Pregnant with non-boyfriend - he wants me to keep it

[Anonymous]

I’m seeing all kinds of red flags here. I am pro-choice but less so for myself since my kids were born - Likely because I can envision the actual child now. I would not abort their sibling. That said this is obviously different situation.

All of you going on and on about money solving everything are delusional. I have a lot of money that I inherited (and i work) but the bottom line is that raising three kids alone would be a massive amount of work. Having a nanny and or housekeeper would not make up for all the things a parent has to do. The big age difference would make it infinitely worse. And with a full-time job? Insane.

If you want to marry him and he wants to marry you that might make a difference. You describe all the travel etc. but with another parent around on weekends etc. that could turn the tide slightly.

It still doesn’t make sense if he is such a catch and wanted a kid that he’s gone this long without getting married. There are tons of men all over the city and country exactly like you describe work wise who got married long ago and have multiple kids. Why hasn’t he?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have hit the jackpot. Have him pay very good alimony and child support, hire a nanny and a housekeeper and keep on living your life. This kid will be taken care of.
Dad can also have custody! Dang I would be thrilled!

Alimony? She and the non-boyfriend are not married. Alimony is paid in a divorce. Your greedy drooling over this "jackpot" is dulling your mind.

So you have no thought at all for OP's own children and how this might affect them and their relationship with OP? Because that is the real consideration. All the cash and nannies and housekeepers in the world won't alter the fact that this baby or marriage or not marrying all will affect OP's kids' lives. And don't assume the change will be entirely for the better.

They can agree on whatever, call it what you will. A stipend which is spent on older kids among other things. Nanny for baby, housekeeper for all. I don’t know how well the older kids’ father is providing for them.

Read what you wrote there with your clever little wink. A stipend? You mean a cash payment for OP's kids to make it OK that their sense of security is messed up because, hey, the guy paid them to be OK with it?

You're pitiful and don't even see it. All the posters here reducing this situation to money and what money buys ("housekeeper for all," hooray) are reprehensible.

I'm not the pp. But I think it's reasonable for OP to say something like, "if you want me to keep this baby you need to provide enough financial support for me to be able to provide equal resources to all children in my household."

He got himself into this, if he wants her to keep it when she doesn't want to then he needs to address why she doesn't want to. Which means that just covering the costs of that kid doesn't work. He needs to cover the increased cost to her whole lifestyle and consider with her the impacts to her existing kids and work to mitigate those.

You know that's called blackmail. What if he calls her bluff and says no payment for you then what.

How is it blackmail? This could ruin her whole life or her kids life. He can go adopt or get a kid in some other way. But she takes a leap of faith here that really is not comparable. She needs to make sure that she and her existing kids will be ok if she does this. That is not blackmail it is being a responsible parent.

You are defining "be OK" above as "have money." You don't understand that money/nannies/housekeepers/tuition do not equate to her kids being "OK" with the emotional and mental effects of all this: Sudden half-sibling much younger than they are, possibly a new stepdad who can't get to know them anyway because he's gone so much, loss of feeling secure when this gets presented to them mere months before it all happens....

This thread's lack of anything but monetary concern for her existing kids is weird and wrong.

Also, to OP: Is there any chance that your ex might decide he isn't thrilled (with whatever--new baby, unmarried, or married, new husband who has barely met the kids) and that he might make custody issues for you over this? Before someone jumps in to say that OP's remarrying or not, or her having a baby while married or not, is not legally relevant to her custody arrangements with her ex: I know that. Legally that's so. But some exes can be nasty if there's a change they just don't like. And they can make life a pain even if they don't have a legal leg to stand on. If OP's ex might do that, it's something for which she needs to be prepared.

Money makes ops specific concerns, about the baby impacting her career, easier. Cold hard fact of life.

Being ok means, to me, not living a shadow life where their sibling is going to equestrian every Saturday but they can't afford sat prep. So considering the disparity between the kids financially is an important consideration.

I said earlier OP needs to sit down with the guy and have a serious wtf will this look like talk including emotional and financial aspects of the future.

But being able to pay for a nanny, a cleaner, a housekeeper etc. Absolutely makes being a single mom easier, not easy but easier

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have hit the jackpot. Have him pay very good alimony and child support, hire a nanny and a housekeeper and keep on living your life. This kid will be taken care of.
Dad can also have custody! Dang I would be thrilled!

Alimony? She and the non-boyfriend are not married. Alimony is paid in a divorce. Your greedy drooling over this "jackpot" is dulling your mind.

So you have no thought at all for OP's own children and how this might affect them and their relationship with OP? Because that is the real consideration. All the cash and nannies and housekeepers in the world won't alter the fact that this baby or marriage or not marrying all will affect OP's kids' lives. And don't assume the change will be entirely for the better.

They can agree on whatever, call it what you will. A stipend which is spent on older kids among other things. Nanny for baby, housekeeper for all. I don’t know how well the older kids’ father is providing for them.

Read what you wrote there with your clever little wink. A stipend? You mean a cash payment for OP's kids to make it OK that their sense of security is messed up because, hey, the guy paid them to be OK with it?

