Tween Daughter is driving us nuts about spending

[Anonymous]

Must really blow the budget to suddenly need an outfit for the holiday concert or family wedding. Will the parents crack open the wallet or make the girl take all the neighbors trash cans out first to earn it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

Parents' budgets are their own decisions. They can provide whatever brand of clothing they want. If the kids don't like it, too bad. They can spend their own money.

That’s some dysfunctional authoritarian parenting. Hope it works out for you!

+100

These are the same people who refuse to pay for college, despite having the funds. Or make their kids take loans for “skin in the game.”

What's actually dysfunctional is the posters who think everyone has to make the same parenting decisions you do. I'm not a "skin in the game" parent if it takes loans because I dislike loans more than I like skin in the game, but I certainly respect other parents' different preferences if they have different life experiences and values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

Parents' budgets are their own decisions. They can provide whatever brand of clothing they want. If the kids don't like it, too bad. They can spend their own money.

That’s some dysfunctional authoritarian parenting. Hope it works out for you!

+100

These are the same people who refuse to pay for college, despite having the funds. Or make their kids take loans for “skin in the game.”

What's actually dysfunctional is the posters who think everyone has to make the same parenting decisions you do. I'm not a "skin in the game" parent if it takes loans because I dislike loans more than I like skin in the game, but I certainly respect other parents' different preferences if they have different life experiences and values.

It’s hard to respect the idea that parents make all the decisions such as “all the clothes will come from Target and the kids better like it!” When it’s easy to shop sales, used promo codes and get good deals elsewhere on name brand kids clothes. When your preferences and values seem to be about exerting control and dominance because it’s your money, it doesn’t send the message you think it does.

[Anonymous]

You have failed at parenting. Rein her in now or you will have a bigger problem later in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wading in...

I'm a grandparent. When my D was 11, she cared about clothes a lot more than I did. Now she's middle aged and she STILL cares more about clothes than I do. I don't think I failed to instill my "values"--at least on this issue; we just have different priorities. It's like eating out in pricier restaurants. For some people, it's a waste. Others are really "foodies." Or it might be about how much to spend on a car. IOW, it's about choices and I think it's wrong and unfair to insist that your kids have to end up with the same preferences as you have. (I don't think it's a crime of moral turpitude if someone likes to spend a lot on clothing but in future years is perfectly happy taking more modest vacations and sending their kids to public schools.)

We went the budget route. But I disagree with the folks that want to hand the daughter a budget. I think you negotiate it. For example, when I told my daughter what I thought was reasonable, she asked for deductions and reallocations. So, she said she didn't want underwear to be part of her budget. She was willing to have what I thought was a reasonable amount to spend on underwear deducted from the amount she received. She said if left to her own devices she'd be wearing 3 year old underwear that was much too small because she would blow the stuff on "what other people see." We also deducted standard school shoes--because she had no way of guessing how much and how fast her feet would grow. Again, my guess of cost deducted from budget. Same for winter coat.

She also asked to get 2 payments. One for back to school and one for spring/summer. She asked that the latter be the big one. She has a fall birthday and said between her birthday and Christmas she got some winter clothes and some spending money from relatives, but she didn't get those for spring/summer clothes. So, she wanted more money then.

Shortly thereafter she blew about a quarter of her spring/summer allowance on one outfit. I held my tongue and she wore that outfit to school 2-3 times a week....without complaint. I realized that i would rather have a greater variety of cheaper clothes, but she preferred fewer outfits which she "loved" and felt good in even if that meant the same things over and over. I noted within a year or two that she was less prone to spend as much on a single outfit. She learned the consequences to splurging on something. But there were times when she DID splurge. I might think the item was overpriced, but if that was the "in" thing was she needed to fit it or something she really loved, then she bought if for herself, knowing full well that meant she would not be able to buy as many other things.

That's a long winded way of saying I wouldn't go with the "you need 10 shirts, so you should average $x per shirt" model mentioned above. Maybe she'd be happier with 7 slightly more expensive shirts or with 15 cheaper ones--especially if she does her own laundry.

