Excessively dependent mother still completely helpless months after dad's death

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a small thing, but I wonder if she would like an Alexa or Google home device, to ask about the weather, play music, watch videos, etc. I don’t have one myself so I’m not sure what all the functions are, but it would probably work for phone calls too if set up properly.

As a much younger widow, I'll just say that I love my Google Home for giving me someone to talk to, and to ask the silly questions I used to bother DH with. "What's the forecast?" "How many teaspoons in a tablespoon?" "Can you turn off the living room light?" "Turn on the TV!" Maybe she'd enjoy having someone to order around again.

This could be a good idea.....we'll explore it. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know where you live OP but here in DCUM land a good care giver is hard to find and more like $30-50/hr. Friend just went through this with very elderly parent.

Yeeks. Don't tell me that.

I've heard that the minimum is 4 hrs/day, 3x a week. So figuring the average $40 that's $160 a day, or almost $500 a week, or more than $2,000 a month (plus the $3600 for the apartment). Still, it's cheaper than assisted living. The problem will come in when my mother thrives over being tended to and starts "proving" to us that she needs full time, and then we are at $10,000 just for the aide, plus the apartment.

My hope would be that she is willing to make do with an aide 3x a week. I suppose time will tell.

[Anonymous]

What about a roommate? If she really need companionship and help with little stuff like trash and turning on the TV, maybe there would be another woman who could do that and would financially appreciate the economy of sharing an apartment? I would think there’d by plenty of elders who are really strapped financially but are still fully capable of doing little tasks that don’t involve the heavy lifting or healthcare skills of an actual aide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about a roommate? If she really need companionship and help with little stuff like trash and turning on the TV, maybe there would be another woman who could do that and would financially appreciate the economy of sharing an apartment? I would think there’d by plenty of elders who are really strapped financially but are still fully capable of doing little tasks that don’t involve the heavy lifting or healthcare skills of an actual aide.

I think the downside to that idea is that if Mom ever wanted a family member or needed an overnight health aid at some point, she would no longer have a room available for them.

Mom may want a person around to throw away her trash and press the "on" button on the t.v., but she needs the ability to have family and/or a health aid nearby as necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about a roommate? If she really need companionship and help with little stuff like trash and turning on the TV, maybe there would be another woman who could do that and would financially appreciate the economy of sharing an apartment? I would think there’d by plenty of elders who are really strapped financially but are still fully capable of doing little tasks that don’t involve the heavy lifting or healthcare skills of an actual aide.

We already mentioned that as a possibility, and she said no. She wants her own place.

[Anonymous]

I really think a personal aide who drives would do the trick for as many hours as your mom can reasonably afford. The person can tidy up, do laundry and accompany her to meals, appointments and shopping. I see elderly women with these aides all the time and they are companions as well as helpers. You may have to through a few to find one who clicks with your mom but it is worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really think a personal aide who drives would do the trick for as many hours as your mom can reasonably afford. The person can tidy up, do laundry and accompany her to meals, appointments and shopping. I see elderly women with these aides all the time and they are companions as well as helpers. You may have to through a few to find one who clicks with your mom but it is worth it.

Yes, thanks.....that's the compromise solution we plan to propose. Let's see how she reacts when we bring it up tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

OP here, and I realize this specific post is a bit of a vent, but I am ready to pull my hair out. My mother just called to say she wants a cat, and I asked her how she will empty the litter box if she's not able to throw the trash away, she said.....OMG.....that when I am over there on the weekends, I can do it. I told her that I am not going to drive from one state to another to empty a litter box, and she said "it's not such a big deal....you'll be here anyway."

I think at this point she is, even subconsciously, testing to see how much she can depend on us for her every need. But that just confirms she needs an aide. Scooping out the cat sh!t on M, W, F can be part of her job.

This is getting so impossible. I am now pouring myself a glass of wine....and trying to relax. The cat thing has put me over the top.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and I realize this specific post is a bit of a vent, but I am ready to pull my hair out. My mother just called to say she wants a cat, and I asked her how she will empty the litter box if she's not able to throw the trash away, she said.....OMG.....that when I am over there on the weekends, I can do it. I told her that I am not going to drive from one state to another to empty a litter box, and she said "it's not such a big deal....you'll be here anyway."

