S/o How to get high conflict husband to go to therapy?
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Anonymous
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OP I have been following all your threads and let me say:
Girl, you don’t need a couples counselor; you need a divorce lawyer. Let’s say that you get into counseling tomorrow and he claims to be willing to work on his attitude toward you. My guess is that with someone like him, he is going to say “I compromised for you by going to therapy together and being nice to you, so now you owe me and you have to compromise and spend more money on all the useless shit I want.” You have a husband who thinks you should keep working and he should keep shopping. He doesn’t like or love you and he isn’t a good partner. You are going to end up divorced. Do you want to do it now, when you can at least control how your income is spent for the rest of your career? Or do you want to keep looking for him to have a magical change of heart while he continues to spend spend spend and refuse to contribute? |
Anonymous
| Agree with PPs. You need to make two appointments: one with an individual therapist and one with a divorce attorney. And then detach and quietly prepare to leave the relationship. Don’t tip him off this is what you’re doing. I doubt your DH would let you leave amicably. Given what you’ve just described with the dog, I’d also be worried he might become more verbally, if not physically abusive. He also seems like someone who would be vindictive and make divorce so awful, that you would stay or give in to all his demands. You’re in a very tough spot. |
Anonymous
| OP here. I made a consultation appointment with a good local divorce attorney for Dec 8. My emotions are all over the place. I’m a mess. What do you all mean when you say “just have your attorney serve him with papers”? I thought that the spouse needed to somehow agree before this step happened. I’m in Maryland. |
Anonymous
| You don’t need your spouses permission to file for divorce. |
Anonymous
Of course he doesn’t have to agree to get divorced. You can’t be forced to stay married. This isn’t the Middle Ages. You file to start the process. Then you both figure out how to divide your assets. Your attorney can guide on the best time to file and what you need to do protect yourself financially (as much as you can.) You should make an appointment with a therapist too. Divorces are stressful and you definitely don’t want to find yourself contacting your lawyer every time you’re angry and need help processing. |
Anonymous
Ok, thank you. I just have no idea how this works but I’m sure my attorney will guide me through it. I do have a therapist, and she has been very helpful. |
Anonymous
| I don't see why you're still trying to prop this marriage up. What is the up side? It sounds miserable. I think you should move on. |
Anonymous
| Unless there is a strategic reason you need to file first, for the love of gd do not have him served without warning. It will greatly increase his conflict. Instead talk to him and tell him you want to go to therapy but have divorce papers ready to go. If he can’t have a come to Jesus moment and try to work it out, tell him he is being served and do it the day you tell him. |
Anonymous
| Mom? |
Anonymous
Aww— no, we never had kids so I’m not your mom. But if you think your mom is in a tough spot like this, I bet she’d really appreciate talking to you about it. |
Anonymous
Thanks—good advice. |
Anonymous
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OP, you need to literally step away from the spell you are under. Take action.
Hire someone like this. https://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/advice/a6793/working-women-divorce/ Rent a home for you and the dog. Do therapy once this is all in the rearview mirror. Have the lawyer handle everything and follow her advice. If you somehow feel like he is paying attention to you by being cruel to the dog out of "jealousy" surely you understand how sick sitting there to see what he will do next time is. GO. OR rehome the helpless dog who does not deserve to be some kind of pawn in all of this. |
Anonymous
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OP, you need a NEW therapist. This one has NOT been very helpful.
DO you want to come home and see what new sick thing he has done to your dog? That the dog is no longer there? Clearly you have deep seeded issues to work out but this is an ACTION STEP. First things first. Get to SAFETY. You cannot process or heal from trauma while you and that poor pet are unsafe. GO. Or, let the dog go to a rescue. |
Anonymous
Stop overthinking, OP. Your attorney will walk you through all of it. In the meantime, find a new place to live. Enact your dream/vision of a safe new space for you and your beloved dog. Take concrete action steps. Hire movers, etc. And don't tell DH anything until after you have gotten a plan of action from an attorney. In the meantime, set up some accounts in your name and transfer assets. You will need $ to rent or take out a mortgage, etc. |
Anonymous
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OK, I just read the boat thread, and OP, you deserve to enjoy your life and pursue your own dreams, and need to GTFO of this shitty marriage.
- area happily remarried woman. |