How do I get to do what I want on holidays (sometimes)?
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Anonymous
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I feel like I constantly get railroaded by my family. In general but especially during the holidays. I’ll do things they want (like attending my DH’s aunts big Thanksgiving gathering even though I’d prefer doing something smaller that involves less travel) thinking then I’ll be able to do what I want. But here we are the next day and I want to do a quiet family day at home with MIL, just relaxing and watching movies, making going for a walk at some point. But my DH wants to go on this “grand tour” of visiting friends (since we are in his hometown). I really don’t want to. They are his friends from high school and I am all small talked out after yesterday and also don’t want to drag DC around. But when I said this he got all hurt like I was taking something precious away. I told him he could go but I want to stay home. Instead he’s sitting around pouting, ruining the relaxing afternoon I wanted.
This always happens. It’s the same with my parents and brother. People just push and push and if I push back, I’m the bad guy. I think part of the problem is that when I do the stuff for others, even if I do t love it, I don’t let it show. I was pleasant and friendly at dinner yesterday even though it wasn’t really my thing and I hardly knew anyone there. My DH takes this to mean that I got to do something I enjoyed. But to me that’s just polite, plus I can find a way to enjoy at least some aspect of most things. But no one else seems to have this skill and as a result I feel like I spend my life accommodating other people’s needs. How do I change this dynamic? |
Anonymous
| Do you get some holidays with your side of the family? |
Anonymous
Less frequently as they live very far away. But even when we do, I check in with others to make sure, say, my mom is getting the kind of quality time she wants with my DC, or that my DH gets time to go for runs or hikes. And the issue is not really about it being “his” family’s holiday. I want to spend the day with his mom! And I think my DC and MIL would prefer that too. But mostly I just want quiet relaxation time after a very crowded, busy, loud day yesterday. |
Anonymous
| You need to communicate with your husband better. "I dont' really want to go to MIL's or your hometown. I have always acted pleasant so you've thought I was having fun but I was just being polite and I am exhausted. So if you want to go this year we can, but the Friday afterwards, I am hanging out at MIL's house, maybe going for a walk, and just relaxing. I won't be going around to see all your old friends." |
Anonymous
| Be the bad guy? You want them to agree to what you want AND be graceful about it. It sounds like they're not going to do both. So either you whine more and try to make them feel as bad as they make you if they don't get their way, or just decide to ignore the whining. |
Anonymous
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You are allowing yourself to be manipulated. It'll take awhile for your husband and others to learn that pouting won't work. You can only change you.
Do you have kids? Do you give in to every tantrum/pouting? |
Anonymous
I would be clear about that bolded part. "I was happy to go and I enjoy your family, but I need some quiet activities to regroup before we do another activity with a lot of people. I really want you to be able to see and catch up with old friends, so I hope you will choose to go and have a good time today." I agree with the poster who says this pouting is emotionally manipulative. |
Anonymous
| It’s because you care about “being the bad guy” when you insist. Get over that. When you agree to do something for someone else, at that time also say, sure, “I will do xyz if you want. But I’m going to abc tomorrow.” And stick to it. Don’t worry about how anyone sees you as the bad guy. |
Anonymous
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It's because you're not nasty enough. You have to act confidently, as if you've got every right to do so. When someone pushes back, you act surprised and outrage, and retort with bullet points on why you deserve to decide whatever you decided, and why the other person is selfish and clueless. 
I'm the sweetest person ever, so of course I don't actually come off as nasty, but thinking in this way in my own head makes me less of a doormat and more of a normal person who makes their own decisions and has perfectly good reasons ready to trot out for why these decisions were made. |
Anonymous
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OMG, is there anything more boring than hanging out with your spouse's HS friends (assuming you met them much later)
If your DH cannot see that he would have a much better time seeing friends on his own (dragging a kid along--what is he thinking?), that is the problem. ( Are you a trophy wife he wants to show off? That's the only reason I can think of why he insists on you coming along. ) Does he always pout when he does not get his way? That is a problem that won't be solved by you changing the way you word your answer. |
Anonymous
| I feel you OP. Let your husband see his friends by himself. I had something similar with my husband and never liked to visit his friends. You have every right to do what you want to do. |
Anonymous
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OP here. PPs are right that I absolutely struggle with being "the bad guy". Though the reason I struggle is because my DH is being manipulative by throwing a fit whenever he doesn't get his way, thus making me the bad guy. I don't make him the bad guy when we do things he wants to do because I think it's reasonable that we sometimes do things he wants to do. But he can be childish and sometimes he thinks we should only do what I want if it sounds good to him. This just isn't realistic.
He and my mom and brother also have this idea that we must always do things together, which is a problem because sometimes what I really want is to just be alone or be able to do things on my own. I guess this is part of being an introvert surrounded by extroverts, but sometimes I think it's also that they are too reliant on me for things and need to learn to be more independent. It's very hard for me to say "I just want to be alone, or I just want it to be quiet" when they are in my face trying to do activities or make me do something outside the house. But yes, I need to be more willing to say it. That's what I felt I was doing today but the pressure to do whatever they want never stops. I think I was too amenable when I was younger and it set a bad precedent. But the truth is that I used to be easier going in general, before having kids, because I just have a very relaxed personality and I really can be happy doing lots of different things. But now that I'm a mom, I have to give so much of myself. I am less easy going and my needs for down time and relaxation are much more acute than they used to be. |
Anonymous
You are aware of what is happening, which is the first step. Good for you. You not only deserve time on your own, but you deserve not to feel guilty about that. My DH has even gone on trips with the kids and left me alone in the house because he has recognized how much of a break I've sometimes needed. Your husband and in-laws are taking advantage of you. Second step is now standing up for yourself. You can take baby steps. For example, just going out on a walk by yourself. Or sleeping in and letting your husband/in-laws watch the kids for a while. Remember that if you don't take care of yourself, then you won't be able to adequately take care of your family. Good luck! |
Anonymous
| Your DH is behaving immaturely. There is no reason for you to tag along to visit HIS childhood friends. |
Anonymous
| Stand up for yourself and let him pout. It is not your job to make sure everyone is happy. You need to set some boundaries and people will respect you more for it. Don’t be a door mat |