How early did you know your mother didn’t “like” you or you didn’t “like” her and

[Anonymous]

Age 11.

However hindsight is 20/20... I noticed she treated my differently from my brother since age 5.

I'm a black woman.

Black women love their sons and raise their daughters. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For as long as I can remember. It was fundamentally a clash of temperaments plus the fact that my mother *always* disliked other women. So she favored my brothers and either ignored or was actively mean to me. With more maturity on both sides, we have a cordial relationship now but will never be close. She is still one of the most selfish and critical people I've ever met.

OMG!!!!!!!!! Are you me?!?!??!?!?!?!?

I'm the black woman who made the above comment.

[Anonymous]

As a black woman I agree that we expect a tremendous amount from our daughters. My mother had no sons, but was never affectionate with me or my sisters. She loved us through her actions. Now she is affectionate. I have probably gone too far in the other direction with my own daughters. They must feel smothered by so much affection and attention; they need autonomy.

[Anonymous]

I don't think my mom has ever liked me. She liked my sister though. We have a hard relationship now. I have my own DD now and I probably tell her too much (if that's possible) how much I love her, how proud of her I am, how lucky I am to be her mom, what's great about her, etc. I would kill to hear anything like that from my mom.

I'm sad for your child. You sound like an awful person. You need to figure it out or you will continue to cause her so much pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP. This is a really hard and sad situation, but I think the positive here is that you recognize that there is a problem and you want to solve it. It's a shame that your husband is so unsupportive and rejects family therapy. I think this is something you need to insist on. Can you show him this post? Can you do anything to show how serious you feel about it? If not, I think therapy for you and DD will be helpful than nothing. He can refuse to go but he can't prevent you from going, or from bringing your daughter.

My mom and my sister were like this. My mom is emotionally immature and her personality and my sister's just clashed. As an adult and parent, I'm shocked at what my sister had to endure. Props to you for wanting to fix this. My mom would probably be a much happier person if she had gone to therapy.

The OP never said she wanted to solve it. She asked people for a sign.

I bet the daughter doesn't think that her father is unsupportive.

I would not show DH this post - he would probably be appalled.

The OP believes her DH and DD are the problem. I wonder what it would look like if we asked them.

OP can you approach the situation with some curiosity and compassion? I agree you might need a new therapist. Remember how much control you have over the situation. If you didn't *think* any of this was a problem, it wouldn't be. (Guessing that's exactly how your DH sees it.) It's not the circumstances that are the problem, it's your thinking. You have control of your brain.

[Anonymous]

In elementary school. Every time my older brother and I got in a fight she yelled at me, never him. And each year on the first day of school she'd make him french toast in a frying pan for the occasion. She wouldn't make me anything.

She's dead now. During our last conversation last fall, I said I'd come visit as soon as Covid restrictions lifted and the rehab (physical, not drug) allowed visitors again. Jokingly, I said, "And what could be better than that?" to which she said, without missing a beat, "Kevin." Thanks Mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:- knew you would not have a close relationship in the future? What is your standing now? I realize my teen is a teen but her personality traits have been the same since she was a baby. I’m trying hard as a mother in every way possible but DD is a nightmare, her needy, emotional escapades are draining. I realize it could be way worse, thankfully I have her in therapy and meds, me as well.

I try so hard not to react or indulge in her escapades but when her father constantly gives in and she takes advantage, it crushes me. I can’t believe z saying this I can’t wait until she’s 18 and out of our house. At this point, I can’t ever see her leaving, even then; she’s so insecure at 15, she still comes to sleep in our room (floor). I cannot get my husband to not cater to her, go to family therapy, stop trying to be there friend and help discipline. I’m ‘closing’ down. Friends say this will all pass when they are older but I can’t see it, I just can’t stand her.

I'm pp. You think everything you wrote is fact, but I highlighted everything that is an opinion. You don't have to think any of it.

I realize you are feeling low, but I didn't highlight how negative it is. It sounds like you may want to accept this for what it is, hence your question. But, you really do have a choice here, even if you don't see it. You might try CBT if therapy isn't helping you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think my mom has ever liked me. She liked my sister though. We have a hard relationship now. I have my own DD now and I probably tell her too much (if that's possible) how much I love her, how proud of her I am, how lucky I am to be her mom, what's great about her, etc. I would kill to hear anything like that from my mom.

