For those who have 3 or 4 children and two parents who work outside of the home

[Anonymous]

We have 6,6 and 3. No family around (Also different countries).
- We live in DC so the youngest one is in PreK and the other two in 1st grade.
-I have a flexible job, DH job is relatively flexible with no travel since the pandemic
-DH helps 99%. There are just certain stuffs like kids' laundry that he doesn't do.
-DH do drop-offs and it can be stressful to get 3 kids ready and out of the door
-The kids play well together and we value family time over many activities
- We don't do more than 2 activities/week. The weekend is mostly family time (we do museums, hikes, birthday parties, etc)
- We do a lot of travel, road trips plus airbnb. We did 3 different trips last summer. Hoping to resume international travels soon
- We used to have an au pair, we stopped with the pandemic but might get one again if DH starts traveling.
- We have a cleaning lady who comes every 2 weeks
- We have a part-time nanny who helps with pickup twice/week
- I believe that the key is to be organized and don't overcommit with activities and say no sometimes, do what works for your family regardless of what other people might think
- I agree things would be easier with 2 kids, but I have a lot of friends who have 2 kids who are more stressed than we are because they have a stressful job, or very demanding kids or are overcommitted to activities. I have time to do HH, volunteer in school, and so on.

Having 3 kids was a lifesaver during the pandemic, they totally entertained each other and didn't feel so lonely when other people were desperate for playdates.

good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We currently have two and are planning for a third and maybe a fourth. Both parents earn roughly the same amount and contribute jointly to childcare and running the household. I am looking for tips and things to plan for upon arrival the third. When did you find it made sense to hire a nanny or au pair vs day care? What items make sense to outsource vs. doing it yourself? Do you have the kids do the same activities and sports to make logistics easier? What types of things do you typically do for vacation?

I know that this is an open ended question but we mostly know people with two kids and those with more than that have one SAHP. Before people pile on and say that this is too many kids, we are both very involved parents and I am not looking for feedback regarding the optimal number of children . Our jobs are both fairly flexible but we have no local family.

When did you find it made sense to hire a nanny or au pair vs day care? - Nanny means you don't have to get everyone up and out of the house and you don't have to do any of the bottle washing or packing (or laundry!) if they're in daycare. Au pairs can be great but unless you have a good house set up and may have odd hours, I'd go the nanny route. Pay the higher rates for a really good one.

What items make sense to outsource vs. doing it yourself? - Anything that you don't like doing and/or that takes time away from family time, work time, and personal time. For us, that's cleaning the house (including washing and remaking beds), laundry, gardening, car washing, grocery shopping, some meal prep, etc.

Do you have the kids do the same activities and sports to make logistics easier? - Started like that but then they developed separate interests so they had to winnow down the number of activities in order to really focus on the one thing they were into.

What types of things do you typically do for vacation? - Travel somewhere with fun activities! Skiing, beach/lake, big city, dude ranch, whatever. Find places where you can rent condos instead of hotel rooms, or get hotel suites (adjoining rooms can be tricky because often they won't guarantee ahead of time).

We don't have local family either but to be honest I've never full understood that since we didn't expect our parents to contribute financially or time-wise to our decision to work and have kids (although my SIL with four kids is a total mooch...). Having a great nanny and backup babysitters (also a dogsitter because we have dogs) is honestly easier. Sure it costs more but then there's no drama or guilt that I see with people who use their families for childcare and such.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two WOHP with no local family to lean on is just dumb unless you are rich and can afford a lot of household help + money for extras and college savings.

Assuming your local family is there for you to use forever is dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have three: currently 10, 8, and 5.5. DH and I both work FT, albeit with flexible positions. My family is local but largely not helpful, for various reasons. My mom does what she can, but it’s not like we have free childcare or grandparents on standby, the way some do. We did daycare for all three because we found a daycare with our first that we LOVED and so it was worth every penny. A nanny would have been cheaper, probably, but we still would have had to pay for preschool and had an employee, which neither DH nor I wanted to deal with. As it was, when our kids were there, we didn’t worry, ever, about their care. That was priceless.

I book swimming for them at the same time. All three did/will do summer swim team together. DD (the oldest) does Girl Scouts and Girls on the Run, which are feasible, in part because I coach the latter. We’ll let the younger two, both boys, pick another activity and cap it there. All three are in elementary and go to aftercare together.

