DH cheated but won't unfriend/block the OW on social media

[Anonymous]

OP I have been on the other side of this. Long term affair with my HS boyfriend. Your husband is a liar. He is not being honest with you. People in deeply enmeshed affairs will do ANYTHING to protect the affair.

[Anonymous]

OP, I also have an ex who cheated repeatedly. Yours is gaslighting you. No contact is no contact -- no phone calls, no texts, no likes, no messages thru friends, no meetings, no nothing.

Your DH knows this and so do you.

Repeated infidelity is a very damaging form of emotional abuse because it involves lying, gaslighting, minimization and manipulation. Repeated infidelity can also cause complex post-traumatic stress disorder in the victim from betrayal trauma of the infidelity.

Please find a skilled PhD therapist who will help you understand the abuse and the effect that it has had on you -- such a deep effect that you are asking strangers to help you hairsplit whether "likes" are OK or not.

Also visit an attorney who can help you plan to leave and get the best custody and child support you can.

A much better life awaits you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update:

I found out that he’s back to liking her pics and posts on social media again. I thought things were going well for us and that the affair was behind us. Isn’t he violating the no contract rule? Should I confront him now or just play it cool and see what else I can find?

"Play it cool" and squirrel away money, retain a lawyer, protect as many assets as you can and start therapy. You deserve so much better, OP. Leave. But do it with a cool and level head and as much of his money as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update:

I found out that he’s back to liking her pics and posts on social media again. I thought things were going well for us and that the affair was behind us. Isn’t he violating the no contract rule? Should I confront him now or just play it cool and see what else I can find?

"Play it cool" and squirrel away money, retain a lawyer, protect as many assets as you can and start therapy. You deserve so much better, OP. Leave. But do it with a cool and level head and as much of his money as possible.

Yes yes yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I have been on the other side of this. Long term affair with my HS boyfriend. Your husband is a liar. He is not being honest with you. People in deeply enmeshed affairs will do ANYTHING to protect the affair.

I do believe he cut her off cold turkey for awhile but I think he just couldn’t help himself and had to start back up again. I’m blindsided because everything was going well with our marriage and I was doing everything I could to keep it together but the last few weeks have been different. He’s been distant so I decided to snoop. Ugh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I also have an ex who cheated repeatedly. Yours is gaslighting you. No contact is no contact -- no phone calls, no texts, no likes, no messages thru friends, no meetings, no nothing.

Your DH knows this and so do you.

Repeated infidelity is a very damaging form of emotional abuse because it involves lying, gaslighting, minimization and manipulation. Repeated infidelity can also cause complex post-traumatic stress disorder in the victim from betrayal trauma of the infidelity.

Please find a skilled PhD therapist who will help you understand the abuse and the effect that it has had on you -- such a deep effect that you are asking strangers to help you hairsplit whether "likes" are OK or not.

Also visit an attorney who can help you plan to leave and get the best custody and child support you can.

A much better life awaits you.

OP HERE. I didn’t even think of it being abusive. I guess that explains why I have anxiety and depression most days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I also have an ex who cheated repeatedly. Yours is gaslighting you. No contact is no contact -- no phone calls, no texts, no likes, no messages thru friends, no meetings, no nothing.

Your DH knows this and so do you.

Repeated infidelity is a very damaging form of emotional abuse because it involves lying, gaslighting, minimization and manipulation. Repeated infidelity can also cause complex post-traumatic stress disorder in the victim from betrayal trauma of the infidelity.

Please find a skilled PhD therapist who will help you understand the abuse and the effect that it has had on you -- such a deep effect that you are asking strangers to help you hairsplit whether "likes" are OK or not.

Also visit an attorney who can help you plan to leave and get the best custody and child support you can.

A much better life awaits you.

OP HERE. I didn’t even think of it being abusive. I guess that explains why I have anxiety and depression most days.

Absolutely everything PP said. I'm another woman whose ex-partner was a serial cheater and it is absolutely emotional abuse. It has taken me a LONG time to understand how manipulative and gaslighting his behavior was, including denying things that were literally in front of both of our eyes. When I questioned those things, I was told that I was just not a very trusting person, and how could I expect to be in a relationship if I wouldn't extend some trust? Except...I was right.

You deserve so much better than this, but he will continue to abuse you as long as you stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I have been on the other side of this. Long term affair with my HS boyfriend. Your husband is a liar. He is not being honest with you. People in deeply enmeshed affairs will do ANYTHING to protect the affair.

I do believe he cut her off cold turkey for awhile but I think he just couldn’t help himself and had to start back up again. I’m blindsided because everything was going well with our marriage and I was doing everything I could to keep it together but the last few weeks have been different. He’s been distant so I decided to snoop. Ugh

Hear me well....... his cheating is not something you have any impact on. It is a choice made solely by him. You think you are "doing everything I could to keep it together," but neither you nor your marriage is the cause of his cheating. The cause of his cheating is something deep within himself. Call it what you will -- character flaw, personality disorder, lack of emotional development, low self-esteem, inability to deal with conflict, whatever -- is causing him to engage in an affair (real or emotional, it doesn't matter) because he would rather create a fantasy world that looks nice to him and soothes him in some way.

Because you didn't cause it, you can't do anything to control it. I wish someone else had given me this advice while I was dealing with my ex's repeat infidelity -- stop putting your energy into figuring him out, stop putting your energy into making yourself, your life and your marriage into the thing he says he needs in order to stop cheating. Put that energy into yourself. Do not confront him; he will just gaslight you and tell you why you are wrong to feel that he is doing something wrong. Visit a lawyer, gather your documentation, get your career and your finances in order, tell your close friends/support network what you will need from them as you prepare to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He should be thankful you gave him another chance, and yes at least unfriend the OW.

Has he otherwise been transparent? Can you verify that they still have not been in contact with one another?

I checked the phone records and he's not contacted her by phone since. I also saw were she was very angry with him shortly after I found out. But there was nothing from him after that. I should also note that while he hasn't talked to her via phone, he HAS wished her "happy birthday" twice via social media but no other contact. BTW, the "Happy Birthday" message was quite a heartfelt message from him too.

Google voice and other VOIP makes it so contact won’t show up on bills. Been there, experienced that with a cheating partner. The lengths to which they will go to deceive can be breathtaking. He may also be using WhatsApp or some other app to chat, with the app hidden on his phone. Also discovered that.

[Anonymous]

You say you decided to forgive him but did he actually ask for forgiveness?

[Anonymous]

Do peoples' husbands really use social media?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say you decided to forgive him but did he actually ask for forgiveness?

He did but clearly he wasn’t serious

[Anonymous]

OP, he has zero respect for you. If you're ok with that, then stay. If not, then leave. But just know that he doesn't care about what you think or he wouldn't be doing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He should be thankful you gave him another chance, and yes at least unfriend the OW.

Has he otherwise been transparent? Can you verify that they still have not been in contact with one another?

I checked the phone records and he's not contacted her by phone since. I also saw were she was very angry with him shortly after I found out. But there was nothing from him after that. I should also note that while he hasn't talked to her via phone, he HAS wished her "happy birthday" twice via social media but no other contact. BTW, the "Happy Birthday" message was quite a heartfelt message from him too.

Deal breaker!

[Anonymous]

Maybe they have a kid together and he wants to maintain social media contact to be updated on the child