You're pitiful and don't even see it. All the posters here reducing this situation to money and what money buys ("housekeeper for all," hooray) are reprehensible.

I'm not the pp. But I think it's reasonable for OP to say something like, "if you want me to keep this baby you need to provide enough financial support for me to be able to provide equal resources to all children in my household."

He got himself into this, if he wants her to keep it when she doesn't want to then he needs to address why she doesn't want to. Which means that just covering the costs of that kid doesn't work. He needs to cover the increased cost to her whole lifestyle and consider with her the impacts to her existing kids and work to mitigate those.

You know that's called blackmail. What if he calls her bluff and says no payment for you then what.

How is it blackmail? This could ruin her whole life or her kids life. He can go adopt or get a kid in some other way. But she takes a leap of faith here that really is not comparable. She needs to make sure that she and her existing kids will be ok if she does this. That is not blackmail it is being a responsible parent.

call bluff--no payment == abortion
if he makes promises she accepts and has the kid, then sue for child support + legal fees

[Anonymous]

Well, abortion doesn’t solve all problems either. A friend of mine had an abortion and after that ended up with clinical depression and a lot of ‘what ifs’. An other one got very embarrassed when years later one of her older kids found out about the ‘missing sibling’. It is not an easy choice. Plus probably the OP will split up with the guy anyway after abortion since this is going to be a deal breaker for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, abortion doesn’t solve all problems either. A friend of mine had an abortion and after that ended up with clinical depression and a lot of ‘what ifs’. An other one got very embarrassed when years later one of her older kids found out about the ‘missing sibling’. It is not an easy choice. Plus probably the OP will split up with the guy anyway after abortion since this is going to be a deal breaker for him.

Anecdotes are not persuasive. There are many people who've felt relief after an abortion in a complicated situation.

[Anonymous]

OP, the fact that as adults, a year into 'dating' he is still not even your "boyfriend", he's never met you rchild, tells me that marriage is not in the cards, esp if he is 'married to work.' There was nothing drawing the two of you closer, it seems, until this happened. But this is an external event, do not overly romanticize it as some sort of fate that will suddenly transform your casual relationship into marriage. This is not saying that marriage couldn't work, but I see no evidence that it necessarily would.

I would only get married a second time because I really wanted to. Same thing with having a child.

So many people here on hung up on the fact that he's wealthy and wants the baby--no, actually, just doesn't want you to have an abortion (not the same as actually wanting the child). But at the end of the day, its really about whether you want to have, and most likely raise on your own, another child, without any guarantee that he will be involved. Only you can figure that out, but don;t let a man who can't commit to marriage or even working less force you into a having a child you're not ready to have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, abortion doesn’t solve all problems either. A friend of mine had an abortion and after that ended up with clinical depression and a lot of ‘what ifs’. An other one got very embarrassed when years later one of her older kids found out about the ‘missing sibling’. It is not an easy choice. Plus probably the OP will split up with the guy anyway after abortion since this is going to be a deal breaker for him.

Anecdotes are not persuasive. There are many people who've felt relief after an abortion in a complicated situation.

Depression after abortion is not that rare and can be a pretty serious complication
https://americanpregnancy.org/unplanned-pregnancy/abortion-emotional-effects/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In your shoes, my own, living, right-here-at-home now kids would be THE one and only key thing to consider here. This would rock their world twice over (new stepdad and new sibling) and would also possibly set up a huge divide in your home: Your kids with your ex, and "his" kid for whom the "has millions" dad could provide. There is no plan at all for his being a parent to your children and you have zero idea how he might treat them, or whether he is in any way equipped mentally or emotionally to be their stepfather. He has no children of his own, he hasn't even met your children (yet you have known each other as friends for years so... he's never even met them casually before you were sleeping together?). I would put my own existing children first and recognize that this is recipe for a divided household.

Also: He offered marriage only after he got you pregnant. I know that can work out; I've seen it work. But honestly I'd always wonder if he would have wanted to marry me without the "oops" pregnancy. Not a great basis for a solid life together.

The Catholic thing is just dumb. Does he actually attend church? Participate in a religious life? If his only "Catholicism" is that which emerged when he told you he doesn't like abortion, then he's not really religious; he just has qualms based on a knee-jerk response to the idea of abortion. Don't let the religious claim sway you at all here.

Your post indicates you are not thrilled and also not in some kind of gooey "We're having a baby and that will bring us closer together!" romantic phase about all this. Follow your instinct here. If you keep this baby I would consider doing it without marrying him until AFTER the baby is here and he has had a lot of time to get to know your own children well. And I'd get all the legal ducks in a row for child support and custody arrangements until you do marry him -- if you do. If you choose not to have this baby I would not lie and invent a miscarriage but would have the abortion and then tell him. He will likely break up over it so be ready for that.

I agree with this 100%.

I also agree with this. I think that your existing children are the most important consideration in this situation. That he has not even met them would be a huge deal for me.