For vacations, we go to the same beach each summer; it’s become tradition and we all look forward to it. We’ll probably plan a second, “bigger” vacation once/year: Europe, Disney, whatever.

We could have had a fourth kid, but that likely would have meant more stress and/or me cutting back professionally more than I wanted to. I feel very lucky that we have what we do: three amazing kids; rewarding, meaningful, flexible careers; and good neighbors and friends (we vacationed with neighbors, for example). It’s pretty great.

OP, this is key for us as well. We have never needed to rely on neighbors for pick ups, drop offs, etc., but we have helped others and just knowing that this large network exists is priceless. Not that you're looking at moving, but it's one thing that has helped us out a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have three: currently 10, 8, and 5.5. DH and I both work FT, albeit with flexible positions. My family is local but largely not helpful, for various reasons. My mom does what she can, but it’s not like we have free childcare or grandparents on standby, the way some do. We did daycare for all three because we found a daycare with our first that we LOVED and so it was worth every penny. A nanny would have been cheaper, probably, but we still would have had to pay for preschool and had an employee, which neither DH nor I wanted to deal with. As it was, when our kids were there, we didn’t worry, ever, about their care. That was priceless.

I book swimming for them at the same time. All three did/will do summer swim team together. DD (the oldest) does Girl Scouts and Girls on the Run, which are feasible, in part because I coach the latter. We’ll let the younger two, both boys, pick another activity and cap it there. All three are in elementary and go to aftercare together.

For vacations, we go to the same beach each summer; it’s become tradition and we all look forward to it. We’ll probably plan a second, “bigger” vacation once/year: Europe, Disney, whatever.

We could have had a fourth kid, but that likely would have meant more stress and/or me cutting back professionally more than I wanted to. I feel very lucky that we have what we do: three amazing kids; rewarding, meaningful, flexible careers; and good neighbors and friends (we vacationed with neighbors, for example). It’s pretty great.

OP, this is key for us as well. We have never needed to rely on neighbors for pick ups, drop offs, etc., but we have helped others and just knowing that this large network exists is priceless. Not that you're looking at moving, but it's one thing that has helped us out a lot.

I'm the PP you're quoting and yes, they make a big difference. We don't rely on ours for childcare, but are each other's emergency contact for school, hang out often, participate i meal trains, things like that.

[Anonymous]

I have three. I had to cut back some at work to 75% to make things make sense. We have schedules where both of us are available after 3:30 or 4 to drive. Kids are now 12, 9, and 6 and we have between 8-10 activities to drive to M-Th (practices, lessons, PT appointments, etc) and it is almost impossible to do as one person. Carpools were largely killed during the pandemic and haven't completely come back yet. Weekends can be fine or a mess -- we sometimes have to rely on teammates to take a kid to a game (which is fine and we are happy to help others too). If one of us is travelling we have to hire help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, don’t assume you can just have the 3-4 kids do the same sports to make it easier. First of all, kids aren’t like that - they have their own individual strengths and interests. Second, with various ages, it doesn’t help you much anyway - games and practices and tournaments will all be at different times anyway. At most you are helped by passing down cleats or equipment - aka it doesn’t help you much.

+1 So true! I had (misguided) visions about my oldest 2 on the same teams, (just a year apart). Nope. They are so different. Which is great - if a little harder transportationally.

+10000. I have 3, ages 4, 7 and 9, and the 7 and 9 year old are 18 months apart. Even if they could be on the same teams (which is sometimes possible), I actually don't want them to be because one will outshine the other, and it can cause issues. Plus, it is important, as they get older, that they have things of their own, which being on different teams, even in the same sport, allows them to do.

And the 4 year old - he won't be doing anything extracurricular for forever, basically. Too many balls to juggle. We pass on lots of things now - parties and such - because we are already so busy with extracurriculars (and the kids aren't even doing that many!). I want family time, and social stuff is the first to get knocked down the priority list when I have to choose.

Three is wonderful. I wouldn't change it. But it is a lot more than 2, and it is definitely getting harder, not easier, as they age. We both work full-time and have never had a nanny.

