Yours, Mine, and Ours finances-- how does it work in your house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We may be oddities here but we don't really have major discussions about finances. We have 100% separate finances - banking, credit cards, savings, etc. and never thought to merge. It's just easier this way. I have my privacy in spending and DH has his.

I (wife) pay nanny/childcare costs, sports fees, music, academics, and most kids activities. I save for the kids 529s and pay vacations. We never discussed why but it naturally evolved because I do the scheduling.

DH pays for mortgage (though house is in both names), auto insurance, and cable/internet. Family insurance taken from DH's pay check.

We'll pay for groceries as each one goes.

Our expenses ended up being relatively equal as far as monthly is concerned, though because I'm the greater earner I put more into savings accounts. Neither one of us is a huge spender.

This has never been an issue and we've never fought about money.

+1 I literally could have written this

I'm glad that other people are like this. My brother and SIL itemize each bill in their household and I feel really badly for them. They're constantly fighting about money and expenses. They make nearly identical salaries, have identical loans, and are both physicians so I don't know why the stress.

As long as you can come to the understanding that your end goal is the same, you should consider it the same pot. DH and I have both decided that we're much happier when we don't have someone breathing down our necks re: expenses. We don't like to spend much, though, so guess we don't have much to fight over.

How do you deal with retirement savings?

DH saves max amount through his employer. He has an additional Vanguard account where he puts additional money at his discretion. I may ask him about it every now and then but I don't check on it much. I am self employed so save through my SEP and other Vanguard accounts. I try to save about 50% of my income at this point so I just transfer money as it becomes available.

[Anonymous]

We primarily share but have separate personal spending accounts. This is how we work it:
We both max our own retirement vehicles pre-tax and then have all our paychecks direct deposited in one shared account out of which all bills are paid--this is used for groceries and kid/household spending too. We also have shared cc (two cards, same bill) for this. We also withdraw out of the beginning of this each month funds for shared saving projects, emergency fund build-up as needed, college savings, vacation savings etc. in either savings or investment accounts.

At the end of the month, whatever is left we split in half and dump into our personal checking accounts for whatever we want. This is where we get our personal grooming, clothes shopping, gifts (this helps keeps gifts private and makes them feel more real as we're spending 'our own' money on them) eating out (which we can treat each other as we like which is kind of nice because 'my treat' actually means something), hobbies. We each have our own cc that is billed to this account. Neither of us ever carry a cc balance, even on our own funds. I think this is good to avoid money arguments too because I can "top-off" a shared project in a way I like (e.g.an extra splurge only I want on a shared remodeling project might come from my savings rather than joint) and DH can enjoy what I think are ridiculous expensive hobbies without my judgment impacting his decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We may be oddities here but we don't really have major discussions about finances. We have 100% separate finances - banking, credit cards, savings, etc. and never thought to merge. It's just easier this way. I have my privacy in spending and DH has his.

I (wife) pay nanny/childcare costs, sports fees, music, academics, and most kids activities. I save for the kids 529s and pay vacations. We never discussed why but it naturally evolved because I do the scheduling.

DH pays for mortgage (though house is in both names), auto insurance, and cable/internet. Family insurance taken from DH's pay check.

We'll pay for groceries as each one goes.

Our expenses ended up being relatively equal as far as monthly is concerned, though because I'm the greater earner I put more into savings accounts. Neither one of us is a huge spender.

This has never been an issue and we've never fought about money.

+1 I literally could have written this

I'm glad that other people are like this. My brother and SIL itemize each bill in their household and I feel really badly for them. They're constantly fighting about money and expenses. They make nearly identical salaries, have identical loans, and are both physicians so I don't know why the stress.

As long as you can come to the understanding that your end goal is the same, you should consider it the same pot. DH and I have both decided that we're much happier when we don't have someone breathing down our necks re: expenses. We don't like to spend much, though, so guess we don't have much to fight over.

How do you deal with retirement savings?

DH saves max amount through his employer. He has an additional Vanguard account where he puts additional money at his discretion. I may ask him about it every now and then but I don't check on it much. I am self employed so save through my SEP and other Vanguard accounts. I try to save about 50% of my income at this point so I just transfer money as it becomes available.

