ex DH would like to not have formal CS agreement

[Anonymous]

Do you have it in writing that he agreed to pay the private school bill if you sent it to him -- by email or text?

Consult with your attorney, but is there a danger if it goes to court that he will refuse to pay for private. That's a dick move, but.... is he capable of it? Not a reason not to file, but def something to discuss with lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have had this no papers arrangement for 20 years. Overall, I wouldn’t recommend it. I was able to do it because I wasn’t married to my ex (engaged but never married). I had no fear he would take kids out if country. He had a USG job, so I also didn’t think he would hide i come if I eventually filed. I did it because he was mentally ill, and I was afraid if i went legal, he would demand 50/50. I wanted time to establish the kids in my primary custody so that if we went to court, there would be a long history that supported leaving them in my stable care.

TBH, the custody part worked out well. But, financially it wrecked me. I was at the mercy of what he wanted to pay. If I challenged that, he was angry at me and that affected my relationship with the kids.

It also made it difficult to plan financially.

And it gave him the idea that he was doing me a favor by paying me what he chose to pay (which was far less than what he should have paid).

At the time, I thought I was trading $$$ for him to still have a relationship with his kid. TBH, that was not the great trade I thought it was at the time. He still comes up with all kinds of reasons to cancel his time with them.

If I were you, knowing what I know, I would file.

Thank you so much, this is really similar to my situation. The custody part is working out well which is why I have been tempted to not rock the boat. And I CAN manage, I just bought a house on my own. But it is really hurting me financially and, when he does rarely pay, he certainly thinks he is doing me a huge favor! My kids are only 13 and 9, and it is hard to imagine maintaining this dynamic for many more years. Thank you again for your insight from the other side, it gives me the boost to keep moving ahead with this process!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your story doesn't make much sense. How is it that you were divorced last year in the home country rather than this country? Did you just move here in the last year or something?

Depending on how much your private school is you might actually come out ahead with that arrangement vs. monthly CS payments and then you can just file for CS if he stops paying. I wouldn't assume that your order will include him paying for private school nor would I assume that he will be ordered to maintain life insurance for the benefit of the child.

What state are you in now?

OP here, yes, married in his home country right out of college (2004), since then we lived/worked as expats with just one year in DC. We separated more or less four years ago with no formal agreement (me with the kids in one country, him in another) and he sent me the divorce papers from his home country when I got back to the US at the end of 2020.

I'm living in Florida now and am filing a petition for custody and CS here (and private school is cheap). Last year, after months of our informal "agreement" he insisted on visiting with the kids when I asked him not to. This sparked my concern that he could do other things against my wishes, particularly take the children to his home country, which is why I am moving ahead with the petition. So the CS is more an outcome of all that- but the part ex DH is most focused on!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your story doesn't make much sense. How is it that you were divorced last year in the home country rather than this country? Did you just move here in the last year or something?

Depending on how much your private school is you might actually come out ahead with that arrangement vs. monthly CS payments and then you can just file for CS if he stops paying. I wouldn't assume that your order will include him paying for private school nor would I assume that he will be ordered to maintain life insurance for the benefit of the child.

What state are you in now?

OP here, yes, married in his home country right out of college (2004), since then we lived/worked as expats with just one year in DC. We separated more or less four years ago with no formal agreement (me with the kids in one country, him in another) and he sent me the divorce papers from his home country when I got back to the US at the end of 2020.

I'm living in Florida now and am filing a petition for custody and CS here (and private school is cheap). Last year, after months of our informal "agreement" he insisted on visiting with the kids when I asked him not to. This sparked my concern that he could do other things against my wishes, particularly take the children to his home country, which is why I am moving ahead with the petition. So the CS is more an outcome of all that- but the part ex DH is most focused on!

PP here got it. Might wanna check with your lawyer on the appropriate venue for CS under FL UIFSA. CS will probably be in his state so that's the version of the guidelines you should look at. You will probably come out ahead on that front vs splitting expenses unless he pays for the insurance...then it depends more on your relative incomes.

[Anonymous]

If he lives abroad it may be hard to enforce an order.

[Anonymous]

Get the child support.

If he’s not interested in a formal custody agreement, then he should allow you full custody and just ask your permission to see the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he lives abroad it may be hard to enforce an order. [/quot]

He lives on the west coast right now, and will be notovated not to have issues with his US passport, I think. Do realize enforcement nay become harder if he is overseas again though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your story doesn't make much sense. How is it that you were divorced last year in the home country rather than this country? Did you just move here in the last year or something?

Depending on how much your private school is you might actually come out ahead with that arrangement vs. monthly CS payments and then you can just file for CS if he stops paying. I wouldn't assume that your order will include him paying for private school nor would I assume that he will be ordered to maintain life insurance for the benefit of the child.

What state are you in now?

OP here, yes, married in his home country right out of college (2004), since then we lived/worked as expats with just one year in DC. We separated more or less four years ago with no formal agreement (me with the kids in one country, him in another) and he sent me the divorce papers from his home country when I got back to the US at the end of 2020.

I'm living in Florida now and am filing a petition for custody and CS here (and private school is cheap). Last year, after months of our informal "agreement" he insisted on visiting with the kids when I asked him not to. This sparked my concern that he could do other things against my wishes, particularly take the children to his home country, which is why I am moving ahead with the petition. So the CS is more an outcome of all that- but the part ex DH is most focused on!

Stop playing games. File and be done with it. You may not get private schools and extra's so negotiating an agreement may be better. You should not demand your ex pay for private if it wasn't a mutual agreement. He should be allowed to have the kids every summer in his home country and every holiday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your story doesn't make much sense. How is it that you were divorced last year in the home country rather than this country? Did you just move here in the last year or something?