I think at this point she is, even subconsciously, testing to see how much she can depend on us for her every need. But that just confirms she needs an aide. Scooping out the cat sh!t on M, W, F can be part of her job.

This is getting so impossible. I am now pouring myself a glass of wine....and trying to relax. The cat thing has put me over the top.

Op, go to the meeting tomorrow. Figure out what supports you can put in place for your mom and then give yourself a couple of weeks away from there. Seriously.

She is not being neglected, she will be o.k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and I realize this specific post is a bit of a vent, but I am ready to pull my hair out. My mother just called to say she wants a cat, and I asked her how she will empty the litter box if she's not able to throw the trash away, she said.....OMG.....that when I am over there on the weekends, I can do it. I told her that I am not going to drive from one state to another to empty a litter box, and she said "it's not such a big deal....you'll be here anyway."

I think at this point she is, even subconsciously, testing to see how much she can depend on us for her every need. But that just confirms she needs an aide. Scooping out the cat sh!t on M, W, F can be part of her job.

This is getting so impossible. I am now pouring myself a glass of wine....and trying to relax. The cat thing has put me over the top.

Op, go to the meeting tomorrow. Figure out what supports you can put in place for your mom and then give yourself a couple of weeks away from there. Seriously.

She is not being neglected, she will be o.k.

Thanks for your support.

Yes, I think that after the meeting tomorrow, when we've come up with a plan of action, I'll feel better - and then, once we have the aide in place, both my sister and I can each take a break.

[Anonymous]

Just be prepared for things like: complaining about aide or aide complaining to you, aide quitting or mom firing aide. mom trying to get aide to side with her against you both, etc. I have learned to have low expectations for everything and any improvement, no matter how temporary is a win. If an aide lasts a few months-win. Mom stops complaining for a week or 2-win.

[Anonymous]

There are electronic, self-cleaning litter boxes these days. You could hire someone from a pet-sitting service to come by once a week to empty it. Just putting that out there!!

[Anonymous]

Please don’t get this elderly person a cat.

1. It limits the aides you can hire (some may be allergic, or just not do pet stuff.)
2. It’s more $$$ (vet bills, food, etc.) at a time when funds need to be focused on care of the human—your mother.
3. No one can predict the future, but it’s likely that you will then have to rehome this cat sooner rather than later, when you mother has to move to a full-fledged nursing home or passes away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just be prepared for things like: complaining about aide or aide complaining to you, aide quitting or mom firing aide. mom trying to get aide to side with her against you both, etc. I have learned to have low expectations for everything and any improvement, no matter how temporary is a win. If an aide lasts a few months-win. Mom stops complaining for a week or 2-win.

NP and good point. OP! get out ahead of this issue...somehow. Do you and or your sister have durable power of atty? Any hand in legal decisions? I guess what I'm thinking about is prepping for your mom to hire and fire aides in rapid succession. Will you and your sister be able to truly manage this? Thinking you should start with hiring through an agency only. No one-offs so common in these environments.I have personal experience with this with my elderly (late) father in hospice. Your mom is going to be the type who will be irritated by the most benign, perceived slights or minor quirks of each aide. I'm not sure anyone who is noet you and or your sister will be ideal. Sorry.

I also PP mentioned family liaison/social worker. Perhaps the social worker would recommmed or steer you in right direction with hiring help.

And, the cat request? Indeed, your mom is testing you. My own mom does the same (will throw random thoughts and expectations out there or worse, get "sick" and demand visits and calls and the score keeping begins) and you have to ignore and redirect.

[Anonymous]

Do not, under any circumstances, get her a cat. It will end up in a shelter. My MIL got a kitten last year and it is now living with us because she is no longer able to care for it. If we hadn’t been able to take it then it would e gone straight to a shelter.

Please don’t get an innocent animal involved in this situation. Just because your mom wants a cat doesn’t mean you have to indulge her. It sounds like you are considering an aide to change the litter three times a week; instead, just say no to the cat. She is incapable of getting one on her own and would depend upon you to do it. Just say no, you will not, ever.

This sounds like mental illness (dependent personality disorder) exacerbated by years of accommodation by your dad. She’s not likely to change, even with an OT. If she chooses to spend down her resources to pay for full-time help or go to AL, that’s her choice. You can make it clear that it will not come from your pocket.