I mean, once you are married there is no "separate" retirement. Spouses would be entitled to each other's retirement assets in most cases of divorce. This is one reason I don't understand the separate pots of money approach. You can't really ignore what the other spouse is doing if they have bad money habits--if someone is not saving for retirement, it impacts you, as well.

We have most everything joint. Both paychecks go into a joint checking account. We each have a separate checking account where keep a small amount of money for ourselves--like $200/month each.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We may be oddities here but we don't really have major discussions about finances. We have 100% separate finances - banking, credit cards, savings, etc. and never thought to merge. It's just easier this way. I have my privacy in spending and DH has his.

I (wife) pay nanny/childcare costs, sports fees, music, academics, and most kids activities. I save for the kids 529s and pay vacations. We never discussed why but it naturally evolved because I do the scheduling.

DH pays for mortgage (though house is in both names), auto insurance, and cable/internet. Family insurance taken from DH's pay check.

We'll pay for groceries as each one goes.

Our expenses ended up being relatively equal as far as monthly is concerned, though because I'm the greater earner I put more into savings accounts. Neither one of us is a huge spender.

This has never been an issue and we've never fought about money.

+1 I literally could have written this

I'm glad that other people are like this. My brother and SIL itemize each bill in their household and I feel really badly for them. They're constantly fighting about money and expenses. They make nearly identical salaries, have identical loans, and are both physicians so I don't know why the stress.

As long as you can come to the understanding that your end goal is the same, you should consider it the same pot. DH and I have both decided that we're much happier when we don't have someone breathing down our necks re: expenses. We don't like to spend much, though, so guess we don't have much to fight over.

How do you deal with retirement savings?

DH saves max amount through his employer. He has an additional Vanguard account where he puts additional money at his discretion. I may ask him about it every now and then but I don't check on it much. I am self employed so save through my SEP and other Vanguard accounts. I try to save about 50% of my income at this point so I just transfer money as it becomes available.

I mean, once you are married there is no "separate" retirement. Spouses would be entitled to each other's retirement assets in most cases of divorce. This is one reason I don't understand the separate pots of money approach. You can't really ignore what the other spouse is doing if they have bad money habits--if someone is not saving for retirement, it impacts you, as well.

We have most everything joint. Both paychecks go into a joint checking account. We each have a separate checking account where keep a small amount of money for ourselves--like $200/month each.

Obviously. Clearly we understand that, and I've stated that in other posts. It's the same pot in the end. Furthermore, we're each named as beneficiaries on the accounts. But for purposes of our monthly budgets, we have separate accounts and save separately into those accounts. Do we each share in these pots in the end? Yes but for now we manage and control them separately.

The separate pot of money approach is so we don't have to constantly check in with one another. We're adults who neither need nor appreciate nagging or oversight on our expenses each month. Yes, it is OUR money in the end but for day-to-day spending it's nice to do our own thing. I'd hate to have joint account where each line item was scrutinized. Plus why bother creating joint accounts when we got into this marriage with our own jobs and bank accounts to begin with? Such a hassle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We primarily share but have separate personal spending accounts. This is how we work it:
We both max our own retirement vehicles pre-tax and then have all our paychecks direct deposited in one shared account out of which all bills are paid--this is used for groceries and kid/household spending too. We also have shared cc (two cards, same bill) for this. We also withdraw out of the beginning of this each month funds for shared saving projects, emergency fund build-up as needed, college savings, vacation savings etc. in either savings or investment accounts.

At the end of the month, whatever is left we split in half and dump into our personal checking accounts for whatever we want. This is where we get our personal grooming, clothes shopping, gifts (this helps keeps gifts private and makes them feel more real as we're spending 'our own' money on them) eating out (which we can treat each other as we like which is kind of nice because 'my treat' actually means something), hobbies. We each have our own cc that is billed to this account. Neither of us ever carry a cc balance, even on our own funds. I think this is good to avoid money arguments too because I can "top-off" a shared project in a way I like (e.g.an extra splurge only I want on a shared remodeling project might come from my savings rather than joint) and DH can enjoy what I think are ridiculous expensive hobbies without my judgment impacting his decision.

