busier than ever. He goes cycling, he does gardening, he signed up for wine appreciation classes, he and my aunt (who is also retired) go on day trips or get together for cocktails with friends ...
Sounds nice.

Why do you need your husband to all of a sudden develop all of these interests and make friends? It’s not like his previous job was that exciting. I don’t see how him working and only being friends with coworkers is really any better. I’d try to focus on yourself and not worry about this. Let the man do what he wants to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is OP here. Thanks for the suggestions but I don't think my husband is up for any of this ... for now. He's not even looking into local community groups and activities right now. He told me he's looking forward to spending the summer in our garden (which is looking pretty by the way). I don't think he wants to be part of anything that involves group activities or even obligations or commitments to others.

He spent years of his working life in senior management, in a very full on, demanding and often stressful job, and it has taken a lot out of him.
He may well need a year to adjust to his new found freedom before he decides what to do next.

I get that OP. Lots of men of this generation are the same way. I'm just telling you -- anonymous wife to anonymous wife -- this has to change. Guys get so isolated in the older years, and then God forbid the wife dies before the husband -- they are lost because they simply didn't invest the time in building connections within the community.

You said you don't have kids, so you didn't have to do this with your own teens -- sometimes you really have to pry and nudge and nag them to get out there are form connections. Yes, you do. Yes it is meddling and interfering but it will benefit them AND YOU (key point) in the long run.

No, I don't suggest you give your husband a list and tell him he has do join all the things and do all the projects. But yes, I think older men need to be helped along this path to being more social. You know him best, what would intrigue him or make him want to get involved in civic life or help him make connections?

Married men rely on wive, jobs for social life; lonely in retirement
https://www.alegrecare.com/single-post/2018/06/04/are-senior-men-more-prone-to-loneliness-and-isolation


Isolation and retired men: UK.
https://www.independentage.org/sites/default/files/2016-05/isolation-the-emerging-crisis-for-older-men-report.pdf