Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?

[Anonymous]

I'd be open to an apology, but like the pp said, it would not be believable unless it was tied to some evidence of genuine remorse and change.

Luckily (or not) my DH carried on most of his affairs through chat so I have evidence of what the other women (plural) thought about what they were doing. Quite enlightening. My DH purposely chose really unattractive women whom he would never consider IRL and who would be desperate enough to be satisfied with being used. In a number of cases the women actually told him they purposely go after the husbands of attractive women because it gives them a kick to steal a man from a beautiful woman. I'd have a hard time with an apology from that kind of woman because they purposely went out to hurt me. In the other cases, you can see that the women truly thought they had a connection and that this would eventually turn into a real relationship. (DH is a skilled liar. Why do more OW not understand that if he'll lie to his wife he's lying to you?) I'm more inclined to accept an apology from those gals, provided they showed evidence that they really understand what they did and why and that they have closed the wounds that made them think that was an acceptable way to behave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an OW. I almost wish she would contact me sometimes so I could apologize. It was an EA yEars in the making. Was friends with the DH first, but I was friends with the family. I didn't really mean for it to escalate to that level and so many people got hurt. We were just stupid and got too close.

Being on the other end of this, your apology would mean nothing to me. You knew better, knew it went too far, and did nothing. Innocent peole were hurt for selfish reasons. You didn't do it alone, but honestly, I do hold women to a higher standard when it comes to this because we don't fall in love with our dick, we fall in love with our heart. We are well aware there is huge risk of someone being hurt and know its pretty much inevitable.

Would I work to forgive you? Yes. Would I tell you if I forgave you? No. You're not my priority. I refuse to let anger towards someone who isn't worth my time to consume me any more than absolutely necessary. Forgiving the other person is something I strive towards so I can be at peace with MY life.

If all you wronged wives wouldn't listen to an apology, why would an OW listen to your ranting? Makes no sense.

Wanting an apology and listening to an apology are too different things. I do not want her to apologize - I don't really care anything about her either way. Her apology would not help me in any way shape or form. But if she needed to apologize I would listen to it if it helped her move on with her life. Of course I am 10 years past the infidelity - very different than in the heat of it. I also would only want to listen to it if she had done a whole lot of work on her personal growth and this was a closure thing for her to move on to be a productive human being in society.

I did call the OW and I don't care what she wanted at the time - she entered my life on her terms and she left my life on my terms. It's as simple as that.

[Anonymous]

OW here. Why I didn't think he was insincere? I was friends with him for 12 years. It was a really vulnerable and scary time in my life and I had real feelings for him that stemmed from a long friendship. I just didn't want to think he'd do that w/o real feelings too. That's also why I never let it go to a physical affair. For some reason on my mind that meant we were not crossing the ultimate line.

As for the guilt factor, it would probably make me feel worse not better bc I'd actually have to see/hear her hurt.

[Anonymous]

I do think there could be a benefit to calling the other woman if it was at the emotional affair vs. physical affair phase. Who knows what the husband has been telling her, maybe that the marriage is ending, he's separating etc. If this isn't the case, I could see it being worthwhile to present the true situation to her.

[Anonymous]

If it is just a friendship, then join them.
If they are sleeping together, leave

I cannot believe the posts here, as if a man having another woman is ok or routine. To the wives who are posting: you are in an abusive relationship, and it is not healthy,

Just get out. You will be happier

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an OW. I almost wish she would contact me sometimes so I could apologize. It was an EA yEars in the making. Was friends with the DH first, but I was friends with the family. I didn't really mean for it to escalate to that level and so many people got hurt. We were just stupid and got too close.

Being on the other end of this, your apology would mean nothing to me. You knew better, knew it went too far, and did nothing. Innocent peole were hurt for selfish reasons. You didn't do it alone, but honestly, I do hold women to a higher standard when it comes to this because we don't fall in love with our dick, we fall in love with our heart. We are well aware there is huge risk of someone being hurt and know its pretty much inevitable.

Would I work to forgive you? Yes. Would I tell you if I forgave you? No. You're not my priority. I refuse to let anger towards someone who isn't worth my time to consume me any more than absolutely necessary. Forgiving the other person is something I strive towards so I can be at peace with MY life.

If all you wronged wives wouldn't listen to an apology, why would an OW listen to your ranting? Makes no sense.

Wanting an apology and listening to an apology are too different things. I do not want her to apologize - I don't really care anything about her either way. Her apology would not help me in any way shape or form. But if she needed to apologize I would listen to it if it helped her move on with her life. Of course I am 10 years past the infidelity - very different than in the heat of it. I also would only want to listen to it if she had done a whole lot of work on her personal growth and this was a closure thing for her to move on to be a productive human being in society.

I did call the OW and I don't care what she wanted at the time - she entered my life on her terms and she left my life on my terms. It's as simple as that.

Wronged wife here also. This is my initial response to the OW. I did call the OW that my husband had the affair with, but like the PP, it was to end that relationship on my terms. Also, if my calling her out on it makes her think twice about doing it again, that it was worth it. It was one of the hardest things that I had done in my life to that point but I knew it had to be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes - the stats are pathetic. You would look at my H and put him in the not a cheater column but guess what he did. Nobody know - it was a private matter.