I like this, it's pretty straightforward. Pooled income-- run through filter of joint expenses and savings goals-- remainder divided for individual accounts to spend/save as wanted. I guess the trick is to be clear on what those joint expenses/savings goals are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We may be oddities here but we don't really have major discussions about finances. We have 100% separate finances - banking, credit cards, savings, etc. and never thought to merge. It's just easier this way. I have my privacy in spending and DH has his.

I (wife) pay nanny/childcare costs, sports fees, music, academics, and most kids activities. I save for the kids 529s and pay vacations. We never discussed why but it naturally evolved because I do the scheduling.

DH pays for mortgage (though house is in both names), auto insurance, and cable/internet. Family insurance taken from DH's pay check.

We'll pay for groceries as each one goes.

Our expenses ended up being relatively equal as far as monthly is concerned, though because I'm the greater earner I put more into savings accounts. Neither one of us is a huge spender.

This has never been an issue and we've never fought about money.

+1 I literally could have written this

I'm glad that other people are like this. My brother and SIL itemize each bill in their household and I feel really badly for them. They're constantly fighting about money and expenses. They make nearly identical salaries, have identical loans, and are both physicians so I don't know why the stress.

As long as you can come to the understanding that your end goal is the same, you should consider it the same pot. DH and I have both decided that we're much happier when we don't have someone breathing down our necks re: expenses. We don't like to spend much, though, so guess we don't have much to fight over.

How do you deal with retirement savings?

DH saves max amount through his employer. He has an additional Vanguard account where he puts additional money at his discretion. I may ask him about it every now and then but I don't check on it much. I am self employed so save through my SEP and other Vanguard accounts. I try to save about 50% of my income at this point so I just transfer money as it becomes available.

I mean, once you are married there is no "separate" retirement. Spouses would be entitled to each other's retirement assets in most cases of divorce. This is one reason I don't understand the separate pots of money approach. You can't really ignore what the other spouse is doing if they have bad money habits--if someone is not saving for retirement, it impacts you, as well.

We have most everything joint. Both paychecks go into a joint checking account. We each have a separate checking account where keep a small amount of money for ourselves--like $200/month each.

Obviously. Clearly we understand that, and I've stated that in other posts. It's the same pot in the end. Furthermore, we're each named as beneficiaries on the accounts. But for purposes of our monthly budgets, we have separate accounts and save separately into those accounts. Do we each share in these pots in the end? Yes but for now we manage and control them separately.

The separate pot of money approach is so we don't have to constantly check in with one another. We're adults who neither need nor appreciate nagging or oversight on our expenses each month. Yes, it is OUR money in the end but for day-to-day spending it's nice to do our own thing. I'd hate to have joint account where each line item was scrutinized. Plus why bother creating joint accounts when we got into this marriage with our own jobs and bank accounts to begin with? Such a hassle.

DP here. It's obviously working for you. I wouldn't like this system, for two reasons: (i) In my opinion, anything that ends in a unified result ("one pot in the end") should have a unified strategy to get there, both with respect to contributions and investment strategy, and you don't appear to have that; and (ii) your approach seems to prioritize monthly expenses first and savings second, and I prefer to reverse that.

I am guessing you make a very high income and/or have a substantial safety net, which makes you more comfortable being a little less rigid about retirement and savings issues.

[Anonymous]

Caveat that we both make over $300k although my husband outearns me significantly in cash comp, I pay for medical insurance premiums. I mention this because we each make enough to not feel the need to score keep. We each have own accounts and a joint checking plus credit card - automatic deposits by each of us for an equal amount we budgeted a long time ago.. Household expenses run mostly through credit card but I’ll pick up groceries/housekeeping on my personal account because that’s how I set it up and am too lazy to switch. I buy most of the kids clothes on my account because I like buying cute stuff. When we get bonuses, we each put in what we feel comfortable with / what meets our savings goals into the joint account (funding 529, paying for new car etc, taxes). Don’t keep track at this point of who has contributed more.

We each like the freedom of having our own money but if joint expenses arise each is willing to put in more money without creating a spreadsheet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not interested to hear from those who "share everything" and wouldn't consider this.

Looking to hear from those who have a good system of joint and separate, especially if there is a difference in income or spending habits between spouses. Thanks!

