Excessively dependent mother still completely helpless months after dad's death
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Anonymous
Gosh, you're right. I didn't even think of that. My mother did get the hospice social worker on her side by saying that her children weren't being attention enough to her. And the social worker is trained for that type and still criticized us for not doing enough. |
Anonymous
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She sound miserable and unhappy right now and the cat is her way of punishing you. She resents these new changes in her life (death of her husband, moving from assisted living) and she is taking her resentment out on safe, easy targets - you and your sister.
Don't get her a cat. That is the last thing that she or you needs right now. Can you imagine having to deal with fleas or worms on top of everything else? No way. No cat. |
Anonymous
That would work if Mom were otherwise independent, but we need someone to be there at least 3x a week. But I'll file that idea in my head in case I ever end up an old lady, alone, with a cat.....or two.....or three..... |
Anonymous
If you get your mom a cat, it will become your cat. All vet appts. will become your responsibility, regardless. |
Anonymous
Not to mention all scooping duties. My mom got two cats at a transitional point in her life like that (although she was not as infirm) and she gave them both up to the shelter "because it was just too much." I still hate her for it. One of the ways I saw her for the first time as a really defective person and not as a mom. |
Anonymous
All good reasons. My parents did have a cat in the past, after we "girls" we're out of the house and Dad was still working, but he was the one to feed it, scoop the litter, take it to the vet. This cat idea is not good. Hopefully, she will have forgotten about it when I see her today. |
Anonymous
You could be right about the punishment. Our last argument was because I wouldn't throw her trash in the trash can, so now she's telling me that she has even wose for me....to scoop out cat crap. She's probably not even serious about the cat. |
Anonymous
Yes, they know how to push your buttons, lol. They're old, not stupid. But you know the difference between reasonable vs unreasonable. Stick to your guns, Ops. |
Anonymous
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Don't get too frustrated, Op. It's only been two weeks. Your mom is in a new environment w/o your dad there to make things right for her. She'll acclimate but it will take some time. Be patient.
Work on doing the positive things that will ease this transition for your mom but ignore the crazy. Learn how to say no and mean it. |
Anonymous
| If your mother wants a cat, she can arrange that herself. You know she won't, from what you have said. |
Anonymous
| I would take a serious step back on the logistics planning for her. If you know she is safe and has options for food available (and it sounds like those are true), then I would stop arranging anything else for her. She waits an aide? “Interesting idea! I look forward to meeting whoever you hire!” Do not do these things for her. You’re enabling her codependency in a different, but still very real way. Who cares if the trash is on the counter a week later? If she starts getting bugs in her house then you may have to take her on a trip to the store to get cleaning supplies or something, but the more you do things for her, the more you teach her that she is right and can’t do things herself. Stop. Visit, chat, be loving, but do not turn on the tv or take care of things she can do herself. |
Anonymous
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OP here, and wow.....we had a very productive meeting! (And I feel so much better.....) Here's a rundown, both to close the loop on this and perhaps give some information to those of you who might go through something similar with your parents:
1) Returning to the assisted living facility is not an option. Each applicant goes through an assessment to see if it is necessary, and my mother would not qualify. (She qualified as the spouse of someone who needed it, but she alone is ineligible.) 2) The wellness director said that my mother was doing pretty well at the two-week mark, and that she has been going to activities and exercise class!! (What?? My mother never told me that, and when I tried to encourage her, she said she'd try. She never said she had been going.) I was so relieved to hear that. 3) As far as getting her a 3x a week aide, the director thought it was premature. She advised a full 6 months' adjustment period, and then we could reassess the need. But she did tell me that the staff is pro-active on that type of thing, and they do recommend aides for their residents - when they feel it necessary - even when the adult children or the resident themselves does not bring it up. 4) About the meals: I was very impressed with what she told me. She said that the dining room staff tracks all residents, and if any one does not show up for a meal AND does not order room service instead (IOW, they missed a meal completely), a staff member does a wellness check. She was aware that my mother was taking all meals in her apartment (and that I was ordering room service), and she said not to worry about it: She's eating enough, and that as my mother made friends, she would feel more comfortable eating in the dining room. 5) About her reluctance to adjust the shower temp: The director though Mom could adjust the temp but was afraid of taking a shower unattended - a common fear among elderly. (I didn't know that.) And apparently, they have "visiting aides" who help residents with their showers, if needed, for a modest fee. We now have my mother on a schedule for a twice weekly shower (which the director said was sufficient.) 6) About the cat: The director thought it could be beneficial, but not now. Again, revisit that decision in 6 months. 7) And finally, the director did say she would arrange for the visiting counselor (apparently, they have a visiting counselor too) to assess her mood and work with the doctor to see if an adjustment to meds are needed. 8) I didn't bring up the TV or the trash. Seems relatively unimportant. As long as my mom is getting her meals, participating in activities, gets her 2x a week shower, and of course has her pendant for emergencies, I guess that's quite good at this point. So that's where we stand. My sister and I spoke with my mom afterward, and told her that we discovered that going back to the AL facility is not an option, and that we think she should give herself more time to adjust. She reluctantly agreed. I also told her we got good feedback from the director that she is making a nice adjustment, given the sad circumstances. Anyway, thanks to everyone for your support, insights, and suggestions. It's been a very rough time, coming on the heels of watching my father's heart-wrenching decline toward death, and everyone is tired - Mom, my sister, and myself. Having you all "here" was very helpful. P.S. She seemed to have forgotten all about the cat. Hooray. |
Anonymous
Thanks....and yes, as I wrote just above, the director thought Mom was doing well at the two-week point. As for ignoring the crazy, that's something I will have to work on myself, and not get sucked in. |
Anonymous
| OP I am so glad to hear about your update and that it sounds like you are getting great info/insights from the independent living facility people so it's not all on you and your sister. |