Excessively dependent mother still completely helpless months after dad's death

[Anonymous]

I feel sorry for all the people involved.

[Anonymous]

No advice regarding these difficult decisions, OP, but wanted to say you sound like you are someone facing a very trying family situation with that rare combination of being caring/loving as well as clear-eyed/level-headed. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Obviously there is a to of resentment from OP and sister towards mom. I get that though if mom was never able to be involved really in parenting given her inability to do anything independently, that is going to leave scars.

I think you have to be careful though to not take that resentment out on her now that she is vulnerable and OP and sister have control over her life and her finances. Since mom can't make decisions, OP and sister are making them all for her but through a lens of being very frustrated and hurt by having had a helpless parent.

I think you need a neutral party here - maybe an adult social worker who can help advocate for what mom needs, what her limits and abilities are, what reasonable expectations are, what supports she needs and that person can stay in regular contact to see how she is doing.

There is no way Op and sister can be that person given their anger and resentment and disappointment in their mother as a person, a wife, a mother etc. it would be better for them to step back from the decision making and just visit and be her daughters and have someone else who doesn't have financial interest or childhood hurt / pain be her advocate.

[Anonymous]

She's very lucky to be there, and very stupid to not have considered this scenario all the years of her long life.

I would not move her. I would attempt to reassure her, be positive, comfort her, and teach her these things. And if she can't, well, her trash will accumulate, she won't watch TV, and none of those things will kill her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously there is a to of resentment from OP and sister towards mom. I get that though if mom was never able to be involved really in parenting given her inability to do anything independently, that is going to leave scars.

I think you have to be careful though to not take that resentment out on her now that she is vulnerable and OP and sister have control over her life and her finances. Since mom can't make decisions, OP and sister are making them all for her but through a lens of being very frustrated and hurt by having had a helpless parent.

I think you need a neutral party here - maybe an adult social worker who can help advocate for what mom needs, what her limits and abilities are, what reasonable expectations are, what supports she needs and that person can stay in regular contact to see how she is doing.

There is no way Op and sister can be that person given their anger and resentment and disappointment in their mother as a person, a wife, a mother etc. it would be better for them to step back from the decision making and just visit and be her daughters and have someone else who doesn't have financial interest or childhood hurt / pain be her advocate.

OMG. The woman has been there for TWO weeks and her dutiful daughters are in regular contact with Mom. Give the woman time to adjust to her new environment before you start berating the way Op and her sister are handling things. You sound just perfectly awful, tbh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously there is a to of resentment from OP and sister towards mom. I get that though if mom was never able to be involved really in parenting given her inability to do anything independently, that is going to leave scars.

I think you have to be careful though to not take that resentment out on her now that she is vulnerable and OP and sister have control over her life and her finances. Since mom can't make decisions, OP and sister are making them all for her but through a lens of being very frustrated and hurt by having had a helpless parent.

I think you need a neutral party here - maybe an adult social worker who can help advocate for what mom needs, what her limits and abilities are, what reasonable expectations are, what supports she needs and that person can stay in regular contact to see how she is doing.

There is no way Op and sister can be that person given their anger and resentment and disappointment in their mother as a person, a wife, a mother etc. it would be better for them to step back from the decision making and just visit and be her daughters and have someone else who doesn't have financial interest or childhood hurt / pain be her advocate.

No. They're making decisions through the lens of people who now are expected to either do all these things for her, or potentially pay significant sums for someone else to do them.

There's a difference between making sure your parent is cared for (which OP and her sister have done) and spending $144,000 per year because the able-bodied parent refuses to do the most basic life tasks. Not can't do - refuses to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
She's very lucky to be there, and very stupid to not have considered this scenario all the years of her long life.

I would not move her. I would attempt to reassure her, be positive, comfort her, and teach her these things. And if she can't, well, her trash will accumulate, she won't watch TV, and none of those things will kill her.

She will get used to be around her friends who do these things for themselves. Give it time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No advice regarding these difficult decisions, OP, but wanted to say you sound like you are someone facing a very trying family situation with that rare combination of being caring/loving as well as clear-eyed/level-headed. Hang in there.

This X 1000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously there is a to of resentment from OP and sister towards mom. I get that though if mom was never able to be involved really in parenting given her inability to do anything independently, that is going to leave scars.

I think you have to be careful though to not take that resentment out on her now that she is vulnerable and OP and sister have control over her life and her finances. Since mom can't make decisions, OP and sister are making them all for her but through a lens of being very frustrated and hurt by having had a helpless parent.

I think you need a neutral party here - maybe an adult social worker who can help advocate for what mom needs, what her limits and abilities are, what reasonable expectations are, what supports she needs and that person can stay in regular contact to see how she is doing.

There is no way Op and sister can be that person given their anger and resentment and disappointment in their mother as a person, a wife, a mother etc. it would be better for them to step back from the decision making and just visit and be her daughters and have someone else who doesn't have financial interest or childhood hurt / pain be her advocate.

OMG. The woman has been there for TWO weeks and her dutiful daughters are in regular contact with Mom. Give the woman time to adjust to her new environment before you start berating the way Op and her sister are handling things. You sound just perfectly awful, tbh.

Op says (top of page 2)
"My sister is very angry as well. We just paid $1300 to move my mother to the new apartment, and my sister took two additional days off from work to help set the place up. I arrived a few days later, after shopping for all her new needs, and completed the job, including hanging up pictures."

