S/o How to get high conflict husband to go to therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're the boat wife? I still can't figure out why you like him.

But just find a couples counselor, go to them, share the boat story, and get their suggestions on how to broach the subject based on their experience dealing with people like your husband.

Boat wife here. I don’t really like him. I’m having trouble detaching. Having trouble telling him what I want. The boat + no sex + verbal abuse = me wanting out. I have no idea how to broach this topic with him so was thinking of bringing him to therapy, not to change him but so there’s someone else in the room who can make him give me the space to say what I need to say without talking over me. That I’m miserable and if things don’t change, I’m leaving. And I don’t want to spend years in therapy with him. I’m not 30 anymore. I don’t have that kind of time.

honey, you have your lawyer tell him. you don’t need to tell him.

Honestly, my sense from all of this is that she doesn’t want to leave him. She wants him to acknowledge her. If she wanted to leave him she could just serve him the papers. Despite the myriad flaws and issues she has listed, she calls him her best friend. There is a lot of ambivalence here, and one thing she needs to work out is why she identifies with a victim position in the relationship. If she could disentangle herself from that a lot of options would be on the table — divorce, separation, allowing him to be unhappy when he doesn’t get what he wants and making her own life within the marriage, identifying whether she can have a voice in the relationship or she can’t, and so on. It sounds like she is stuck because she doesn’t see herself outside of this relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP, he is not going to change. Once piece of advice someone gave me when I was in your shoes - "The therapist wants to see change to feel successful. A narcissist is NOT going to change. So the 2 of them will end up ganging up on you." And that is what happened.

You have gotten a LOT of advice to seek legal counsel to protect assets. Focus on that first.

We cannot change other people, only our response to them. Your H sounds horrible, exploitative and selfish. DTMFA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had to insist on it. “We either go to counseling or we get divorced. Your choice.” He threw a tantrum and did everything he could to stop from going. I just held firm the way you do with a toddler. “I made an appointment with a therapist and an appointment with an attorney. It’s your choice which route we go”.

We did therapy for years but unfortunately divorced anyway. From what I’ve learned, it’s almost impossible for men like that to change, unless they want to change for themselves and not just to keep their wives around.

Unfortunately, this. I did get mine to go but after the first session the therapist said it was impossible to get through to him.he didn’t have the will to understand his faults

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I have the same issue. I thought things were getting better a month ago when DH said he felt like he wasted the last 10 years being angry and disagreeable and negative. Lasted 2 weeks. Today I hit a breaking point when he caused a huge fight right as I was trying to get to an important meeting- his MO is to sabotage everything happy. I told him therapy by Jan 1 or divorce. He “apologized” later and thinks that makes everything ok. I didn’t leave him when my kid was younger becuase I thought I could make it work- I come from a broken home and didn’t want that. Now I stay becuase I don’t want to break my kid’s heart so close to leaving for college, I’m still with him. I can’t stand to see my life slip away as I age- lonely, trying to walk on eggshells to prevent tension. I don’t have advice other than I offer you hugs and support and say that I see you and I feel for you.

I want to give you a hug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a 20 year marriage with someone like this, OP. I also told him that it was therapy or divorce. He loves therapy bc he loves to talk about himself. He can be unbelievably helpful and kind at times, and at times, defensive, verbally abusive, impossible. therapy is helping him remove himself from a situation where he holds me hostage talking at me for hours at a time. It is helpful.I don't know what I will do in the long term. I do not want to be divorced. But therapy is the only way for me. I don't do couple's therapy anymore, but I totally validate having a therapist in the same room so that you have someone to bear witness and allow you to speak.

I can’t believe how many women are in this same situation. My DH used to do this too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this situation, and my own therapy led to a sexual relationship with my therapist and later divorce. YMMV.

I know this is not funny but it made me laugh out loud.

Well, I did chuckle ruefully when writing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this situation, and my own therapy led to a sexual relationship with my therapist and later divorce. YMMV.

Your therapist should lose his or her license to practice, permanently. Having a sexual relationship with a patient is absolutely against therapists' code of ethical practices. The therapist surely has done this with other patients before you and will do this with other patients after you. I'm so sorry.