If you add that to the other misfortunes of life you begin to understand the take it one day at a time way of life.

You take my frieds - late 40s - death, divorce, infadelity, illness, disability - it is very hard being an adult.

Add un/underemployment and problems with kids. Are you still married?

[Anonymous]

I think you would be surprised if you knew who was really cheating. Count as me as another wife who was cheated on - no one would ever imagine what we went through. We seem like a perfect happy couple and actually, we are now. But when the whole cheating thing was blowing up, we presented normally and didn't tell hardly anyone. Really you'd be shocked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OW here. Why I didn't think he was insincere? I was friends with him for 12 years. It was a really vulnerable and scary time in my life and I had real feelings for him that stemmed from a long friendship. I just didn't want to think he'd do that w/o real feelings too. That's also why I never let it go to a physical affair. For some reason on my mind that meant we were not crossing the ultimate line.

As for the guilt factor, it would probably make me feel worse not better bc I'd actually have to see/hear her hurt.

What happened with you guys? Did you break it off? Is he still with his wife? Did he want it to get physical?

[Anonymous]

You wronged wives don't get it. You don't get end "the relationship" your husband has with the OW, on your terms or otherwise. OW know you are angry and upset. Individual therapy would be a better use of your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you would be surprised if you knew who was really cheating. Count as me as another wife who was cheated on - no one would ever imagine what we went through. We seem like a perfect happy couple and actually, we are now. But when the whole cheating thing was blowing up, we presented normally and didn't tell hardly anyone. Really you'd be shocked.

Was it also a physical affair? How in the world did you get through this? How can you ever look at him the same way? I hear these stories about "my marriage is so much better because the affair made us realize we needed to communicate better", blah, blah, blah, but that is a hell of a way to realize you need to communicate better. Not saying I would definitely divorce if my husband fooled around, but it would just make me sick to know he was in bed with another woman and I could never completely trust him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OW here. Why I didn't think he was insincere? I was friends with him for 12 years. It was a really vulnerable and scary time in my life and I had real feelings for him that stemmed from a long friendship. I just didn't want to think he'd do that w/o real feelings too. That's also why I never let it go to a physical affair. For some reason on my mind that meant we were not crossing the ultimate line.

As for the guilt factor, it would probably make me feel worse not better bc I'd actually have to see/hear her hurt.

What happened with you guys? Did you break it off? Is he still with his wife? Did he want it to get physical?

We broke it off pretty much immediately, which was painful. We've not really spoken since, except maybe 2-3 emails checking in to see how we're doing with our respective spouses. That was about 6 months ago. They are still together. And I am still with my DH. We both wanted to get physical, but didn't because we refused to take it that far, but we talked about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You wronged wives don't get it. You don't get end "the relationship" your husband has with the OW, on your terms or otherwise. OW know you are angry and upset. Individual therapy would be a better use of your time.

Yes - you just say - her or me and he says bye bye to the OW. If you are an OW and he picked you well I am sure he told you that but she kicked him out and never gave him a choice. It is really up to the wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you reached out to talk with anyone about this or made a decision to confront him?

I am the OP. I have confronted my dh a handful of times since I found out 2 months ago. He insists that they are just friends and I am just jealous; he says he is trying to help her with her failed relationship with her prior boyfriend. He feels sorry for her because she is divorced, lonely, and didn't get a cent from her ex-husband.

There was sexual context in their prior discussion, too. This 2nd time that I read their chat, there was additional content. They discuss her ex-boyfriend and the EA and my dh just added random comments about "giving you a good fuck sometime" and "lick your body".

Every 2-4 days, I am on this emotional roller coaster. I feel fine one day and then the next, I am so teary, like yesterday.

Pp here...yes I read about you seeing the sexual posts. What is your plan? I know its difficult and you are processing this but you gotta get yourself together and figure out what to do. If you dont you will get more depressed and and/ or angry and everything will get out of control.

You also need to bite this in the ass now because it sounds like he might be getting physical with her.

Can you make copies or forward the chats to yourself? When and how do you want to confront him? Have you been able to confide in a friend. I know its hard but you gotta start to think of a plan!

I have a copy of the first chat but not the second. I have confided in a former co-worker whose husband also cheated on her last year.

He says he needs a social life. I said, I'm fine with him having a social life but not with the EA.

Is there a way to forward chats from Skype?

If nothing else, can you just send yourself a screen shot of it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes - the stats are pathetic. You would look at my H and put him in the not a cheater column but guess what he did. Nobody know - it was a private matter.

If you add that to the other misfortunes of life you begin to understand the take it one day at a time way of life.

You take my frieds - late 40s - death, divorce, infadelity, illness, disability - it is very hard being an adult.

Add un/underemployment and problems with kids. Are you still married?

I was on my phone so I could have added a whole host of things. Rebuilding when the H wants to is way easier than some of the other things my friends have faced. Just kick him to the curb sounds really easy but not after you talk to lawyers, theapists and child psycologist.

Yes we are still married oh - yea kids - 2 with mild special needs and aging parents. It's the American Dream! But I am better off than most so I try not to complain.

I meditate. Namaste!