[Anonymous]

We have 3, all school aged now. When we had one in school, one in preschool, and one in daycare, it was kind of tough. I think you have to divide and conquer the drop offs and pickups. It helps if you have some flexibility on start or end time for work. It’s a lot easier now that they are all in school. Whatever your situation, you’ll find care that works for your family and everyone will adjust. I’m not so concerned with extracurriculars since the pandemic, but I wouldn’t load up the kids with activities anyway, especially the younger ones. Btw, I love having 3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, don’t assume you can just have the 3-4 kids do the same sports to make it easier. First of all, kids aren’t like that - they have their own individual strengths and interests. Second, with various ages, it doesn’t help you much anyway - games and practices and tournaments will all be at different times anyway. At most you are helped by passing down cleats or equipment - aka it doesn’t help you much.

+1 So true! I had (misguided) visions about my oldest 2 on the same teams, (just a year apart). Nope. They are so different. Which is great - if a little harder transportationally.

+10000. I have 3, ages 4, 7 and 9, and the 7 and 9 year old are 18 months apart. Even if they could be on the same teams (which is sometimes possible), I actually don't want them to be because one will outshine the other, and it can cause issues. Plus, it is important, as they get older, that they have things of their own, which being on different teams, even in the same sport, allows them to do.

And the 4 year old - he won't be doing anything extracurricular for forever, basically. Too many balls to juggle. We pass on lots of things now - parties and such - because we are already so busy with extracurriculars (and the kids aren't even doing that many!). I want family time, and social stuff is the first to get knocked down the priority list when I have to choose.

Three is wonderful. I wouldn't change it. But it is a lot more than 2, and it is definitely getting harder, not easier, as they age. We both work full-time and have never had a nanny.

DP, but this is where you need to be realistic about whether you're a parent who can say no to extracurriculars. If you think your kids need to Do All the Things, having 3+ kids with two working parents is going to be very, very hard. It's not fair to deny one kid (usually the youngest) any activities because you either can't plan or can't say no. Totally fine to prefer more activities and fewer kids, but it's best to account for that early and to be honest with yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, don’t assume you can just have the 3-4 kids do the same sports to make it easier. First of all, kids aren’t like that - they have their own individual strengths and interests. Second, with various ages, it doesn’t help you much anyway - games and practices and tournaments will all be at different times anyway. At most you are helped by passing down cleats or equipment - aka it doesn’t help you much.

+1 So true! I had (misguided) visions about my oldest 2 on the same teams, (just a year apart). Nope. They are so different. Which is great - if a little harder transportationally.

+10000. I have 3, ages 4, 7 and 9, and the 7 and 9 year old are 18 months apart. Even if they could be on the same teams (which is sometimes possible), I actually don't want them to be because one will outshine the other, and it can cause issues. Plus, it is important, as they get older, that they have things of their own, which being on different teams, even in the same sport, allows them to do.

And the 4 year old - he won't be doing anything extracurricular for forever, basically. Too many balls to juggle. We pass on lots of things now - parties and such - because we are already so busy with extracurriculars (and the kids aren't even doing that many!). I want family time, and social stuff is the first to get knocked down the priority list when I have to choose.

Three is wonderful. I wouldn't change it. But it is a lot more than 2, and it is definitely getting harder, not easier, as they age. We both work full-time and have never had a nanny.

DP, but this is where you need to be realistic about whether you're a parent who can say no to extracurriculars. If you think your kids need to Do All the Things, having 3+ kids with two working parents is going to be very, very hard. It's not fair to deny one kid (usually the youngest) any activities because you either can't plan or can't say no. Totally fine to prefer more activities and fewer kids, but it's best to account for that early and to be honest with yourself.

I am pretty sure the four year old will grow up fine without “extracurriculars” at that age. But this is spot on: I knew that having a third meant public school, the kids won’t see Europe until college, and will have fewer extracurricular activities. I thought more kids and fewer activities was better, but it’s no use pretending there isn’t a trade off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, don’t assume you can just have the 3-4 kids do the same sports to make it easier. First of all, kids aren’t like that - they have their own individual strengths and interests. Second, with various ages, it doesn’t help you much anyway - games and practices and tournaments will all be at different times anyway. At most you are helped by passing down cleats or equipment - aka it doesn’t help you much.

+1 So true! I had (misguided) visions about my oldest 2 on the same teams, (just a year apart). Nope. They are so different. Which is great - if a little harder transportationally.

