Retired husband and younger wife still working - did this work for you long term?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Good grief. You sound insufferable. Do you try to micro-manage everyone’s life in your family like this?

Just old men that I am going to have to live with for another 25 years....

And teens who fail to launch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you worried about?

That he won't find any hobbies or have much social interaction when I'm away for my job. Right now he's not showing any interest in joining social groups, going to classes, volunteering, making new friends outside work.

That he'll turn into a couch potato and become physically unfit.

That once I retire in 8 or 10 years he will feel 'too old' to start doing things together like travelling, hiking, etc. If I retire in 10 years he will be 73.

That we'll miss out on doing things together while we're still relatively young (which is now). The time for him to do all the things he didn't have time for when he was working is NOW. Life is too short.

That his health could decline and we won't be able to do fun things together once I retire.

It is a real possibility. No one can tell you what the future holds.

Of course there are exceptions, but I have heard the 60’s are the “ go go”retirement years. The 70’s are the “slow go” years, and the 80’s are the “no go” years.

[Anonymous]

There are many many books on how to “succeed at retirement.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you worried about?

That he won't find any hobbies or have much social interaction when I'm away for my job. Right now he's not showing any interest in joining social groups, going to classes, volunteering, making new friends outside work.

That he'll turn into a couch potato and become physically unfit.

That once I retire in 8 or 10 years he will feel 'too old' to start doing things together like travelling, hiking, etc. If I retire in 10 years he will be 73.

That we'll miss out on doing things together while we're still relatively young (which is now). The time for him to do all the things he didn't have time for when he was working is NOW. Life is too short.

That his health could decline and we won't be able to do fun things together once I retire.

I think this is a real possibility. Have you talked about it with him? Hopefully, he'll get bored soon (after the newness wears off) and he'll start finding things to do.

yep. DH is 58, me 52, and I think about this a lot. DH wants to retire in 2 to 4 years. So, I'm going to retire within a year after him. We want to be young enough to do things together.

DH would find lots of things to do around the house. Not worried about him being bored in that year.

Unlike OP, I don't mind retiring in a few years.

[Anonymous]

Didn’t you discuss this before you got married? What was the plan?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t you discuss this before you got married? What was the plan?

I am the OP. No, we never discussed his retirement before we got married.
We got married in 1998. I was 30 and he was 39. We didn't have a plan and we didn't have a crystal ball either.

My husband was always going to stay in the same industry he worked when we got married, and climb the career ladder, whereas I was never tied to one specific industry as I have more transferable skills.
His job was always more stable than mine.

However we never had a long term plan of 10, 15, 20+ years.

[Anonymous]

I get that OP. Lots of men of this generation are the same way. I'm just telling you -- anonymous wife to anonymous wife -- this has to change. Guys get so isolated in the older years, and then God forbid the wife dies before the husband -- they are lost because they simply didn't invest the time in building connections within the community.

Maybe he's an introvert and DNGAF about "connections within the community". I'm an introvert and everything suggested here (joining social groups, going to classes, volunteering, making new friends outside work) sounds exhausting. I'd be perfectly happy spending my retirement doing my introvert activities like reading, working out, skiing, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I get that OP. Lots of men of this generation are the same way. I'm just telling you -- anonymous wife to anonymous wife -- this has to change. Guys get so isolated in the older years, and then God forbid the wife dies before the husband -- they are lost because they simply didn't invest the time in building connections within the community.

Maybe he's an introvert and DNGAF about "connections within the community". I'm an introvert and everything suggested here (joining social groups, going to classes, volunteering, making new friends outside work) sounds exhausting. I'd be perfectly happy spending my retirement doing my introvert activities like reading, working out, skiing, etc.

Female introvert here, would also add walking dogs to that list. Not everyone wants to play cards with the neighborhood ladies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you worried about?

That he won't find any hobbies or have much social interaction when I'm away for my job. Right now he's not showing any interest in joining social groups, going to classes, volunteering, making new friends outside work.

That he'll turn into a couch potato and become physically unfit.

That once I retire in 8 or 10 years he will feel 'too old' to start doing things together like travelling, hiking, etc. If I retire in 10 years he will be 73.

That we'll miss out on doing things together while we're still relatively young (which is now). The time for him to do all the things he didn't have time for when he was working is NOW. Life is too short.

That his health could decline and we won't be able to do fun things together once I retire.

All these are real possibilities. Some you can do something about but you don't want to (you can retire now and spend time together). Some are consequences of your decision - you working, not having time together now and later. You can't have both ways and you know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I do think many wives find that their older husbands don't have any connection in the community. People will say it is his decision how to live his retirement -- but I think it is fine to prod him. I don't know how to do it exactly, but I think you have to push him out of his comfort zone and get him connected in multiple ways to your local community. Figure out what would motivate him to do it but -- here are some ideas:

- something with the local cub scouts
- join a men's club at the church or civid group
- local political organization that holds events, lectures etc.
- get on the town listserv if there is one
- join the school PTA -- our PTAs have community members

Do something with people who are young (kids), people who are young adults (mentoring), people who are young parents, people who are older (politics probably) and old farts like himself. A mix of ages. It isn't enough to just have a few friends his age who go out to eat together. You have to push this, and probably get involved yourself too.