Bottom line: I don't think a 12 year old girl who wants "in" labels is necessarily a brat. Nor do I think she should be pushed to get a job. Nor do I think parents should be forced to disclose their entire financial situation. Just figure out a plan where you agree on how much money she can spend and which items will be included and then let her figure out how to spend it on individual items.

Good luck!

This is the best answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids get a budget for school clothes: $500 for the fall, $200 for a spring top up. They can spend it how they choose. They also get an allowance and can work around the house to earn more. What you daughter is actually asking for is more choice and independence.

Me again. I would not force my tween to wear things from target.

Same. Target is for elementary school children. Not high schoolers. Lululemon is expensive. There’s a lot in between. Try Brandy Melville, it’s inexpensive and girls usually like it.

I would give a budget $500, and let her get what she wants. Upgrade the backpack.

She's 13. My 17 yr old sometimes gets clothes from Target. Some of their stuff is cute. As to quality, a 13 yr old will outgrow their clothes by next year. It doesn't need to be expensive quality.

I wouldn't upgrade the backpack. What would that teach her? That whining and being bratty gets you what you want.

I am sorry your 17 year old wears Target.

Brandy Melville, for example, is not much more than Target, but cuter and what other 13 year olds wear.

As for bratty behavior, is she really bratty or just upset that she can’t wear what other girls are wearing. I sympathize with her. I agree that you don’t need to spend a lot of money.

I am sorry you are a snob and a label whore. My DD is beautiful, whatever she wears. Thankfully, we don't live in a snobby area. She does also have some BM clothes. IMO, it's just a label because the quality really isn't all that much better than some of the Target clothing. You're just paying for the name. That's what label whores do. People buy into it because it makes them feel better about themselves because they place value in superficial things.

I read a while ago about how art "experts" placed a high value on some painting when they were told it was done by some artist. Only, it turned out that a 5 year old did it. Those so called experts put a high value on it purely based on a label rather than quality.

We used to live in an area much wealthier than this area. We moved out of there before the kids demanded brand name labels and expensive cars like so many of the kids around that area got.

Your use of “whore” to describe parents who get their kids popular clothing is a defense mechanism. If your 17 year old is happy with Target, wonderful. If you live in an area where all teens wears Target, more power to you. This is not the case most places and likely isn’t the case for OP. There is a wide range of clothing available for OP’s child and most of it isn’t inexpensive. I don’t buy lululemon for my own child. But I will buy Brandy Melville, Pac Sun and similar brands because it’s what’s in trend. 13 year olds care about these things, for most families in the DMV they’re in-budget choices.

“Label/brand whore” is a common term that has been used for decades you doofus.

It’s actually not common. The fact that you use it freely is informative. Especially when describing normal teen brands.

It’s extremely common and has been for decades. I’d also love to read your explanation of what you *think* you’re saying (bolded).

You sound like an idiot.

[Anonymous]

This is a dangerous situation. If it isn’t handled correctly, she could run to OF @ 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

Parents' budgets are their own decisions. They can provide whatever brand of clothing they want. If the kids don't like it, too bad. They can spend their own money.

That’s some dysfunctional authoritarian parenting. Hope it works out for you!

What are you talking about? OP’s kid DOES get high end clothes and new items- sometimes. Just not everything and as frequently as she wants it. Are you suggesting it’s dysfunctional parenting to not give to every want of your teen, regardless of necessity and waste? That’s ridiculous. We have a very high HHI. I’m absolutely would not be buying a new backpack to replace the new backpack I bought a few months ago that kid picked out but decided it “isn’t her aesthetic” anymore. Give me a break and grow and backbone. Parent your kid to not be wasteful consumers

Nobody with actual HHI cares about a stupid backpack. It costs nothing in the big picture. If you're so bent out of shape because of some stupid clothes for a tween, you have mental issues. Normal people don't care about a few clothing items, because it keeps the mood good, helps the kid to fit in, they'll do well going to school and have good grades etc. etc. If you want, you wear Target clothes to your office and then cry later if you get fired, because you look like a slob. There goes your HHI.

