MIL Manual

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When did you start trying to be a good MIL? When they get engaged, got married or earlier once you felt they are in a serious relationship? I don't care to get involved unless there is a ring but my sister who is a beloved MIL to three DILs says it starts from first meeting, its too late if its already official. How did you handle this difficult mission, " How not to be a bad MIL?". Our Indian community is filled with difficult MILs and new generation of MILs need to end this tradition.

Indian here - don't be a busy body, be kind, don't ask her to do stuff around the house, don't baby your son. I repeat - DON'T BABY YOUR SON. <-- You know what I mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean you "don't get involved"?

Do you mean you're not interested in meeting her, hearing about her or being pleasant?

Or do you mean you "don't get involved" until there's a ring...as in you would start butting in, meddling, offering an unsolicited opinion, inserting yourself, etc., when there's a ring?

By, "don't get involved", i mean influencing the choice, dating process, timeline. I would like him be free to make his decisions at his pace, not let my opinions and experiences sway his relationships.

The fact that you even think you can do this makes me LOL. Just No, MIL!

You're clearly not Indian, so you don't know what she's talking about. Stop talking about things you know nothing about.

[Anonymous]

If you treat the girlfriend badly, don’t expect that she will ever let you close when she becomes the wife. My MIL was quite nasty to me pretty much the whole time we dated, in part because she had a hard time with her only child being in a serious relationship and in part because I am not what she imagined in her family (culture/ethnicity/religion). Her reaction to our engagement was a long sigh and then silence.

When we got married, she magically flipped a switch and was all “I love you! You’re like a daughter to me!” Uh, no thanks, lady. I had 5+ years of seeing your real feelings towards me. I will always be civil and welcoming when you visit, but anything resembling closeness or love is off the table permanently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you treat the girlfriend badly, don’t expect that she will ever let you close when she becomes the wife. My MIL was quite nasty to me pretty much the whole time we dated, in part because she had a hard time with her only child being in a serious relationship and in part because I am not what she imagined in her family (culture/ethnicity/religion). Her reaction to our engagement was a long sigh and then silence.

When we got married, she magically flipped a switch and was all “I love you! You’re like a daughter to me!” Uh, no thanks, lady. I had 5+ years of seeing your real feelings towards me. I will always be civil and welcoming when you visit, but anything resembling closeness or love is off the table permanently.

I had the same experience. My MIL called my now DH after she meet me and said she didn’t think I was right for him and essentially, he could do better. I was at his apartment with him when she called and talked with him. It was a LONG phone call. This was after Christmas, I had bought them a lovely gift from their home state, apparently they didn’t expect me to give them something so MIL found a glass vase she had and gave that to me. My DH told me about the phone conversation since I had been there and it took a long time. We spent a few weeks apart and ended up getting back together. During that time she never called me, she didn’t even have my number. The day after we got engaged she sent me a text congratulating me and how excited she was to have me in the family. I’m cordial with her, but I can’t help to wonder what she really thinks of me.

[Anonymous]

I think modern desi DILs need to understand basic psychology as well, someone who watched out for a person from day 1 to 10,000 day, can't switch off suddenly. If other person is loving and making efforts to build new boundaries, offer empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think modern desi DILs need to understand basic psychology as well, someone who watched out for a person from day 1 to 10,000 day, can't switch off suddenly. If other person is loving and making efforts to build new boundaries, offer empathy.

Same goes for SILs as well.

[Anonymous]

Son in law

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think modern desi DILs need to understand basic psychology as well, someone who watched out for a person from day 1 to 10,000 day, can't switch off suddenly. If other person is loving and making efforts to build new boundaries, offer empathy.

Indian MILs can also choose to move with the times. There’s no reason to assume your new DIL is public enemy #1 while your son can do no wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think modern desi DILs need to understand basic psychology as well, someone who watched out for a person from day 1 to 10,000 day, can't switch off suddenly. If other person is loving and making efforts to build new boundaries, offer empathy.

Indian MILs can also choose to move with the times. There’s no reason to assume your new DIL is public enemy #1 while your son can do no wrong.

Most have, younger generation of educated MILs, specially ones living in western countries for decades. My grandma is old but ever giving source of love for all, her DILs adore her.

[Anonymous]

Be nice to her. Don't think of her as an extension of your son. Be polite and warm to her. That's about all. People can sense when you like them or dislike them. It is not that deep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When did you start trying to be a good MIL? When they get engaged, got married or earlier once you felt they are in a serious relationship? I don't care to get involved unless there is a ring but my sister who is a beloved MIL to three DILs says it starts from first meeting, its too late if its already official. How did you handle this difficult mission, " How not to be a bad MIL?". Our Indian community is filled with difficult MILs and new generation of MILs need to end this tradition.

