MIL Manual

[Anonymous]

When did you start trying to be a good MIL? When they get engaged, got married or earlier once you felt they are in a serious relationship? I don't care to get involved unless there is a ring but my sister who is a beloved MIL to three DILs says it starts from first meeting, its too late if its already official. How did you handle this difficult mission, " How not to be a bad MIL?". Our Indian community is filled with difficult MILs and new generation of MILs need to end this tradition.

[Anonymous]

You need a good start but its an ongoing effort, you can't make a good impression and be done. Just like any ither relationship, you have to keep workkng on it.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean you "don't get involved"?

Do you mean you're not interested in meeting her, hearing about her or being pleasant?

Or do you mean you "don't get involved" until there's a ring...as in you would start butting in, meddling, offering an unsolicited opinion, inserting yourself, etc., when there's a ring?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean you "don't get involved"?

Do you mean you're not interested in meeting her, hearing about her or being pleasant?

Or do you mean you "don't get involved" until there's a ring...as in you would start butting in, meddling, offering an unsolicited opinion, inserting yourself, etc., when there's a ring?

By, "don't get involved", i mean influencing the choice, dating process, timeline. I would like him be free to make his decisions at his pace, not let my opinions and experiences sway his relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean you "don't get involved"?

Do you mean you're not interested in meeting her, hearing about her or being pleasant?

Or do you mean you "don't get involved" until there's a ring...as in you would start butting in, meddling, offering an unsolicited opinion, inserting yourself, etc., when there's a ring?

By, "don't get involved", i mean influencing the choice, dating process, timeline. I would like him be free to make his decisions at his pace, not let my opinions and experiences sway his relationships.

If this is what you mean being getting involved, I don't think you ever should!

[Anonymous]

I think it's all about respecting boundaries. And babysitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean you "don't get involved"?

Do you mean you're not interested in meeting her, hearing about her or being pleasant?

Or do you mean you "don't get involved" until there's a ring...as in you would start butting in, meddling, offering an unsolicited opinion, inserting yourself, etc., when there's a ring?

By, "don't get involved", i mean influencing the choice, dating process, timeline. I would like him be free to make his decisions at his pace, not let my opinions and experiences sway his relationships.

I'm not sure you know what it means to be a good MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean you "don't get involved"?

Do you mean you're not interested in meeting her, hearing about her or being pleasant?

Or do you mean you "don't get involved" until there's a ring...as in you would start butting in, meddling, offering an unsolicited opinion, inserting yourself, etc., when there's a ring?

By, "don't get involved", i mean influencing the choice, dating process, timeline. I would like him be free to make his decisions at his pace, not let my opinions and experiences sway his relationships.

The fact that you even think you can do this makes me LOL. Just No, MIL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean you "don't get involved"?

Do you mean you're not interested in meeting her, hearing about her or being pleasant?

Or do you mean you "don't get involved" until there's a ring...as in you would start butting in, meddling, offering an unsolicited opinion, inserting yourself, etc., when there's a ring?

By, "don't get involved", i mean influencing the choice, dating process, timeline. I would like him be free to make his decisions at his pace, not let my opinions and experiences sway his relationships.

I'm so confused. You're 'not getting involved' is actually being a good MIL!

[Anonymous]

Absolutely first meeting. Don't ignore her. Ask about her, include her in conversations. But don't go overboard or interrogate her. More like, pretend she's someone you want to be friends with, not someone you're trying to parent.

I wasn't included until I was married and it did hurt my feelings a bit. We knew from day 1 that we'd get married and we wanted to spend holidays together and such. So make sure to extend an invitation to holidays, but let her know she's free to decline too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean you "don't get involved"?

Do you mean you're not interested in meeting her, hearing about her or being pleasant?

Or do you mean you "don't get involved" until there's a ring...as in you would start butting in, meddling, offering an unsolicited opinion, inserting yourself, etc., when there's a ring?

By, "don't get involved", i mean influencing the choice, dating process, timeline. I would like him be free to make his decisions at his pace, not let my opinions and experiences sway his relationships.

OK, so, if you're not getting involved (GOOD!) pre=ring, what do you see changing when there is a ring? Would you start being more involved and what would that be? (because ifit's anything like the examples you are on the road to bad MIL).

I was going to initially say just be a decent human being who is pleasant, non judgmental, and welcoming to people she meets, including anyone your son choses to introduce. I think that's still the case, but I'd maybe add or clarify welcoming to mean being interested in who she is as a person. Maybe you don't want to invest in anyone who comes along, which is fine, and just being generally polite is fine. Then, once things become more serious, you work harder at getting to know potential DIL as a person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean you "don't get involved"?

Do you mean you're not interested in meeting her, hearing about her or being pleasant?

Or do you mean you "don't get involved" until there's a ring...as in you would start butting in, meddling, offering an unsolicited opinion, inserting yourself, etc., when there's a ring?

By, "don't get involved", i mean influencing the choice, dating process, timeline. I would like him be free to make his decisions at his pace, not let my opinions and experiences sway his relationships.

This is the key, not only because its his life but because if she feels/hears your opposition, it would effect your impression on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean you "don't get involved"?

Do you mean you're not interested in meeting her, hearing about her or being pleasant?

Or do you mean you "don't get involved" until there's a ring...as in you would start butting in, meddling, offering an unsolicited opinion, inserting yourself, etc., when there's a ring?

By, "don't get involved", i mean influencing the choice, dating process, timeline. I would like him be free to make his decisions at his pace, not let my opinions and experiences sway his relationships.

The fact that you even think you can do this makes me LOL. Just No, MIL!

It means I don't think of traditional matchmaking as a process fair and wouldn't engage in it.

[Anonymous]

fair process

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean you "don't get involved"?

Do you mean you're not interested in meeting her, hearing about her or being pleasant?

Or do you mean you "don't get involved" until there's a ring...as in you would start butting in, meddling, offering an unsolicited opinion, inserting yourself, etc., when there's a ring?

By, "don't get involved", i mean influencing the choice, dating process, timeline. I would like him be free to make his decisions at his pace, not let my opinions and experiences sway his relationships.

OK, so, if you're not getting involved (GOOD!) pre=ring, what do you see changing when there is a ring? Would you start being more involved and what would that be? (because ifit's anything like the examples you are on the road to bad MIL).

I was going to initially say just be a decent human being who is pleasant, non judgmental, and welcoming to people she meets, including anyone your son choses to introduce. I think that's still the case, but I'd maybe add or clarify welcoming to mean being interested in who she is as a person. Maybe you don't want to invest in anyone who comes along, which is fine, and just being generally polite is fine. Then, once things become more serious, you work harder at getting to know potential DIL as a person.

It means I would wholeheartedly accept whoever he loves.