My parents don't want to vacation with us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Single aunt here- I don't want to vacation with my brothers kids either. That isn't a vacation, it's a week of them expected me to be a babysitter because they work so hard. Yeah I chose to be child free for a reason and have zero desire to go to OBX when I can be in Belize instead. I go home and visit very frequently (always me flying home, never ever them making an effort to visit me in 10 years) and when I'm home for my 3-5 days I love being an aunt and help out where ever and however I can. But no way am I going on screaming kid vacations to some place in a Carolina where I'm expected to babysit all week. Nope! I'll visit and love my nieces and nephews once a month (a 3 hr flight away) on my schedule. When I get two weeks off, I'm going on s safari. Not being cramped in your beach house from hell.

Preach it sister.

You visit your brother once a month for 3 to 5 days at a time, on YOUR schedule? And bro is cool with that?
[b]

I go to his town for work, stay in a hotel once a month. I always babysit and do date nights. They always ask me to stay with them- nope. Work pays for a hotel and I need to be 'off the clock' or else I'll be babysitting the whole time.

Ha. You have it worked out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Wow. I"m so glad I have such fond memories of my grandparents, who did "babysit" us for weeks at a time. They actually liked to spend time with us. They didn't view it as "babysitting" but as spending time with their grandparents. And, they still traveled on their own to have their free time.

And, there is a medium between one night all "all week", as you are well aware. But, that would entail a discussion as to what your expectations are with your kids. Sounds rather difficult for you if you're that testy about a week with your grandchildren. You're a sad person.

You have some really high standards for what grandparents should be expected to do with and for their grandkids. If your grandparents wanted to do that, that's cool. My parents get my kids from school two days a week and do fun things with them on weekends once a month or so. Occasionally the kids will stay overnight at their place for fun. But they don't want to watch the kids alone for weeks on end, or go on vacation with us - and that's fine. They raised their own kids and are enjoying their more limited role as grandparents. Obviously different grandparents can make different reasonable choices about what they want their relationship with their families to be, and that is fine.

Please read my post again. Those are not my expectations but my experiences.

I actually don't think it's "fine." This is family. And, I don't get grandparents who don't feel the need to be with their grandchildren twice a year and view any extended care of more than a couple of days a nuisance (your situation sounds wonderful and I would not feel as strongly about a vacation if that were the situation; that is not OP's situation). Likewise for those that view their "job" of parenting over. I find it sad and a little pathetic. But, nevertheless, if that is how the grandparents feel, then OP should have a conversation with the GP's to discuss expectations of their involvement on a vacation so that everyone is on the same page as to what is expected of the GP's involvement (and if that's none, that's up to them).

OP, if even after that discussion they are unwilling to vacation with you, then there is not much you can do.

I think there can be a lot more to it than this - you've simplified this way down and frankly we've only heard OP's side of the story. I thought my in-laws were like OP's parents. Visited once a year while taking three exotic vacations a year. As the kids got older, we realized they were a bit scared and overwhelmed of taking care of babies, particularly since they didn't want to do it "wrong" and didn't always know all the "rules." They also found it completely exhausting - which is allowed - we also find it exhausting and we are 30 years younger and have to do it ...

Now that the kids are older they are wonderful engaged grandparents. We still only see them once or twice a year but when we do the time with the kids is wonderful. That doesn't mean they babysit much - they still find that overwhelming and frankly they don't owe anyone babysitting as you claim. But they make the best of the time spent with the kids and the kids adore them. I am fine with this and I am so grateful my children have a good relationship with them. It's not for you or anyone else to decide how anyone interacts with their grandkids - people do what they can and that doesn't make them bad people. More importantly, kids are very smart and it won't be long before they see things for what they are - neglectful grandparents vs. over demanding parents (or both). Let them navigate this relationship on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Wow. I"m so glad I have such fond memories of my grandparents, who did "babysit" us for weeks at a time. They actually liked to spend time with us. They didn't view it as "babysitting" but as spending time with their grandparents. And, they still traveled on their own to have their free time.

And, there is a medium between one night all "all week", as you are well aware. But, that would entail a discussion as to what your expectations are with your kids. Sounds rather difficult for you if you're that testy about a week with your grandchildren. You're a sad person.

You have some really high standards for what grandparents should be expected to do with and for their grandkids. If your grandparents wanted to do that, that's cool. My parents get my kids from school two days a week and do fun things with them on weekends once a month or so. Occasionally the kids will stay overnight at their place for fun. But they don't want to watch the kids alone for weeks on end, or go on vacation with us - and that's fine. They raised their own kids and are enjoying their more limited role as grandparents. Obviously different grandparents can make different reasonable choices about what they want their relationship with their families to be, and that is fine.