FWIW, I have been in this situation, sort of. I got pregnant by accident (actual birth control failure, not "oops forgot condom") two years after getting divorced with a 4yo. My boyfriend and I were in an actual relationship and did want to marry and have children - AT SOME POINT. He'd only just met my daughter and we decided (TOGETHER) that it was not in her best interest to accelerate the process. It would have been harder in a number of ways to have the baby at that point and help DD adjust. We ended up choosing to abort. We stayed together and got married a year later, then had a baby a year after that. This allowed DD to adjust to the idea of me being in a new relationship, having a stepdad, and getting a baby sibling without forcing those things all to happen at the same time. I do feel that the unplanned pregnancy brought us together and solidified our desires and priorities. It just also made it really clear to both of us that it was too soon.

If this guy is a good guy, you should be able to have these conversations with him. He is allowed his reactions to the idea of abortion, but he needs to accept that your children's needs are at least as important as his kneejerk reaction against abortion. Even in a scenario where you continue the pregnancy and then give up custody, their lives will be affected. How old are they? How long have you been divorced? This is all relevant.

+1. The most important people in this scenario are your two children. Not an embryo. Not a casual friend with benefits who has never met your children and isn't in any meaningful way a part of your life. Not you. Your two children.

If you came here and said, "I've decided to marry a guy I have casual sex with, even though we have no real relationship and he's never met my children," this website would explode with negative responses. Everyone telling you to marry this guy is telling you to do exactly this. They are telling you to put the interests of an embryo over the interests of your beloved children. Could anything be more ass-backwards than that?

Have another baby if YOU want to, with a plan of support that makes sense for your children. That's not marriage to someone they don't even know. But recognize that if you have this baby, he can get shared custody if he wants it. He will be a part of your life and your baby's life (and by extension, all your childrens' lives) whether you want him there or not. Whether he's good for your family or not.

Don't have another baby if you don't want to. If you don't want to have a difficult discussion with him, have an abortion and tell him you had a miscarriage. This is not his decision to make.

Personally, I would not have this baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, abortion doesn’t solve all problems either. A friend of mine had an abortion and after that ended up with clinical depression and a lot of ‘what ifs’. An other one got very embarrassed when years later one of her older kids found out about the ‘missing sibling’. It is not an easy choice. Plus probably the OP will split up with the guy anyway after abortion since this is going to be a deal breaker for him.

Anecdotes are not persuasive. There are many people who've felt relief after an abortion in a complicated situation.

Depression after abortion is not that rare and can be a pretty serious complication
https://americanpregnancy.org/unplanned-pregnancy/abortion-emotional-effects/

Just because these words are written on a random website doesn't make them true. If you want to make a claim like this, please link to an actual study in a peer-reviewed journal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, abortion doesn’t solve all problems either. A friend of mine had an abortion and after that ended up with clinical depression and a lot of ‘what ifs’. An other one got very embarrassed when years later one of her older kids found out about the ‘missing sibling’. It is not an easy choice. Plus probably the OP will split up with the guy anyway after abortion since this is going to be a deal breaker for him.

I don't understand this. I know about my mom's multiple abortions and "missing siblings" isn't really something that comes to mind. What reason is there to be embarrassed? In fact, part of me is glad they happened because I know my parents only wanted two kids, and if any of her earlier abortions became full term pregnancies, I would likely not be here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, abortion doesn’t solve all problems either. A friend of mine had an abortion and after that ended up with clinical depression and a lot of ‘what ifs’. An other one got very embarrassed when years later one of her older kids found out about the ‘missing sibling’. It is not an easy choice. Plus probably the OP will split up with the guy anyway after abortion since this is going to be a deal breaker for him.

Anecdotes are not persuasive. There are many people who've felt relief after an abortion in a complicated situation.

Depression after abortion is not that rare and can be a pretty serious complication
https://americanpregnancy.org/unplanned-pregnancy/abortion-emotional-effects/

Just because these words are written on a random website doesn't make them true. If you want to make a claim like this, please link to an actual study in a peer-reviewed journal.

Here a very recent one on a very large sample of women but there are many more articles, just do a quick search with PubMed
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/30921593/?i=4&from=depression%20abortion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, abortion doesn’t solve all problems either. A friend of mine had an abortion and after that ended up with clinical depression and a lot of ‘what ifs’. An other one got very embarrassed when years later one of her older kids found out about the ‘missing sibling’. It is not an easy choice. Plus probably the OP will split up with the guy anyway after abortion since this is going to be a deal breaker for him.

I don't understand this. I know about my mom's multiple abortions and "missing siblings" isn't really something that comes to mind. What reason is there to be embarrassed? In fact, part of me is glad they happened because I know my parents only wanted two kids, and if any of her earlier abortions became full term pregnancies, I would likely not be here.

Glad you won the embryo lottery!!

[Anonymous]

Marry him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marry him.

Or not. I truly do not know. Sorry. But I would have the baby (FWIW I am not religious).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marry him.

Or not. I truly do not know. Sorry. But I would have the baby (FWIW I am not religious).

+1
I would have the baby too and maybe marry him later on if we are still together and in love.