Dating someone religious when you’re not religious

[Anonymous]

I’ve met this wonderful guy but I’m hesitant to get serious because is religious. He doesn’t go to Sunday mass every week but he does go to church on holidays and talks about putting his decisions and faith in god. Faith and believing in gods play an important role in his life. He does plan to rise his kids catholic. He is open to me not converting but says I would need to be understanding and supportive of his faith. I respect people’s faith but I didn’t grow up religious and never thought faith would be a part of my life. I believe in god but I’m not in any way religious or one of those “ god will guide me” people. What is it like dating someone who is religious when you’re not?

[Anonymous]

Hmm. I dated such a person, and we had interesting discussions about his Muslim faith. If we had considered marriage, it might have posed problems, though. He was a recent convert, and there's nothing quite like a convert to take things a little too literally - and unfortunately, the three major monotheist religions are all pretty misogynist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve met this wonderful guy but I’m hesitant to get serious because is religious. He doesn’t go to Sunday mass every week but he does go to church on holidays and talks about putting his decisions and faith in god. Faith and believing in gods play an important role in his life. He does plan to rise his kids catholic. He is open to me not converting but says I would need to be understanding and supportive of his faith. I respect people’s faith but I didn’t grow up religious and never thought faith would be a part of my life. I believe in god but I’m not in any way religious or one of those “ god will guide me” people. What is it like dating someone who is religious when you’re not?

Well, is he going to do the actual work of raising the kids Catholic, or is he looking for a wife to do the work for him? If he's holidays-only, I really wonder if he actually believes it and is willing to do the work.

[Anonymous]

It depends on how open you are, OP. I couldn’t do it. My husband believed in God, while I’m an atheist. It worked because he’s not telling me things I find ridiculous, like theres a reason for everything, or God will provide. We have kids that he is free to take to services, but he never does. Im fine with them believing in whatever feels right to them. So, I think it depends on how dogmatic he is.

[Anonymous]

Ask him what his views are on wifely submission.

[Anonymous]

In my family, we were raised religious but my brother is now atheist. He married a faithful Episcopalian woman. It has caused issues for them:

1) He wasn’t upfront about how anti-religion he is. He told her when dating that he was raised christian but wasn’t “super religious like my sister, but I totally respect it.” But he is actually pretty anti-religious.

2) He is not interested in doing anything to participate in church, ever, which is tough with a family-oriented faith. His wife would like to attend some things as a family but even allowing her to have their son baptized as a baby was a big negotiation/fight.

3) I think the biggest issue is more about the underlying world view. My SIL is very sunshiny and go-with-the-flow. I think being a person of faith can often go with that personality type (not always). She is definitely the kind of person who is able to “let go and let God.” My brother is an anxious control freak. 🤣 He often gets frustrated with her not being as worried or stressed about things or not wanting to plan for every possible contingency. For example, when I visited recently he told me that he was annoyed with all the houseplants she is buying because “Our plan was that if I die, she would turn the house into an airbnb and use that for income. How will she do that with all these plants?” So overall I think the biggest issue has been the underlying mindset.

[Anonymous]

Newsflash: If you believe in god, you're religious.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't seem like he's the one for you.

[Anonymous]

Oh god, don’t date someone religious when you’re not. Will cause so many problems down the line. One of my parents became more religious after they were married and while they stayed together, it caused many problems and much resentment in my childhood.

[Anonymous]

No. I wouldn’t date a person that bases their life decisions on a fairy tale.

[Anonymous]

I know several couples where before they got married, one person was mildly religious and the other was not religious, and then as soon as they got pregnant, the mildly religious one became super religious. I don't know why, but it was always the men who made this switch. Maybe this was part of how they understood their paternal duties. As for me, I'm not religious at all, and if I meet someone who's even slightly relgious, that's a dealbreaker for a romantic relationship.

[Anonymous]

How observant are his parents?

Getting married and (to a greater extent) having kids are a driver of becoming more religious observant.

[Anonymous]

If he doesn’t go to mass then he’s not religious in any sort of way that should bother you. These lines he’s giving you are BS.

[Anonymous]

If he’s that wonderful and you want to marry him, you should convert. If you don’t want to convert, you should break up with him now. You can’t have it both ways, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve met this wonderful guy but I’m hesitant to get serious because is religious. He doesn’t go to Sunday mass every week but he does go to church on holidays and talks about putting his decisions and faith in god. Faith and believing in gods play an important role in his life. He does plan to rise his kids catholic. He is open to me not converting but says I would need to be understanding and supportive of his faith. I respect people’s faith but I didn’t grow up religious and never thought faith would be a part of my life. I believe in god but I’m not in any way religious or one of those “ god will guide me” people. What is it like dating someone who is religious when you’re not?

This sounds fine.

And less religious that wasps or even reform Jews.

It’s good to have direction, social Justice from church, family and holiday traditions, and a community.