Reply to For those of you coasting along in a "meh" marriage, why not just end it?

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Reply to "For those of you coasting along in a "meh" marriage, why not just end it?"

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[quote=Anonymous]
Thank you 21:33. OP here. It's definitely food for thought. The hard part is just feeling overwhelmed at even that two year investment. Boy, that's a long time to push through disappointment and still make every effort. It may, however, be preferable to the 50 years of sighs I'm now looking at.

Wasn't it Bette Davis who said old age isn't for sissies? Excusing the outdated terminology, she may as well have been talking about marriage. This is the biggest work of my life---and I have children, a demanding job, and elderly parents! But each of those elements of my life grow with the effort I dedicate to it. Job tasks are completed. Children learn, change, thrive. I listen and learn from my children and we work better together over time. It's hard and great, great work. Even my parents (a tough, ferociously independent couple) are as gracious as they know how to be about the life adjustments they're forced to make with their seriously declining health. DH sabotages the joy-making. He cuts himself out of the broader family life. He ignores.

After an evening of night terrors and sleeplessness, I confided in DH that I was afraid for myself, that I had these scary vivid dreams that were too horrible to say out loud and that my pattern of not sleeping had gotten to the point where I was afraid for my health. Lots of pressure, deadline at work, etc. He didn't respond. The next words out of his mouth: "Oh, here's the charger." From his point of view, none of what I'd just said had anything to do with him. We talked it out and he understands what my expectations were in that situation. But, I also learned (again!) not to look to him for emotional soothing or support.

I have nearly all of the responsibilities of a single mom---except transport to and from daycare and occasional child care from him. He is loathe to contribute financially. When I pointed out to him that never in our son's life had he ever bought him diapers and that it was his turn, I was tapped out for the moment having just filled the kitchen with food, he really lost it! He literally threatened to leave us because I'd suggested that he didn't contribute. Uh, he doesn't really. In addition to diapers, I'm the one who buys the kids' food and clothing. Every baby blanket, every pair of shoes. I pay for the babysitter, the event tickets. The house is mine. He contributes a small amount to the mortgage, but, for example, has refused to help winterize the house to help keep down the PEPCO bill. Old house, $300 bill this month. Come on, man.

TO BE CLEAR: The money piece doesn't bother me in the least. Think of all of the DCUM SAHMs who benefit from their DH's paycheck. I am very comfortable being the provider here. This is NOT an issue for me. It's all of the other myriad ways he could be contributing that he does not: the emotional support, the kindness, the willing spirit, the fix-it guy, the charming man I used to know.

I am not a domineering woman. I work hard, love strongly, and value the people in my life. I like pancakes and laughing deep belly laughs and working out at the gym. I nurture my children, I affirm my husband, I support my parents. Again, aside from DH all I've got to complain about is my hair.

He has a different vision of what marriage means, perhaps. I've exhausted myself with sports metaphors and discussion of how Kobe Bryant's on court communication style contributes to the success of the team.

Sorry for the long post. I have to go get the kids ready for school now.

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