Update: No, it's not abandonment (fact vs fiction)

[Anonymous]

This is crazy. Why would you dive back in to this board of vultures and angry hens to think you're going to prove a point?

[Anonymous]

My XH behaved a lot like OP on his way out of the marriage, and then immediately after the split. A lot of psychobabble about "caring for himself" and "putting himself first" all while his ES-aged kids sobbed themselves to sleep at night because they didn't understand what was happening.

Years later, I think he still doesn't understand how much damage he did. Yes, he has a relationship with the kids now, and has convinced himself that everything that happened in the early days was in the past.

But they are far less trusting of adults now. Their entire worldview shifted from "trusted adults love me and will be here for me" to "sometimes people just leave and you never know when it's going to happen."

I hope OP can hear this - she is hurting her child(ren) and no matter how she feels about her marriage, she's going to do permanent harm to them and to her relationship with them if she stays on this track.

[Anonymous]

I'm not trying to pile on but I WAS one of those kids. When I was in high school my mom decided she needed a "break" from my dad and our family, etc. and went and lived in a hotel for about two weeks. Now let me say this - as an adult with family and stress and pressure and not a great marriage, I totally get this. I get it from the bottom of my heart. I understand. I promise you.

But I'm a 53 year old woman who still remembers that like it was yesterday, and all of us "kids" still talk about it every so often. Yes, we felt abandoned in every meaningful way that you can define that. Our child brains simply didn't understand what she needed, and yours won't either. We were "older" at the time too. Middle school/high school. But our brains still today process it as "she bolted on us" even though we intellectually sort of get what the deal was. I will say this too - that time literally destroyed my brother's relationship with her, and they never recovered.

Just sayin'.

[Anonymous]

Now you know to seek legal advice from lawyers and not an anonymous Internet forum.

[Anonymous]

Why not share custody like you will have to when you divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not trying to pile on but I WAS one of those kids. When I was in high school my mom decided she needed a "break" from my dad and our family, etc. and went and lived in a hotel for about two weeks. Now let me say this - as an adult with family and stress and pressure and not a great marriage, I totally get this. I get it from the bottom of my heart. I understand. I promise you.

But I'm a 53 year old woman who still remembers that like it was yesterday, and all of us "kids" still talk about it every so often. Yes, we felt abandoned in every meaningful way that you can define that. Our child brains simply didn't understand what she needed, and yours won't either. We were "older" at the time too. Middle school/high school. But our brains still today process it as "she bolted on us" even though we intellectually sort of get what the deal was. I will say this too - that time literally destroyed my brother's relationship with her, and they never recovered.

Just sayin'.

I'm the PP immediately above you, with the kids trying to reconcile their dad's behavior with the fact that they know he loves them and I really appreciate the grace you bring to your awareness of the situation but also your willingness to confront the realities of how your mom's actions impacted you.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend who left her DH and two girls when they were something like 7 and 10 years old.

She met a new guy she wanted to have uninterrupted sex with and moved out.

She is a narcissist, like a real, big one.

[Anonymous]

A few weeks ago I posted here asking for how I should approach telling my husband I wanted a one month break from him and (by force) our kid (because he's the stay at home parent and our kid is older so it's not like I'm leaving a baby).

Hahaha. No, you are not leaving your kid “by force”, you are leaving BY CHOICE because you are selfish and most likely narcissistic. Pretty sure the motto “you do you” was invented for selfish people like you, who clearly never should have had a kid.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Funny how everyone is saying now it's "moral" abandonment. Check the last thread. No one was saying that. Nice try. Can't admit you are just wrong? Also, I've been gone for work trips many time. My kid is fine. Hello...my husband stays at home! Wow, you people are clueless.

Perhaps next time don't preach what you don't know.

[Anonymous]

OP, your child will always see this as an abandonment, no matter what lawyers tell you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Funny how everyone is saying now it's "moral" abandonment. Check the last thread. No one was saying that. Nice try. Can't admit you are just wrong? Also, I've been gone for work trips many time. My kid is fine. Hello...my husband stays at home! Wow, you people are clueless.

Perhaps next time don't preach what you don't know.

I think the "I travel for work" rationalization only works if your husband is willing to lie for you. So, yes, if your husband will lie to your child and tell them you are on a work trip, then it's no harm no foul.

Can you ask him to do that?

[Anonymous]

^^^ Note that I don't mean "Can you ask him to do that" as a suggestion. More of a "Can you in good conscience ask that of him?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few weeks ago I posted here asking for how I should approach telling my husband I wanted a one month break from him and (by force) our kid (because he's the stay at home parent and our kid is older so it's not like I'm leaving a baby). I wanted time to think about our marriage. I am the person who works and supports the family. My thread turned into a hate fest of: By doing this you are abandoning your family!!!

I had a consult with the divorce firm Livesay & Myers this week. They confirmed it is NOT abandonment! 1) I am still paying for everyone's living expenses. 2) I am returning. 3) There is communication of when I will be leaving and returning.

For all you "know it all" people who think you "know" the law. You do not. Have a nice day.

I hope that you were just writing in a quick and casual way here and that you do realize that your spouse “works and supports the family” by taking care of your child and your home. You may not be completely aware of all he does around the house, but it is work and it does support your family.

Getting paid for doing your job doesn’t mean that you are the only person who works and supports your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Funny how everyone is saying now it's "moral" abandonment. Check the last thread. No one was saying that. Nice try. Can't admit you are just wrong? Also, I've been gone for work trips many time. My kid is fine. Hello...my husband stays at home! Wow, you people are clueless.

Perhaps next time don't preach what you don't know.

I didn't see the first thread. My dad was "away for work" several times when I was a kid. Sometimes as long as a month. Effed me and my siblings up, we all have trust issues and strained relationships with him as adults. One sister has serious abandonment issues and she was a young teens when he started that crap. Why not be honest:"Larlo, I no longer want to live with you and dad. Buyee!"

[Anonymous]

Becoming a mother is like joining a gang: brutal initiation, new family which comes first, lifetime commitment, and death is the only way out,