Buying a first home - did you get the downpayment from your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were trying to buy at the same time my inlaws were downsizing, so they gave us some of the profit from their sell--about 50k. My side of the family does not have a the attitude (or money) to do that, so at first I really pushed against it. But, I don't know, my thinking has softened. It's more like a cycle, you know? They want us to feel stable so we stay close and they can see their grandkids. It also loosens up money so we can save for our kids college and help them out. And I feel obligated in a familial sense to take care of them in their old age (which can equal some serious $$$). And it was not coming from a handout sense, but from more of this being "our turn" to raise a family. I don't know. I think unless you come from some serious money, it's always going to be complictaed to figure out how to live in the place like DC.

I feel the same way. My parents helped us to ease some stress, allow us to save more for college and to be closer to them so they could see their grandkids more. It wasn't extravagant but enough so that we didn't have to live so strictly that it impeded our enjoyment of life. We are truly grateful and they love having us close.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I saved $140K for our down payment which included $12K from our parents combined. We didn't have a wedding And I think it was money they would have otherwise given us for that. Not expected but certainly appreciated.

[Anonymous]

I think the PP has nailed it about it being a cycle. I received family help twice (#1 house was a loan with interest, #2 house was a gift, and both were in the six figures). However, I am fairly frugal, and in my late 30s, and I still live with housemates (partly because I like having people around, and partly because I think it's a frugal thing to do). I didn't ask for or expect this help, and the second time I had a particularly hard time accepting it because it was a gift, not a loan, and because I had a lot of pride about doing things on my own.

In the end, I realized that refusing the gift would only mean that I am prideful and unwilling to accept help when offered (a trait I do tend to struggle with). It was also very clear when they extended help to me that it was an act of love on their part, and that it would bring them a lot of joy -- and it has. And it also was a question of receive it now or receive it later, which after I thought about it, didn't make a whole lot of difference.

Just because you receive some family help doesn't mean you are always spoiled and entitled. Would you judge and look down on someone whose parents offered to watch their kids and provide free daycare? Would you say, wow, they are so spoiled and entitled! No, you'd say, wow, that is so kind and such a blessing, what a gift! Why is getting help with a home any different?

[Anonymous]

Bought a house at 29/32 (me, hubs). We had enough for down payment on our own (10%) on a $750k house and parents have us a few thousand for furniture as housewarming gifts. We also have student loans. Make about 100k each, lived way beneath our means for years

[Anonymous]

Not a single one of our friends, even those the closest to us know our second house was gift from my parents. It's a very modest house just outside the beltway, so nothing extravagant. Something we would have bought on our own if we hadn't been horribly upside down on our first house in the outer burbs. My parents gifted each of us kids the same amount. Basically we got our inheritance early.
Why on earth would we share this info with anyone? I really don't understand why people share that info with their friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not a single one of our friends, even those the closest to us know our second house was gift from my parents. It's a very modest house just outside the beltway, so nothing extravagant. Something we would have bought on our own if we hadn't been horribly upside down on our first house in the outer burbs. My parents gifted each of us kids the same amount. Basically we got our inheritance early.
Why on earth would we share this info with anyone? I really don't understand why people share that info with their friends.

I have some friends who are an open book. They know my salary exactly, they know my networth, etc. I know theirs. Each year we compete for who can have the greatest net worth increase in % terms. He with the largest increase takes everyone out for dinner. It's silly, but fun, and frankly a decent way to motivate each other to save - while also comparing how we do. One guy has blown past us with his $600K a year no kids income - so we are thinking we need to adjust the formula a bit, but its cool.

[Anonymous]

I bought my first place (in 1999) for $97,000 (2 story, 2 BR 1.5 ba Condo) in Olney. I made less than $35K a year and was a single mom and saved the $3K down payment (3% FHA) on my own. No help from my parents. I eventually sold that and bought a house (using the proceeds and again, no help). When I met my husband, we both sold our houses (he had a townhouse in Germantown) and bought a place together with the money (we put about $350K down on a $950K house). All with no help from either of our folks. We paid for our own wedding as well.

