Dating someone religious when you’re not religious

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my family, we were raised religious but my brother is now atheist. He married a faithful Episcopalian woman. It has caused issues for them:

1) He wasn’t upfront about how anti-religion he is. He told her when dating that he was raised christian but wasn’t “super religious like my sister, but I totally respect it.” But he is actually pretty anti-religious.

2) He is not interested in doing anything to participate in church, ever, which is tough with a family-oriented faith. His wife would like to attend some things as a family but even allowing her to have their son baptized as a baby was a big negotiation/fight.

3) I think the biggest issue is more about the underlying world view. My SIL is very sunshiny and go-with-the-flow. I think being a person of faith can often go with that personality type (not always). She is definitely the kind of person who is able to “let go and let God.” My brother is an anxious control freak. 🤣 He often gets frustrated with her not being as worried or stressed about things or not wanting to plan for every possible contingency. For example, when I visited recently he told me that he was annoyed with all the houseplants she is buying because “Our plan was that if I die, she would turn the house into an airbnb and use that for income. How will she do that with all these plants?” So overall I think the biggest issue has been the underlying mindset.

Good point.

If oP is anti-religious or anti-whatever, SHE should come clean to him, as that could snowball into a issues if she becomes more extreme- like putting down religion with the kids, stereotyping, changing her mind about things like baptism or first communion.

Unclear how much Op knows about Islam or Judaism or Catholicism or even Christianity but if she went into this with an open mind and they did the regular sacraments, holidays and CCD classes for the kids it’s not be a big deal and maybe even a source of rich history (bible stories).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he’s that wonderful and you want to marry him, you should convert. If you don’t want to convert, you should break up with him now. You can’t have it both ways, unfortunately.

My secular Muslim/ British Protestant husband never converted. Yes it meant our ceremony was outside the altar if the church but the holidays and kid stuff has been easy enough. As our school district goes to pieces we’ve also explored the parish schools and most are not super strict religious and all have excellent time-tested math, English and yes science curricula.

The worst op could do is get all tied up in mass media bible beater stuff - which isn’t Catholic families to begin with. It’s the live pop band music mega church denominations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he doesn’t go to mass then he’s not religious in any sort of way that should bother you. These lines he’s giving you are BS.

+1 going to Mass just on holidays = a religious girl wouldn’t touch him.
Go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know several couples where before they got married, one person was mildly religious and the other was not religious, and then as soon as they got pregnant, the mildly religious one became super religious. I don't know why, but it was always the men who made this switch. Maybe this was part of how they understood their paternal duties. As for me, I'm not religious at all, and if I meet someone who's even slightly relgious, that's a dealbreaker for a romantic relationship.

Funny you say this, as I’ve seen it too. I had a jewish friend in college who was not at all religious when I knew him then. He got engaged to an Episcopalian girl and I recall some dust-up with her family because they were planning an engagement party on a date that was a Jewish holiday, when he had never observed Jewish holidays before.

I think if you’re dating someone seriously, religion and the role you envision it playing out in your family life are important topics to discuss thoroughly.

[Anonymous]

If someone is serious about their faith, they wouldn't even date outside of that faith.

[Anonymous]

You were me 17 years ago, except the man I was dating went to church almost every Sunday, said the blessing at mealtimes, etc. You need to be very honest with him about your positions. I thought about breaking up, but was really having a wonderful time with a wonderful person. I was very honest about my views — I don’t think the world was created in 7 days, I don’t think my non-Christian friends will burn in hell, I don’t think homosexuality is a sin, I won’t attend a church that doesn’t have female leadership, etc. Ultimately, I did agree to participate in active churchgoing. We started attending church together while dating and shopped around for a church I was comfortable with. I have come to enjoy the various things we participate in through church and I see why there is comfort in belief in a higher power. I have major criticisms of “the church” and how it can be used as a weapon. But the actual church I attend seems on balance to do much more good than harm.

The reality is that he is much less religious married to me than he would have been if he married someone deeply religious. I also really believed that we ultimately had the same values.

We have been happily married for 15 years. But I also know that I am lucky that I was right about the underlying values being the same. He could have become a crazy right wing, trump loving zealot. But he didn’t. If I had been wrong, we would likely be divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he’s that wonderful and you want to marry him, you should convert. If you don’t want to convert, you should break up with him now. You can’t have it both ways, unfortunately.

Precisely this. Especially as the woman. You will be responsible for transmitting the religious and cultural values to any kids. That won’t work if you’re not on board and it will cause issues between you.

[Anonymous]

Some of what makes him a “really great guy” is his how he practices and implements his beliefs. Do you realize this?

Find out from him what he wants from a partner to support his beliefs.
Are you welcome to participate in his beliefs, i.e. go to Mass with him.
I’ll add that there are times when I go to church solely because I like sitting with my husband in church, meaning if he wasn’t here I’d probably not go on a given Sunday and that sometimes I want to go solely to sit with him. It’s good bonding activity. It also provides continuity, we see the same people, we have things to talk about even if we come away with different impressions, and our kids are learning a lot. They have gotten opportunities that simply don’t exist unless you do some kind of religious training. They are also usually kinder to each other and to us as parents when we go to church then when we don’t.