We have gone through various iterations of this as we’ve been married longer. At first everything was totally separate and we split joint expenses. Then we put a prorata share of our incomes into an joint account for mortgage etc. For the last five years, we pool all our income but pay ourselves each an “allowance” into our separate accounts. This is not intended to cover any big expenses but rather the small discretionary things that we have found as a couple both irritate each other. We are very lucky that we agree 100% on big stuff (retirement, school, etc), but I tend to spend more on small things and the constant trickle (lattes, pedicures, etc) annoyed DH. So we have our allowance money and how that is spent is up to each of us. We keep a joint credit card and separate credit card. Our retirement savings are each maxed from our salary, all other saving is joint. It’s worked really well but I think probably even we will evolve to “eh, f@@k it” and put it all together, because 15 years in you learn to let go of the little things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We primarily share but have separate personal spending accounts. This is how we work it:
We both max our own retirement vehicles pre-tax and then have all our paychecks direct deposited in one shared account out of which all bills are paid--this is used for groceries and kid/household spending too. We also have shared cc (two cards, same bill) for this. We also withdraw out of the beginning of this each month funds for shared saving projects, emergency fund build-up as needed, college savings, vacation savings etc. in either savings or investment accounts.

At the end of the month, whatever is left we split in half and dump into our personal checking accounts for whatever we want. This is where we get our personal grooming, clothes shopping, gifts (this helps keeps gifts private and makes them feel more real as we're spending 'our own' money on them) eating out (which we can treat each other as we like which is kind of nice because 'my treat' actually means something), hobbies. We each have our own cc that is billed to this account. Neither of us ever carry a cc balance, even on our own funds. I think this is good to avoid money arguments too because I can "top-off" a shared project in a way I like (e.g.an extra splurge only I want on a shared remodeling project might come from my savings rather than joint) and DH can enjoy what I think are ridiculous expensive hobbies without my judgment impacting his decision.

I like this, it's pretty straightforward. Pooled income-- run through filter of joint expenses and savings goals-- remainder divided for individual accounts to spend/save as wanted. I guess the trick is to be clear on what those joint expenses/savings goals are.

Yeah, you're right that is where it gets a bit tricky. But I don't think there's any way around that in a marriage. Basically though a lot of these joint things are automated--we had a discussion at one time that we're going to contribute x to 529 plans, y to vacation fund, keep an e-fund at z, keep home and car maintenance funds at a etc.. so it's not like we have to talk about it that much.

[Anonymous]

We have always had everything separate. Early on in our relationship and marriage DH made 3x my salary. Back then I paid for groceries, some utilities, and my own personal spending. DH paid for everything else and saved. Over the years as our salaries increased, I took on day care, car payment, 529s. Now our kids are ES and we no longer have day care, so our discretionary spending comes out of my account, while DH handles fixed expenses, savings, and investments.

We don't spend much time or energy on money management, and we don't fight about it. DH hates shopping around for things and gets stuck in a cycle of over analysis so he's happy to defer to me on discretionary things. I love planning, budgeting, and shopping for items and services in this category. We're both comfortable with where our finances are. If he wanted to combine I'd go with the flow, but it's always been a non-issue so there's no incentive to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have the his/hers/ours system. Each have separate accounts and a joint account as well as separate credit cards and a joint credit card. Most of the expenses are joint (food, mortgage, daycare, etc.) and separate expenses include our own clothes, trips with our friends and other personal items such as electronics. Everything for the kids is joint.

We each contribute to the joint account pro rata by income and replenish the joint account as needed. Our separate money is generally ours to spend as we wish although obviously we would discuss if it was something that would impact the household (i.e. neither of us would go out and buy three cars that would take up the whole driveway).

I really love this system and it works great for us.

Do you agree to max out your retirement accounts, and contribute to additional taxable savings?

We both max out retirement savings and maintain emergency funds and some additional savings. Right now with daycare there isn't a ton of extra savings available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We may be oddities here but we don't really have major discussions about finances. We have 100% separate finances - banking, credit cards, savings, etc. and never thought to merge. It's just easier this way. I have my privacy in spending and DH has his.

I (wife) pay nanny/childcare costs, sports fees, music, academics, and most kids activities. I save for the kids 529s and pay vacations. We never discussed why but it naturally evolved because I do the scheduling.

DH pays for mortgage (though house is in both names), auto insurance, and cable/internet. Family insurance taken from DH's pay check.

We'll pay for groceries as each one goes.

