For those who have 3 or 4 children and two parents who work outside of the home

[Anonymous]

We currently have two and are planning for a third and maybe a fourth. Both parents earn roughly the same amount and contribute jointly to childcare and running the household. I am looking for tips and things to plan for upon arrival the third. When did you find it made sense to hire a nanny or au pair vs day care? What items make sense to outsource vs. doing it yourself? Do you have the kids do the same activities and sports to make logistics easier? What types of things do you typically do for vacation?

I know that this is an open ended question but we mostly know people with two kids and those with more than that have one SAHP. Before people pile on and say that this is too many kids, we are both very involved parents and I am not looking for feedback regarding the optimal number of children . Our jobs are both fairly flexible but we have no local family.

[Anonymous]

We never did nanny/au pair yet. But my third was born when the oldest went to K, so we never had three kids too young for school at once. My husband is a teacher and handles summers. So the economics of a nanny never worked out.

More than infant care, think about 3-4 middle schoolers, each with one practice and one game a week (all over the county). That’s when things get tricky even if you make each kid pick one activity per season. How will you handle it if Kid A has soccer at 6, Kid B has baseball at 6:30, and Kid C has soccer at 7, all in different places and Kid D is five and needs to be fed/asleep somehow?

[Anonymous]

Two WOHP with no local family to lean on is just dumb unless you are rich and can afford a lot of household help + money for extras and college savings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We never did nanny/au pair yet. But my third was born when the oldest went to K, so we never had three kids too young for school at once. My husband is a teacher and handles summers. So the economics of a nanny never worked out.

More than infant care, think about 3-4 middle schoolers, each with one practice and one game a week (all over the county). That’s when things get tricky even if you make each kid pick one activity per season. How will you handle it if Kid A has soccer at 6, Kid B has baseball at 6:30, and Kid C has soccer at 7, all in different places and Kid D is five and needs to be fed/asleep somehow?

+2 it’s so easy to outsource everything when kids are young but once all these extracurriculars/sports start up it’s a whole lot harder!

[Anonymous]

I have a cleaning person every other week right now. Pre coronavirus it was once a week.

I have 3 kids and lately I have been having my local parents help us get kids to activities. That said - you could do fewer activities than us - or really work out good carpools. We do carpool but could do more.

We happened to have always done daycare, not nanny - but like PP my youngest was born when my oldest was in K.

Basically my husband and I divide and conquer most evening, split up who makes dinners etc. and have help carpooling with friends and family as needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a cleaning person every other week right now. Pre coronavirus it was once a week.

I have 3 kids and lately I have been having my local parents help us get kids to activities. That said - you could do fewer activities than us - or really work out good carpools. We do carpool but could do more.

We happened to have always done daycare, not nanny - but like PP my youngest was born when my oldest was in K.

Basically my husband and I divide and conquer most evening, split up who makes dinners etc. and have help carpooling with friends and family as needed.

Oh - I like the beach - but we do lots of things for vacation. I am into national parks lately too.

[Anonymous]

I have three and my husband and I have pretty flexible gov jobs. You won’t listen but it’s really hard and although our third is a darling peach I wish I had stuck with two. With three, somebody is always sick, has a doc appointment, or therapy/tutoring, or an activity, or a birthday party, or preschool is off, or daycare is off,or MCPS is off. I can’t remember my last full week of work. I feel like I’m drowning. We will probably get an au pair next year but baby will still go to daycare and older ones in elementary school. Feel like I’m drowning today.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 - baby was born when other two were 3 and 4.5 years old. Right when COVID hit - it was super rough but we muddled through. DH has a super high stress/long hour job and I have a regular 9-5 job and work out of the house 2 days a week. I would say the biggest thing is to be super organized. I do one load of laundry a day, run the dishwasher every night, clean up everything before I go to bed. I make a lot of food on the weekends and then on the 3 days I am home I make dinners and we have left overs on the two days a week I am in the office.

I have already bought all of the Christmas presents and sent out lists to all of my family who have asked. I keep a very detailed calendar for all the kids activities and doctor appointments. Good luck! My kids are now 1.5 years old, 5 and 6.5 years old. Its insane but we are making it work! All kids are in daycare too.