I’ll also add that as you get older, you will probably become more religious that tends to happen when you experience things like a person dying after a routine surgery or a person surviving a terrible car wreck or something.
I had a miscarriage awhile back. The pregnancy was healthy until I miscarried and we had ultrasounds and other data to back it up. When I talked with my dad about it, he said “It’s really up to God, it always is no matter how much you think it isn’t”. My dad hasn’t been to a church in years. He and my sister (who also hasn’t been to church in years) were very comforting with their ideas that the baby was in Heaven. My mom, who always insisted we go to church on Sunday never said a word about Heaven. She was nice to me, it’s just interesting that the 2 people who were the most spiritually comforting were the ones who seem to do everything they can to avoid a church building.

Focus on how he treats you. If he’s a jerk end the relationship. If he uses religion to be a jerk end the relationship. Make sure you know the difference, he can’t rewrite church policy because you disagree with it. Then again, if you don’t like him for whatever reason, well, stop dating him. Just don’t use religion and what he can’t change to justify it.
Make sure that the place he goes to church treats you well. We joined a church that liked my husband and treated me terribly. We nearly divorced over it because it took him awhile to see how poorly they were treating me. We had to have a well, come-to-Jesus moment and the result of that was we need to both be treated with love and respect. If that doesn’t happen, we need a church that does. Not going means that we don’t get the benefits I mentioned earlier which isn’t acceptable to me.

All religions are going to have things you don’t like, but then that’s true of everything, the grocery store sells food I don’t like yet I still shop there.
I’d suggest you go to Mass with him and see what you think. Make sure he doesn’t excuse bad behavior, i.e. a former teacher treating you poorly because she wanted him to marry her daughter.

Be careful with discussions about why women can’t be priests, you may have valid points, but it’s not like he can go to the father and say “you know, this girl I’m dating thinks the church is wrong, change the policy”.
Try and meet some priests and nuns, the good ones are incredible, though that’s true of anybody who truly loves and believes in what they do.

[Anonymous]

I am a lifelong atheist child of atheist parents and while I've dated guys who were somewhat religious, I don't think I would be comfortable in a serious relationship with someone very religious.

YMMV, but I just can't get past the idea that my decision-making as an atheist is guided by rational factors, whereas the decision-making of someone very religious is, well, irrational.

I certainly would not want to raise children together with someone very religious.

[Anonymous]

If he is a reasonable person who loves and respects you, you two can definitely make it work. Just don’t rush into marriage, one year should give you a clear idea of how flexible he is and how accepting you are.

[Anonymous]

He is honest about wanting to stay religious, if you too are honest about not wanting to become religious, it has better chance of working out. If you pretended to be open to becoming religious to get married then it won’t work out.

That said, I’ve inter-faith couples in my circle who are making it work well without any conflicts. I think every interracial and interfaith couple chips on some of the hatred this world has and makes it a bit nicer.

[Anonymous]

I was raised Catholic. I'm pretty anti Catholic at this point.

However, I'd date him, marry him etc. if you love him, IF he does not mind you telling the kids what you think about some aspects of doctrine. So, do you believe in evolution (I know it's accepted now), do you believe in Adam and Eve, what's your position on homosexuality, birth control, abortion, female equality, etc.

I can respect his faith but I want my children raised with an open mind and to develop whatever beliefs are right for them. My job is to teach them morality, not dogma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was raised Catholic. I'm pretty anti Catholic at this point.

However, I'd date him, marry him etc. if you love him, IF he does not mind you telling the kids what you think about some aspects of doctrine. So, do you believe in evolution (I know it's accepted now), do you believe in Adam and Eve, what's your position on homosexuality, birth control, abortion, female equality, etc.

I can respect his faith but I want my children raised with an open mind and to develop whatever beliefs are right for them. My job is to teach them morality, not dogma.

Another mass media stereotype, and conflating Protestant mega church fanatics with Catholic? So uninformed.

[Anonymous]

I would be very hesitant too. Especially Catholicism. But also non-denominational mega churches/evangelicals are a no. Mormons too.

All these organizations are run by corrupt men. It does not mean there are not some positives to being a part of organized religion. But the outrageous child abuse issues in the Catholic church give me pause. These people RUN the church! And they are responsible for a lot of hurt, all because of politics. That is not the type of person I want advising my husband on life choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be very hesitant too. Especially Catholicism. But also non-denominational mega churches/evangelicals are a no. Mormons too.

All these organizations are run by corrupt men. It does not mean there are not some positives to being a part of organized religion. But the outrageous child abuse issues in the Catholic church give me pause. These people RUN the church! And they are responsible for a lot of hurt, all because of politics. That is not the type of person I want advising my husband on life choices.

I am a PP, obviously you never leave your kid alone with a priest. I wouldn't leave my kid alone with any man. I don't even feel comfortable with a nanny (of whatever gender). At least without nany cam, fully disclosed to the nanny of course.