Our expenses ended up being relatively equal as far as monthly is concerned, though because I'm the greater earner I put more into savings accounts. Neither one of us is a huge spender.

This has never been an issue and we've never fought about money.

+1 I literally could have written this

I'm glad that other people are like this. My brother and SIL itemize each bill in their household and I feel really badly for them. They're constantly fighting about money and expenses. They make nearly identical salaries, have identical loans, and are both physicians so I don't know why the stress.

As long as you can come to the understanding that your end goal is the same, you should consider it the same pot. DH and I have both decided that we're much happier when we don't have someone breathing down our necks re: expenses. We don't like to spend much, though, so guess we don't have much to fight over.

How do you deal with retirement savings?

DH saves max amount through his employer. He has an additional Vanguard account where he puts additional money at his discretion. I may ask him about it every now and then but I don't check on it much. I am self employed so save through my SEP and other Vanguard accounts. I try to save about 50% of my income at this point so I just transfer money as it becomes available.

I mean, once you are married there is no "separate" retirement. Spouses would be entitled to each other's retirement assets in most cases of divorce. This is one reason I don't understand the separate pots of money approach. You can't really ignore what the other spouse is doing if they have bad money habits--if someone is not saving for retirement, it impacts you, as well.

We have most everything joint. Both paychecks go into a joint checking account. We each have a separate checking account where keep a small amount of money for ourselves--like $200/month each.

Obviously. Clearly we understand that, and I've stated that in other posts. It's the same pot in the end. Furthermore, we're each named as beneficiaries on the accounts. But for purposes of our monthly budgets, we have separate accounts and save separately into those accounts. Do we each share in these pots in the end? Yes but for now we manage and control them separately.

The separate pot of money approach is so we don't have to constantly check in with one another. We're adults who neither need nor appreciate nagging or oversight on our expenses each month. Yes, it is OUR money in the end but for day-to-day spending it's nice to do our own thing. I'd hate to have joint account where each line item was scrutinized. Plus why bother creating joint accounts when we got into this marriage with our own jobs and bank accounts to begin with? Such a hassle.

DP here. It's obviously working for you. I wouldn't like this system, for two reasons: (i) In my opinion, anything that ends in a unified result ("one pot in the end") should have a unified strategy to get there, both with respect to contributions and investment strategy, and you don't appear to have that; and (ii) your approach seems to prioritize monthly expenses first and savings second, and I prefer to reverse that.

I am guessing you make a very high income and/or have a substantial safety net, which makes you more comfortable being a little less rigid about retirement and savings issues.

I don't know where the priority on monthly expenses over savings came across. The original post asked about how we divided monthly expenses hence the focus. We don't spend much so we save a great deal. In a previous post, I stated that over 50% of my income went into savings. That seems like a pretty big prioritization to me. I have not deviated from the budget that I made for myself about 8 years ago when I made 1/2 my salary. As such, all additional salary is saved. Just because we are not breathing down each other's necks doesn't mean we are less rigid. We both save aggressively so we do not need to combine or really worry too much about it.

And no, we do not make a very high income, though on DCUM that is all relative.

[Anonymous]

I make 60k and my spouse makes 100k. We get paid into our own accounts and then also have a joint account we use for mortgage, bills, Costco trips etc. we both put money in that account once a month. Spouse puts more in that I do because they make more. We have one kid, now 9. Spouse pays for all childcare expenses and now private starting this year. I pay our cleaning person twice a month, whatever I spend at Target. We split DD’s extracurricular stuff but not equally I don’t think. Spouse pays for swim but like I just signed up DD for band on my credit card…… It works for us, we don’t argue about money. I’m general if we do something as a family spouse pays for it, but I’m im out with DD or do stuff with my friends I pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We may be oddities here but we don't really have major discussions about finances. We have 100% separate finances - banking, credit cards, savings, etc. and never thought to merge. It's just easier this way. I have my privacy in spending and DH has his.

I (wife) pay nanny/childcare costs, sports fees, music, academics, and most kids activities. I save for the kids 529s and pay vacations. We never discussed why but it naturally evolved because I do the scheduling.

DH pays for mortgage (though house is in both names), auto insurance, and cable/internet. Family insurance taken from DH's pay check.