Please read my post again. Those are not my expectations but my experiences.

I actually don't think it's "fine." This is family. And, I don't get grandparents who don't feel the need to be with their grandchildren twice a year and view any extended care of more than a couple of days a nuisance (your situation sounds wonderful and I would not feel as strongly about a vacation if that were the situation; that is not OP's situation). Likewise for those that view their "job" of parenting over. I find it sad and a little pathetic. But, nevertheless, if that is how the grandparents feel, then OP should have a conversation with the GP's to discuss expectations of their involvement on a vacation so that everyone is on the same page as to what is expected of the GP's involvement (and if that's none, that's up to them).

OP, if even after that discussion they are unwilling to vacation with you, then there is not much you can do.

I think there can be a lot more to it than this - you've simplified this way down and frankly we've only heard OP's side of the story. I thought my in-laws were like OP's parents. Visited once a year while taking three exotic vacations a year. As the kids got older, we realized they were a bit scared and overwhelmed of taking care of babies, particularly since they didn't want to do it "wrong" and didn't always know all the "rules." They also found it completely exhausting - which is allowed - we also find it exhausting and we are 30 years younger and have to do it ...

Now that the kids are older they are wonderful engaged grandparents. We still only see them once or twice a year but when we do the time with the kids is wonderful. That doesn't mean they babysit much - they still find that overwhelming and frankly they don't owe anyone babysitting as you claim. But they make the best of the time spent with the kids and the kids adore them. I am fine with this and I am so grateful my children have a good relationship with them. It's not for you or anyone else to decide how anyone interacts with their grandkids - people do what they can and that doesn't make them bad people. More importantly, kids are very smart and it won't be long before they see things for what they are - neglectful grandparents vs. over demanding parents (or both). Let them navigate this relationship on their own.

PS: my kids relationship with my parents is more like what you describe you had with yours. And honestly that is wonderful too - we are grateful for it. But I don't see a meaningful difference between how close the kids are to either set of grandparents or how excited they are to see them/how much they enjoy their time with them. It's not about quantity of time and it's not about babysitting. It's about quality. And OP's kids are still too young to determine where that is going to go (i.e.: sitting around the house when visiting is fine if the grandparents are playing with and enjoying the kids - and if they are ignoring them completely - well the kids will see that for what it is very soon).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are kind of like this. I'm afraid kids cramp old people's style. One time they were going to Italy and I wanted to go, and they blew it off like it was impossible with kids, which it probably was, but I bet some people do take their kids to Italy. Another time I suggested a family vacation renting a house somewhere and my mom acted like I expected her to cook for us all (which I wasn't expecting of her). I do Skype with them, but I'm lucky if my dad even appears on camera on Skype. They visit once a year, for like 7 days including travel days which is more like 5 days. I'd like them to be closer, and it's disappointing they are not, but they are set in their ways and do what they want. They've been through raising kids so their grandkids are not that exciting to them. At some point you have to give up the fairytale and focus on people who want to vacation with you.

Today's parents (of which I am one) are largely overly controlling, micro-managing, critical and carry huge chips on their shoulders re parenting. The older generations were generally more laid back, less involved in every minute details of their children's lives and less critical of those who interact with their children. It is no wonder that grandparents are reluctant to spend time with their grandchildren when they will be observed like a hawk, criticized for everything they "do wrong" and ridiculed or subject to angry inlaws every time they open their mouths. Who in their right mind would put themselves in this situation voluntarily? Geez, just reading the family forum makes me dread being a mil someday much less a grandmother. The likely abuse is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are kind of like this. I'm afraid kids cramp old people's style. One time they were going to Italy and I wanted to go, and they blew it off like it was impossible with kids, which it probably was, but I bet some people do take their kids to Italy. Another time I suggested a family vacation renting a house somewhere and my mom acted like I expected her to cook for us all (which I wasn't expecting of her). I do Skype with them, but I'm lucky if my dad even appears on camera on Skype. They visit once a year, for like 7 days including travel days which is more like 5 days. I'd like them to be closer, and it's disappointing they are not, but they are set in their ways and do what they want. They've been through raising kids so their grandkids are not that exciting to them. At some point you have to give up the fairytale and focus on people who want to vacation with you.

