For those who have 3 or 4 children and two parents who work outside of the home

[Anonymous]

Save the planet. Stop with where you are now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, don’t assume you can just have the 3-4 kids do the same sports to make it easier. First of all, kids aren’t like that - they have their own individual strengths and interests. Second, with various ages, it doesn’t help you much anyway - games and practices and tournaments will all be at different times anyway. At most you are helped by passing down cleats or equipment - aka it doesn’t help you much.

+1 So true! I had (misguided) visions about my oldest 2 on the same teams, (just a year apart). Nope. They are so different. Which is great - if a little harder transportationally.

+10000. I have 3, ages 4, 7 and 9, and the 7 and 9 year old are 18 months apart. Even if they could be on the same teams (which is sometimes possible), I actually don't want them to be because one will outshine the other, and it can cause issues. Plus, it is important, as they get older, that they have things of their own, which being on different teams, even in the same sport, allows them to do.

And the 4 year old - he won't be doing anything extracurricular for forever, basically. Too many balls to juggle. We pass on lots of things now - parties and such - because we are already so busy with extracurriculars (and the kids aren't even doing that many!). I want family time, and social stuff is the first to get knocked down the priority list when I have to choose.

Three is wonderful. I wouldn't change it. But it is a lot more than 2, and it is definitely getting harder, not easier, as they age. We both work full-time and have never had a nanny.

That's really terrible you place a priority on the two older ones and basically neglect the youngest.

[Anonymous]

We have a wonderful nanny who’s been with us for five years and we’re never letting her go! Honestly there is no other way for our kids to have the quality of life that they do without her. Having a nanny for the youngest is great but the afterschool needs of the older kids (sports practices, piano lessons) seems even more important now. Aftercare is so limiting and exhausting for kindergarteners too. And the countless sick days and school holidays would have used all our PTO and vacation time plus (especially this year) if we didn’t have our nanny to cover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two WOHP with no local family to lean on is just dumb unless you are rich and can afford a lot of household help + money for extras and college savings.

Assuming your local family is there for you to use forever is dumb.

I second that people assuming they can use family members to help with their children isn’t a good idea. It’s rude and inconsiderate - just like the PP who keeps telling people they are dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two WOHP with no local family to lean on is just dumb unless you are rich and can afford a lot of household help + money for extras and college savings.

Assuming your local family is there for you to use forever is dumb.

There is so much truth in both of these statements.

[Anonymous]

We have three kids. Here are my answers.

When did you find it made sense to hire a nanny or au pair vs day care? We always felt daycare was the best option. We chose daycare near our home which meant it was near elementary school. I liked the preschool offered in daycare versus what an Au pair of nanny offered.


What items make sense to outsource vs. doing it yourself? Depends on what you can afford. Our first and favorite thing to outsource was house cleaning. And the only other thing we’ve outsourced has been lawncare. But we are not consistent outsourcers. We go in fits and spurts. Like now we only outsource every other week house cleaning and that’s not an income thing. We’re just not big into outsourcing.

Do you have the kids do the same activities and sports to make logistics easier? No. We just make it work. But I guess we outsource this. We sometimes pay for drivers and we carpool to make things work. Thing is that this is incredibly difficult to outsource but it doesn’t work otherwise.

What types of things do you typically do for vacation? We love outdoor things - national park camping and hiking. We also love theatre so we make trips to NYC. Also we have a beach house so we take a lot of trips to Delaware. We’ve also done cruises to the Caribbean. Only European trip was for a kid sports event.

[Anonymous]

We’ve had the same nanny since my oldest was two months old. The kids are 8, 5 and 2.5 now and we plan to keep her. Having a nanny has made it possible for my oldest kid to do afterschool sports and all kids to attend half-day preschool instead of daycare. As mentioned, the coverage for sick days and holidays has been great. Plus all the other stuff nanny handles like the kids laundry, organizing closets, getting birthday party gifts and wrapping them, and making lunches... has been such a huge help. She also taught all the kids to read (not the 2.5 yr old yet but the older kids).

[Anonymous]

We have three and live in NYC (used to live in DC!). Kids 8,6,3.

-We have a really good nanny. We pay above market.

-Weekly cleaning lady

-Nanny cooks for the kids and we also do plenty of takeout.

-We chose schools not based on what people say is the "best" one - lots of schools are great! We chose based on ease of coordinating dropoffs/pickups. One location.

-Only schools and activities within walking distance. We're not in the ages where the kids have a lot of activities yet, so DH and I are still the deciders there. Between all of them there are two activities at the moment. That's the most we've ever had and both are within a 7 min walk of our apartment.

