How early did you know your mother didn’t “like” you or you didn’t “like” her and

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She said she is in therapy.

I am so sorry that you are struggling OP.

I had a friend whose son had oppositional disorder. He would argue or disobey EVERY comment she made, since he was like 7. He did not seem to care about her at all.

The good news is that now, in his late 20's, he has really turned around (after treatment for his issues and substance abuse). They have a good relationship. He has a girlfriend and a job. Try to hold on. This will be the worse period I think, because she is wanting independence but still living with you.

I wish you peace and love down the line.

No, she said her daughter was in therapy. This mother also needs help.

Do you know what feeds insecurity OP? Feeling like your mother does not like you.

I have her in therapy and meds, me as well

[Anonymous]

OP have you read Ross Greene's The Explosive Child? You don't describe anger and temper, but his method for communicating with your child would still be really helpful. You and your DH need to be 100% aligned on how to parent, as well. If he's resistant to family therapy sitting down with him with a third-party's plan vs. him continuing to perceive you as reactive to his parenting style might be a start.

There's a lot of free resources on his website:
livesinthebalance.org/parents-and-families/

I don't mean to sound like I'm advertising and obviously there's no one size fits all, but with my own very difficult kid it made a huge difference to shift perspective from reacting to/trying to change behavior to questioning - what skills does my kid lack that causes him to act like this and how can I help him build those skills?

[Anonymous]

I agree with the above, its ok if your 15 year old wants to sleep with you sometimes, the world is a scary place right now and has ben fro 2 years now. You seems like you are not attached to your baby and the teen years are so hard. You should let your husband take the lead b/c he actually likes your daughter. You are an adult and irritated by this person, now imagine you are a child who has no place to go who live with someone who doesnt like them. Sh can tell that you dislike her and there is nothing you can do about its, so you should fake it and let her just get that love that child deserves from your husband. My mom was like this but she was naturally a very loving and moral person but she didn't like me, she din have it her to really like kids but her natural kindness pulled us through but it was very hard to have another who didn't like me. Thankfully my father was a natural born parent who would also lose his temper and stuff but that underlying devotion was there, with my mother she did her duty and "faked it til we made it" and it got us through. You should kind of "zoom out" and think about your daughter not from place of fear of what os going to happen to her when she doesn't develop they way she needs to but from a place of refuge for this kind of helpless person who needs you to be there for them. I'm guessing she is person who craves warmth and love and you are cold and flippant. My sister is cold and man spirited too, she was a great mom to her elementary schoolers but her eldest developed addiction issues and depression, I think there was just basic personality clash where she thinks he's weak and pathetic and needs to pull himself together and is just "over" him and he needs his mom. Its rather sad.

[Anonymous]

Sorry you are going through this, OP. As PPs mentioned, help yourself first. Try not to make your daughter feel like you don't like her, she needs you. It is difficult, I know first hand. You need support for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you have a husband problem.

I agree. If you're not on the same page, or even in the same chapter, there will continue to be problems. I'm sorry you're struggling.

I don't know at all if my experience is relevant, but here goes anyway. At 15 I was still trying to win my mom's affection. She had a volatile temper, was controlling, and critical of my sibling and I. She never hugged me or showed affection. I remember hugging her every day after school and hoping she would reciprocate. But it was not how she was. I started to pull away emotionally in my early 20s. It took me years to realize that her love language was acts of service; she worked herself hard for our sake and expected the same. My love language has always been physical touch and words of affirmation. We never connected on the same level, but there was always a deep love between us. The fact that your daughter still comes to your room and sleeps on the floor tells me that she is still craving some kind of emotional closeness and a sense of security from your love.

[Anonymous]

You sound like my mom. She just wasn't meant to be a mother and we both knew it from an early age. We are not close now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like my mom. She just wasn't meant to be a mother and we both knew it from an early age. We are not close now.

Same. It's a very sad place to be. Go to therapy so you don't mess up your daughter even more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP have you read Ross Greene's The Explosive Child? You don't describe anger and temper, but his method for communicating with your child would still be really helpful. You and your DH need to be 100% aligned on how to parent, as well. If he's resistant to family therapy sitting down with him with a third-party's plan vs. him continuing to perceive you as reactive to his parenting style might be a start.

There's a lot of free resources on his website:
livesinthebalance.org/parents-and-families/

I don't mean to sound like I'm advertising and obviously there's no one size fits all, but with my own very difficult kid it made a huge difference to shift perspective from reacting to/trying to change behavior to questioning - what skills does my kid lack that causes him to act like this and how can I help him build those skills?

As a former explosive child and even explosive adult, this is how it’s done. Skills, strategy, flexibility and patience.

My own daughter is beginning to follow in my footsteps, and I know it’s frustrating, but I don’t take it personally nor do I see it as a failing of her or myself…but an opportunity for us both to work together. I’m sure it will get worse when she gets older and her teenage brain takes over. But Im committed to doing the work on myself to be able to manage the storm and prioritise our long term relationship.

My mom took and continues to take everything personally. Because she always saw my behavior as a reflection of her then everything was perceived has an attack or challenge and that was the base of our interactions. To this day, because we’ve never learned differently. She “tries” because she loves me, and I try b/c I love her. But it’s all takes a lot of effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Girls are harder to raise than boys. But, if you live through it, she probably be a lovable adult.

Who let the patriarchy in?

[Anonymous]

Love has little to do with liking. E don’t have to adore each other to care for each other. Mother child relationship is unique but not without its own challenges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like my mom. She just wasn't meant to be a mother and we both knew it from an early age. We are not close now.

Same. It's a very sad place to be. Go to therapy so you don't mess up your daughter even more.

Also happened to me. Agree with PP that it sounds like OP never bonded with her DD as a baby.

Since you asked what our standing is now - I don't speak to her. Haven't in years. Tried keeping up the facade that we were "family" by indulging in her efforts to see me once or twice a year, then realized there was no reason for me to burden myself with traveling to see her when she didn't care about seeing me, she just wanted to ease her guilt of being a bad mom.

Oddly enough she wanted to be an involved grandmother with my kids but I said no. She sends gifts a couple times a year and I toss them straight into the garbage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girls are harder to raise than boys. But, if you live through it, she probably be a lovable adult.

Who let the patriarchy in?

Its not gender but individual personalities of mother and child which make their relation easier or difficult. Societal conditioning of treating girls and boys differently negatively influences parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Girls are harder to raise than boys. But, if you live through it, she probably be a lovable adult.

This is not true. It's a personality issue, not a gender issue.

[Anonymous]

Has she been evaluated for special needs? Like ASD? It's not normal for a 15year old to sleep on their parents floor.

Are you and your husband in parent coaching, or have you taken parenting classes? Something in this dynamic is really wrong.

[Anonymous]

Late elementary school. I knew my mom just didn't like me. When she wasn't screaming at me, she was acting exasperated and scoffing. To her credit, she sought family therapy for us. But we only went together once. After that, she sent me to a stupid group therapy that i didn't belong in. She did stop screaming but continued scoffing and disapproving. Anyway, I like my son, so it's not the same. But in the forefront of my parenting is to always make it known that he is loved and liked and accepted.

Im so sorry that you can't stand your daughter. Sorry for her mostly. Are you frequently clear with her that you do actually love her? Do often tell her things like "you're funny" "oh, that's really creative," or "that was really smart of you," ?