Internalized misogyny

[Anonymous]

“Not like other women” attitudes. Women will sometimes fall into the trap of believing they are “cool girls” and unlike other women because they aren’t over sensitive, they like sports, they think women are dramatic etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Criticizing female managers when they act the way a male manager would. Demanding that female managers be somehow kinder, gentler, in touch with their emotions, etc.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Johnny Depp.

Women don’t report abuse for theatre. Women report abuse as courageous acts. Why don’t they report it more?

Johnny Depp.

You’re an idiot. Amber Heard is a psycho abuser. She is a manipulator. Johnny Depp is the victim, just like his father was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the poster that mentioned it. So, I’m assuming you want examples of where women have internalized misogynistic ideas. Examples would be:

Jumping in at work to make the coffee, plan the parties, take the meeting notes.
Writing all the thank you notes after the wedding
Jumping in to manage the relationship with their in laws
Feeling bad when you make more money than your husband
Judging women for how they dress
When you hear about a sexual assault, immediately wondering why the woman was there and if she was drunk

I could go on and on.

OP here. Wow, thanks. I’ve been with my husband for 12 years and just in the last 2-3 years I’ve had this growing awareness that I am perpetuating a lot of my own problems and complaints. It never occurred to me that they were internalized misogyny, but I check like 4 of the above items. Including writing all thank you notes, always jumping in to plan everything, managing relationships. I’ve basically cut myself off cold Turkey but I am still very much in the work of it.

I will add one - for decades I thought it was justified to feel self-disgust for being less than an ideal size that much resembled a heroin chic model. Now I’m working on discarding that idea. Even though I’ve rejected it intellectually a lot of the emotions are still there.

I’m amazed at how common this is and also it is empowering because I realize I can change my boundaries and do something about it.

The reality is that I somehow managed to become an ardent feminist after being raised in a home that was rampant with misogyny. And honestly, it wasn’t even intentional. I remember starting my first job after college as a paralegal at a BigLaw firm. We had an all day meeting on a Saturday. The partner asked me to go make coffee. I’ve never drink coffee and my family didn’t have a coffee maker. I had to say “I don’t know how to make coffee.” I spent 45 minutes in the room hearing all the level setting in the deal room while my male counterpart spent like 45 minutes going somewhere to make coffee and bringing it in to everyone. I was like “ding, ding, ding… I am NEVER learning to make coffee.” 20 years later I’m a C suite Exec that doesn’t know how to make coffee.

My husband invited 350 people to our wedding and I invited 100. I made very clear that he was writing the thank you notes for all his people because his list was INSANE. It wasn’t some big feminist statement — it was just “you are bananas and I’m not dealing with this.”

Assuming you are in the work force, read over every email you write and consider removing all “I think” and “I believe” statements. Just say “we should do X.”

And really, you don’t have to plan all the things. In actuality, I do most planning (although not with my husband’s family). My husband is the great executor of the plans I make. But he sure as heck can plan Mother’s Day. And we see his family once or twice a month with him managing the planning.

You sound like an idiot. You were a paralegal and that why he asked you to make coffee. Why must women find misogyny in everything? Forever wanting to be a victim.

[Anonymous]

Not another man hating thread by some old hags who think they’re victims. Grow the hell up and stop trying to find yourself being a victim I’m very situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not another man hating thread by some old hags who think they’re victims. Grow the hell up and stop trying to find yourself being a victim I’m very situation.

It’s funny how there are countless threads on here bashing men but not one about men bashing women yet women are somehow the victims. Most of you have the intellectual and emotionally maturity of a 5 year old.

[Anonymous]

There is no. You just lie to make yourself feel better about being a victim. It must suck to live your life thinking you’re a victim of your own delusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the poster that mentioned it. So, I’m assuming you want examples of where women have internalized misogynistic ideas. Examples would be:

Jumping in at work to make the coffee, plan the parties, take the meeting notes.
Writing all the thank you notes after the wedding
Jumping in to manage the relationship with their in laws
Feeling bad when you make more money than your husband
Judging women for how they dress
When you hear about a sexual assault, immediately wondering why the woman was there and if she was drunk

I could go on and on.

OP here. Wow, thanks. I’ve been with my husband for 12 years and just in the last 2-3 years I’ve had this growing awareness that I am perpetuating a lot of my own problems and complaints. It never occurred to me that they were internalized misogyny, but I check like 4 of the above items. Including writing all thank you notes, always jumping in to plan everything, managing relationships. I’ve basically cut myself off cold Turkey but I am still very much in the work of it.

I will add one - for decades I thought it was justified to feel self-disgust for being less than an ideal size that much resembled a heroin chic model. Now I’m working on discarding that idea. Even though I’ve rejected it intellectually a lot of the emotions are still there.

I’m amazed at how common this is and also it is empowering because I realize I can change my boundaries and do something about it.