Yes, even high income people care not spend money frivolously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

Parents' budgets are their own decisions. They can provide whatever brand of clothing they want. If the kids don't like it, too bad. They can spend their own money.

That’s some dysfunctional authoritarian parenting. Hope it works out for you!

+100

These are the same people who refuse to pay for college, despite having the funds. Or make their kids take loans for “skin in the game.”

What's actually dysfunctional is the posters who think everyone has to make the same parenting decisions you do. I'm not a "skin in the game" parent if it takes loans because I dislike loans more than I like skin in the game, but I certainly respect other parents' different preferences if they have different life experiences and values.

It’s hard to respect the idea that parents make all the decisions such as “all the clothes will come from Target and the kids better like it!” When it’s easy to shop sales, used promo codes and get good deals elsewhere on name brand kids clothes. When your preferences and values seem to be about exerting control and dominance because it’s your money, it doesn’t send the message you think it does.

Did you even read OP’s complaint? They literally bought her Lululemon clothes that she picked out but then she changed her mind and wanted different ones once she found out they were on sale.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

Parents' budgets are their own decisions. They can provide whatever brand of clothing they want. If the kids don't like it, too bad. They can spend their own money.

That’s some dysfunctional authoritarian parenting. Hope it works out for you!

+100

These are the same people who refuse to pay for college, despite having the funds. Or make their kids take loans for “skin in the game.”

What's actually dysfunctional is the posters who think everyone has to make the same parenting decisions you do. I'm not a "skin in the game" parent if it takes loans because I dislike loans more than I like skin in the game, but I certainly respect other parents' different preferences if they have different life experiences and values.

It’s hard to respect the idea that parents make all the decisions such as “all the clothes will come from Target and the kids better like it!” When it’s easy to shop sales, used promo codes and get good deals elsewhere on name brand kids clothes. When your preferences and values seem to be about exerting control and dominance because it’s your money, it doesn’t send the message you think it does.

Did you even read OP’s complaint? They literally bought her Lululemon clothes that she picked out but then she changed her mind and wanted different ones once she found out they were on sale.

Her parents are cheap but want her to fit in around wealthy people. That is the problem. She should go to school with peers who match her economically that would help. Op, there is nothing wrong with the school but if you aren't putting in the work to make her fit in that is a waste.

I went to a really expensive school on scholarship and did not fit in. You have to be super strong In that setting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

Parents' budgets are their own decisions. They can provide whatever brand of clothing they want. If the kids don't like it, too bad. They can spend their own money.

That’s some dysfunctional authoritarian parenting. Hope it works out for you!

+100

These are the same people who refuse to pay for college, despite having the funds. Or make their kids take loans for “skin in the game.”

What's actually dysfunctional is the posters who think everyone has to make the same parenting decisions you do. I'm not a "skin in the game" parent if it takes loans because I dislike loans more than I like skin in the game, but I certainly respect other parents' different preferences if they have different life experiences and values.

It’s hard to respect the idea that parents make all the decisions such as “all the clothes will come from Target and the kids better like it!” When it’s easy to shop sales, used promo codes and get good deals elsewhere on name brand kids clothes. When your preferences and values seem to be about exerting control and dominance because it’s your money, it doesn’t send the message you think it does.

Did you even read OP’s complaint? They literally bought her Lululemon clothes that she picked out but then she changed her mind and wanted different ones once she found out they were on sale.

There is zero chance she picked out the clothes OP bought. OP is not being truthful in that regard.

[Anonymous]

Op, your posts mention "her wants" a zillion times. Instead, it should be about you and "what you are willing to provide"

You have given her way too much power. Who should have the power? You should. Or you're a lousy parent. Take-back your rightful place as a parent, and be in charge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

Parents' budgets are their own decisions. They can provide whatever brand of clothing they want. If the kids don't like it, too bad. They can spend their own money.

