Speechless

[Anonymous]

It was only make up. If it had been marker then I would be upset to the point of sending out a 3am email. Your daughter didn't talk a lot bc she was embarrassed. She is going to be teased at school.

[Anonymous]

I think if someone - even a middle schooler with a poorly developed sense of reason and consequences - stayed under my roof and proceeded to do shit to my kid while she was asleep, my GOD, I would be pissed.

This thread has become a magnet for gaslighters, since apparently it must be all OP's and the OP's daughter's fault for reacting in any way that would make the other kids or parents feel uncomfortable. Really, that's just messed up. I don't care if you call it a prank, or bullying, or a joke, you do not go into someone's house and mess with them while they're asleep. What happened to OP's daughter is weirdly hostile and creepy. I have every right to go to sleep in my bed in my own house and feel secure that people aren't going to physically mess with me or my kids. This is why people buy alarm systems, this is why there are multi-page threads on "should I answer the door at night if I'm not expecting anyone", and this is why Gavin de Becker is recommended all over these forums.

If someone else other than a middle school-aged mean girl did this, the PPs would be up in arms, if they had any sense. Why do the girls who come over as guests, ostensibly as friends of OP's kid, get a pass? I can't imagine that the posters who tell OP that she's overreacting would handle this calmly if it were their own child.

And you know what? The OP handled this very reasonably under the circumstances. I don't see anything wrong with emailing at 3 am. She didn't call the kids' parents. She didn't drop the girls off at their own houses at 3 am, as I would have been tempted to do. I let my kids fight their own battles for the most part, but if someone messes with them physically when they are completely vulnerable (like asleep), I can and will intervene. If it happens in my own house? Yes, I'm going to say something, and it's too bad if it makes someone uncomfortable.

It's interesting that the big boogeyman is OMG! OP's kid might be teased at school. Oh yes, let's never say anything when other kids step over the line lest our own kids be teased at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I know you are hurting, but you went a bit overboard. Next time something like this happens, take a few hours before you react.
Emailing the parents at 3:30? Telling them at drop off that this is an opportunity to teach our girls better behavior? Of course after you called them, they understood that.
I think you would have been better served to talk with your daughter the next day about coping strategies. You could have still discussed with the girls and parents the next day at drop off.

Soooo disagree- she handled it text book perfect! Bravo op!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was only make up. If it had been marker then I would be upset to the point of sending out a 3am email. Your daughter didn't talk a lot bc she was embarrassed. She is going to be teased at school.

Bullshit you must be the parent of a bully!What they did was wrong and hateful!

[Anonymous]

I find it funny that posters are up in arms about a 3am email. WTF? I get emails at all hours. It doesn't mean I read them as soon as they hit my inbox for goodness sakes. If someone is up at 3am and they email me, so what?

I think the OP handled it great and I wish I could say I would have the ability to be that assertive in such a situation.

But much like the majority of these posters on thread, I would likely wimp out, say oh well it was just a prank, take the girls home and at drop off just say there was some problems and thy were handled.

When I read all the "oh you over reacted", " oh you are a terrible mom - how dare you have chest pains from being upset that your daughter was hurt", it makes me think that posters are simply scared of the fact that they would not be able to deal with the situation. This is proved over and over because 75% of the posters who have swept it under the rug because it's easier and less scary.

[Anonymous]

For God's sake it was a joke! They didn't put hot grease or acid on her face. Kids play jokes on each other. They don't make the best decisions but neither did you when you were that age.

I get a kick out of the whining mom's who want to contact the school. The school? What the hell are they going to do?

Amazing what wimps we are raising.

[Anonymous]

If it were hot grease or acid, the police would get involved, you half-wit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For God's sake it was a joke! They didn't put hot grease or acid on her face. Kids play jokes on each other. They don't make the best decisions but neither did you when you were that age.

I get a kick out of the whining mom's who want to contact the school. The school? What the hell are they going to do?

Amazing what wimps we are raising.

For God's sake it's easier to say it's a joke than to actually deal with middle school girls and their parents in a direct, reasonable manner.

PP, you are the wimp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For God's sake it was a joke! They didn't put hot grease or acid on her face. Kids play jokes on each other. They don't make the best decisions but neither did you when you were that age.

I get a kick out of the whining mom's who want to contact the school. The school? What the hell are they going to do?

Amazing what wimps we are raising.

For God's sake it's easier to say it's a joke than to actually deal with middle school girls and their parents in a direct, reasonable manner.

PP, you are the wimp.

You have little kids don't you?