Depending on how much your private school is you might actually come out ahead with that arrangement vs. monthly CS payments and then you can just file for CS if he stops paying. I wouldn't assume that your order will include him paying for private school nor would I assume that he will be ordered to maintain life insurance for the benefit of the child.

What state are you in now?

OP here, yes, married in his home country right out of college (2004), since then we lived/worked as expats with just one year in DC. We separated more or less four years ago with no formal agreement (me with the kids in one country, him in another) and he sent me the divorce papers from his home country when I got back to the US at the end of 2020.

I'm living in Florida now and am filing a petition for custody and CS here (and private school is cheap). Last year, after months of our informal "agreement" he insisted on visiting with the kids when I asked him not to. This sparked my concern that he could do other things against my wishes, particularly take the children to his home country, which is why I am moving ahead with the petition. So the CS is more an outcome of all that- but the part ex DH is most focused on!

Stop playing games. File and be done with it. You may not get private schools and extra's so negotiating an agreement may be better. You should not demand your ex pay for private if it wasn't a mutual agreement. He should be allowed to have the kids every summer in his home country and every holiday.

OP here, I agree he shouldnt have to pay for private school if we didnt agree on it, and the need for it at certain grade levels is based on my housing choices, etc. The planned filing date is Friday and since my post ex DH did speak to my lawyer. It seems he accepts my proposed custody terms and is pushing back on the CS. Hopefully ex DH will realizee by their next call on Thursday that he is going to need to pay a fixed monthly amount. If not, I guess it is filed and a judge decides?

The issue of taking our children out of the country hasnt come up yet, but it is not going to happen (at least not until late teens if the children want it). I will give up my own right to travel out of the US with the kids if needed. Luckily, ex DH's family all lives in the US or I would feel conflicted.

[Anonymous]

I have it included in mine and my divorce was incredible amicable and we maintain a great co-parenting relationship 4 years post divorce. Make sure it is included and in there.

[Anonymous]

OP again, in Florida child support is based on an income shares model (no clue if this is common accross states). Whether the kids are in private, costly extracurriculars, etc doesn't matter unless it is something the parties specifically negotiate.

What it doesnt account for is the vastly different cost of living for me in FL and him in a west coast city. He needs to be there for work and will have the kids for 6-7 weeks in the summer so needs a decent enough place. I feel like this justifies my asking for and taking less? OTOH, I have let him take advantage financially so much I don't want to be a chump to keep the peace!

His new wife likely doesn't know about this situation and is expecting a baby in july, which I'm hoping will motivate him to settle everything quickly/quietly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, in Florida child support is based on an income shares model (no clue if this is common accross states). Whether the kids are in private, costly extracurriculars, etc doesn't matter unless it is something the parties specifically negotiate.

What it doesnt account for is the vastly different cost of living for me in FL and him in a west coast city. He needs to be there for work and will have the kids for 6-7 weeks in the summer so needs a decent enough place. I feel like this justifies my asking for and taking less? OTOH, I have let him take advantage financially so much I don't want to be a chump to keep the peace!

His new wife likely doesn't know about this situation and is expecting a baby in july, which I'm hoping will motivate him to settle everything quickly/quietly

19:03 here and I really don't think the CS is going to be calculated in accordance with the FL guidelines. In fact, if you refer to FL Statute 88.2011 it seems like FL would not have personal jurisdiction over your ex. IANYL and you should ask them about this and consider what the calculation would look like in his state.

You do point out one of the interesting shortcomings of the guidelines model in that the parent in the LCOL area will have lower expenses and a correspondingly lower salary than the parent in the HCOL area which has the affect of giving the custodial parent in a LCOL area a bonus so to speak and; conversely, a custodial parent in a HCOL in the same situation is at a disadvantage.

[Anonymous]

No way. Make it all legal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, in Florida child support is based on an income shares model (no clue if this is common accross states). Whether the kids are in private, costly extracurriculars, etc doesn't matter unless it is something the parties specifically negotiate.

What it doesnt account for is the vastly different cost of living for me in FL and him in a west coast city. He needs to be there for work and will have the kids for 6-7 weeks in the summer so needs a decent enough place. I feel like this justifies my asking for and taking less? OTOH, I have let him take advantage financially so much I don't want to be a chump to keep the peace!

His new wife likely doesn't know about this situation and is expecting a baby in july, which I'm hoping will motivate him to settle everything quickly/quietly

Go by formula. This is normal. The only thing to negotiate is who pays for the plane tickets and since you both moved/neither lived in the area/moved away you should share the costs. If you want expensive private schools and extra curricular they come out of the child support for his share was that is what he is paying for and you pay your share. You choose private. Generally courts will not order private school except if both parents agree or kids had been in the schools for years prior to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, in Florida child support is based on an income shares model (no clue if this is common accross states). Whether the kids are in private, costly extracurriculars, etc doesn't matter unless it is something the parties specifically negotiate.

What it doesnt account for is the vastly different cost of living for me in FL and him in a west coast city. He needs to be there for work and will have the kids for 6-7 weeks in the summer so needs a decent enough place. I feel like this justifies my asking for and taking less? OTOH, I have let him take advantage financially so much I don't want to be a chump to keep the peace!

His new wife likely doesn't know about this situation and is expecting a baby in july, which I'm hoping will motivate him to settle everything quickly/quietly

Take what the formula says. It is not something he owes you. It is something he owes your kids.

Tough luck if his wife doesn’t know. That is not your problem.

Taking less isn’t going to make him any nicer. And if he’s the kind of guy who would treat his own son badly over child support then it’s better to know bow, because I guarantee you that attitude will bleed out of the next two decades.