[Anonymous]

We have three: currently 10, 8, and 5.5. DH and I both work FT, albeit with flexible positions. My family is local but largely not helpful, for various reasons. My mom does what she can, but it’s not like we have free childcare or grandparents on standby, the way some do. We did daycare for all three because we found a daycare with our first that we LOVED and so it was worth every penny. A nanny would have been cheaper, probably, but we still would have had to pay for preschool and had an employee, which neither DH nor I wanted to deal with. As it was, when our kids were there, we didn’t worry, ever, about their care. That was priceless.

I book swimming for them at the same time. All three did/will do summer swim team together. DD (the oldest) does Girl Scouts and Girls on the Run, which are feasible, in part because I coach the latter. We’ll let the younger two, both boys, pick another activity and cap it there. All three are in elementary and go to aftercare together.

For vacations, we go to the same beach each summer; it’s become tradition and we all look forward to it. We’ll probably plan a second, “bigger” vacation once/year: Europe, Disney, whatever.

We could have had a fourth kid, but that likely would have meant more stress and/or me cutting back professionally more than I wanted to. I feel very lucky that we have what we do: three amazing kids; rewarding, meaningful, flexible careers; and good neighbors and friends (we vacationed with neighbors, for example). It’s pretty great.

[Anonymous]

We have four and it is hard. We have a babysitter that we pay generously and rely on. She does school pickup for the older two, and a Saturday shift driving to activities. As well as overnights when a kid has a travel event.

What makes it work is the younger two are same sex twins and do the same activities so far. If that were not the case it would be a lot harder. Hopefully by the time that happens, the older two will be able to get themselves to activities on their own somewhat.

[Anonymous]

Whatever you do, don’t assume you can just have the 3-4 kids do the same sports to make it easier. First of all, kids aren’t like that - they have their own individual strengths and interests. Second, with various ages, it doesn’t help you much anyway - games and practices and tournaments will all be at different times anyway. At most you are helped by passing down cleats or equipment - aka it doesn’t help you much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, don’t assume you can just have the 3-4 kids do the same sports to make it easier. First of all, kids aren’t like that - they have their own individual strengths and interests. Second, with various ages, it doesn’t help you much anyway - games and practices and tournaments will all be at different times anyway. At most you are helped by passing down cleats or equipment - aka it doesn’t help you much.

When they are very little you can, if they are close in age. And then you may get lucky and have them with the same organization, but their schedules will be different. Our three all do DC Youth Orchestra but it requires DH or I to basically cool our heels outside the building for 6 hours of Saturday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, don’t assume you can just have the 3-4 kids do the same sports to make it easier. First of all, kids aren’t like that - they have their own individual strengths and interests. Second, with various ages, it doesn’t help you much anyway - games and practices and tournaments will all be at different times anyway. At most you are helped by passing down cleats or equipment - aka it doesn’t help you much.

When they are very little you can, if they are close in age. And then you may get lucky and have them with the same organization, but their schedules will be different. Our three all do DC Youth Orchestra but it requires DH or I to basically cool our heels outside the building for 6 hours of Saturday.

It definitely depends on the specific activity and age spread.

Carpooling can be a huge help and makes more logistical sense than trying to outsource driving. This isn’t an area where you can afford to be shy. Reach out to your teammates’ parents or neighbors and try to set up a driving rotation.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 (8, 6, and 2.5) and a live in nanny. We have no family (different countries) and no other help. Both DH and I work from home now, but the plan is to go back in person soon. Older are in elementary and youngest in preschool. Our live in nanny helps around the house too now that youngest is in PT preschool. Older two are same gender and for now are in the same 3 activities (tennis (twice a week), swimming and gymnastics), same days, but slightly different times.

Even with our FT nanny it’s hard… everyday one kid is upset about something, or sick, or there is a birthday party, school event, school social, etc. (this might be because kids are in private school abs there something going one EVERYDAY… crazy). 3 kids have different needs and wants… it’s hard.

I feel we are always running at 100% and if one kid gets sick, there is no “room” and something else needs to “suffer” (and that’s usually the house or work).

But weekends are mostly great because we don’t work and I love my kids and their relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, don’t assume you can just have the 3-4 kids do the same sports to make it easier. First of all, kids aren’t like that - they have their own individual strengths and interests. Second, with various ages, it doesn’t help you much anyway - games and practices and tournaments will all be at different times anyway. At most you are helped by passing down cleats or equipment - aka it doesn’t help you much.

+1 So true! I had (misguided) visions about my oldest 2 on the same teams, (just a year apart). Nope. They are so different. Which is great - if a little harder transportationally.