Feel free, FIL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I totally get your annoyance. But consider things a bit.

Here's my story - my lovely parents showed up on my doorstep right when I got home from the hospital with my first. They'd driven 9 hrs to get there and had masses of homemade food. But they were largely useless around the baby (hadn't seen one in decades) and we were stressed and sleepless. They wanted us to help with things we just couldn't contemplate (making a proper Easter dinner for one, when I could have cared less!) I'll never forget screaming at my mother for screwing up the coffee maker and creating a giant flood of coffee in our tiny kitchen. I apologized after the fact, and like you I had a bulletproof excuse to be frustrated with them.

Still, when my mother died 2 years later, it was the moment i regretted most in life. It's hard to take the long view when you're immediately post-partum, but there will come a time when you may look back on this and wish you'd mustered just a tiny bit more kindness toward your ILs. I'm totally not bashing you, I would feel the same way you did, I just wanted you to hear another take.

Wow. I can't believe you screamed at your mom, pp. Must have been those post-partum hormones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I totally get your annoyance. But consider things a bit.

Here's my story - my lovely parents showed up on my doorstep right when I got home from the hospital with my first. They'd driven 9 hrs to get there and had masses of homemade food. But they were largely useless around the baby (hadn't seen one in decades) and we were stressed and sleepless. They wanted us to help with things we just couldn't contemplate (making a proper Easter dinner for one, when I could have cared less!) I'll never forget screaming at my mother for screwing up the coffee maker and creating a giant flood of coffee in our tiny kitchen. I apologized after the fact, and like you I had a bulletproof excuse to be frustrated with them.

Still, when my mother died 2 years later, it was the moment i regretted most in life. It's hard to take the long view when you're immediately post-partum, but there will come a time when you may look back on this and wish you'd mustered just a tiny bit more kindness toward your ILs. I'm totally not bashing you, I would feel the same way you did, I just wanted you to hear another take.

Wow. I can't believe you screamed at your mom, pp. Must have been those post-partum hormones.

Np.. What do you hope to accomplish with this comment? What a bitch!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Goodness. I get that FIL is being a jerk. But, guest in my home, I'd make the coffee. Takes five minutes. Seems to me like OP was proving a point.

Or, as others say, OP can say to DH or MIL, "I have to change my BLOODY MAX PAD, would one of you please help out by making a fresh pot of coffee? I'll be back when I've finished feeding the baby."

I suppose the people telling OP to make the coffee also would not approve of her letting the baby cry for that period. No win situation. I'm very grateful none of my family members are like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Goodness. I get that FIL is being a jerk. But, guest in my home, I'd make the coffee. Takes five minutes. Seems to me like OP was proving a point.

Or, as others say, OP can say to DH or MIL, "I have to change my BLOODY MAX PAD, would one of you please help out by making a fresh pot of coffee? I'll be back when I've finished feeding the baby."

I suppose the people telling OP to make the coffee also would not approve of her letting the baby cry for that period. No win situation. I'm very grateful none of my family members are like this.

+1. She has no reason to feel guilty, whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Too often the issue is the messaging and related expectations.

Some new grandparents just want to come "visit and see the baby." Nine times out of ten they view themselves as visitors/guests. Guests generally don't cook, grocery shop, do laundry, take out trash. Good guests do pick up after themselves but not everyone is a good guest.

New moms understandably, want anyone who visits to "help" the family in helpful ways.

Communication, ideally beforehand, is key. Don't assume that what you or your own parent would do is what others will do.

That attitude is so alien to me. When my parents visit, they don't expect to be catered to. They see themselves as family, and they pitch in just like they would at home. Ditto for us when we visit them. Yes, we do things like stock their favorite foods and put clean sheets on the bed and think of some fun activities to suggest to them, because they are guests and we want their stay to be comfortable, but it would never occur to them not to just make a new pot of coffee if the pot was empty and they wanted more. And frankly, as a result, we welcome their visits, we encourage them to stay as long as they like, and we look forward to seeing them, because they make themselves at home in all the best ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a guest in your home. You should have made another pot of coffee.

I'd love to know who you are. Male or female? Age? These posts encouraging everyone to lie flatter kill me. I'd bet irl you are patronizing and want everyone to wait on you. I bet a bajillion bucks you don't do too much for others but feel better about a world filled with door mats to provide and do things for you.

