Reply to My Wife Has Been a Mess for the Past Month

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Your wife is right. And if her skillset is in communications, PR, social media management/engagement, etc. then she is the right person for the job. She's putting her skills to use in the best way she knows how.

There are others who are experts in logistics and processing refugees; resettlement; computer hacking; and actual fighting. Your wife may not be able to contribute to those efforts at this time because she doesn't have the necessary expertise or network.

She's exhausted and sad....but I bet she's also feeling fulfilled in doing "her part." [/quote]

[/quote]

+1.  And, as someone who lived through a war - there’s a lot of trauma and PTSD and feelings of guilt and why did I survive or escape or get lucky enough to marry or emigrate when Relative X is there, etc.?

The worst thing you can do is tell/demand she stop.  Encourage her to get therapy, not because she is behaving abnormally but because she is a normal person facing an abnormal situation. Encourage her to take care of herself not because she’s doing something wrong by volunteering but because she can help best when she keeps her own oxygen mask on. Also help her see that to be truly victorious, we cannot let the oppressor steal our joy.  The biggest thing I learned in the war zone is to look for the light - there is always light even in so much darkness.   Sharing joy, being kind, helping, laughing (even black humor), experiencing pleasure - this is the light.

This time is the most horrific for Ukrainians, but also possibly the most transformative and unifying.  Frankly, you and your kids should be helping and learning also.  And you should be socializing with new friends she is making through volunteering and teaching your kids Ukrainian history and language.

FWIW, I found myself forever changed by my experience. After living through a conflict, it is hard to be friends with people who lack understanding.  I think my head nearly exploded the other day when my own brother repeated some Russian disinformation about the Ukrainian “coup” and how we threatened Russia with NATO. It is hard to hear ignorant people repeating such nonsense. It is also hard, frankly, to spend an evening talking about the new home renovation or next vacation when you know people’s homes are being blown up and many are fleeing the country seeking refuge.  War has a way of reordering one’s priorities.  After the war, I found it hard to tolerate much of the socializing I was forced to do as a parent or spouse.  I really don’t care if Larlo made travel soccer or whether your boss or coworkers like me. [/quote]

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