They are both angry with their mother. They are resentful of having "helped" her (not based on moms wants) and are upset they gave time and energy to their mother. They are very resentful. It isn't clear if they are paying for moms accommodations or if mom has her own money.

You give someone something they don't want and then get mad they don't immediately like it and act appreciative. That isn't the sign of someone who can be an advocate. These two women have decades of anger and resentment. It may be justifiable if mom has always just been a helpless passive figure - but it doesn't make them good advocates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think she isn’t showing signs of dementia?? She doesn’t know how to dial a phone and can’t figure out her shower and isn’t taking out her trash. She is 88. You guys are heartless. Why do you think your dad was worth the money but tour mom isn’t?

OP here, and do you really think we didn't have her tested years ago for her inability to figure out the remote control? We had her tested, and she was on the HIGH side of normal. Her most recent test was last month, before we moved her into the new apartment, and it was still high normal. We have been told that she has no indication of dementia. We even had a brain scan and THAT showed up as normal.

And it isn't that my dad was worth the money and my mom not. My dad TRULY was incapacitated. He was a prisoner in his own body, and it was heart-breaking. My mother is physically able, and it is ridiculous to put an able woman in an assisted living community because she says she can't work the TV remote.

Your mom probably spent most of her days holed up in her room at the assisted living place with your dad. She is now in a place that will allow her some social interaction with people going through the same life stage that she is. You might be surprised at how she will blossom when she starts to make some friends.

Hang in there, Op. This is an adjustment for her kids, too. Don't feel like you need to rush over there to "fix" things for you mom. You moved her there for good reasons and sometimes it just takes a little time for them to adjust.

Thanks. (I just responded to a couple of posters who called me clueless and unsympathetic. That isn't helpful.)

We have our plan in place now. My sister and I will discuss the matter with the staff tomorrow, and also tell them we are going to arrange to have an aide come in 3x a week for a few hours. Our hope is that the aide can encourage my mother to become more involved - they even have these great outings to dinner shows and stuff - and eventually she will be less needy.

Thanks again.

That sounds like a very good plan. You and your sister are doing a really good job with this, Op. The transition period is always so tough but once you get that "new normal" in place, life gets MUCH better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
She's very lucky to be there, and very stupid to not have considered this scenario all the years of her long life.

I would not move her. I would attempt to reassure her, be positive, comfort her, and teach her these things. And if she can't, well, her trash will accumulate, she won't watch TV, and none of those things will kill her.

The reason I say this is that I saw my mother and her sisters deal with this for their mother. My grandmother was served hand and foot her whole life (maids, chauffeur, cook, gardener, etc) and when my Grandfather died, and she eventually squandered all her money and had to downsize to a small apartment in her old age without help, she didn't know what anything was in the kitchen, and she was incredibly sad and offended that she could not continue her previous lavish lifestyle. My family pooled resources for someone to come in every day to cook meals, clean and help her wash and get dressed. My grandmother learned to use the remote and unfold her own newspaper!!! Everything else was done for her until she died, and we managed to afford it.

My point is that I am sure your own mother can adjust the tiny little bit that she needs, despite her protestations that she is just too much of a genteel lady to ever be able to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously there is a to of resentment from OP and sister towards mom. I get that though if mom was never able to be involved really in parenting given her inability to do anything independently, that is going to leave scars.

I think you have to be careful though to not take that resentment out on her now that she is vulnerable and OP and sister have control over her life and her finances. Since mom can't make decisions, OP and sister are making them all for her but through a lens of being very frustrated and hurt by having had a helpless parent.

I think you need a neutral party here - maybe an adult social worker who can help advocate for what mom needs, what her limits and abilities are, what reasonable expectations are, what supports she needs and that person can stay in regular contact to see how she is doing.

There is no way Op and sister can be that person given their anger and resentment and disappointment in their mother as a person, a wife, a mother etc. it would be better for them to step back from the decision making and just visit and be her daughters and have someone else who doesn't have financial interest or childhood hurt / pain be her advocate.

OMG. The woman has been there for TWO weeks and her dutiful daughters are in regular contact with Mom. Give the woman time to adjust to her new environment before you start berating the way Op and her sister are handling things. You sound just perfectly awful, tbh.

Op says (top of page 2)
"My sister is very angry as well. We just paid $1300 to move my mother to the new apartment, and my sister took two additional days off from work to help set the place up. I arrived a few days later, after shopping for all her new needs, and completed the job, including hanging up pictures."

They are both angry with their mother. They are resentful of having "helped" her (not based on moms wants) and are upset they gave time and energy to their mother. They are very resentful. It isn't clear if they are paying for moms accommodations or if mom has her own money.

You give someone something they don't want and then get mad they don't immediately like it and act appreciative. That isn't the sign of someone who can be an advocate. These two women have decades of anger and resentment. It may be justifiable if mom has always just been a helpless passive figure - but it doesn't make them good advocates.

What Op and her sister are going through right now is VERY frustrating. It is also VERY typical - especially in the first few weeks of placing an elderly parent in a new environment.

You do not seem to have much, if any, experience with this. All I can tell you is that your judgement is really harsh and uncalled for.

[Anonymous]

You sound extremely cruel.

[Anonymous]

She’s 88, for heaven’s sake!

If she has the money to pay for the assisted living place, let her spend it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s 88, for heaven’s sake!

If she has the money to pay for the assisted living place, let her spend it.

And if she runs out of money, what then?