I'm sad for your child. You sound like an awful person. You need to figure it out or you will continue to cause her so much pain.

Me too! A couple of years ago My mom told me I had been a nice, easy baby. That actually made me feel really good. Wow! A compliment from my mom! The only other compliments she gave me growing up were if I was dressed REALLY nicely for a dance or something, aand it was always like "I knew you could clean up nice, I wish you'd put in this much effort all the time!" Or if I got the rare award at school ("finally, when you really apply yourself it pays off.")

I felt a little pathetic feeling elated by " you were a good baby."

I just try to give my child compliments that don't also include criticisms.

[Anonymous]

My mom definitely played Golden child/scapegoat and I was the scapegoat growing up. I learned to suck it up and kiss up to her so we got along mostly. After college she was easier to deal with i figured out the formula for having a nice relationship with her. I stupidly moved near my parents once I was married with kids. MISTAKE!

I became mom's scapegoat again as dad declined.She needed more help from me and hated me for trying to make her face reality about him and hire help. within a year after he died we were past the point of no return. After enough tantrums and insults from her, I do not like her at all and she clearly does not like me. I care enough to be in her life, but thanks to aging she will only get worse.

There is hope for you. Thanks to aging, therapy, time your situation may improve. Your daughter's brain is not fully developed yet. My mom's empathy and self-awareness have eroded, but your daughter's could develop more.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you are the problem. What does your therapist say?
My daughter deals with some anxiety issues. I let her sleep with me sometimes, it is not an urgent scalars, she has an actual need like we all do.
Pl are seek the appropriate help for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has she been evaluated for special needs? Like ASD? It's not normal for a 15year old to sleep on their parents floor.

Are you and your husband in parent coaching, or have you taken parenting classes? Something in this dynamic is really wrong.

Drama much? Maybe she craves attention because her mother dies not like her, that is nothing to to with ASD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a black woman I agree that we expect a tremendous amount from our daughters. My mother had no sons, but was never affectionate with me or my sisters. She loved us through her actions. Now she is affectionate. I have probably gone too far in the other direction with my own daughters. They must feel smothered by so much affection and attention; they need autonomy.

While your experience is real, I am a black woman with a black mother and a black daughter and my mother was very affectionate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In elementary school. Every time my older brother and I got in a fight she yelled at me, never him. And each year on the first day of school she'd make him french toast in a frying pan for the occasion. She wouldn't make me anything.

She's dead now. During our last conversation last fall, I said I'd come visit as soon as Covid restrictions lifted and the rehab (physical, not drug) allowed visitors again. Jokingly, I said, "And what could be better than that?" to which she said, without missing a beat, "Kevin." Thanks Mom.

Your mom was horrible. Goodness gracious!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a black woman I agree that we expect a tremendous amount from our daughters. My mother had no sons, but was never affectionate with me or my sisters. She loved us through her actions. Now she is affectionate. I have probably gone too far in the other direction with my own daughters. They must feel smothered by so much affection and attention; they need autonomy.

While your experience is real, I am a black woman with a black mother and a black daughter and my mother was very affectionate.

+1. I am not sure why that pp thought that being black is relevant to her contribution.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]As a black woman I agree that we expect a tremendous amount from our daughters. My mother had no sons, but was never affectionate with me or my sisters. She loved us through her actions. Now she is affectionate. I have probably gone too far in the other direction with my own daughters. They must feel smothered by so much affection and attention; they need autonomy. [/quote]
While your experience is real, I am a black woman with a black mother and a black daughter and my mother was very affectionate.[/quote]

+1. I am not sure why that pp thought that being black is relevant to her contribution.


[/quote]
PP to whom you are responding. Are you black, because I am and sometimes those distinctions are relevant to GENERAL cultural familial differences and how they manifest in the particular situation being discussed. We see it all the time in this forum in which people identify their specific cultural background and how it plays a part in their family relationships.
So I was not telling her she was wrong about her I was just pointing out that not all of us have that same experience.