The reality is that I somehow managed to become an ardent feminist after being raised in a home that was rampant with misogyny. And honestly, it wasn’t even intentional. I remember starting my first job after college as a paralegal at a BigLaw firm. We had an all day meeting on a Saturday. The partner asked me to go make coffee. I’ve never drink coffee and my family didn’t have a coffee maker. I had to say “I don’t know how to make coffee.” I spent 45 minutes in the room hearing all the level setting in the deal room while my male counterpart spent like 45 minutes going somewhere to make coffee and bringing it in to everyone. I was like “ding, ding, ding… I am NEVER learning to make coffee.” 20 years later I’m a C suite Exec that doesn’t know how to make coffee.

My husband invited 350 people to our wedding and I invited 100. I made very clear that he was writing the thank you notes for all his people because his list was INSANE. It wasn’t some big feminist statement — it was just “you are bananas and I’m not dealing with this.”

Assuming you are in the work force, read over every email you write and consider removing all “I think” and “I believe” statements. Just say “we should do X.”

And really, you don’t have to plan all the things. In actuality, I do most planning (although not with my husband’s family). My husband is the great executor of the plans I make. But he sure as heck can plan Mother’s Day. And we see his family once or twice a month with him managing the planning.

You sound like an idiot. You were a paralegal and that why he asked you to make coffee. Why must women find misogyny in everything? Forever wanting to be a victim.

I have no idea why he picked me. It was a huge meeting and there were several paralegals there. I was the only female. But that might not have been why he picked me. But, I have learned many strategies over the years to make sure I wasn’t the default planner of all the admin things in the workplace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no. You just lie to make yourself feel better about being a victim. It must suck to live your life thinking you’re a victim of your own delusion.

If this poster is a woman, this would be a good example.

[Anonymous]

To be clear, i don’t think a discussion about internalized misogyny has anything to do with blaming men. It has to do with women recognizing their own biases about themselves.

[Anonymous]

My MIL definitely does this with expecting me to facilitate her relationship with my husband and the kids. When we got married in our 20s I ran around encouraging my husband to see his family, making plans, etc.

Then I was like, wait, why . . . he is a grown person. He can make his own plans. He clearly doesn't want to see his family constantly, and I don't blame him. They cause us stress. If my MIL asks when she can come see the kids after school I will tell her what dates we're free, but I don't reach out beyond the occasional "oh, there's a school concert, we should tell the grandparents."

My MIL's mother just died (she too used to tell me that I needed to make my husband see the family more) and MIL (I suspect some borderline personality issues) screamed at my husband that he didn't see the family enough. Oh well. He's reponsible for his own relationships and how he wants to prioritize his time.

--

Another exampe of internalized misogyny is judging other women for being too confident or talking too much.
Another is feeling your self-esteem dip when you get older and aren't a "cute young thing" anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL definitely does this with expecting me to facilitate her relationship with my husband and the kids. When we got married in our 20s I ran around encouraging my husband to see his family, making plans, etc.

Then I was like, wait, why . . . he is a grown person. He can make his own plans. He clearly doesn't want to see his family constantly, and I don't blame him. They cause us stress. If my MIL asks when she can come see the kids after school I will tell her what dates we're free, but I don't reach out beyond the occasional "oh, there's a school concert, we should tell the grandparents."

My MIL's mother just died (she too used to tell me that I needed to make my husband see the family more) and MIL (I suspect some borderline personality issues) screamed at my husband that he didn't see the family enough. Oh well. He's reponsible for his own relationships and how he wants to prioritize his time.

--

Another exampe of internalized misogyny is judging other women for being too confident or talking too much.
Another is feeling your self-esteem dip when you get older and aren't a "cute young thing" anymore.

I had to laugh at your stupidity.

[Anonymous]

Women, you’re not victims of anything. Life will be so much easier if you stop acting like everyone is against you and you’re a victim.

[Anonymous]

Women are misogynistic. This is very true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Throughout my teens and early 20s I dealt with males shoving their hands in my underwear or bathing suit. Like when I was 13 an older boy did underwater at the pool, when I was 20 a male friend did when I crashed on his couch. I thought they were no big deal, it happens, and when my female friends were upset over similar incidents I called them dramatic. Now I realize it was a HUGE problem.

Another example - I’ve had a couple female friends who were severely abused by their husbands, both mentally/emotionally and physically (to the point of hospitalization) and EVERYONE tries to blame the woman somehow. That it was mutually toxic, she didn’t act like an abused woman so made the whole thing up, that it was her fault for staying and she should have left, that she shouldn’t have divorced him because omg think of the children.

Ooooo, or when I hear moms complain that they are terrified their sons will be falsely accused of sexual assault. I’m like, I have daughters, I’m terrified of ACTUAL assault. Just tell your sons the same thing we have been telling girls for centuries - if you don’t want it to happen, don’t put yourself in a situation where it can. Sorry boys, but no more parties, drinking, being along with girls. Keep sober and make sure you have a friend with you at all times. Oh that’s not fair you can do whatever you want? Boo hoo.

As someone who lived the second paragraph- thank you so much for seeing this. It goes so unseen.