How do I get to do what I want on holidays (sometimes)?

[Anonymous]

What do you when someone doesn’t allow you to set boundaries. For example, my mother. She’s in town, and she has the firm expectation that I spend from the moment I wake to the moment I go to sleep with her, chatting with her, doing something with her. It’s extremely exhausting because we also have a five and seven year old, and I’m burnt out from all the stress of having young kids, working, activities, etc. I couldn’t even drink a cup of coffee this morning before she was in the kitchen loudly talking. I asked her to speak quietly because I didn’t want to wake up the kids, and she told me I was rude. She doesn’t give me any space, she has extreme untreated anxiety and she is manipulative. How does one establish boundaries like, “hey, kids are being quiet so I’m going to go for a walk alone.” If I was to say that, she would yell at me for being cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you when someone doesn’t allow you to set boundaries. For example, my mother. She’s in town, and she has the firm expectation that I spend from the moment I wake to the moment I go to sleep with her, chatting with her, doing something with her. It’s extremely exhausting because we also have a five and seven year old, and I’m burnt out from all the stress of having young kids, working, activities, etc. I couldn’t even drink a cup of coffee this morning before she was in the kitchen loudly talking. I asked her to speak quietly because I didn’t want to wake up the kids, and she told me I was rude. She doesn’t give me any space, she has extreme untreated anxiety and she is manipulative. How does one establish boundaries like, “hey, kids are being quiet so I’m going to go for a walk alone.” If I was to say that, she would yell at me for being cruel.

Have her stay in a hotel next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you when someone doesn’t allow you to set boundaries. For example, my mother. She’s in town, and she has the firm expectation that I spend from the moment I wake to the moment I go to sleep with her, chatting with her, doing something with her. It’s extremely exhausting because we also have a five and seven year old, and I’m burnt out from all the stress of having young kids, working, activities, etc. I couldn’t even drink a cup of coffee this morning before she was in the kitchen loudly talking. I asked her to speak quietly because I didn’t want to wake up the kids, and she told me I was rude. She doesn’t give me any space, she has extreme untreated anxiety and she is manipulative. How does one establish boundaries like, “hey, kids are being quiet so I’m going to go for a walk alone.” If I was to say that, she would yell at me for being cruel.

You walk out the door and go for a walk. If she pouts you ignore her like she is not there. It gets easier the more you do it.

And for the OP, if you are being pressured you get angry and yell and say No! I already told you the answer is no and you are being rude and obnoxious by pressuring me. Stop it. and walk away. What you are not realizing is that you have to change your reaction if you want them to change their behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I constantly get railroaded by my family. In general but especially during the holidays. I’ll do things they want (like attending my DH’s aunts big Thanksgiving gathering even though I’d prefer doing something smaller that involves less travel) thinking then I’ll be able to do what I want. But here we are the next day and I want to do a quiet family day at home with MIL, just relaxing and watching movies, making going for a walk at some point. But my DH wants to go on this “grand tour” of visiting friends (since we are in his hometown). I really don’t want to. They are his friends from high school and I am all small talked out after yesterday and also don’t want to drag DC around. But when I said this he got all hurt like I was taking something precious away. I told him he could go but I want to stay home. Instead he’s sitting around pouting, ruining the relaxing afternoon I wanted.

This always happens. It’s the same with my parents and brother. People just push and push and if I push back, I’m the bad guy. I think part of the problem is that when I do the stuff for others, even if I do t love it, I don’t let it show. I was pleasant and friendly at dinner yesterday even though it wasn’t really my thing and I hardly knew anyone there. My DH takes this to mean that I got to do something I enjoyed. But to me that’s just polite, plus I can find a way to enjoy at least some aspect of most things. But no one else seems to have this skill and as a result I feel like I spend my life accommodating other people’s needs.

How do I change this dynamic?

Omg this describes my entire life, OP! I bet we would be good friends. Will follow in case there any helpful ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s because you care about “being the bad guy” when you insist. Get over that. When you agree to do something for someone else, at that time also say, sure, “I will do xyz if you want. But I’m going to abc tomorrow.” And stick to it. Don’t worry about how anyone sees you as the bad guy.

NP here. This is food for thought. I am the youngest in an aggressive family and tried to stay off the radar. That suggestion is not my first nature!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you when someone doesn’t allow you to set boundaries. For example, my mother. She’s in town, and she has the firm expectation that I spend from the moment I wake to the moment I go to sleep with her, chatting with her, doing something with her. It’s extremely exhausting because we also have a five and seven year old, and I’m burnt out from all the stress of having young kids, working, activities, etc. I couldn’t even drink a cup of coffee this morning before she was in the kitchen loudly talking. I asked her to speak quietly because I didn’t want to wake up the kids, and she told me I was rude. She doesn’t give me any space, she has extreme untreated anxiety and she is manipulative. How does one establish boundaries like, “hey, kids are being quiet so I’m going to go for a walk alone.” If I was to say that, she would yell at me for being cruel.

You walk out the door and go for a walk. If she pouts you ignore her like she is not there. It gets easier the more you do it.