+10000. I have 3, ages 4, 7 and 9, and the 7 and 9 year old are 18 months apart. Even if they could be on the same teams (which is sometimes possible), I actually don't want them to be because one will outshine the other, and it can cause issues. Plus, it is important, as they get older, that they have things of their own, which being on different teams, even in the same sport, allows them to do.

And the 4 year old - he won't be doing anything extracurricular for forever, basically. Too many balls to juggle. We pass on lots of things now - parties and such - because we are already so busy with extracurriculars (and the kids aren't even doing that many!). I want family time, and social stuff is the first to get knocked down the priority list when I have to choose.

Three is wonderful. I wouldn't change it. But it is a lot more than 2, and it is definitely getting harder, not easier, as they age. We both work full-time and have never had a nanny.

DP, but this is where you need to be realistic about whether you're a parent who can say no to extracurriculars. If you think your kids need to Do All the Things, having 3+ kids with two working parents is going to be very, very hard. It's not fair to deny one kid (usually the youngest) any activities because you either can't plan or can't say no. Totally fine to prefer more activities and fewer kids, but it's best to account for that early and to be honest with yourself.

I am pretty sure the four year old will grow up fine without “extracurriculars” at that age. But this is spot on: I knew that having a third meant public school, the kids won’t see Europe until college, and will have fewer extracurricular activities. I thought more kids and fewer activities was better, but it’s no use pretending there isn’t a trade off.

I'm the PP with the 4 year old without extracurriculars, and yes, he is doing fine without them. But, of course, he will soon have them, as he indicates interest, and we'll have to add it to the mix. I think having 3 makes you realize what is useful and impactful to a person, and 3 made me realize that preschoolers don't need activities. He is 100% happy playing in the dirt at his brothers' baseball games. But yes, if you are someone who thinks everyone should be doing All The Things, you either should not have 3, or you will need an extra driver, or a lot more help at home. 3 kids = tradeoffs, much more so than 2 or 1 kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, don’t assume you can just have the 3-4 kids do the same sports to make it easier. First of all, kids aren’t like that - they have their own individual strengths and interests. Second, with various ages, it doesn’t help you much anyway - games and practices and tournaments will all be at different times anyway. At most you are helped by passing down cleats or equipment - aka it doesn’t help you much.

+1 So true! I had (misguided) visions about my oldest 2 on the same teams, (just a year apart). Nope. They are so different. Which is great - if a little harder transportationally.

+10000. I have 3, ages 4, 7 and 9, and the 7 and 9 year old are 18 months apart. Even if they could be on the same teams (which is sometimes possible), I actually don't want them to be because one will outshine the other, and it can cause issues. Plus, it is important, as they get older, that they have things of their own, which being on different teams, even in the same sport, allows them to do.

And the 4 year old - he won't be doing anything extracurricular for forever, basically. Too many balls to juggle. We pass on lots of things now - parties and such - because we are already so busy with extracurriculars (and the kids aren't even doing that many!). I want family time, and social stuff is the first to get knocked down the priority list when I have to choose.

Three is wonderful. I wouldn't change it. But it is a lot more than 2, and it is definitely getting harder, not easier, as they age. We both work full-time and have never had a nanny.

DP, but this is where you need to be realistic about whether you're a parent who can say no to extracurriculars. If you think your kids need to Do All the Things, having 3+ kids with two working parents is going to be very, very hard. It's not fair to deny one kid (usually the youngest) any activities because you either can't plan or can't say no. Totally fine to prefer more activities and fewer kids, but it's best to account for that early and to be honest with yourself.

I am pretty sure the four year old will grow up fine without “extracurriculars” at that age. But this is spot on: I knew that having a third meant public school, the kids won’t see Europe until college, and will have fewer extracurricular activities. I thought more kids and fewer activities was better, but it’s no use pretending there isn’t a trade off.

Sure, but the PP said no extracurriculars for the youngest "for forever." She might have been flippant, but I've seen that dynamic IRL plenty, and I think it stinks.

But to the rest of your comment, right, exactly. We also chose more kids and fewer activities (and other things) and are happy with that choice. Just be clear about the choice you're making. You can't have three kids and run your family like you have one, for the most part. You can try, but then you'll be miserable and stressed. There are so many wonderful things about having three kids that aren't trips and activities and stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We never did nanny/au pair yet. But my third was born when the oldest went to K, so we never had three kids too young for school at once. My husband is a teacher and handles summers. So the economics of a nanny never worked out.