He should, but he won’t. It lasted a long time. Based on what unfolded I think I am the only one, unless there was anyone in his remote past. He feels bad about it now. But it took up a decade of my life.

[Anonymous]

I dated someone like this. My suspicion is she had BPD. Created conflict with almost everyone in her life: friends, family, coworkers. I gave her an ultimatum to get help or I would leave. She got help but didn't change enough for me to stay. Finally decided to prioritize my peace and left the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're the boat wife? I still can't figure out why you like him.

But just find a couples counselor, go to them, share the boat story, and get their suggestions on how to broach the subject based on their experience dealing with people like your husband.

Boat wife here. I don’t really like him. I’m having trouble detaching. Having trouble telling him what I want. The boat + no sex + verbal abuse = me wanting out. I have no idea how to broach this topic with him so was thinking of bringing him to therapy, not to change him but so there’s someone else in the room who can make him give me the space to say what I need to say without talking over me. That I’m miserable and if things don’t change, I’m leaving. And I don’t want to spend years in therapy with him. I’m not 30 anymore. I don’t have that kind of time.

honey, you have your lawyer tell him. you don’t need to tell him.

Honestly, my sense from all of this is that she doesn’t want to leave him. She wants him to acknowledge her. If she wanted to leave him she could just serve him the papers. Despite the myriad flaws and issues she has listed, she calls him her best friend. There is a lot of ambivalence here, and one thing she needs to work out is why she identifies with a victim position in the relationship. If she could disentangle herself from that a lot of options would be on the table — divorce, separation, allowing him to be unhappy when he doesn’t get what he wants and making her own life within the marriage, identifying whether she can have a voice in the relationship or she can’t, and so on. It sounds like she is stuck because she doesn’t see herself outside of this relationship.

Very insightful, PP. I hope OP reads this and considers it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're the boat wife? I still can't figure out why you like him.

But just find a couples counselor, go to them, share the boat story, and get their suggestions on how to broach the subject based on their experience dealing with people like your husband.

Boat wife here. I don’t really like him. I’m having trouble detaching. Having trouble telling him what I want. The boat + no sex + verbal abuse = me wanting out. I have no idea how to broach this topic with him so was thinking of bringing him to therapy, not to change him but so there’s someone else in the room who can make him give me the space to say what I need to say without talking over me. That I’m miserable and if things don’t change, I’m leaving. And I don’t want to spend years in therapy with him. I’m not 30 anymore. I don’t have that kind of time.

honey, you have your lawyer tell him. you don’t need to tell him.

Honestly, my sense from all of this is that she doesn’t want to leave him. She wants him to acknowledge her. If she wanted to leave him she could just serve him the papers. Despite the myriad flaws and issues she has listed, she calls him her best friend. There is a lot of ambivalence here, and one thing she needs to work out is why she identifies with a victim position in the relationship. If she could disentangle herself from that a lot of options would be on the table — divorce, separation, allowing him to be unhappy when he doesn’t get what he wants and making her own life within the marriage, identifying whether she can have a voice in the relationship or she can’t, and so on. It sounds like she is stuck because she doesn’t see herself outside of this relationship.

Very insightful, PP. I hope OP reads this and considers it.

OP here. Been thinking about this all day. Have I adopted a victim mentality? Yes. Can I see myself objectively outside that? It’s hard. I actually do want to leave. I fantasize all the time about having my own little place. Today my husband hurt my dog. She has a training collar which I only use on the vibrate setting (no pain but she always responds.) He wanted her to come inside and immediately turned it up to a pretty high shock setting. I told him
That was abusive. He did not really reply, other than to say I was being “overly sensitive” and the dog is the center of my life. He’s displayed his jealousy over my dog before.
Feeling sad and trying to project myself outside this relationship so I can look at it objectively and with some personal power instead of feeling like a victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're the boat wife? I still can't figure out why you like him.

But just find a couples counselor, go to them, share the boat story, and get their suggestions on how to broach the subject based on their experience dealing with people like your husband.