Yes. Let him choose and welcome his choice with open loving heart. Love conquers all, healthy boundaries help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When did you start trying to be a good MIL? When they get engaged, got married or earlier once you felt they are in a serious relationship? I don't care to get involved unless there is a ring but my sister who is a beloved MIL to three DILs says it starts from first meeting, its too late if its already official. How did you handle this difficult mission, " How not to be a bad MIL?". Our Indian community is filled with difficult MILs and new generation of MILs need to end this tradition.

If you've a daughter, same rules apply to SIL as well. You many not see anyone worthy of your beautiful, high acchiever, sweet child but be accepting of whoever she picks. If you raised them right, they'll pick right for them.

[Anonymous]

Since you mentioned your culture, I will say this as the best friend of someone that married an Indian man and really dislikes her MIL: if your son marries someone that is not Indian, you really need to minimize your "involvement" in all the things you've listed. Make sure your future daughter in law doesn't feel like your culture is the only important one (particularly in any details related to the wedding). I know this is very hard to accept, but it will set things off for a much more productive relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you treat the girlfriend badly, don’t expect that she will ever let you close when she becomes the wife. My MIL was quite nasty to me pretty much the whole time we dated, in part because she had a hard time with her only child being in a serious relationship and in part because I am not what she imagined in her family (culture/ethnicity/religion). Her reaction to our engagement was a long sigh and then silence.

When we got married, she magically flipped a switch and was all “I love you! You’re like a daughter to me!” Uh, no thanks, lady. I had 5+ years of seeing your real feelings towards me. I will always be civil and welcoming when you visit, but anything resembling closeness or love is off the table permanently.

I had the same experience. My MIL called my now DH after she meet me and said she didn’t think I was right for him and essentially, he could do better. I was at his apartment with him when she called and talked with him. It was a LONG phone call. This was after Christmas, I had bought them a lovely gift from their home state, apparently they didn’t expect me to give them something so MIL found a glass vase she had and gave that to me. My DH told me about the phone conversation since I had been there and it took a long time. We spent a few weeks apart and ended up getting back together. During that time she never called me, she didn’t even have my number. The day after we got engaged she sent me a text congratulating me and how excited she was to have me in the family. I’m cordial with her, but I can’t help to wonder what she really thinks of me.

At least yours didn’t do it to your face. Mine told my now husband in front of me that she was in no hurry to be a grandmother and not to rush into anything. We were in our 30s and had been living together for a year and dating for nearly three. And then she told me a story about her friend who lived with a man for five year who then dumped her and married someone else within 6 months, while her friend ended up alone. This is all just some examples during one single visit where she was staying at our place. My husband put her in her place right away though (or he would not have become my husband!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you treat the girlfriend badly, don’t expect that she will ever let you close when she becomes the wife. My MIL was quite nasty to me pretty much the whole time we dated, in part because she had a hard time with her only child being in a serious relationship and in part because I am not what she imagined in her family (culture/ethnicity/religion). Her reaction to our engagement was a long sigh and then silence.

When we got married, she magically flipped a switch and was all “I love you! You’re like a daughter to me!” Uh, no thanks, lady. I had 5+ years of seeing your real feelings towards me. I will always be civil and welcoming when you visit, but anything resembling closeness or love is off the table permanently.

I had the same experience. My MIL called my now DH after she meet me and said she didn’t think I was right for him and essentially, he could do better. I was at his apartment with him when she called and talked with him. It was a LONG phone call. This was after Christmas, I had bought them a lovely gift from their home state, apparently they didn’t expect me to give them something so MIL found a glass vase she had and gave that to me. My DH told me about the phone conversation since I had been there and it took a long time. We spent a few weeks apart and ended up getting back together. During that time she never called me, she didn’t even have my number. The day after we got engaged she sent me a text congratulating me and how excited she was to have me in the family. I’m cordial with her, but I can’t help to wonder what she really thinks of me.

At least yours didn’t do it to your face. Mine told my now husband in front of me that she was in no hurry to be a grandmother and not to rush into anything. We were in our 30s and had been living together for a year and dating for nearly three. And then she told me a story about her friend who lived with a man for five year who then dumped her and married someone else within 6 months, while her friend ended up alone. This is all just some examples during one single visit where she was staying at our place. My husband put her in her place right away though (or he would not have become my husband!)

Its a couple's personal decision but may be she was hoping you two would get married and have a stronger bond before starting a family. No one would be your stronger supporter than Indian MIL if her son tried to ditch her grandchild's mother without serious cause.