How to keep the other woman away from my child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP may be a troll. No one, no matter how scorned and angry, would damage their own child this way. Even Princess Diana let Camilla see the kids.

You must lead a very sheltered life, or be blessed to be around people who always act rationally. Sadly many people do behave this way, and use their kids as pawns.

Like I said earlier, the OP is nothing but drama. There are two sides to this story and we are seeing only one of them.

[Anonymous]

Not wanting my child around the woman that destroyed her home doesn't mean I'm all drama. not wanting to be replaced in my family like I was replaced by my husband does not make me all drama.

[Anonymous]

You’re a controlling asshole. I hope you’re alone forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not wanting my child around the woman that destroyed her home doesn't mean I'm all drama. not wanting to be replaced in my family like I was replaced by my husband does not make me all drama.

OK, I’m gonna break it down.

Number 1. This isn’t about you.
Number 2. This isn’t about you.
Number 3. This isn’t about you.

I hear how hurt and angry you are, but you are choosing to bring conflict into your child’s life to accommodate your own hurt feelings. And for what it’s worth, this woman didn’t destroy her your child’s home – your ex-husband did.

Please, please find a counselor to talk to. Your daughter having a positive relationship with her stepmother doesn’t mean you’ve been replaced. That is an incredibly toxic attitude and it’s not going to serve you or your daughter well. Please love your daughter enough to get some help for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re a controlling asshole. I hope you’re alone forever.

This was completely unnecessary

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Saying that kids dont need to know about adult relationships is a ridiculous and dated excuse intended to protect the person who blew up the marriage. If you value marriage and don't want your children to believe that it is normal and acceptable for a married couple to just divorce for no apparent reason, the worst thing you can do is keep your kid in the dark about why their entire world as they know it (kids are very self centered) is being torn apart. They need to know that you would only do this for a few very, very good reason because marriage is not something that you just do for a little while until you find someone better to okay with.

Unless of course you don't care what message you are sending your kids about marriage. These things DO impact them. There are entire books and studies dedicated to it. One good one is titled something aline the lines of The Truth about Kids and Divorce.

The key here is to tell them an age appropriate reason for the divorce in a way that doesn't sabotage their relationship with the other parent. And that is very challenging in emotiinalky charged situations... but it IS possible.

No, kids do not need to know details. They are kids. They need to know they are loved and sometimes marriages do not work out or were not meant to be in the first place. Burdening kids with details is just wrong...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will do anything to protect my two boys from knowing their father is a cheater because 80% of boys who have fathers that cheat do it themselves. I don’t want to destroy their identity. My husband is a good father even if he was shitty to me by cheating.

It is very painful and prevented me from confiding in many people I would normally turn to because I think it would get back to my boys unintentionally.

As much as I hate him for what he did, I bite my tongue hard about what he did. I will take it to the grave so they have a chance of breaking the multigenerational infidelity that has plagued his side of the family.

Your situation, OP, might be different because you mentioned he had multiple girlfriends. I would strongly advise that your daughter gets lots of therapy to deal with both the divorce and dad’s infidelity so she doesn’t grow up with daddy issues and do the things we despise about the women with these issues, e.g., screwing married, unavailable men.

100% agree

You are a great mom.

You are not a great mom to keep your kids from their Dad for who they are dating. 80% of boys don't cheat. That is non-sense.

Wtf are you talking about? I’m not keeping my boys from their father.

And I said 80% of boys WHO HAD FATHERS that cheated will cheat. Not 80% of all boys.

Since 25% of men have affairs which cause divorce those are the boys we are talking about.

Google it.

44%
https://www.businessinsider.com/children-with-unfaithful-parents-more-likely-to-cheat-2017-10

55%
https://www.thedailybeast.com/how-infidelity-affects-kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How COULD you tell your child about the affairs??

Get some help before YOU cause your child emotional trauma.

Because they are member of this family and deserve to know. If he didn't want our child to know he should have kept it in his pants

This is more damaging to children than a person cheating on a spouse. Don't take your pain out on our kid. Kid should not be involved in adult matters.

Keeping a teen in the dark is a DUMB idea.

I just described in detail how ex had spent his time and money on others. I didn't mention sex. That horse camp you didn't get to go to because we couldn't "afford" it? Well here is a picture of tramp and dad at a resort at the same time (dummy side piece posted it on social media, and it eventually got back to me.)

DD got the message, and made her choice. She goes over there, and reams them -- in front of their friends. It's so great! I love that she knows her own mind.

Tramp is mortified that her own mother now knows.

You sound like mom. It worked- to a point. I hated my dad for years.

It got tiresome after awhile and I just wanted to have normal parents. When she chewed me out and refused to come to my college graduation because I (gasp!) invited my dad, I started distancing myself from her. I spent less and less time because it was so awkward listening to her tirades against my dad.

Once I had kids of my own I realized how messed up her behavior was, and now in my mid-30s I don’t speak to her. She’s still just as angry 25 years later and I got tired of being expected to carry out her grudge.

So tread carefully.

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty sure there are several cheaters and other women on this thread.

Expecting others to be complicit in your adultery and lies is dysfunctional and abusive. Thee are a million ways to leave a marriage. Probably the most cowardly is through an affair. It takes an insane amount of energy and time away from the marriage AND family to sustain, grow, and fuel. It takes concerted effort to lie and cover up all of the stolen time and energy that should be going to the family and spouse. Instead of using big boy and girl words to express their issues with their spouses, or to begin divorce proceedings, cheaters gaslight their spouses and insist everything is fine while they dismantle the foundations of the marriage.

Then they expect people to protect the children by lying about it?