Boat wife here. I don’t really like him. I’m having trouble detaching. Having trouble telling him what I want. The boat + no sex + verbal abuse = me wanting out. I have no idea how to broach this topic with him so was thinking of bringing him to therapy, not to change him but so there’s someone else in the room who can make him give me the space to say what I need to say without talking over me. That I’m miserable and if things don’t change, I’m leaving. And I don’t want to spend years in therapy with him. I’m not 30 anymore. I don’t have that kind of time.

honey, you have your lawyer tell him. you don’t need to tell him.

Honestly, my sense from all of this is that she doesn’t want to leave him. She wants him to acknowledge her. If she wanted to leave him she could just serve him the papers. Despite the myriad flaws and issues she has listed, she calls him her best friend. There is a lot of ambivalence here, and one thing she needs to work out is why she identifies with a victim position in the relationship. If she could disentangle herself from that a lot of options would be on the table — divorce, separation, allowing him to be unhappy when he doesn’t get what he wants and making her own life within the marriage, identifying whether she can have a voice in the relationship or she can’t, and so on. It sounds like she is stuck because she doesn’t see herself outside of this relationship.

Very insightful, PP. I hope OP reads this and considers it.

OP here. Been thinking about this all day. Have I adopted a victim mentality? Yes. Can I see myself objectively outside that? It’s hard. I actually do want to leave. I fantasize all the time about having my own little place. Today my husband hurt my dog. She has a training collar which I only use on the vibrate setting (no pain but she always responds.) He wanted her to come inside and immediately turned it up to a pretty high shock setting. I told him
That was abusive. He did not really reply, other than to say I was being “overly sensitive” and the dog is the center of my life. He’s displayed his jealousy over my dog before.
Feeling sad and trying to project myself outside this relationship so I can look at it objectively and with some personal power instead of feeling like a victim.

Hi OP. I’m the one who wrote the previous post about identifying with a victim position. You have done it again in your post above, whether you realize it or not. Focusing on what he has done, how he wronged someone innocent, etc. instead of on your own agency here. You have choices, and you are choosing to stay with him every day. My guess is that you derive some sense of self from being the victim and that’s why it’s hard to leave.

You probably have lots of negative feelings towards him for different things that have happened. You need to give yourself permission to get those out, and to empathize with yourself fully. Then you need to forget about what he’s done or is doing or might do and completely focus on your agency. You are not just someone to whom bad things are being done. You are a powerful person here in your own right. You do NOT need him to go to therapy with you. You do not need his recognition or permission to do what you want to do. Stop thinking and fantasizing about doing these things, and do them. The fantasy of leaving is another escape from agency, just like the victimhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're the boat wife? I still can't figure out why you like him.

But just find a couples counselor, go to them, share the boat story, and get their suggestions on how to broach the subject based on their experience dealing with people like your husband.

Boat wife here. I don’t really like him. I’m having trouble detaching. Having trouble telling him what I want. The boat + no sex + verbal abuse = me wanting out. I have no idea how to broach this topic with him so was thinking of bringing him to therapy, not to change him but so there’s someone else in the room who can make him give me the space to say what I need to say without talking over me. That I’m miserable and if things don’t change, I’m leaving. And I don’t want to spend years in therapy with him. I’m not 30 anymore. I don’t have that kind of time.

honey, you have your lawyer tell him. you don’t need to tell him.

Honestly, my sense from all of this is that she doesn’t want to leave him. She wants him to acknowledge her. If she wanted to leave him she could just serve him the papers. Despite the myriad flaws and issues she has listed, she calls him her best friend. There is a lot of ambivalence here, and one thing she needs to work out is why she identifies with a victim position in the relationship. If she could disentangle herself from that a lot of options would be on the table — divorce, separation, allowing him to be unhappy when he doesn’t get what he wants and making her own life within the marriage, identifying whether she can have a voice in the relationship or she can’t, and so on. It sounds like she is stuck because she doesn’t see herself outside of this relationship.

Very insightful, PP. I hope OP reads this and considers it.

