Feel free, FIL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad is like this. It's annoying as all hell. I feel bad for my sister in law. He visited them when their baby was 4 mo and asked her daily what was for breakfast.

Your sister in law can't keep a box of Wheaties around the house for your dad?

Not this PP, but I have a FIL like this. I could have all the cereal in the world and a dozen different kinds of meat/bread/fixings for sandwiches for lunch and he will ask me every damn time what I'm making for breakfast/lunch/dinner. And in fact did ask me those things every day of their visit with my first child when she was 6 weeks old. He was visiting, this was his vacation and he expected 3 hot meals a day damnit. Both MIL and FIL complained to my H that time that I wasn't fixing them their meals. They were 61 and 65 at the time, fully able-bodied adults.

If you don't have someone like this in your life, feel lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad is like this. It's annoying as all hell. I feel bad for my sister in law. He visited them when their baby was 4 mo and asked her daily what was for breakfast.

Your sister in law can't keep a box of Wheaties around the house for your dad?

Not this PP, but I have a FIL like this. I could have all the cereal in the world and a dozen different kinds of meat/bread/fixings for sandwiches for lunch and he will ask me every damn time what I'm making for breakfast/lunch/dinner. And in fact did ask me those things every day of their visit with my first child when she was 6 weeks old. He was visiting, this was his vacation and he expected 3 hot meals a day damnit. Both MIL and FIL complained to my H that time that I wasn't fixing them their meals. They were 61 and 65 at the time, fully able-bodied adults.

If you don't have someone like this in your life, feel lucky.

I have to laugh at this thinking of my dad. He's the same type but my mom steps in. It's annoying to watch but she takes good care of me too so overall it's a win win when they visit. But the funny part was that I asked ahead of time last visit what they would like for breakfast and my dad, who's always on a new fad, and is super paleo at the moment, said "ugh, you mean cereal in a box, no I never eat that stuff". What a tool!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP (Keurig poster, actually): On Sunday, I was putting the baby down, and DH was dealing with our three oldest (2, 4, and 5) who were having fits about having to come inside, and MIL walks up to him and says, "can you reheat this coffee for me in the microwave?" DH said, "just a minute, or you're welcome to do it yourself." As I was coming down the steps, I saw FIL and MIL standing in the kitchen staring at DH and the three kids, sadly holding the coffee mug ...

My father is a little like this, too. Every once in a while, he needs to make a play for attention.

OMG these people seem like a nightmare. Do they not know how to use a microwave?? Also, DH couldn't ask his parents for help??

We gave up. They cannot (or will not) help. Not even when given a specific task. So, we try to enjoy their visits, but expect nothing from them. And of course they no how to use a microwave. MIL was just feeling neglected because the children were using up all of DH's attention, and FIL wanted DH to make her feel better.

I've gotten to the point where it's exasperating but mostly funny. I was giggling on the inside when I walked into the kitchen.

[Anonymous]

Goodness. I get that FIL is being a jerk. But, guest in my home, I'd make the coffee. Takes five minutes. Seems to me like OP was proving a point.

Or, as others say, OP can say to DH or MIL, "I have to change my BLOODY MAX PAD, would one of you please help out by making a fresh pot of coffee? I'll be back when I've finished feeding the baby."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Goodness. I get that FIL is being a jerk. But, guest in my home, I'd make the coffee. Takes five minutes. Seems to me like OP was proving a point.

Or, as others say, OP can say to DH or MIL, "I have to change my BLOODY MAX PAD, would one of you please help out by making a fresh pot of coffee? I'll be back when I've finished feeding the baby."

Yeah. A VALID point: I'm busy with a BABY, so you need to stop being a baby.

Do you people not get the difference between "having people in my home to help with baby" and "guest in my home"? Seriously.

To quote Top Chef: I'm not your bitch, Bitch!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Goodness. I get that FIL is being a jerk. But, guest in my home, I'd make the coffee. Takes five minutes. Seems to me like OP was proving a point.

Or, as others say, OP can say to DH or MIL, "I have to change my BLOODY MAX PAD, would one of you please help out by making a fresh pot of coffee? I'll be back when I've finished feeding the baby."

Frankly, I'm with OP on this. This is OOT helplessness from people who should probably know better. But if you want to split the difference, I suppose she could have told him she's not having more but she would make another pot when she was done feeding the baby and getting him to sleep or whatever. That might have been an hour-plus later, but FIL couldn't really complain about that I don't think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My FIL does similar things. He will watch other people cook dinner, set the table, and clear the table and never lift a finger. He leaves dishes all over the house because taking them to the sink is too much. Drives me nuts. Especially because my dad, who is generally a pretty traditional guy, always pitches in, because he is a nice person who doesn't expect to be served.

Well if you don't like lazy moochers you are going to love it when Sanders is elected and enacts his agenda.

How many of you pps complaining about lazy, entitled in laws take the opposite stance in your politics? When it affects you directly then you care quoits not being taken advantage of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well maybe he doesn't know how to make coffee with your coffee machine and you sound like a slightly strung out bitch. Six weeks isn't that big of a deal, according to the federal government in fact that is all you get for usable sick leave after having a vaginal birth. Maybe your FIL is a pill, but you could have handled it better.

Wow. OPs GIL didn't have to bitch about it. He could have (a) been an adult and asked her to show him how to use the machine, (b) asked his wife how to use the machine, or even (c) asked his wife to make the coffee. For him to pressure her and grouse about it while OP has her hands full is absurd. I'm sure this is not the only example of FIL wanting to be served. I don't picture him offering to make dinner or offering to clear the plates and load the dishwasher. OP sounds fine. You sound a little crazy.