Hell no. If knowing about cheating would be devastating to the kids, maybe dont cheat. Just like you don't do drugs, or rob banks.

Kids ALWAYS find out the reason. Tell them in an age appropriate way. Get them therapy if needed. But the harm doesn't occur when the kids discover the affair... it occurs the moment the cheater decides to have an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty sure there are several cheaters and other women on this thread.

Expecting others to be complicit in your adultery and lies is dysfunctional and abusive. Thee are a million ways to leave a marriage. Probably the most cowardly is through an affair. It takes an insane amount of energy and time away from the marriage AND family to sustain, grow, and fuel. It takes concerted effort to lie and cover up all of the stolen time and energy that should be going to the family and spouse. Instead of using big boy and girl words to express their issues with their spouses, or to begin divorce proceedings, cheaters gaslight their spouses and insist everything is fine while they dismantle the foundations of the marriage.

Then they expect people to protect the children by lying about it?

Hell no. If knowing about cheating would be devastating to the kids, maybe dont cheat. Just like you don't do drugs, or rob banks.

Kids ALWAYS find out the reason. Tell them in an age appropriate way. Get them therapy if needed. But the harm doesn't occur when the kids discover the affair... it occurs the moment the cheater decides to have an affair.

Omg. Yes. +1

[Anonymous]

There’s lying about it, and then there’s using your child as a tool of revenge. I don’t expect anyone to lie, but OP clearly wants her child to be as angry as she is towards her father and her father’s AP. That is not her child’s burden to carry. It is an adult problem, and the child should be able to have a relationship with both her father and, if it becomes serious, her stepmom without worrying about protecting her mother’s feelings.

Venting your anger and hurt to your child, and then saying “well it’s the cheater’s fault for making me do this” is seriously messed up. Adult relationship issues are for adults to deal with. You may see it that he blew up your family, but actually he only blew up his marriage. It seems like he is still trying to parent, and you need to support that.

I commented two or three times on this thread. And no, I’m neither a cheater nor an other woman. I’m actually a married lesbian who’s been with the same woman for 22 years, so… this is definitely not my problem. I think it gives me a little bit of perspective on how inappropriate OP is being.

Trying to get in the way of her child’s relationship with her father and possible stepmother is only going to backfire on OP. Plus, it’s just wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s lying about it, and then there’s using your child as a tool of revenge. I don’t expect anyone to lie, but OP clearly wants her child to be as angry as she is towards her father and her father’s AP. That is not her child’s burden to carry. It is an adult problem, and the child should be able to have a relationship with both her father and, if it becomes serious, her stepmom without worrying about protecting her mother’s feelings.

Venting your anger and hurt to your child, and then saying “well it’s the cheater’s fault for making me do this” is seriously messed up. Adult relationship issues are for adults to deal with. You may see it that he blew up your family, but actually he only blew up his marriage. It seems like he is still trying to parent, and you need to support that.

I commented two or three times on this thread. And no, I’m neither a cheater nor an other woman. I’m actually a married lesbian who’s been with the same woman for 22 years, so… this is definitely not my problem. I think it gives me a little bit of perspective on how inappropriate OP is being.

Trying to get in the way of her child’s relationship with her father and possible stepmother is only going to backfire on OP. Plus, it’s just wrong.

I agree. I am also a PP. I am recently divorced. No cheating on either side. But even if their had been I would never ever tell my kids that ever. It could damage them way more than just a divorce. People who feel the need to go into details about what happened in a marriage are selfish people. They act like they are doing it for their kids when in fact they are hurting them. Divorced people can behave like adults and put their kids first no matter what happened in a marriage. People who make adult’s bedroom business especially as kid business are selfish and awful people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Find a therapist to talk to so you can get peace about it. You cannot control whether or not the other woman is in your life or in your child’s life, because your child is still also your ex’s child.

I’m sure this is very painful and I’m sorry, but you have to learn to live with it. The more you are at peace with it, the better it will be for your child.

I hear you, but how do I make peace with someone who blew up our whole world for another woman?

In some ways you don’t. You really need to take stock and think about how to deal with this situation. You could send several lawyers kids through college and have nothing to show for it. Or you can be clever and think about how to move forward and have a brilliant life and ‘win’.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s lying about it, and then there’s using your child as a tool of revenge. I don’t expect anyone to lie, but OP clearly wants her child to be as angry as she is towards her father and her father’s AP. That is not her child’s burden to carry. It is an adult problem, and the child should be able to have a relationship with both her father and, if it becomes serious, her stepmom without worrying about protecting her mother’s feelings.

Venting your anger and hurt to your child, and then saying “well it’s the cheater’s fault for making me do this” is seriously messed up. Adult relationship issues are for adults to deal with. You may see it that he blew up your family, but actually he only blew up his marriage. It seems like he is still trying to parent, and you need to support that.

I commented two or three times on this thread. And no, I’m neither a cheater nor an other woman. I’m actually a married lesbian who’s been with the same woman for 22 years, so… this is definitely not my problem. I think it gives me a little bit of perspective on how inappropriate OP is being.

Trying to get in the way of her child’s relationship with her father and possible stepmother is only going to backfire on OP. Plus, it’s just wrong.

I agree with you on everything, but the family bit, he did blow up his daughter's family, or what she knew as her family. That makes an impact, I'm the daughter in this situation. I still love my dad and we have a relationship, but my family as it was ended when he cheated and left to be with another woman. Oh and for the record, OP my mom never once tried to turn me against him, she was more accommodating than I think even I could be, but I'm very grateful that she held it together despite her pain, and justified anger.

[Anonymous]

Your kid is 13, s/he doesn't even have to visit your DH if they don't want to.