Wives, how often is perfect for you in terms of sex frequency?

[Anonymous]

I'd be fine with once a month. DH would probably like 2x a week. So I give in and put out once a week.

Both mid-40s, married 15+ years, two kids (tween/early teen).

[Anonymous]

3-5 times per week. More and I wouldn't complain but it feels a bit like a chore. Less and I start feeling unwanted. As it is we range from twice a day to once a week. In 4 years the longest we've gone without is 2 weeks. This is perfect for me.

My previous relationship of 12 years was more like 4 times a year and I will never go back to that kind of hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: So I give in and put out once a week.

Hot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of low/high incompatibility in this thread; seems a shame.

I have a hypothesis that marriage causes small imbalances to be large ones. Being the lower libido one means that you'll be the recipient of at least occasional unwanted advances. At first, it's no big deal -- the imbalance isn't that big, so the unwanted advance isn't that frequent. But, it makes you just a little less likely to want sex -- that leads to a greater frequency of times when the advance is unwanted. And it snowballs. You don't initiate because eventually there is no time to recharge your battery. The resentments grow.

On the high libido side, at first the rejections are no big deal. There's always tomorrow night. But then the rejections accumulate -- you start being unsure about when you'll be able to have sex again. That makes you want it more. Acceptance of your sexual advances become intertwined with your feelings about whether your spouse loves you, finds you attractive, etc. Then you notice she never initiates -- that's proof that she doesn't find you attractive. Your sexual initiations become more tentative -- nonsexual interactions become less loving. That leads to less and less sex. And on and on.

So, what started as mildly mismatched libidos become wildly mismatched libidos.

Wow, you have perfectly described what happened in our marriage. It's spiraling down, not sure my wife realizes how bad but I don't know if we have a future together.

I totally agree. I think sexual compatibility may be the most important aspect to consider when deciding on marriage. My first husband and I were not and marriage failed quickly. Second time around I made sure we were on the same page. It's sad but I don't think many people realize this when marrying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of low/high incompatibility in this thread; seems a shame.

I have a hypothesis that marriage causes small imbalances to be large ones. Being the lower libido one means that you'll be the recipient of at least occasional unwanted advances. At first, it's no big deal -- the imbalance isn't that big, so the unwanted advance isn't that frequent. But, it makes you just a little less likely to want sex -- that leads to a greater frequency of times when the advance is unwanted. And it snowballs. You don't initiate because eventually there is no time to recharge your battery. The resentments grow.

On the high libido side, at first the rejections are no big deal. There's always tomorrow night. But then the rejections accumulate -- you start being unsure about when you'll be able to have sex again. That makes you want it more. Acceptance of your sexual advances become intertwined with your feelings about whether your spouse loves you, finds you attractive, etc. Then you notice she never initiates -- that's proof that she doesn't find you attractive. Your sexual initiations become more tentative -- nonsexual interactions become less loving. That leads to less and less sex. And on and on.

So, what started as mildly mismatched libidos become wildly mismatched libidos.

This describes what I think has happened in my marriage to a T.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was fine with once a week or so but my DH was good for at least 2-3 times a week. About a year ago he showed up in bed with a few toys, which was a big surprise, and they have worked so well that I now love it 2-3 times a week.

I bought a few toys once and my wife felt like they were me pressuring her to have more sex. So that backfired like pretty much everything else.

I’m sorry.

The toys my DH showed up with were for me to have more pleasure and it worked with me then being the one who wanted to increase frequency. I’m sure he was happy about that as well.

My DW has thrown almost every toy in the trash. They were all oriented for her pleasure, and the only thing extreme about the toys was their extreme vanillaness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of low/high incompatibility in this thread; seems a shame.

I have a hypothesis that marriage causes small imbalances to be large ones. Being the lower libido one means that you'll be the recipient of at least occasional unwanted advances. At first, it's no big deal -- the imbalance isn't that big, so the unwanted advance isn't that frequent. But, it makes you just a little less likely to want sex -- that leads to a greater frequency of times when the advance is unwanted. And it snowballs. You don't initiate because eventually there is no time to recharge your battery. The resentments grow.

On the high libido side, at first the rejections are no big deal. There's always tomorrow night. But then the rejections accumulate -- you start being unsure about when you'll be able to have sex again. That makes you want it more. Acceptance of your sexual advances become intertwined with your feelings about whether your spouse loves you, finds you attractive, etc. Then you notice she never initiates -- that's proof that she doesn't find you attractive. Your sexual initiations become more tentative -- nonsexual interactions become less loving. That leads to less and less sex. And on and on.

So, what started as mildly mismatched libidos become wildly mismatched libidos.

Wow, you have perfectly described what happened in our marriage. It's spiraling down, not sure my wife realizes how bad but I don't know if we have a future together.