I deal with middle school girls and boys all the time. They are all idiots. Mine (and the OP's) included. I can gurantee you that the OP's kid has done stuff too. They all do because they are-- idiots. Talk to the girls, talk to the parents, move on. Next week it will be something else. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think posters here have little ability to empathize with a 6th grade girl.

According to OP, the sleepover girls took gloppy sparkle makeup and plopped it randomly all over her daughter's face. OP said it was in splotches -- on her forehead, her cheeks, her EYES?? her chin, her hair.

They totally smeared this girl. Putting stuff on her eyes?

Imagine for a moment someone doing this to your daughter, or to you, while you slept.

I think this is a very mean act. I do NOT think it is the same kind of "prank" as putting someone's hand in warm water while they sleep. Or even as putting lipstick on a boy, or writing something on someone's forehead.

When you deface someone's face like that, I think it is an act of aggression. "I hate her and I'm going to mark up her face" is what it feels like to me.

I am guessing that the chest pains OP felt were not directly a result of seeing her daughter's face all messed up, but were the anxiety she felt from feeling like her daughter was symbolically attacked.

I'm one who commented on mom's reaction. My DS has been bullied and harassed to the point of being suicidal. He's been attacked at school and his life threatened. Parents do their kids no good when they don't stay calm. Help her wash the gunk of, and get her back to sleep. Deal with it calmly in the AM. Even the speech to the girls went overboard IMO. Is it bullying? I guess that depends on the intent. Were they trying to pull a prank and blew it? Maybe. Were they trying to inflict harm in the form of a major upset? Perhaps. And THAT would equal bullying.

When parents can't deal with it, they aren't a help to their kids.

It actually still wouldn't. Bullying is "the repeated and habitual use of force, threat, or coercion to abuse, intimidate, or aggressively impose domination over others." Bullying is a pattern of behavior, not one action. Not all acts that are mean or aggressive are bullying.

I highly doubt this was bullying.

I get your "thought" on bullying, but when I was younger a boy drive twice over my Father's lawn to "teach me a lesson" and the first time felt threatening enough. He was at my home, destroying our property in a threatening way. Bullying doesn't have to be repeated to be taken seriously the first time.

[Anonymous]

When I was about 10, I had 4 or 5 girlfriends over for a sleepover, and they proceeded to ignore and ostracize me. It was awful. I went upstairs to my parents' room and told them about it.

It was the end of elementary school, and we talked about what makes for a good friend and the fact that in MS I'd meet lots of new kids and make friends based on shared interests, rather than just living in the same neighborhood. My parents let me stay with them as long as I wanted and said we could end the sleepover, if I wanted. But they also said that it was important to understand how to deal with kids' being mean and how to look at the big picture. I went back downstairs eventually and slept the night with the other girls. I honestly don't remember how the rest of it went; I think the fact that I didn't freak out probably took some of the fun out of being mean for the other girls.

But I will always remember how amazing it was that my parents balanced being supportive and loving with giving me perspective and teaching me how to deal with a difficult social situation myself. They took the same approach when I thought a teacher had treated me unfairly--said I should discuss my concerns with the teacher before they would intervene.

It's so hard to see your kid unhappy. I can't say with certainty what I would have done in OP's situation. But I hope that if I find myself in that situation one day I'll have the clarity of mind to handle it the way my parents did. Teaching kids to handle difficult situations is an invaluable gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, thanks for the update. I think you handled it well.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP the PP's that are saying you overreacted are the same PP's who probably think it is okay if DD has friends whose parents smoke weed. I think you handled it well. The reason OP was so upset was because her daughter's two best friends ganged up on her at a sleep over.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised that in eight pages of posts, no one has commented how weird it was that the girls ganged up on OP's daughter in her own home. I was both the victim and perpetrator of pranks in middle school, but you never targeted the kid who was having the party--because back then, everyone was a little afraid of other peoples' parents.

I won't speak to my opinion OP's response. But if a girl did this to my child in my home, that's a huge sign of disrespect not just to my DD but to me.

To save my DD, I might have handled it more calmly, but those girls would not have been invited back. Ever.

It happens. I had a dozen girls at my house for a Girl Scout thing and they pulled my training bra out of the dresser and threw it around the room. All of them participated. I was super upset, mostly because the training bra was nothing but a wishful-thinking accessory at that point. My mom got them out of the room, calmed me down, and took me outside to continue the activity. They all felt a little guilty and a little afraid my mom would tell their parents, but she didn't and I sure didn't want her to! I think my mother handled it very well.

[Anonymous]

9:20 again. Thank god cell phones and social media didn't exist then. I can just picture my little training bra on Snap Chat or Instagram.