MIL Manual

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely first meeting. Don't ignore her. Ask about her, include her in conversations. But don't go overboard or interrogate her. More like, pretend she's someone you want to be friends with, not someone you're trying to parent.

I wasn't included until I was married and it did hurt my feelings a bit. We knew from day 1 that we'd get married and we wanted to spend holidays together and such. So make sure to extend an invitation to holidays, but let her know she's free to decline too.

This is the kind of insight I need as I grew up in a different time in a different culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely first meeting. Don't ignore her. Ask about her, include her in conversations. But don't go overboard or interrogate her. More like, pretend she's someone you want to be friends with, not someone you're trying to parent.

I wasn't included until I was married and it did hurt my feelings a bit. We knew from day 1 that we'd get married and we wanted to spend holidays together and such. So make sure to extend an invitation to holidays, but let her know she's free to decline too.

This is the kind of insight I need as I grew up in a different time in a different culture.

I'm just curious but how was it different? Would you not include girlfriends in holidays or be friendly to them? Most people I know don't introduce boyfriends/girlfriends to their families until it's a bit more serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When did you start trying to be a good MIL? When they get engaged, got married or earlier once you felt they are in a serious relationship? I don't care to get involved unless there is a ring but my sister who is a beloved MIL to three DILs says it starts from first meeting, its too late if its already official. How did you handle this difficult mission, " How not to be a bad MIL?". Our Indian community is filled with difficult MILs and new generation of MILs need to end this tradition.

Then you are sending the message to your son's love interest that you are indifferent.

Is that how you mean to proceed, with indifference?

Be kind, be interested in her as a person, be inclusive but respectful of the new family unit they are forming.

That's it.

[Anonymous]

If you've raised your son to be respectful, kind, fair, and hard working, you're already half way there to become a great MIL.

The rest is just show interest in her, be kind and inclusive, and respect boundaries. Especially the last one.

[Anonymous]

Dated for 4 years and engaged for one. My MIL is local and about a 30 minute drive away.

My MIL “got involved” progressively more as time went on and ramped up “involvement” when we got engaged.

Initial involvement meant inviting me to family dinners, then family gatherings, not so much anything one on one.
I do recall staying overnight with future MIL when I was engaged, at her request. MIL has always been fearful of staying in her house alone overnight so I did this exactly once and never again.

MIL a made a point to meet up with her DS to “see the ring” before he proposed. Found this out afterwards.

I invited her to go bridal gown dress shopping w me and my mom and that was the first time the moms met.

She (and my own mom) got hyper involved in our wedding guest list, even though we had a very small, under 100 guest list. MIL was so angry that she couldn’t invite every last second cousin that she went to the stationery store where I ordered my wedding invitations and paid for her very own mailed wedding announcement. I found out only after our honeymoon when a relative sent a gift and referenced MIL announcement. MIL copped to this.

Post wedding, she was all up in our business: expected us to come over for all holidays, to include traveling to have Christmas with her side of the family, called DS every day, MIL showed up to DH adult league games. DS was 30.

When DC was born, she again sent her own announcements, but apparently after ours.

[Anonymous]

Be welcoming, stay kind, and always assume the best intentions are being made by all parties. Give the same grace that you would give to a friend, everyone is testing the waters and figuring out how these new relationships will work.

I can still hear my MIL screaming at her son (and me) over wedding invites. And I mean screaming and calling us every name in the book for not wanting to invite her son's old pediatrician (he was now 28). Because of this they didn't show up to the wedding. And we haven't seen them since. So when the time comes, remember it is their day and they will do it their way. If any of the money you may provide comes with strings, be upfront about that.

[Anonymous]

If you are standoffish from the start, she will worry you don't like her and it may be hard to create a warmer relationship later.

Be friendly and inviting from the beginning, the same as you would if a new woman joined your book club. Don't assume you will be best friends, but say hello, ask polite but interested questions, look for things you have in common to discuss.

One mistake a lot of MILs make, though, is assuming the relationship is going to be a certain way before you've even gotten to know your DIL or future DIL. Like they assume they will be close and get together independent of their son, and then are frustrated when it doesn't happen and blame the DIL for being cold. But maybe they just don't have very compatible personalities.

Find the level of friendship that makes sense for the actual people involved. If it turns out you have lots in common and whenever you get together you laugh a lot and enjoy each other's company, then sure, why not invite her to lunch just the two of you. But if it's a more distant and polite relationship, just embrace that. You may find you get closer if/when they have kids or slowly over time, as you get to know each other. Just be reasonable and don't assume things have to be a certain way. Staying open to different kinds of relationship depending on the people will enable you to have the best possible relationship without unreasonable expectations.

[Anonymous]

Whatever you do, DON'T measure the future DIL's pelvis to determine her viability in childbearing. She's not a broodmare, future MIL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely first meeting. Don't ignore her. Ask about her, include her in conversations. But don't go overboard or interrogate her. More like, pretend she's someone you want to be friends with, not someone you're trying to parent.

I wasn't included until I was married and it did hurt my feelings a bit. We knew from day 1 that we'd get married and we wanted to spend holidays together and such. So make sure to extend an invitation to holidays, but let her know she's free to decline too.

This is the kind of insight I need as I grew up in a different time in a different culture.

I'm just curious but how was it different? Would you not include girlfriends in holidays or be friendly to them? Most people I know don't introduce boyfriends/girlfriends to their families until it's a bit more serious.

It was an era of arranged match making, young marriages, joint families. It's changing even in India now but surely a completely alien universe for Indian-American youth. I feel us parents need to be more understanding and accepting of their life choices, instead of expecting them to adapt to lives lived on a different continent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you've raised your son to be respectful, kind, fair, and hard working, you're already half way there to become a great MIL.

The rest is just show interest in her, be kind and inclusive, and respect boundaries. Especially the last one.

This^.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, DON'T measure the future DIL's pelvis to determine her viability in childbearing. She's not a broodmare, future MIL!

Who does that? I doubt anyone in human history ever did that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be welcoming, stay kind, and always assume the best intentions are being made by all parties. Give the same grace that you would give to a friend, everyone is testing the waters and figuring out how these new relationships will work.

I can still hear my MIL screaming at her son (and me) over wedding invites. And I mean screaming and calling us every name in the book for not wanting to invite her son's old pediatrician (he was now 28). Because of this they didn't show up to the wedding. And we haven't seen them since. So when the time comes, remember it is their day and they will do it their way. If any of the money you may provide comes with strings, be upfront about that.

OP here- This is a higher level of crazy, I'll probably commit myself to an insane asylum before doing that.

[Anonymous]

Who pays if GF or BF are invited to family vacation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When did you start trying to be a good MIL? When they get engaged, got married or earlier once you felt they are in a serious relationship? I don't care to get involved unless there is a ring but my sister who is a beloved MIL to three DILs says it starts from first meeting, its too late if its already official. How did you handle this difficult mission, " How not to be a bad MIL?". Our Indian community is filled with difficult MILs and new generation of MILs need to end this tradition.

Every culture had bad MILs. Its changed or changing everywhere, thanks to women's rights movement.

[Anonymous]

I mean just be a nice person and don't give unsolicited advice, that's really all it takes. You sound odd.