ex DH would like to not have formal CS agreement

[Anonymous]

Long story short, my ex is on the opposite coast and we divorced last year. We were married overseas (his home country) 17 years ago and he sent me the divorce documents from that country which don't even mention our two children. In the meantime, I have given him numerous warnings that I am petitioning for court orders here- most importantly to establish custody of our children, and monthly child support payments, obligations re: life insurance, etc, are included. He has until Friday to respond before my lawyer files in the state I live in. I have offered him a reduction in CS and basically he can see the kids whenever he wants. His response has been mainly "why do we have to get courts and lawyers involved," and an offer to split the bills with me if I send him receipts for the extracurriculars and private school. How do I even respond to this? Part of me feels like I should just let the lawyer file and deal with it that way, but it would really be cheaper for all involved and easier if he'd agree to my reasonable terms now... I think he may think a lawyer can get him out of paying monthly CS at all?

[Anonymous]

Just go ahead and file. If you don’t, he can stop paying at any time and you won’t have any enforcement options other than filing at that point instead.

[Anonymous]

get a lawyer. he has shown you his words dont matter

[Anonymous]

There is no way that I wouldn't include CS and custody in the divorce proceedings.

[Anonymous]

You can only do that sort of thing when you know for a fact your ex will be reliable and trustworthy. That is not your situation.

[Anonymous]

BTDT. Lawyer, Court, official Agreement. Don’t be duped.

[Anonymous]

Also, if he had a “home country” I might worry about his taking the kids out of there without permission.

[Anonymous]

Ha ha, no. You file.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, if he had a “home country” I might worry about his taking the kids out of there without permission.

this.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

I'm sure he would like that very much because then he would only have to pay what he feels like paying on a limited number of items. You can give him one last warning, but you need to go ahead and file.

[Anonymous]

Your story doesn't make much sense. How is it that you were divorced last year in the home country rather than this country? Did you just move here in the last year or something?

Depending on how much your private school is you might actually come out ahead with that arrangement vs. monthly CS payments and then you can just file for CS if he stops paying. I wouldn't assume that your order will include him paying for private school nor would I assume that he will be ordered to maintain life insurance for the benefit of the child.

What state are you in now?

[Anonymous]

I have had this no papers arrangement for 20 years. Overall, I wouldn’t recommend it. I was able to do it because I wasn’t married to my ex (engaged but never married). I had no fear he would take kids out if country. He had a USG job, so I also didn’t think he would hide i come if I eventually filed. I did it because he was mentally ill, and I was afraid if i went legal, he would demand 50/50. I wanted time to establish the kids in my primary custody so that if we went to court, there would be a long history that supported leaving them in my stable care.

TBH, the custody part worked out well. But, financially it wrecked me. I was at the mercy of what he wanted to pay. If I challenged that, he was angry at me and that affected my relationship with the kids.

It also made it difficult to plan financially.

And it gave him the idea that he was doing me a favor by paying me what he chose to pay (which was far less than what he should have paid).

At the time, I thought I was trading $$$ for him to still have a relationship with his kid. TBH, that was not the great trade I thought it was at the time. He still comes up with all kinds of reasons to cancel his time with them.

If I were you, knowing what I know, I would file.

[Anonymous]

Yes OP it's obvious you need to see a lawyer. CS needs to be wage garnished, a good life insurance policy on him to cover CS in case he dies. You will be in charge of that so he can't cancel. A lot of things you need to be smart about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes OP it's obvious you need to see a lawyer. CS needs to be wage garnished, a good life insurance policy on him to cover CS in case he dies. You will be in charge of that so he can't cancel. A lot of things you need to be smart about.

It's right there in the OP: "He has until Friday to respond before my lawyer files in the state I live in."