When I read some of these threads, I wonder just who the people like the OP's MIL and FIL are and then I read some of the responses. Anyone who says that "he's a guest, blah, blah, blah" is probably a clueless MIL or FIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a guest in your home. You should have made another pot of coffee.

I'd love to know who you are. Male or female? Age? These posts encouraging everyone to lie flatter kill me. I'd bet irl you are patronizing and want everyone to wait on you. I bet a bajillion bucks you don't do too much for others but feel better about a world filled with door mats to provide and do things for you.

When I read some of these threads, I wonder just who the people like the OP's MIL and FIL are and then I read some of the responses. Anyone who says that "he's a guest, blah, blah, blah" is probably a clueless MIL or FIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a guest in your home. You should have made another pot of coffee.

I'd love to know who you are. Male or female? Age? These posts encouraging everyone to lie flatter kill me. I'd bet irl you are patronizing and want everyone to wait on you. I bet a bajillion bucks you don't do too much for others but feel better about a world filled with door mats to provide and do things for you.

When I read some of these threads, I wonder just who the people like the OP's MIL and FIL are and then I read some of the responses. Anyone who says that "he's a guest, blah, blah, blah" is probably a clueless MIL or FIL.

Or being a troll/devil's advocate.

[Anonymous]

I would have gone into the kitchen with him and told him, "I'm going to show you how to make your coffee." I would have stood there and said, "The coffee is in the cabinet to the left of the fridge. Look now to see if the bag is there. (stare at him until he gets the bag or say it again.) For 3 cups of coffee, you use X amount of grinds. Fill the water to the Y line and press this button. I'll also show you where plates and utensils are so you can make your lunch when you are hungry. I'm sure you can find the fridge and pantry.
Do you have any questions?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I totally get your annoyance. But consider things a bit.

Here's my story - my lovely parents showed up on my doorstep right when I got home from the hospital with my first. They'd driven 9 hrs to get there and had masses of homemade food. But they were largely useless around the baby (hadn't seen one in decades) and we were stressed and sleepless. They wanted us to help with things we just couldn't contemplate (making a proper Easter dinner for one, when I could have cared less!) I'll never forget screaming at my mother for screwing up the coffee maker and creating a giant flood of coffee in our tiny kitchen. I apologized after the fact, and like you I had a bulletproof excuse to be frustrated with them.

Still, when my mother died 2 years later, it was the moment i regretted most in life. It's hard to take the long view when you're immediately post-partum, but there will come a time when you may look back on this and wish you'd mustered just a tiny bit more kindness toward your ILs. I'm totally not bashing you, I would feel the same way you did, I just wanted you to hear another take.

Wow. I can't believe you screamed at your mom, pp. Must have been those post-partum hormones.

Np.. What do you hope to accomplish with this comment? What a bitch!

To the person who shared the story, pls forgive yourself. I bet you 100% your mom didn't think about it anywhere nearly as much as you, and that she loved you a lot. You sound nice

[Anonymous]

When I was 37 weeks pregnant with #3 and begged my in laws not to expect me to host xmas dinner, they assured my husband that they would "do everything!"
On Christmas Day, I was in labor but trying to soldier on so my older kids could still have a nice xmas. Inlaws showed up and essentially day on their asses all day even though they knew I was having terrible contractions. I had contractions all day before my water broke and I had bloody show. I didn't tell Inlaws I was in labor but DH knew.
MIL actually sat at the table as I cleared her plate and later asked me to go brew her some coffee while she lounged on the couch. I could have killed her, FIL, and DH. I really regret that I was too meek to explode then and there and grow them all out!
I delivered about 6 hours after they left.
DH and I still can barely discuss it because it makes me so enraged.

[Anonymous]

^^ She wins.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the entire thread, but the first page is full of well-meaning, indirect advice. One of the hardest part of IL dynamics is different communication styles. My advice is to be direct. If he asks you for more coffee, just turn around and ask him if he wouldn't mind making it, please? Then turn around and say thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ She wins.

She wins what, the Martyr Olympics? If you're too stupid/stubborn to TELL people you are in labor and ASK for their help, you deserve what you get.

[Anonymous]

So many enablers chiming in. Blech!