Today's parents (of which I am one) are largely overly controlling, micro-managing, critical and carry huge chips on their shoulders re parenting. The older generations were generally more laid back, less involved in every minute details of their children's lives and less critical of those who interact with their children. It is no wonder that grandparents are reluctant to spend time with their grandchildren when they will be observed like a hawk, criticized for everything they "do wrong" and ridiculed or subject to angry inlaws every time they open their mouths. Who in their right mind would put themselves in this situation voluntarily? Geez, just reading the family forum makes me dread being a mil someday much less a grandmother. The likely abuse is ridiculous.

How would you know since you're not a grandmother yet? Reading a bunch of posts here is not real life. And in my personal experience, boomer grandparents are selfish grandparents who their grandchildren will not care about when they're older and can see their selfishness for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my family is a lot like yours. Would your parents do Skype? That's how my mother sees my kids on a regular basis.

+1. And even that is a nightmare because they are so judgmental of the way my kids interact with them on Skype. (They want to show off their latest Lego creations or make funny faces at the camera to make the grandparents laugh (they haven't yet realized my parents lack the humor gene), and generally be their goofy selves, while my parents expect them to sit upright in front of the screen and politely submit to a twenty minute quiz about what they're learning in school. Any shenanigans are seen as disrespectful, and evidence that my kids don't love them ... Complete with guilt trips and the occasional disconnection (21st century equivalent of hanging up on one's own grandkids).

I feel your pain, OP. You've done all you can. It might be for the best to just let it go. I've realized lately that I only like the IDEA of my kids being close to my parents. The reality is that they are selfish and emotionally abusive, and it is probably
for the best that they keep us all at continent's length.

Totally agree PP. The idea is nicer than the reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have kids that are up all night, bored and don't seem to have a bedtime that would do me in. They might be precious, funny, intelligent..but if they are constantly underfoot, no down time. Ugh. That would get old.

You treating me as the hired help -babysitter, cook, housekeeper and rarely if ever pitching in yourself would get old in a hurry. This is my vacation, too.

Doesn't mean I don't love them. Just means that a long weekend in our own hotel rooms, where we could all keep to our own schedules and spend quality time (as opposed to ALL of our time) together would be so much more relaxing..

I'm going to definitely use all of these excuses when my parents and Inlaws need help when they get older. I mean hospitals aren't relaxing at all! Sorry! Guess you better die alone old lady. Glad you had fun on your vacations instead of coming out to see your grandchildren. But see, they don't care about you so when you're sick and need help- you'll be on your own. Bye!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The cost isn't a factor. Our kids are 12 months and 3. We go to the beach for vacations because it's the easiest and most child-friendly vacation that both our kids like. Usually beach towns don't have name brand hotels such as the "Ritz." We usually stay in nice but family friendly hotels. They do like the beach, that's not the issue. It's just that they don't want to vacation in non-fancy places. If they were willing to vacation with us it would be a great way for them to see the kids more because it's too hard to go and visit them since my husband doesn't get much vacation time.

I have this dream of the big, warm, loving family vacations where we rent a big house at the beach and spend a fun week together. Sadly, that kind of vacation will never happen, not with my family and not with DH's either.

OP, I am approaching 50 and the absolute last thing I would want to do is vacation with an infant and a toddler.

OP I am 60 and same here. I would like to see the family, but staying at a beach house with 2 kids -- all that cooking, cleaning, baby sitting and sitting on the beach does not sound fun. Even a cruise is a bit low end for 5 star people. You need a great resort with a kid club -- and even then -- you do not know how much time old people spend sitting around -- something that toddlers abhor.

[Anonymous]

-The reason I want to vacation with them is to: a) see them more often than just twice a year, b) have a difference and more fun experience than when they come to our house and stay with us for 5 days, never wanting to do anything outside the house--that is just so boring to me, and c) to make meaningful family memories--and do something different for once other than them sitting on our sofa for 5 days not wanting to do anything.

-Besides the beach town idea, I have also suggested a cruise, vacationing in other locales (such as Florida, Disney, etc.) to my parents. They are not interested in any of those. I am flexible with other suggestions but they only want to do "fancy" travel which is just not possible with our vacation time (one week max) and our budget. Usually their trips are 3-4 weeks long which is just not feasible with our vacation time, budget and two very young kids.

-The idea of going on vacation with friends is appealing, and we have invited friends to vacation with us, but no one has ever been interested. I think that people have their own ideas of how they want to vacation/cost is a big factor, so it's probably just going to be the four of us on vacation. Which is fine, but I feel like it would be nice once in awhile to travel with other people too.