Uh, or HIS SON, OP'S HUSBAND could show him how. DIL and MIL only expected to help clueless FIL? Your gender stereotype expectations are showing.

Mmmm, no. I'm trying to work within FILs limited scope. Of course OPs husband could also get involved, if a fourth person needs to be dragged into this little one-act. If you knew me, you'd know that I, like OP, don't put up with these expectations of serving a FIL. But thanks for playing.

So your order of should have to put up with this is:
Postpartum DIL
Older MIL
Able-bodied husband

Got it.

No. My post was trying to work within the FIL's scenario, which involved three people. My order would be FIL himself, MIL, new parent DH, and then McDonalds. But your own ageist stereotypes are showing. "Older MIL" contrasted with "able-bodied husband"? Really?

Face are facts. Don't bother an older visitor when a healthy membe of household can help.

Aaaaand the fact is you've missed the entire point of the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Goodness. I get that FIL is being a jerk. But, guest in my home, I'd make the coffee. Takes five minutes. Seems to me like OP was proving a point.

Or, as others say, OP can say to DH or MIL, "I have to change my BLOODY MAX PAD, would one of you please help out by making a fresh pot of coffee? I'll be back when I've finished feeding the baby."

IT'S NOT 5 MINUTES. You don't get it, PP. It's a way of being. 4 day visit? Something like this comes up every 2 hours. Imagine you have a newborn and all this "5 minutes" shit going on around the clock. Frankly, I think OP is too patient, making the first pot invites requests for second. Why waitress at all in this situation? I'd farm this out to DH. You want your parents to be here? Their needs is 100% your responsibility. Groceries, clean sheets, microwaving whatever MIL pretends she can't microwave for herself, "visiting", chatting, entertainment, and yes, coffee at 6 am should they deem it necessary. FTM+an infant does not equal service staff on call.

[Anonymous]

Too often the issue is the messaging and related expectations.

Some new grandparents just want to come "visit and see the baby." Nine times out of ten they view themselves as visitors/guests. Guests generally don't cook, grocery shop, do laundry, take out trash. Good guests do pick up after themselves but not everyone is a good guest.

New moms understandably, want anyone who visits to "help" the family in helpful ways.

Communication, ideally beforehand, is key. Don't assume that what you or your own parent would do is what others will do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No more visits. I would not tolerate anyone treating me as a servant in my home. Especially in front of my daughters. And all the "proper hostess police" in here can stuff it-- just an excuse to be a doormat.

I love you! Op, tell them to help or leave. Make it clear your home is not a hotel. The old geezer needs to learn that it's not 1950.

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally get your annoyance. But consider things a bit.

Here's my story - my lovely parents showed up on my doorstep right when I got home from the hospital with my first. They'd driven 9 hrs to get there and had masses of homemade food. But they were largely useless around the baby (hadn't seen one in decades) and we were stressed and sleepless. They wanted us to help with things we just couldn't contemplate (making a proper Easter dinner for one, when I could have cared less!) I'll never forget screaming at my mother for screwing up the coffee maker and creating a giant flood of coffee in our tiny kitchen. I apologized after the fact, and like you I had a bulletproof excuse to be frustrated with them.

Still, when my mother died 2 years later, it was the moment i regretted most in life. It's hard to take the long view when you're immediately post-partum, but there will come a time when you may look back on this and wish you'd mustered just a tiny bit more kindness toward your ILs. I'm totally not bashing you, I would feel the same way you did, I just wanted you to hear another take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's a guest in your home. You should have made another pot of coffee.

I'd love to know who you are. Male or female? Age? These posts encouraging everyone to lie flatter kill me. I'd bet irl you are patronizing and want everyone to wait on you. I bet a bajillion bucks you don't do too much for others but feel better about a world filled with door mats to provide and do things for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a Keurig.

Nope. Why would you create environmental waste, spend extra money, or use a piece of equipment you don't want/need to cater to a FIL who is acting like a spoiled brat?

WHY should OP go out of her way to further accommodate this obnoxious man?

NP, but i'll chime in. It's very tough for people to change after a certain age, they are more inflexible. If there are small things like this that you can do, to help avoid conflict, you do them. Yes he is completely wrong, but believe me it's not worth the drama.

Another card-carrying member of Doormats R Us

Hardly a doormat. I used to be very outspoken and assertive. I have tweaked my approach a little, and find that I still get what I want without damaging the relationship. Clearly OP should not make extra cups of coffee or cater more to FIL. But you know, if getting a Keurig, or doing some other thing that does not require a lot of time of energy can make him feel more welcome, she should do it. There are bound to be be bigger things, where she will really need to draw hard lines, this just isn't one of them in my opinion.

We could be friends. I, too, believe that you don’t go out of your way to damage a relationship. Sure, the other person may be “in the wrong,” but sometimes it is just better to be kind than to be right. It makes for a better world.

All your peace and love stuff only works on sane people. Some of us have selfish, childish, and rude family who will resist any kind of reasonable request. You feel like you are gracing us with your wisdom only because you haven't had to deal with the asses that some of us have.

[Anonymous]

OP, your DH is the issue for inviting his useless family and not taking whatever care of them that they expect. That was for the 1st visit.

For the 2nd (current) visit - it's entirely your fault. For letting them come and also for making your own coffee. DH should be doing it for you. If you act like you can do everything you get stuck doing everything.