I totally agree. I think sexual compatibility may be the most important aspect to consider when deciding on marriage. My first husband and I were not and marriage failed quickly. Second time around I made sure we were on the same page. It's sad but I don't think many people realize this when marrying.

Partially true. Nobody has a crystal ball. Many of the incompatibility comes later in life...after kids, ageing, job stress, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of low/high incompatibility in this thread; seems a shame.

I have a hypothesis that marriage causes small imbalances to be large ones. Being the lower libido one means that you'll be the recipient of at least occasional unwanted advances. At first, it's no big deal -- the imbalance isn't that big, so the unwanted advance isn't that frequent. But, it makes you just a little less likely to want sex -- that leads to a greater frequency of times when the advance is unwanted. And it snowballs. You don't initiate because eventually there is no time to recharge your battery. The resentments grow.

On the high libido side, at first the rejections are no big deal. There's always tomorrow night. But then the rejections accumulate -- you start being unsure about when you'll be able to have sex again. That makes you want it more. Acceptance of your sexual advances become intertwined with your feelings about whether your spouse loves you, finds you attractive, etc. Then you notice she never initiates -- that's proof that she doesn't find you attractive. Your sexual initiations become more tentative -- nonsexual interactions become less loving. That leads to less and less sex. And on and on.

So, what started as mildly mismatched libidos become wildly mismatched libidos.

Wow, you have perfectly described what happened in our marriage. It's spiraling down, not sure my wife realizes how bad but I don't know if we have a future together.

I totally agree. I think sexual compatibility may be the most important aspect to consider when deciding on marriage. My first husband and I were not and marriage failed quickly. Second time around I made sure we were on the same page. It's sad but I don't think many people realize this when marrying.

I think this is true, as well. But it isn't necessarily about my libido (that seems to be fine) but about being really and truly attracted to your spouse. I want sex, I don't want my spouse. Big difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I totally agree. I think sexual compatibility may be the most important aspect to consider when deciding on marriage. My first husband and I were not and marriage failed quickly. Second time around I made sure we were on the same page. It's sad but I don't think many people realize this when marrying.

I think this is true, as well. But it isn't necessarily about my libido (that seems to be fine) but about being really and truly attracted to your spouse. I want sex, I don't want my spouse. Big difference.

Tough for a long-time spouse to compete against novelty, for sure.

[Anonymous]

I’ll be honest, kids killed the dynamic with DH #1. With DH#2, we are never having kids and as a DW I am happy with 6 days a week, something multiple times a day. We are in our early 50s.

[Anonymous]

We’ve been married almost 40 years and once a week, sometimes twice is fine with me. I’m sure my husband would like it 2-3 times a week but he doesn’t complain. Early on in our marriage we might have had sex 3+ times a week so where we are now is not bad. I also think the quality is better as we know what we each like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of low/high incompatibility in this thread; seems a shame.

I have a hypothesis that marriage causes small imbalances to be large ones. Being the lower libido one means that you'll be the recipient of at least occasional unwanted advances. At first, it's no big deal -- the imbalance isn't that big, so the unwanted advance isn't that frequent. But, it makes you just a little less likely to want sex -- that leads to a greater frequency of times when the advance is unwanted. And it snowballs. You don't initiate because eventually there is no time to recharge your battery. The resentments grow.

On the high libido side, at first the rejections are no big deal. There's always tomorrow night. But then the rejections accumulate -- you start being unsure about when you'll be able to have sex again. That makes you want it more. Acceptance of your sexual advances become intertwined with your feelings about whether your spouse loves you, finds you attractive, etc. Then you notice she never initiates -- that's proof that she doesn't find you attractive. Your sexual initiations become more tentative -- nonsexual interactions become less loving. That leads to less and less sex. And on and on.

So, what started as mildly mismatched libidos become wildly mismatched libidos.

Wow, you have perfectly described what happened in our marriage. It's spiraling down, not sure my wife realizes how bad but I don't know if we have a future together.

I totally agree. I think sexual compatibility may be the most important aspect to consider when deciding on marriage. My first husband and I were not and marriage failed quickly. Second time around I made sure we were on the same page. It's sad but I don't think many people realize this when marrying.

I think this is true, as well. But it isn't necessarily about my libido (that seems to be fine) but about being really and truly attracted to your spouse. I want sex, I don't want my spouse. Big difference.

So why are you married to him ?

[Anonymous]

Is never an inappropriate answer? I think my husband would agree which is a pretty good clue that we will soon be moving on.

[Anonymous]

My DH has been a real ass lately so never.

[Anonymous]

I am 42 and I want it every single day. I hope it will stop with menopause. I am happy with at least 2-3 times a week. If I go a week without sex, I am really grumpy and sometimes have terrible headaches or migraines.