Husbands with SAHMs that prefer they work

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I've done both SAHM and WOHM. I can assure you, when I'm in a SAHM mode I am doing lots of fun things for myself- exercise classes, tennis, hiking, meeting friends for coffee, meeting friends for lunch, etc... I know that I'm taking care of the kids and household but I make a point of doing things that I like doing and not feeling guilty about it.

Only if you were a stay at home with a nanny. Or your children are 12 and 14. Because NO WAY.

Being a SAH parent is SO much harder than going to work. Especially when the kids are very little, like before school aged.

Yes, we can do fun things (hit the museums! go meet friends!) but you are always always ON and watching that toddler/infant/child. It is never YOU time. Unless, of course, you are a SAH with a nanny (and maybe a housekeeper). Which is fine. But for your average SAH parent ... no.

If it's so much harder and you hate it so much and get a job. This is what kills me. It is a freaking choice and a luxury.

People like you are so annoying. You set up an attack on sahms, they talk about their day and how it isn't always a gravy train and then you attack them for complaining! Such circular ridiculousness! They wouldn't have complained if you hadn't attacked them!

-wohm

I didn't. I was a new poster. Calm down, crazy!

Well then you're still responding out of context and are a jerk.

Is SAH a choice for the vast majority, or not?

Judging from the couples that I have personally seen with a SAH spouse - it is more doable than you might think even though it might be REALLY lean financially. You have to lay the groundwork for it and you have to consider it a top priority. You also have to accept that the SAH spouse will begin to lose income potential the minute they start to stay at home. That can be scary especially if you have a lot of debt/expenses.

If I had had my first even 4 years before I did, I doubt that I would have chosen to SAH and I doubt that dh would have wanted me to SAH. I do feel lucky that I have had the option to SAH but if circumstances had changed for us I would have been back to work in a heartbeat. As a poster up thread mentioned before, you have got to remain flexible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think DHs who resent their SAH wives are ones who are low earners and need the additional income.

Agreed. I bring a trust fund to the table and my husband is a high earner. Our three kids are in early elementary school. I'm happy keeping our home running smoothly and cooking healthy meals, allowing the kids to be active in sports, and to enjoy our low key relaxed summers. Anyone who would judge us for being happy with how our family runs has their own issues.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've done both SAHM and WOHM. I can assure you, when I'm in a SAHM mode I am doing lots of fun things for myself- exercise classes, tennis, hiking, meeting friends for coffee, meeting friends for lunch, etc... I know that I'm taking care of the kids and household but I make a point of doing things that I like doing and not feeling guilty about it.

Only if you were a stay at home with a nanny. Or your children are 12 and 14. Because NO WAY.

Being a SAH parent is SO much harder than going to work. Especially when the kids are very little, like before school aged.

Yes, we can do fun things (hit the museums! go meet friends!) but you are always always ON and watching that toddler/infant/child. It is never YOU time. Unless, of course, you are a SAH with a nanny (and maybe a housekeeper). Which is fine. But for your average SAH parent ... no.

If it's so much harder and you hate it so much and get a job. This is what kills me. It is a freaking choice and a luxury.

People like you are so annoying. You set up an attack on sahms, they talk about their day and how it isn't always a gravy train and then you attack them for complaining! Such circular ridiculousness! They wouldn't have complained if you hadn't attacked them!

-wohm

I didn't. I was a new poster. Calm down, crazy!

Well then you're still responding out of context and are a jerk.

Is SAH a choice for the vast majority, or not?

I think it is a choice for more people than you think, particularly when the kids are young and daycare costs can easily approach 3k a month for multiple kids. I don't think most SAHM's in that situation are taking luxury vacations or driving a Lexus SUV but I do think they are working hard for their family. And I do think it is a legitimate choice. For some people having one parent devoted to raising their children is more important than having discretionary income. Just because that isn't a choice YOU would make doesn't mean it isn't a fine choice for a couple who are both on the same page about making it.

Obviously I agree with other PPs that if your husband isn't on board that is not good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It's hard to be 40 and starting at an entry level position.

You're right. Much harder than sitting home, not contributing your fair share.

It really shouldn't be THAT hard, if you were interested in helping your family, had a career before (you have a shorter curve on learning and understanding the politics in most offices). Not to mention, you have the motivation of having an entry leveL job that won't likely be sucking all your soul and time.

I think being insensitive to the reality that you are 40 doing the jub that most 25 year Olds are working is very hard on your self esteem. You are never going to get somebody on board to working with insensitivity.

Most people think they are "helping" their family by taking the burden off the husband.