We'll pay for groceries as each one goes.

Our expenses ended up being relatively equal as far as monthly is concerned, though because I'm the greater earner I put more into savings accounts. Neither one of us is a huge spender.

This has never been an issue and we've never fought about money.

+1 I literally could have written this

I'm glad that other people are like this. My brother and SIL itemize each bill in their household and I feel really badly for them. They're constantly fighting about money and expenses. They make nearly identical salaries, have identical loans, and are both physicians so I don't know why the stress.

As long as you can come to the understanding that your end goal is the same, you should consider it the same pot. DH and I have both decided that we're much happier when we don't have someone breathing down our necks re: expenses. We don't like to spend much, though, so guess we don't have much to fight over.

How do you deal with retirement savings?

DH saves max amount through his employer. He has an additional Vanguard account where he puts additional money at his discretion. I may ask him about it every now and then but I don't check on it much. I am self employed so save through my SEP and other Vanguard accounts. I try to save about 50% of my income at this point so I just transfer money as it becomes available.

I mean, once you are married there is no "separate" retirement. Spouses would be entitled to each other's retirement assets in most cases of divorce. This is one reason I don't understand the separate pots of money approach. You can't really ignore what the other spouse is doing if they have bad money habits--if someone is not saving for retirement, it impacts you, as well.

We have most everything joint. Both paychecks go into a joint checking account. We each have a separate checking account where keep a small amount of money for ourselves--like $200/month each.

Obviously. Clearly we understand that, and I've stated that in other posts. It's the same pot in the end. Furthermore, we're each named as beneficiaries on the accounts. But for purposes of our monthly budgets, we have separate accounts and save separately into those accounts. Do we each share in these pots in the end? Yes but for now we manage and control them separately.

The separate pot of money approach is so we don't have to constantly check in with one another. We're adults who neither need nor appreciate nagging or oversight on our expenses each month. Yes, it is OUR money in the end but for day-to-day spending it's nice to do our own thing. I'd hate to have joint account where each line item was scrutinized. Plus why bother creating joint accounts when we got into this marriage with our own jobs and bank accounts to begin with? Such a hassle.

DP here. It's obviously working for you. I wouldn't like this system, for two reasons: (i) In my opinion, anything that ends in a unified result ("one pot in the end") should have a unified strategy to get there, both with respect to contributions and investment strategy, and you don't appear to have that; and (ii) your approach seems to prioritize monthly expenses first and savings second, and I prefer to reverse that.

I am guessing you make a very high income and/or have a substantial safety net, which makes you more comfortable being a little less rigid about retirement and savings issues.

I don't know where the priority on monthly expenses over savings came across. The original post asked about how we divided monthly expenses hence the focus. We don't spend much so we save a great deal. In a previous post, I stated that over 50% of my income went into savings. That seems like a pretty big prioritization to me. I have not deviated from the budget that I made for myself about 8 years ago when I made 1/2 my salary. As such, all additional salary is saved. Just because we are not breathing down each other's necks doesn't mean we are less rigid. We both save aggressively so we do not need to combine or really worry too much about it.

And no, we do not make a very high income, though on DCUM that is all relative.

It came from your previous posts, where you state "DH and I have both decided that we're much happier when we don't have someone breathing down our necks re: expenses" and "I'd hate to have joint account where each line item was scrutinized." Also, you sad that your DH saves outside his retirement account "at his discretion" (in other words, if he doesn't need the money for monthly expenses), and you transfer money "when it's available" (in other words, if you don't need it for monthly expenses). And you said you "try" to save 50%, not that you do save more than 50%, which suggested that sometimes, you don't save what you intend because of monthly expenses. We prefer to save what we need to, and them use the rest for monthly expenses. You modify your savings levels if you need to; we control our expenses. That's definitionally you prioritizing monthly expenses over savings.

[Anonymous]

We each have a personal account, then we also have a joint account. The joint account is for bills, mortgage, insurance premiums, etc. We both contribute an equal amount to the joint account and everything is set on autopay so it's out of sight out of mind.

For retirement we also have a joint post-tax account that we contribute to equally, then we each have our own retirement accounts through work. The plan is to have our retirement be just like our working life in terms of finances. The joint retirement account will pay for our living expenses and our individual retirement accounts are ours to use however we want.