OP, I think you are not seeing the other persons perspective. Young children are exhausting to some older people. 60 is NOT just a number. There is also the responsibility angle. One "experienced" mom I went out with dropped my baby into the bottom of the pool. It scared us all to death -- she did not remember how different it was to be 20 something with a baby compared to 60+ with a baby.

Some older people REALLY HATE both Disney and cruises. All that crowding, family friendly screaming children and so on.
Downtime-- we vacationed with a family once who wanted us to "interact" with them 24/7. We needed downtime -- doing nothing time. sitting in the hotel reading the newspaper time. Not exciting. But we have travelled all over the world and stayed at 5 star places -- it is still fun to just hang out. when your kids are a bit older, your parents will probably come around to some form of vacation. But you have to give people space. And don't be so judgmental about what they want to do. Hope this helps and GL.

[Anonymous]

NP here. DH and I are vacation snobs and admit it. Since our children were born we have only traveled to very nice high end all-inclusive resorts. You could invite your family to one of those and meet up for some activities during the week without the expectation of spending every minute together. The nice places have plenty to do for all ages on and excursions off. We will never stay at a beach house because I don't want to cook to clean on vacation. I also love my family but would not enjoy vacation with them or my ILs. There would be too much drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. DH and I are vacation snobs and admit it. Since our children were born we have only traveled to very nice high end all-inclusive resorts. You could invite your family to one of those and meet up for some activities during the week without the expectation of spending every minute together. The nice places have plenty to do for all ages on and excursions off. We will never stay at a beach house because I don't want to cook to clean on vacation. I also love my family but would not enjoy vacation with them or my ILs. There would be too much drama.

Also, we tried Disney and hated it. It was too crowded and even the "great" food wasn't good. We get much better in the city we live in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The cost isn't a factor. Our kids are 12 months and 3. We go to the beach for vacations because it's the easiest and most child-friendly vacation that both our kids like. Usually beach towns don't have name brand hotels such as the "Ritz." We usually stay in nice but family friendly hotels. They do like the beach, that's not the issue. It's just that they don't want to vacation in non-fancy places. If they were willing to vacation with us it would be a great way for them to see the kids more because it's too hard to go and visit them since my husband doesn't get much vacation time.

I have this dream of the big, warm, loving family vacations where we rent a big house at the beach and spend a fun week together. Sadly, that kind of vacation will never happen, not with my family and not with DH's either.

OP, I am approaching 50 and the absolute last thing I would want to do is vacation with an infant and a toddler.

OP I am 60 and same here. I would like to see the family, but staying at a beach house with 2 kids -- all that cooking, cleaning, baby sitting and sitting on the beach does not sound fun. Even a cruise is a bit low end for 5 star people. You need a great resort with a kid club -- and even then -- you do not know how much time old people spend sitting around -- something that toddlers abhor.

OP-your family lives on the west coast and visits you 2x per year for almost 1 week per visit. You could fly out to see them with the kids. I used to drive with mine to my parents and would much rather have been on a plane. With the ages of your kids-12 mos and 3 just how many outings and what do you expect? Your parents to take them to the Kennedy Center? It's your house and they are the guests. How much cleaning and cooking could they generate? Towels and sheets plus you're cooking anyway. Maybe they feel like they don't want to infringe on your home.

I really wouldn't want to fly here from LA then rent a car and drive 4-6 hours to a beach. Do a fly to beach like Jacksnville [Ponte vedre], Amelia Island, etc.

[Anonymous]

Just go visit your parents, OP. They don't want to vacation with you, and they have no obligation to.

[Anonymous]

Hahahahahaha. I love the people on here who are complaining about driving to their Inlaws and would rather take a plane. Flying out to the west coast is Horrible. Direct flights out of national are few and mostly red-eye. You're usually stuck connecting via JFK or Newark. Even worse, you might connect via Chicago. The last two times we flew out to see my husband's west coast family our flights were cancelled. United Airlines in particular were the worst. They tried to fly us to Newark (by NYC in New Jersey) and get us to drive 5 hours in a one way rental car at 4am on our own dime. No I would not recommend flying to the West Coast, especially in the winter under any circumstances. Plus OP's parents are rich- and they onlY pay for two tickets, not four.

I think you should give up on your idea of spending quality time with your parents. Boomer grandparents are the most selfish grandparents in recent history. They will focus on their needs always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just go visit your parents, OP. They don't want to vacation with you, and they have no obligation to.

And you think OP has an obligation to visit them?
The old hags have really taken over this corner of dcum.