[Anonymous]

OP--I was you. My parents felt like we were adults and didn't need that kind of help. Then they sort loudly wondered how this and that high school friend (bethesda area) could afford a house in Bethesda or Potomac or Chevy Chase on a teacher's salary or equivalent. My siblings and I would point out that their parents had given them the down payment or outright bought the houses. It took about a decade for my parents to acknowledge that maybe their course hadn't actually taught us any valuable lessons as they had to drive very long distances to see us and their grandchildren. I just think some parents are different and in my case, my parents think that being self-sufficient is very important. I actually agree but in this area, in this era, parents no longer cut kids off after high school or college. Some kids have parents paying for houses, cars, grandchildren's daycare/private school until the parents die. For parents who have that mind frame, the issue isn't about self-sufficiency, it is about helping out their kids and giving them every advantage. Having been raised by the "self-sufficiency is important" parents, I will be the other type if I can. THat is the lesson I learned. You can do it--save up, buy what you can in a good area and just plan to move later.

ALso, I bought a SFH at 28 by myself so I agree with some of the other posters who note that you aren't "young."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP--I was you. My parents felt like we were adults and didn't need that kind of help. Then they sort loudly wondered how this and that high school friend (bethesda area) could afford a house in Bethesda or Potomac or Chevy Chase on a teacher's salary or equivalent. My siblings and I would point out that their parents had given them the down payment or outright bought the houses. It took about a decade for my parents to acknowledge that maybe their course hadn't actually taught us any valuable lessons as they had to drive very long distances to see us and their grandchildren. I just think some parents are different and in my case, my parents think that being self-sufficient is very important. I actually agree but in this area, in this era, parents no longer cut kids off after high school or college. Some kids have parents paying for houses, cars, grandchildren's daycare/private school until the parents die. For parents who have that mind frame, the issue isn't about self-sufficiency, it is about helping out their kids and giving them every advantage. Having been raised by the "self-sufficiency is important" parents, I will be the other type if I can. THat is the lesson I learned. You can do it--save up, buy what you can in a good area and just plan to move later.

ALso, I bought a SFH at 28 by myself so I agree with some of the other posters who note that you aren't "young."

I'm not sure where you draw the line. I think that access to grandchildren makes sense.

But....last night DH and I had an argument about this. He is a GC and in the process of building 2 apartment buildings downtown. They are mostly studio and 1 bedrooms. He came home after talking with the owner who commented that the studios are renting for about $2400 and most of them are already signed for. The owner also commented that he believed that most people living in the building had their parents paying the rent. DH has a 19 yr son who has never worked a day in his life. He truly has no idea of what it takes to make a decent salary especially in this area. DH asked me how I would feel if we rented his son one of these apartments in a few years. And I lost my mind. If you can't pay the rent with your job, you don't get to live in the brand new apartment building with nice amenities. You get to live in a run down house shared with friends. I'm honestly scratching my head about this sense of having to take care of the kids once they move into adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP--I was you. My parents felt like we were adults and didn't need that kind of help. Then they sort loudly wondered how this and that high school friend (bethesda area) could afford a house in Bethesda or Potomac or Chevy Chase on a teacher's salary or equivalent. My siblings and I would point out that their parents had given them the down payment or outright bought the houses. It took about a decade for my parents to acknowledge that maybe their course hadn't actually taught us any valuable lessons as they had to drive very long distances to see us and their grandchildren. I just think some parents are different and in my case, my parents think that being self-sufficient is very important. I actually agree but in this area, in this era, parents no longer cut kids off after high school or college. Some kids have parents paying for houses, cars, grandchildren's daycare/private school until the parents die. For parents who have that mind frame, the issue isn't about self-sufficiency, it is about helping out their kids and giving them every advantage. Having been raised by the "self-sufficiency is important" parents, I will be the other type if I can. THat is the lesson I learned. You can do it--save up, buy what you can in a good area and just plan to move later.

ALso, I bought a SFH at 28 by myself so I agree with some of the other posters who note that you aren't "young."