I am not advocating for aSAHM to stay at home after kids go to school but thinking it is not a big deal from being a lwyer to a govt secretary, for the benefits, is insensitive$

Most entry level jobs are soul sucking and long hours, it those with connections, experience, etc that have more leave and cush jobs.

Men need to start taking on the household duties to show they are a team instead of acting like this is not a team effort. Get a job, it's not that hard... not a good approach.

Women need to keep their jobs even when they have infants, to force their husbands to do the housework and kid stuff. It doesn't benefit the family if one spouse gives up a good paying job because the other spouse won't do his or her share at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've done both SAHM and WOHM. I can assure you, when I'm in a SAHM mode I am doing lots of fun things for myself- exercise classes, tennis, hiking, meeting friends for coffee, meeting friends for lunch, etc... I know that I'm taking care of the kids and household but I make a point of doing things that I like doing and not feeling guilty about it.

Only if you were a stay at home with a nanny. Or your children are 12 and 14. Because NO WAY.

Being a SAH parent is SO much harder than going to work. Especially when the kids are very little, like before school aged.

Yes, we can do fun things (hit the museums! go meet friends!) but you are always always ON and watching that toddler/infant/child. It is never YOU time. Unless, of course, you are a SAH with a nanny (and maybe a housekeeper). Which is fine. But for your average SAH parent ... no.

If it's so much harder and you hate it so much and get a job. This is what kills me. It is a freaking choice and a luxury.

People like you are so annoying. You set up an attack on sahms, they talk about their day and how it isn't always a gravy train and then you attack them for complaining! Such circular ridiculousness! They wouldn't have complained if you hadn't attacked them!

-wohm

I didn't. I was a new poster. Calm down, crazy!

Well then you're still responding out of context and are a jerk.

Is SAH a choice for the vast majority, or not?

I think it is a choice for more people than you think, particularly when the kids are young and daycare costs can easily approach 3k a month for multiple kids. I don't think most SAHM's in that situation are taking luxury vacations or driving a Lexus SUV but I do think they are working hard for their family. And I do think it is a legitimate choice. For some people having one parent devoted to raising their children is more important than having discretionary income. Just because that isn't a choice YOU would make doesn't mean it isn't a fine choice for a couple who are both on the same page about making it.

Obviously I agree with other PPs that if your husband isn't on board that is not good.

But there's a difference between being a SAHP during those younger daycare years, and making it a permanent arrangement out of default. I don't think most spouses are resentful of those years.. It's once the kids are older or in school and SAHP does not seek to return to th workforce, even though part time hours or *something* may help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some husbands simply want to provide their wife with a nice life and have a less stressful home and schedule. Why is this so hard to understand? Work is hard and I will already be doing most of the lifting in terms of pregnancy and caring for a young child. My husband wants me to be happy and to do whatever is best for me and for our family, which may be staying home. It's not necessarily a bad thing to have a husband whose love and admiration for you isn't dependent on how much money you bring to the relationship or what you do or don't do from 9-5.

When I was dating I hated how men seemed to be so polarized about this. I have no idea if I will want to stay home with kids (probably not) but I tried to avoid men who hated sahms or who were insistent that their future wife work. I'm glad I found a man who simply wants us both to be happy.

you don't even have kids. I suggest waiting to see what life throws at you. I knew I would always work, and wanted a man to support me in that. It's not just what I do during the day, or the money. It's part of my identity. Isn't that true of your career too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some husbands simply want to provide their wife with a nice life and have a less stressful home and schedule. Why is this so hard to understand? Work is hard and I will already be doing most of the lifting in terms of pregnancy and caring for a young child. My husband wants me to be happy and to do whatever is best for me and for our family, which may be staying home. It's not necessarily a bad thing to have a husband whose love and admiration for you isn't dependent on how much money you bring to the relationship or what you do or don't do from 9-5.

When I was dating I hated how men seemed to be so polarized about this. I have no idea if I will want to stay home with kids (probably not) but I tried to avoid men who hated sahms or who were insistent that their future wife work. I'm glad I found a man who simply wants us both to be happy.

Did you miss the part where OP said "to husbands only"? Your take may not me the same as your husband's even if he appears to be fine with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point that so many people are missing is that even a small, part time gig can help finances significantly. A Wal-mart or retail job isn't that horrible from an income point of view - 25 hours a week at $12/ hour is still over $15K a year. A lot of retailers offer benefits, profit sharing, employee purchase programs, discounts, retirement savings matching, etc.

The problem is that this $15k is taxed at the highest of your husband's tax rate. On top of that you have childcare expenses which are more than the $15k. Teenagers often need supervision. Most women wouldn't want to pay to go to work.

