For women who didn't change their names, but gave their children their husband's last name...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get this either. It doesn’t apply to me bc I changed my name to my husband’s and my kids have his surname too simply because I really didn’t like my maiden name and don’t really like my father or his family so didn’t want to be associated w the name anymore. But I don’t understand why even women who don’t want to take their husbands name often still default to giving the kids their husbands name.

It's actually a pretty simple concept! Some women like their names. That doesn't mean they don't like their husband's name! It's possible to simultaneously like your name and also like giving your child a different last name.

Why do you assume it was a default decision? My husband was open to giving the kids my name, but we made the decision for practical purposes because his is easier to spell.

Uh what? I didn't assume any "default." The entire point is that it's possible to like your name and also like your spouse's name! Do what y'all like.

The PP was quoting the post you were responding to, where the person specifically mentions a default.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Im not saying you’re not a feminist bc your kids have your husbands name. That’s absurd. Im a feminist and my kids have my husbands name too. I’m saying it’s strange that more people (including me!) don’t question this particular tradition and are so defensive of their choice to give kids dad’s name.

I posted early on about this. A significant reason that my kids have DH's last name is that it's easier for women to travel with kids who have different last names than it is for men. Yes, there's a whole bunch of sexist stereotypes behind that, but that's a big reason. Another is that my (super conservative and traditional) father really would not have liked my kids having our family name. He's barely okay with my keeping it.

So, yeah, the reasons behind the reason for my giving my kids DH's last name are "the patriarchy", but the actual reason was avoiding hassles and conflicts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a bizarre question. I was born and given a name I liked, and one I became known by. I saw no reason to change it. My kids were given a name shortly after birth that included my husband’s last name, which is more melodious than mine. If they like it, they can keep it, or they can change it. Why is this very personal thing of interest to anyone else?

Don't pretend it is a bizarre question.

Not pretending. I find it completely bizarre that anyone would care what someone else chose to do with their name or the names of their children (unless the parents in question name their kid something gossip-worthy, like Inspektor Pilot). Why do you care? Are you the name police?

NP stop pretending it’s not interesting. Other cultures put names on names together. Other cultures favor the mothers family name or ascribe more importance to the maternal line. It’s incredibly interesting or maybe you have no intellectual curiosity? Agree I don’t care what other people do (in terms of controlling them) but the topic is fascinating, in part bc there’s no clear answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Help me understand why most women who choose not to change their names when they get married still choose to give their children their husband's last name? It just seems like if you choose to give up an old tradition of taking your husband's last name, why would you choose your husband's last name for your children? I'm not criticizing. Really. I'm just trying to understand...

I especially find this interesting when the women are SAHM’s, of which I know several.

Sahms can be the privileged daughter of a guy with an important social status - in fact they’re the type to stay home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get this either. It doesn’t apply to me bc I changed my name to my husband’s and my kids have his surname too simply because I really didn’t like my maiden name and don’t really like my father or his family so didn’t want to be associated w the name anymore. But I don’t understand why even women who don’t want to take their husbands name often still default to giving the kids their husbands name.

Me too. Wonder how much love (or lack thereof) of your family plays into it for most people. My guess is it correlates strongly.

[Anonymous]

So people know they are his kids, that's why the women give them the husband's name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get this either. It doesn’t apply to me bc I changed my name to my husband’s and my kids have his surname too simply because I really didn’t like my maiden name and don’t really like my father or his family so didn’t want to be associated w the name anymore. But I don’t understand why even women who don’t want to take their husbands name often still default to giving the kids their husbands name.

Me too. Wonder how much love (or lack thereof) of your family plays into it for most people. My guess is it correlates strongly.

I'm sorry, what? Are you saying that women who choose to change their name don't love their families?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get this either. It doesn’t apply to me bc I changed my name to my husband’s and my kids have his surname too simply because I really didn’t like my maiden name and don’t really like my father or his family so didn’t want to be associated w the name anymore. But I don’t understand why even women who don’t want to take their husbands name often still default to giving the kids their husbands name.

Me too. Wonder how much love (or lack thereof) of your family plays into it for most people. My guess is it correlates strongly.

I'm sorry, what? Are you saying that women who choose to change their name don't love their families?

DP but I think the point is that there’s more impetus to change your name if you’re not close w your family of origin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a bizarre question. I was born and given a name I liked, and one I became known by. I saw no reason to change it. My kids were given a name shortly after birth that included my husband’s last name, which is more melodious than mine. If they like it, they can keep it, or they can change it. Why is this very personal thing of interest to anyone else?

Don't pretend it is a bizarre question.

Not pretending. I find it completely bizarre that anyone would care what someone else chose to do with their name or the names of their children (unless the parents in question name their kid something gossip-worthy, like Inspektor Pilot). Why do you care? Are you the name police?