I know it can suck not to have help, but how do you know your parents decision didn't shape you for the better

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP--I was you. My parents felt like we were adults and didn't need that kind of help. Then they sort loudly wondered how this and that high school friend (bethesda area) could afford a house in Bethesda or Potomac or Chevy Chase on a teacher's salary or equivalent. My siblings and I would point out that their parents had given them the down payment or outright bought the houses. It took about a decade for my parents to acknowledge that maybe their course hadn't actually taught us any valuable lessons as they had to drive very long distances to see us and their grandchildren. I just think some parents are different and in my case, my parents think that being self-sufficient is very important. I actually agree but in this area, in this era, parents no longer cut kids off after high school or college. Some kids have parents paying for houses, cars, grandchildren's daycare/private school until the parents die. For parents who have that mind frame, the issue isn't about self-sufficiency, it is about helping out their kids and giving them every advantage. Having been raised by the "self-sufficiency is important" parents, I will be the other type if I can. THat is the lesson I learned. You can do it--save up, buy what you can in a good area and just plan to move later.

ALso, I bought a SFH at 28 by myself so I agree with some of the other posters who note that you aren't "young."

This sounds very immature and whiny. I do sort of get the 'circle of life' argument that the PP made and definitely see grandparents wanting their grandchildren closer and helping with that. But you seriously don't see any benefit in teaching your kids to be self-sufficient? What if your parents didn't value self-sufficiency and your parents (like most) didn't have the money to help you? Isn't better that you are self-sufficient?

My husband and I have this debate all the time. We've worked hard, saved, purchased our own first house at 25 and our second at 28. My brother has done nothing - never worked ever, never graduated from college. My parents have funded everything for him including a nicer apartment than we ever had and take hmi on vacations all the time. It's disheartening and I admit that I feel jealous sometimes. But then I talk to him and as he's getting older (he's now 30), he's less and less happy with the situation. It was fun to have everything paid for when you're 21. Not so cute and fun when you're 30 and all your friends are settling down, moving up in their careers, etc, and you have nothing that is your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm still waiting to hear how someone finds out that several of their friends and acquaintances receive 500K for downpayments. Do these "friends" just drop that bit of information over drinks at the Club? Mention it while playing squash? Guess I'm just nosy, but my field of friends is pretty large and I've never been told by friends of any "gifting" from parents nor have I asked. Are they bragging when they mention this fact? And, yes, I still want to be adopted by someone on this thread - the prodigal daughter.

Not that poster but I'm amazed at how people with help talk about it, blog about it, etc. I wouldn't want to tell anyone if we had help ( which we do not). It kind of comes up at odd times but we have friend's who get groceries, vacations, air conditioners, clothing for kids and adults. It gets odd at times but that may be just my opinion since at 23 I paid for a good chunk of my very nice wedding by saving.

It's opinion too. Parents talk me never to talk about money. Not even to my kids because I don't want them repeating anything on the playground even tho, if disclosed, I would have said it is impolite to talk about money.

[Anonymous]

That should have been "parents told me". sorry.

[Anonymous]

I think you can achieve a balance between encouraging self-sufficiency and helping your kids, at least I think my parents did fairly well at that. I think their secret was making it clear that once I left college, I was on my own, though if it were a dire emergency I am sure they would have helped.

I grew up around here, always worked or interned in the summers. After college, I lived at home for about 9 months while paying rent to my parents and paying all my bills on my own. I was working on the Hill. For those 9 months, I saved up a small emergency fund and waited to find the right rental group house. I stayed in that group house, while still working on the Hill, still paying all my own bills (didn't even have a family cell phone plan) for about 3.5 years.

Then my parents loaned me $100K for my down payment (with interest) to buy my first house. That was their offer, and I never expected it in a million years as they have always been on the self-sufficiency side of the spectrum. At the time I bought, I was making 40K and I had two roommates join me in the house. Lived there with roommates for 11 years.

[Anonymous]

Nothing. Money was all mine, hard earned and saved, though to be fair when I bought my first house I needed a lot less down. Nonetheless when I was discussing my situation with my buyers agent, she very helpfully told me it was 'standard' to get down payment money from parents. She didn't seem to comprehend the fact that mine had none to give -- I pay half my parent's utility bills.
It can be done on your own!