So all people, not just women, should plan when getting their education or skills training to be able to make enough in their chosen vocation to afford childcare on their income.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Plan ahead and do your homework, girls. Don't be like me and get stuck with a loser who can't afford to keep things a float and APPRECIATE a woman playing a traditional role, if that is what you want.

I regret marrying my husband every day. I thought I was marrying for love but I was just being an idiot.

I bet he regrets marrying a leech.

Or it could be a partnership where each spouse contributes different things? Or maybe the husband doesn't solely judge his wife on her job or lack thereof? Is being a sahm anymore of a leech than a child?

OMG a SAHM is not a minor! (at least I hope not )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Under no circumstances would any woman allow a man to not work for 5+ years without small or special needs kids to deal with. If the roles were reverses most of you would utterly without pity.

And under no circumstances do men give birth and care for babies.

Of course men care for babies (?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Under no circumstances would any woman allow a man to not work for 5+ years without small or special needs kids to deal with. If the roles were reverses most of you would utterly without pity.

So I'm no longer a woman? I would love to have a man stay home, raise my kids, do my laundry, clean my house, balance my budget, deal with the contractors, maintain the home and yard, handle our social calendar, and have dinner waiting for me when I got home! Shit, I wouldn't even mind if he went shopping, got his nails done, or even got fat!

Why would you love it? Can't you work and do all that as well? Even easier if your spouse did half.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plan ahead and do your homework, girls. Don't be like me and get stuck with a loser who can't afford to keep things a float and APPRECIATE a woman playing a traditional role, if that is what you want.

I regret marrying my husband every day. I thought I was marrying for love but I was just being an idiot.

I bet he regrets marrying a leech.

Or it could be a partnership where each spouse contributes different things? Or maybe the husband doesn't solely judge his wife on her job or lack thereof? Is being a sahm anymore of a leech than a child?

A teenager does not need constant, one on one hands on care (barring special needs). What exactly is the SAH spouse "contributing" at that point that equals an income that will benefit everyone?

Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, gift buying/wrapping, home maintenance, etc. At that point its more like a homemaker.

Also, some of us are married to husbands who make so much that the incremental income we'd bring is not needed and would barely be noticed. Its not like we are living on credit card debt or skipping college/retirement savings for me to stay home. Quite the opposite.

Is it that your husbands make so much, or you'd make so little?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plan ahead and do your homework, girls. Don't be like me and get stuck with a loser who can't afford to keep things a float and APPRECIATE a woman playing a traditional role, if that is what you want.

I regret marrying my husband every day. I thought I was marrying for love but I was just being an idiot.

I bet he regrets marrying a leech.

Or it could be a partnership where each spouse contributes different things? Or maybe the husband doesn't solely judge his wife on her job or lack thereof? Is being a sahm anymore of a leech than a child?

A teenager does not need constant, one on one hands on care (barring special needs). What exactly is the SAH spouse "contributing" at that point that equals an income that will benefit everyone?

Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, gift buying/wrapping, home maintenance, etc. At that point its more like a homemaker.

Also, some of us are married to husbands who make so much that the incremental income we'd bring is not needed and would barely be noticed. Its not like we are living on credit card debt or skipping college/retirement savings for me to stay home. Quite the opposite.

Not trying to sound elitist. Just saying that my husband would rather not have to deal with any of the above than have an extra $10-15k after taxes. It would be different if our family was doing without. But we are simple people and live well below our means. No one would guess his income based on our house/cars/etc. My clothes are from the Loft at 40% off and my handbags are from TJMaxx.

Seems you're not the target audience for this thread. Note pissed-off husbands earlier in it. But it's cute that you call the income people mention here 'incremental." What a snooty, elitist thing to say.

It would also be different if your husband made $150,000 and you were giving up another $100,000K to SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Stop insinuating hat all women will only end up with the "low paying" jobs after staying at home. My DH leaves it up to me, SAHM or work. I have taken two three year leaves since I had children 15 years ago. I was able to take a few years off and then enter the market at a higher rate (which is quite high) both times. No one bats an eye during interviews when I tell them I chose to stay at home until the kids started school and then stayed at home due to personal family needs. If you are good at what you do and keep updated on your industry, it's perfectly acceptable to take time off. I wouldn't trade my time off for anything. Stop acting like SAHM's are going to work at Walmart because they decided not to work for awhile.

I bet you $100 you're not a corporate lawyer. What do you consider a "quite high" rate?

Over $200K/yr in IT

OK thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I envy the wives married to men who can afford to let them stay at home and not be strapped for cash as a result. If you're in that position and your DH is a nice guy, count yourself very lucky and make sure to let him know how much you appreciate him!

Would somebody wake me up when 1953 is over? Maybe for the elite. 1%'ers on DCUM that is an option. But for the rest of us, we need two incomes.