NP stop pretending it’s not interesting. Other cultures put names on names together. Other cultures favor the mothers family name or ascribe more importance to the maternal line. It’s incredibly interesting or maybe you have no intellectual curiosity? Agree I don’t care what other people do (in terms of controlling them) but the topic is fascinating, in part bc there’s no clear answer.

I want to keep all three and add the fourth. I haven’t changed it because I can’t bear to lose my middle (Mother’s maiden) name and I think travelling (which we do really frequently) will be hard. Also my husband is a super controlling mysoginistic emotional abuser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not critical nor do I care what other people choose to do. But it is interesting that though I know lots of women who didn’t take their husband’s last name, I do not know a single child who has their mother’s maiden name as their surname.

For everyone saying some version of “I kept my name bc it was my identity but my children were blank slates” why does it follow that you would then give your children your husband’s name? Just because they’re a blank slate, they get their dad’s name instead of their mom’s because...?

Like I said, I really don’t care. But it does seem a little strange.

I think it’s because a lot of men/husbands feel strongly that kids get their name so women/wives just go along with that. Hopefully one day it won’t be like that anymore.

Yes, it’s because majority of men care about this. Either they’re conservative, traditional, controlling, sexist. But I’d bet it’s almost always the men who have a strong opinion on this and their wives don’t want to rock the boat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Help me understand why most women who choose not to change their names when they get married still choose to give their children their husband's last name? It just seems like if you choose to give up an old tradition of taking your husband's last name, why would you choose your husband's last name for your children? I'm not criticizing. Really. I'm just trying to understand...

I have never understood refusing to take your husband’s last name as you s have a man’s name as your surname.

My surname is my name in the same way that my first name is my name. Once it was given to me when I was born, it became mine. It's the name I had for 30 years before I married dh. Why should I change it?

The protocol of naming infants is far more patriarchal than women changing their name as an adult. Defaulting to the man's last name for children is PARTICULARLY unfair if a couple with two different last names. and middle names don't count. No one knows or cares what people's middle names are.

On a side note, I think it's hysterical that a bunch of grown ass women are still holding on to their daddy's name like it was some kind of emblem of feminist power. Its so weird.

Prince was way more successful than ALL Y'ALL and he went by a SYMBOL for awhile. Get over yourself. Your career as a mid-level executive, or struggling academic, or non-profit/government G-whatever is not going to merit a chapter in a history book anytime soon, you don't have to be so self-important about your stupid name. Your identity is far deeper and more complex than your place in the alphabet. Please, stop making this a "thing" that is supposed to matter.

I'm not quite this...angry about it, but I agree with this. I changed my name and I was published and all of that too. I figured if people couldn't figure out that Jane Doe was now Jane Doe Beans doing the exact same kind of work then they were stupid. Stupidity was not enough of an incentive for me to cling to that name. Also as an American descendant of slaves, the name my parents chose for me held more value than the surname given to us or adopted from some slaveholder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a classic example of the DCUM thread category that I like to call "I'm incapable of understanding how/why other people view things differently than I do." There are always a multitude of, to me, obvious reasons why people do X thing differently, but also a lot of people who are apparently incapable of coming up with these obvious reasons on their own. Often, like in this thread, it comes across as a not-very-subtle way for the OP to proselytize about the way things ought to be or provide a platform to criticize the group they're supposedly trying to "understand." But, no, they're not criticizing or engaging in moral/political propaganda. They really, innocently, in good faith "don't understand." I don't know if it's one or a small group of posters who love to do this. I would hope there aren't really that many obtuse people ...

Best post in the thread right here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a classic example of the DCUM thread category that I like to call "I'm incapable of understanding how/why other people view things differently than I do." There are always a multitude of, to me, obvious reasons why people do X thing differently, but also a lot of people who are apparently incapable of coming up with these obvious reasons on their own. Often, like in this thread, it comes across as a not-very-subtle way for the OP to proselytize about the way things ought to be or provide a platform to criticize the group they're supposedly trying to "understand." But, no, they're not criticizing or engaging in moral/political propaganda. They really, innocently, in good faith "don't understand." I don't know if it's one or a small group of posters who love to do this. I would hope there aren't really that many obtuse people ...

Best post in the thread right here

I’m someone who did change my last name to my husbands. The choice was easy for me. I do think the professional reason is obvious. I never felt that strongly about my career like that, but I can see the viewpoint. But the whole all three people in the house have a different last name is not obvious. One poster did say this. I think online forums lead to people to ask a question like this you would never ask in person for fear of appearing judgy.

The three last names truly seems bizarre to me. And disconnected as a family. Within the home you have chosen to say hey none of us will be the same. Do you decide with each child a New last name too?

[Anonymous]

I didn’t change my name and was not comfortable with the common scenario of everyone in the family (kids + dad) have one name and I have mine. My kids have a hyphenated name (cue the critics) - we are 10 years in and never had an issue with school/medical forms, travel, confusion over who is the mom/dad, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our children have my name as their middle, my husbands as their last. So they have both names.

Same.