More than infant care, think about 3-4 middle schoolers, each with one practice and one game a week (all over the county). That’s when things get tricky even if you make each kid pick one activity per season. How will you handle it if Kid A has soccer at 6, Kid B has baseball at 6:30, and Kid C has soccer at 7, all in different places and Kid D is five and needs to be fed/asleep somehow?

This pp is correct. We have 4 kids. When they were little both parents worked out of the house. We always found that having a nanny made much more sense than daycare. There are so many days when the older kids had no school or half day or the little kids had a runny nose and wouldn't have been allowed at day care. When we had one in middle school and one in upper elementary we split duties in the evening. DH stayed home and got the younger kids in bed early while I shuttled the older kids to practices. I was better at talking to other parents and working out carpools so that if practices were on opposite ends of town we could make it all work. We never had a budget for any other household help when we had little kids (we did contribute to 401K and 529) but I would have LOVED to have someone clean the house 2x a month!!
As the kids have gotten older it has gotten MUCH harder. We now have one in college out of state, one in high school and 2 in middle school. We now split driving duties in the evenings. What makes everything manageable is the DH and I both now work at home and have pretty flexible work schedules. So we are often sitting down to dinner at 4:30pm so that everyone is fed before evening activities start.

[Anonymous]

So I am in the end stage of this and can look back. We have 4 who are all teens/YA now with no family in the area in fact both of our parents have been dead since just before our second was born so no grandparents even.

We moved from nanny to au pair when we had 4th. Our nanny was older and not a driver. My oldest was 4 when the last one came and in PreK so needed pickup. If you go with au pair get them driving lessons!!

We live where things are walkable. Means our house was smaller but made life a lot easier.

3rd child turns out to be in sport which required a lot of travel and high competitive level (on track for D1 play in college). Others have always been in sports but have always limited them to one activity at a time.

I decided early on Sunday dinner was our family time. No one can schedule over it, friends are welcome and everyone will be fed. Weekday dinners are on the fly a lot.

Weekly house cleaner. Yes luxury but I would have lost my mind without that. Also go to have married at type A personality. My DH hates clutter so we don't accumulate a lot and everything has a place.

Teen years are by far the hardest years -- gird your loins. Kids going all over the place, peer pressure, friend drama, homework, school actually mattering, etc. I have decided that I really like teens though. Fun but exhausting on all levels.

We have two in college now and two in high school so the house is a lot quieter but no less hectic. Next year three will be in college (why we have always both worked) and I think it may be quieter then? Who knows.

The biggest thing I try to counsel the younger moms on is that you can't put a price on flexibility with your job. It is ok to be on the mommy track when the kids are younger if the trade off is being able to run and get a sick kid from school or going on a field trip. You can always ramp it back up as the kids get older.

[Anonymous]

We have 3 young kids, with youngest nearly 4.

When they are young, it’s really the physical grind that’s challenging, combined with the need to be able to stay calm even when everyone is crying. We are over that hump now and it feels a lot easier. I actually think when the youngest turned 18 months it started slowly getting easier.

I work FT my DH works a lot, so while he isn’t here to help much his salary provides $$ to outsource some stuff, which is helpful. We did/do daycare/preschool/ after care for the kids which was easier for me than managing a nanny (we had one) and we felt was better for the kids. From when the youngest was about 12 months until 30 months, I had evening help — the problem is not “caring” for the kids, it’s that the oldest needs help with homework and the baby still needs close supervision. If your DH is involved you may not need that help.

A couple other things - I am super organized and we have systems/routines for most things, so the kids can do a lot independently. It also means I have been on them since they were babies to put things away, pick up, toys stay in the play room, etc., which seems to all click when they turn about 4.

The last is that my kids are not hugely into team sports, and I don’t push it (I also don’t discourage it - they have all tried soccer and my oldest has tried basketball), and I do encourage activities where we can do individual lessons. So my kids each do three activities each week which are private lessons. I’ve stopped feeling guilty that my kids do less than families with only children (or even 2 kids) — three activities is plenty (plus the very occasional ones we pick up).