That’s some dysfunctional authoritarian parenting. Hope it works out for you!

+100

These are the same people who refuse to pay for college, despite having the funds. Or make their kids take loans for “skin in the game.”

What's actually dysfunctional is the posters who think everyone has to make the same parenting decisions you do. I'm not a "skin in the game" parent if it takes loans because I dislike loans more than I like skin in the game, but I certainly respect other parents' different preferences if they have different life experiences and values.

It’s hard to respect the idea that parents make all the decisions such as “all the clothes will come from Target and the kids better like it!” When it’s easy to shop sales, used promo codes and get good deals elsewhere on name brand kids clothes. When your preferences and values seem to be about exerting control and dominance because it’s your money, it doesn’t send the message you think it does.

Kids clothes yes, but these are adult. This kid doesn’t want sake or clearance. I’m not spending more on my kid and clothing than mine. And, I would shut this down quickly. And I’m a parent who spends thousands a month on activities, camps, tutoring, private lessons and more. I will not think twice in dropping hundreds on something hobby related but I’m not spending $100 for pants or a shirt or even sneakers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

Parents' budgets are their own decisions. They can provide whatever brand of clothing they want. If the kids don't like it, too bad. They can spend their own money.

That’s some dysfunctional authoritarian parenting. Hope it works out for you!

+100

These are the same people who refuse to pay for college, despite having the funds. Or make their kids take loans for “skin in the game.”

What's actually dysfunctional is the posters who think everyone has to make the same parenting decisions you do. I'm not a "skin in the game" parent if it takes loans because I dislike loans more than I like skin in the game, but I certainly respect other parents' different preferences if they have different life experiences and values.

It’s hard to respect the idea that parents make all the decisions such as “all the clothes will come from Target and the kids better like it!” When it’s easy to shop sales, used promo codes and get good deals elsewhere on name brand kids clothes. When your preferences and values seem to be about exerting control and dominance because it’s your money, it doesn’t send the message you think it does.

Kids clothes yes, but these are adult. This kid doesn’t want sake or clearance. I’m not spending more on my kid and clothing than mine. And, I would shut this down quickly. And I’m a parent who spends thousands a month on activities, camps, tutoring, private lessons and more. I will not think twice in dropping hundreds on something hobby related but I’m not spending $100 for pants or a shirt or even sneakers.

The goal posts keep moving. First it was Target or nothing now it’s well, up to $100. Seems like you talk the talk but don’t walk the walk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

Parents' budgets are their own decisions. They can provide whatever brand of clothing they want. If the kids don't like it, too bad. They can spend their own money.

That’s some dysfunctional authoritarian parenting. Hope it works out for you!

+100

These are the same people who refuse to pay for college, despite having the funds. Or make their kids take loans for “skin in the game.”

What's actually dysfunctional is the posters who think everyone has to make the same parenting decisions you do. I'm not a "skin in the game" parent if it takes loans because I dislike loans more than I like skin in the game, but I certainly respect other parents' different preferences if they have different life experiences and values.

It’s hard to respect the idea that parents make all the decisions such as “all the clothes will come from Target and the kids better like it!” When it’s easy to shop sales, used promo codes and get good deals elsewhere on name brand kids clothes. When your preferences and values seem to be about exerting control and dominance because it’s your money, it doesn’t send the message you think it does.

Kids clothes yes, but these are adult. This kid doesn’t want sake or clearance. I’m not spending more on my kid and clothing than mine. And, I would shut this down quickly. And I’m a parent who spends thousands a month on activities, camps, tutoring, private lessons and more. I will not think twice in dropping hundreds on something hobby related but I’m not spending $100 for pants or a shirt or even sneakers.

The goal posts keep moving. First it was Target or nothing now it’s well, up to $100. Seems like you talk the talk but don’t walk the walk.

I spend plenty and our biggest part of our budget goes to our kids as we have no mortgage and live under our means. I care more about them going debt free for college and grad school than them having a $$$ shirt they wear a dozen times.