And for the OP, if you are being pressured you get angry and yell and say No! I already told you the answer is no and you are being rude and obnoxious by pressuring me. Stop it. and walk away. What you are not realizing is that you have to change your reaction if you want them to change their behavior.[/quote

]


I am learning to care less and walk away, like this example. It is against my nature and it’s hard, but is freeing and helps things to be more balanced.

[Anonymous]

I never understand this question. You tell people what your plans are, and you do them. Husband whines? Tell him whining is not appropriate after age 3 and he needs to adjust it. Parents have problems with your plans ... not your problem. Set your boundaries, and keep them. There is nothing wrong with that.
--someone who spends every holiday exactly as I planned it

[Anonymous]

He does know you aren’t having a good time/“doing something you enjoy”, he is just acting as though he doesn’t in order to avoid needing to compromise about how to spend time. It’s basically the vacuum for a Christmas gift mentality.

You deal with this by setting expectations around the holidays at the planning stage and articulating what you would actually like and compromising with one another (with one another is key, people who try to compromise with the in laws and their parents wind up endlessly miserable). “Jim I don’t want to travel at thanksgiving this year, could we plan to see your family at Christmas instead/ Sure Jim we can do your aunts party but on Friday let’s take the kids to *scenic walk* and have a quiet day”

[Anonymous]

That all sounds exhausting and not fun, OP. I am also an introvert and would need to recharge after the big aunt gathering.

My thing is, I just feel like holidays are not for relaxing. I think your husband is also “right” for taking this time to invest in relationships. Holidays are sometimes the best/only time for that, especially if you don’t get back to your hometown very often.

I agree with others, you should just have him go see friends alone.

But overall I think you should just take other days in the year to relax and sit around, and just accept that the holidays are about something else.

[Anonymous]

OP, that does sound exhausting to never feel like your opinions and needs matter. I think it would help to talk about two issues before the next trip. First, your need for downtime. For introverts, this really isn’t a nice-to-have, it’s something you really need. Explain to him what you need and how it feels to not get any downtime. And secondly, discuss how he feels the two of you have to do everything together. That’s probably something he absorbed in his family of origin and has weird thoughts that if he goes to a friend‘a house without you, they would think the marriage is in trouble, etc. It may not even be a conscious idea he has, but articulating that he’s learned things that make no sense (like many of us over time). And as a part of that conversation, listen to him, too. Maybe there is one special friend he wants you to meet, etc. There is a lot of space between doing everything your husband wants and none. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

The problem is that you’re letting the pouting get to you. Your husband asks if you want to go around town visiting his friends. You say, “No, I’m not up for that. But by all means, you go and enjoy yourself. That sounds like a great afternoon for you.”

Then he says, “Forget it.” And then he pouts and is grumpy.

This is where you have to dig deep: IGNORE IT. Do not give any oxygen to the pouting. Go about your business. Do not engage or ask him why he’s grumpy. Don’t call him out on it. Don’t try to cheer him up or ask him to do anything. Simply ignore it. Read a book. Go for a walk. Watch a movie. Talk to MIL. But do not ask him anything.

It’s his choice to stay home instead of seeing his friends. It’s his choice to be grumpy. Do not get manipulated or feel punished for saying no. Yes, he’s attempting to punish you, but don’t take it. Simply ignore it. Later, like when you’re back home sometime next week, you can address it. Or not. But again, do not engage in his petulant behavior.
IGNORE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is behaving immaturely. There is no reason for you to tag along to visit HIS childhood friends.

I don't think it's weird or immature for DH to want to see people who are.were important in his life and introduce them to the most important people in his life. There's room for compromise here. spending time with his friends and relaxing with MIL and movies.

[Anonymous]

I think sometimes it helps to start with what you are willing to do, and then follow up with what you don’t want to do after that. Give and take. “I’m happy to spend time socializing with the family after dinner in the den, but after that I’m going to retire to my room for some downtime before bed.” “I’m happy to visit with your childhood friends in the morning, but that’s all the socialization I’m up for this holiday weekend. I’m going to do some solo shopping in the afternoon when we get back and will need the car.”

[Anonymous]

The problem is that you’re letting the pouting get to you. Your husband asks if you want to go around town visiting his friends. You say, “No, I’m not up for that. But by all means, you go and enjoy yourself. That sounds like a great afternoon for you.”

Then he says, “Forget it.” And then he pouts and is grumpy.

This is where you have to dig deep: IGNORE IT. Do not give any oxygen to the pouting. Go about your business. Do not engage or ask him why he’s grumpy. Don’t call him out on it. Don’t try to cheer him up or ask him to do anything. Simply ignore it. Read a book. Go for a walk. Watch a movie. Talk to MIL. But do not ask him anything.

It’s his choice to stay home instead of seeing his friends. It’s his choice to be grumpy. Do not get manipulated or feel punished for saying no. Yes, he’s attempting to punish you, but don’t take it. Simply ignore it. Later, like when you’re back home sometime next week, you can address it. Or not. But again, do not engage in his petulant behavior.
IGNORE.

+1

And as a PP said, this will get easier the more often you do it. And--your DH will probably do it less because it doesn't get him his desired result (you giving in).

[Anonymous]

I struggle with this as an in law. I have no trouble telling my parents no and exactly what I want. But in-laws judge more because I’m not related to them. And I struggle to get/tell what I want. It’s awful.