OP here. Been thinking about this all day. Have I adopted a victim mentality? Yes. Can I see myself objectively outside that? It’s hard. I actually do want to leave. I fantasize all the time about having my own little place. Today my husband hurt my dog. She has a training collar which I only use on the vibrate setting (no pain but she always responds.) He wanted her to come inside and immediately turned it up to a pretty high shock setting. I told him
That was abusive. He did not really reply, other than to say I was being “overly sensitive” and the dog is the center of my life. He’s displayed his jealousy over my dog before.
Feeling sad and trying to project myself outside this relationship so I can look at it objectively and with some personal power instead of feeling like a victim.

Hi OP. I’m the one who wrote the previous post about identifying with a victim position. You have done it again in your post above, whether you realize it or not. Focusing on what he has done, how he wronged someone innocent, etc. instead of on your own agency here. You have choices, and you are choosing to stay with him every day. My guess is that you derive some sense of self from being the victim and that’s why it’s hard to leave.

You probably have lots of negative feelings towards him for different things that have happened. You need to give yourself permission to get those out, and to empathize with yourself fully. Then you need to forget about what he’s done or is doing or might do and completely focus on your agency. You are not just someone to whom bad things are being done. You are a powerful person here in your own right. You do NOT need him to go to therapy with you. You do not need his recognition or permission to do what you want to do. Stop thinking and fantasizing about doing these things, and do them. The fantasy of leaving is another escape from agency, just like the victimhood.

OP here. Wow. This might be the most helpful thing anyone has ever said to me, on DCUM or in person. Thank you. I will refocus myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're the boat wife? I still can't figure out why you like him.

But just find a couples counselor, go to them, share the boat story, and get their suggestions on how to broach the subject based on their experience dealing with people like your husband.

Boat wife here. I don’t really like him. I’m having trouble detaching. Having trouble telling him what I want. The boat + no sex + verbal abuse = me wanting out. I have no idea how to broach this topic with him so was thinking of bringing him to therapy, not to change him but so there’s someone else in the room who can make him give me the space to say what I need to say without talking over me. That I’m miserable and if things don’t change, I’m leaving. And I don’t want to spend years in therapy with him. I’m not 30 anymore. I don’t have that kind of time.

honey, you have your lawyer tell him. you don’t need to tell him.

Honestly, my sense from all of this is that she doesn’t want to leave him. She wants him to acknowledge her. If she wanted to leave him she could just serve him the papers. Despite the myriad flaws and issues she has listed, she calls him her best friend. There is a lot of ambivalence here, and one thing she needs to work out is why she identifies with a victim position in the relationship. If she could disentangle herself from that a lot of options would be on the table — divorce, separation, allowing him to be unhappy when he doesn’t get what he wants and making her own life within the marriage, identifying whether she can have a voice in the relationship or she can’t, and so on. It sounds like she is stuck because she doesn’t see herself outside of this relationship.

Very insightful, PP. I hope OP reads this and considers it.

OP here. Been thinking about this all day. Have I adopted a victim mentality? Yes. Can I see myself objectively outside that? It’s hard. I actually do want to leave. I fantasize all the time about having my own little place. Today my husband hurt my dog. She has a training collar which I only use on the vibrate setting (no pain but she always responds.) He wanted her to come inside and immediately turned it up to a pretty high shock setting. I told him
That was abusive. He did not really reply, other than to say I was being “overly sensitive” and the dog is the center of my life. He’s displayed his jealousy over my dog before.
Feeling sad and trying to project myself outside this relationship so I can look at it objectively and with some personal power instead of feeling like a victim.

First time posting on this thread but your above example is really disturbing to me and gives me narcissist/sociopath red flag vibes. I think focusing on yourself and your own therapy, and figuring out if this is really what you want for your life would be the best thing to do at this time.

[Anonymous]

Get ooooooout. You don’t need a permission slip. Go.

[Anonymous]

You need to do The 180. That means detaching from codependency and focusing on yourself. What do YOU want for yourself as a whole human being in your own right. Start small. What do you want for dinner? What do you want to watch on TV? With no consideration for what he wants. He can figure his own crap out.
And the 180 is NOT to "get him back" or anything to do with him at all. It's about setting boundaries and refusing to accept treatment that is unacceptable.
Then go to a therapist and tell them all the things you want to tell him. https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/