NO!

This is OP here. Thanks for the suggestions but I don't think my husband is up for any of this ... for now. He's not even looking into local community groups and activities right now. He told me he's looking forward to spending the summer in our garden (which is looking pretty by the way). I don't think he wants to be part of anything that involves group activities or even obligations or commitments to others.

He spent years of his working life in senior management, in a very full on, demanding and often stressful job, and it has taken a lot out of him.
He may well need a year to adjust to his new found freedom before he decides what to do next.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor guy can’t even relax and enjoy his retirement without his controlling wife nagging him to do a bunch of things he has no interest in doing. 🙄

OP here. I'm not nagging. I'm merely making suggestions to my husband. Personally I don't think it's healthy to just have your spouse for company and entertainment at our age, especially as we don't have kids.

np - i think his retirement sounds good to me. just let him be op. you are not his mother, he worked much longer than you have and probably totally burnt out... it is your decision to extend your career, you will have to deal with missing time with him. that's the price you pay. but at the moment, i don't understand why you can't let him be. and please do not make "suggestions". from guys standpoint, that's just another word for nagging. obviously, guy here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you worried about?

That he won't find any hobbies or have much social interaction when I'm away for my job. Right now he's not showing any interest in joining social groups, going to classes, volunteering, making new friends outside work.

That he'll turn into a couch potato and become physically unfit.

That once I retire in 8 or 10 years he will feel 'too old' to start doing things together like travelling, hiking, etc. If I retire in 10 years he will be 73.

That we'll miss out on doing things together while we're still relatively young (which is now). The time for him to do all the things he didn't have time for when he was working is NOW. Life is too short.

That his health could decline and we won't be able to do fun things together once I retire.

All these are real possibilities. Some you can do something about but you don't want to (you can retire now and spend time together). Some are consequences of your decision - you working, not having time together now and later. You can't have both ways and you know that.

OP again.
Yes, I know. There are actions and consequences.

I find myself way too young for retirement. I'm 54 but I don't feel like 54. In my head I'm still 34! For years after I graduated I worked in office jobs that were OK with a reasonable salary and perks, but that weren't really 'me'.
10 years ago I started doing the type of work I do now and it suits me perfectly.
I get to travel around the country for work, I stay in nice hotels, all expenses paid for by the companies who hire me.I don't want to give it up yet. My husband also encourages me to keep working in this job for the time being as he knows I enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you worried about?

That he won't find any hobbies or have much social interaction when I'm away for my job. Right now he's not showing any interest in joining social groups, going to classes, volunteering, making new friends outside work.

That he'll turn into a couch potato and become physically unfit.

That once I retire in 8 or 10 years he will feel 'too old' to start doing things together like travelling, hiking, etc. If I retire in 10 years he will be 73.

That we'll miss out on doing things together while we're still relatively young (which is now). The time for him to do all the things he didn't have time for when he was working is NOW. Life is too short.

That his health could decline and we won't be able to do fun things together once I retire.

All these are real possibilities. Some you can do something about but you don't want to (you can retire now and spend time together). Some are consequences of your decision - you working, not having time together now and later. You can't have both ways and you know that.

OP again.
Yes, I know. There are actions and consequences.

I find myself way too young for retirement. I'm 54 but I don't feel like 54. In my head I'm still 34! For years after I graduated I worked in office jobs that were OK with a reasonable salary and perks, but that weren't really 'me'.
10 years ago I started doing the type of work I do now and it suits me perfectly.
I get to travel around the country for work, I stay in nice hotels, all expenses paid for by the companies who hire me.I don't want to give it up yet. My husband also encourages me to keep working in this job for the time being as he knows I enjoy it.

You don't need to justify your decision to us. It is yours and yours only.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds like an introvert who is enjoying finally having a break from the grind of forced social interactions required in an office environment.

There is nothing whatsoever wrong with gardening, reading, watching TV. He should be walking or other regular activity to keep up his fitness - but he probably spends less time sitting in a chair now than he did when he was at his managerial job pushing paper. Do you have a dog? If not, maybe consider getting him one so he has a good companion for when you’re away on work trips.

It’s definitely too soon to complain or worry. But yes his health will decline - that happens to everyone. It’s aging. As long as he is engaging in some regular physical activity to keep his core strong, he’ll still be able to hike with you in ten years barring some serious illness diagnosis.

Live and let live.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry but c'mon -- you married a much older man, and he retired at a reasonable age. He is who he is, and you should have seen this coming. Don't start nagging or attempting to control him about what he should or shouldn't be doing in HIS retirement years. And, yes, in 8 or 10 years from now when you're ready to retire he probably won't be ready/willing to drop everything and join in with you in "all the fun." He'll be in his friggin 70s with a decade worth of retirement already behind him.

Let the man live his own life the way he sees fit.