-No formal activities on the weekends. Only hanging out, resting, playing inside or outside. We try not to go to too many birthday parties.

-Doctor/dentist appts: We do one visit for all the kids. So well visits and dentist appts are 3x year total. Everyone gets flu shots on the same day.

-Ease of logistics trumps everything.

Right now, it's working! Considering a move to the suburbs within the next few years to be closer to family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, don’t assume you can just have the 3-4 kids do the same sports to make it easier. First of all, kids aren’t like that - they have their own individual strengths and interests. Second, with various ages, it doesn’t help you much anyway - games and practices and tournaments will all be at different times anyway. At most you are helped by passing down cleats or equipment - aka it doesn’t help you much.

+1 So true! I had (misguided) visions about my oldest 2 on the same teams, (just a year apart). Nope. They are so different. Which is great - if a little harder transportationally.

+10000. I have 3, ages 4, 7 and 9, and the 7 and 9 year old are 18 months apart. Even if they could be on the same teams (which is sometimes possible), I actually don't want them to be because one will outshine the other, and it can cause issues. Plus, it is important, as they get older, that they have things of their own, which being on different teams, even in the same sport, allows them to do.

And the 4 year old - he won't be doing anything extracurricular for forever, basically. Too many balls to juggle. We pass on lots of things now - parties and such - because we are already so busy with extracurriculars (and the kids aren't even doing that many!). I want family time, and social stuff is the first to get knocked down the priority list when I have to choose.

Three is wonderful. I wouldn't change it. But it is a lot more than 2, and it is definitely getting harder, not easier, as they age. We both work full-time and have never had a nanny.

That's really terrible you place a priority on the two older ones and basically neglect the youngest.

DP, but this PP clarified that she didn't literally mean the four year old would never do activities, just that he wasn't doing them at age four (I misunderstood, too, but didn't have the same level of negative reaction you did). I think it's completely reasonable to make the trade-off of having a third kid but not starting extracurriculars until they're a little older. We did the same, minus swimming lessons which are a safety thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We currently have two and are planning for a third and maybe a fourth. Both parents earn roughly the same amount and contribute jointly to childcare and running the household. I am looking for tips and things to plan for upon arrival the third. When did you find it made sense to hire a nanny or au pair vs day care? What items make sense to outsource vs. doing it yourself? Do you have the kids do the same activities and sports to make logistics easier? What types of things do you typically do for vacation?

I know that this is an open ended question but we mostly know people with two kids and those with more than that have one SAHP. Before people pile on and say that this is too many kids, we are both very involved parents and I am not looking for feedback regarding the optimal number of children . Our jobs are both fairly flexible but we have no local family.

When did you find it made sense to hire a nanny or au pair vs day care -- when my 3rd was born. All of my DCs did a part time preschool when they were 3 and 4 and the nanny drove them to that. I wanted the nanny because I didn't have any local family and wanted a third person who knew my home, knew my kids, and knew their routine in the event there was ever an emergency. I treated her well and she stayed with us for 8 years.

What items make sense to outsource vs. doing it yourself -- for us, it's lawncare. I hated the idea of coming home to an overgrown lawn or feeling like that was another weekend chore to get done. It would also mean that one parent was dealing with the lawn while the other parent was wrangling the kids. We have always had someone cut our lawn once a week.

Do you have the kids do the same activities and sports to make logistics easier -- yes, they actually all do the same sport but it doesn't make it any easier. They aren't on the same teams and practices aren't at the same time. Activities are the WORST part of having 3 kids. This week we have a music lesson x 3, sports practice x 3, sports game x 3, after school activity x 2, special activity x 1, plus throw in some Halloween weekend activities. My oldest is in middle school so now I've added nighttime pick ups to the list after her friends get together. It's a lot and my kids don't even do much. Their music lessons aren't serious and their sport is a rec league, not travel.

What types of things do you typically do for vacation -- we travel to see family in Florida, the beach, camping, random resorts, cities, etc. We were getting ready to do larger trips overseas and then Covid hit. I have never had any hesitation to take them places, we just hadn't made the commitment for a bigger trip because there are always grandparents who need to be seen.

The ages before they are all in school are the easiest from a logistic standpoint. You won't feel like that while you're in it, but looking back life was much easier when I just came home in the evenings to a bunch of small kids and we could do whatever we wanted. Now they have homework and school projects and activities that need to be done. I found a more flexible job when my oldest two were in elementary school and it's been invaluable. I never felt like I needed that flexibility when they were younger.

[Anonymous]

Most of the people with 3 and 4 kids I k ow have a sahm. All the dual working families are 2 kids. If you plan on continuing to work with 3 or 4 just make sure you live near a support network! You will need it.