S/o How to get high conflict husband to go to therapy?

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to radically accept he is not going to change for the better and if the malice toward the dog is any indication, he is getting worse.

HE would have to be the one seeing help and be highly motivated to have a chance of moving the needle even a bit. But, he is not.

He is happy with the status quo. He gets to hoover up your money while terrorizing you and the pet and playing with his spendy toys.

DTMFA.

You are going to be SO MAD at yourself that you did not do it sooner.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are so enmeshed.

He is a grown ass man.

Of course he will rage and tantrum when you stop buying him toys. He is using you for $.

No sex = the marriage is over. His gaslighting of you = marriage is over. Him behaving in an abusive way towards your pet = the marriage is OVER.

Put a rubber band around your wrist. Every time you think of him or his needs, etc, snap the band and shift the thoughts to your future and the safety of your pet.

Are you very socially isolated? Joint a book group or something. This man is NOT your "best friend."

[Anonymous]

https://www.regain.us/advice/general/the-enmeshed-family-14-signs-of-enmeshment-and-how-to-overcome-difficult-relationship-dynamics/

[Anonymous]

If you are not having sex I don't think you can be 100% sure he is not seeing someone, OP. Often men try out other relationships before leaving. The nastiness toward you is also common of cheaters. And he is happy to take and spend your money.

[Anonymous]

When you are being emotionally abused, sometimes you are so used to it that it doesn’t seem THAT bad. Believe me, OP…you are the frog who has been boiling in this water the whole time. The rest of us are new to it and we k or it’s boiling…that’s why we’re all saying jump. You’re too used to it to see how awful it is.

Would you even have a 2nd date with a guy who hurt your dog? Who betrayed you for a full 20 minutes?

No you would not. You would run.

Do t eBay yourself up about not jumping ship earlier. This is what abusers do…he gradually warmed up the water over time. He has beat you down. But he has not beaten you.

Please don’t wait until Dec 8 or expect him to change. You have all the information you need, already. What could he possibly say or do to stop being a man who would hurt a small dog on purpose, just to needle you? Just to show that he can? This is not something fixable in therapy.

Make sure you have your own financial accounts and start transferring your 50% if the money, now. Sock away as much as you can in gift cards when you go shopping over the next week. Make sure you have a place to stay. Contact an attorney, and have Dec 8 he the day you tell him you are filing papers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you are being emotionally abused, sometimes you are so used to it that it doesn’t seem THAT bad. Believe me, OP…you are the frog who has been boiling in this water the whole time. The rest of us are new to it and we k or it’s boiling…that’s why we’re all saying jump. You’re too used to it to see how awful it is.

Would you even have a 2nd date with a guy who hurt your dog? Who betrayed you for a full 20 minutes?

No you would not. You would run.

Do t eBay yourself up about not jumping ship earlier. This is what abusers do…he gradually warmed up the water over time. He has beat you down. But he has not beaten you.

Please don’t wait until Dec 8 or expect him to change. You have all the information you need, already. What could he possibly say or do to stop being a man who would hurt a small dog on purpose, just to needle you? Just to show that he can? This is not something fixable in therapy.

Make sure you have your own financial accounts and start transferring your 50% if the money, now. Sock away as much as you can in gift cards when you go shopping over the next week. Make sure you have a place to stay. Contact an attorney, and have Dec 8 he the day you tell him you are filing papers.

You are right. I’m trying to figure out how to do this with the money. He watches our bank account like a hawk and questions any unusual purchase or withdrawal I make over $100. (I guess I could just change my direct deposit at work to go into a new account at a new bank.)

[Anonymous]

I don't have any advice regarding bank accounts, perhaps that is something that your attorney could help with.

Who do you have in your life aside from your DH that can provide you with support right now? I know that it is hard to reach out but now is a really critical and stressful time and I think that it could really help you to have someone in your life who has your back 100%. I did not read over all of the previous threads, so I apologize if I missed these details.

Finally, I do not want to come across as alarmist but I urge you to be careful and take caution. A few years ago and acquaintance murdered his wife and then killed himself when she was planning to leave him. It sounds as though you do not want to be alone with him when discussing this and I am sure that there is valid a reason for that. Maybe it is time to move in with a friend or family member. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any advice regarding bank accounts, perhaps that is something that your attorney could help with.

Who do you have in your life aside from your DH that can provide you with support right now? I know that it is hard to reach out but now is a really critical and stressful time and I think that it could really help you to have someone in your life who has your back 100%. I did not read over all of the previous threads, so I apologize if I missed these details.

Finally, I do not want to come across as alarmist but I urge you to be careful and take caution. A few years ago and acquaintance murdered his wife and then killed himself when she was planning to leave him. It sounds as though you do not want to be alone with him when discussing this and I am sure that there is valid a reason for that. Maybe it is time to move in with a friend or family member. Good luck.

I miss reiterate this. Please take special care, OP. This is the most dangerous time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had to insist on it. “We either go to counseling or we get divorced. Your choice.” He threw a tantrum and did everything he could to stop from going. I just held firm the way you do with a toddler. “I made an appointment with a therapist and an appointment with an attorney. It’s your choice which route we go”.

We did therapy for years but unfortunately divorced anyway. From what I’ve learned, it’s almost impossible for men like that to change, unless they want to change for themselves and not just to keep their wives around.

Ditto. I literally started packing my bags and told him I was done unless he agreed to counseling. We had small children at the time and he knew we would leave. It actually worked and counseling worked too. It’s been about 6 years. No blowout fights anymore and he stopped name calling which he knew was a deal breaker. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

For those of you on this thread that found therapy helpful, how did it help?

We've tried it two different times and it feels like just bringing up all of our issues and never really working to resolve anything. The biggest "advice" we ever received was to treat eachother with the same respect you treat a coworker". Which didn't work.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, just wanted to check on you. How was the meeting on the 8th? Hope you are doing ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP, just wanted to check on you. How was the meeting on the 8th? Hope you are doing ok.

Aw, thanks for checking!
I had a good consult with the lawyer. He walked me through the various options and how this usually works in Maryland. Sounds like mediation is the way to go if there is any possible way I can make that happen.
I am looking at apartments this weekend.
Final straw actually came last night when my husband screamed the f-word at me because he was frustrated, and then he blamed me for his outburst. He said I always set him off like this on purpose. I've heard that abusive people blame their victims but it had never happened to me until last night.

[Anonymous]

I'm so, so sorry, OP, but stay strong! There are a bunch of us DCUM randos rooting for you, lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so, so sorry, OP, but stay strong! There are a bunch of us DCUM randos rooting for you, lady.

Aw, thank you! Having DCUM randos on my side makes me feel strong!

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, just also wanted to let you know I was rooting for you, too. Glad you got your options from a lawyer.

FYI, mediation can be great if you two are on equal footing and both want a fair and equitable split. I do not think your DH wants that, so just beware. Don't waste a bunch of your money on mediation, only to have him not agree at the last minute and then it has to go to court.

On the other hand, avoid court because it is the most expensive option. Draw up something fair - know what is a must for you and where you are willing to compromise. In fact, pad the things you're willing to compromise on so that you can make a deeper compromise. But with no dependents, this is pretty straightforward.

Focus on YOU and on being unemotional. You can do this.