Tween Daughter is driving us nuts about spending

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

Parents' budgets are their own decisions. They can provide whatever brand of clothing they want. If the kids don't like it, too bad. They can spend their own money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

Parents' budgets are their own decisions. They can provide whatever brand of clothing they want. If the kids don't like it, too bad. They can spend their own money.

That’s some dysfunctional authoritarian parenting. Hope it works out for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

Babysit, yard work, dog walk, mother's helper...

I have never seen a kid do those things and have never heard of someone hiring a 12 yr old to work. This is some DCUM fantasy.

I hired a 12 year old to watch my 5 year old child when I was WFH part time one summer. She was very engaged and creative. She brought activities with her, made cupcakes for July 4th, etc.. She had other babysitting/ mother's helpers jobs and an old school cell phone for texting to schedule. All her mom did was drive and that was only if we weren't picking her up from the pool after swim team.

[Anonymous]

Wading in...

I'm a grandparent. When my D was 11, she cared about clothes a lot more than I did. Now she's middle aged and she STILL cares more about clothes than I do. I don't think I failed to instill my "values"--at least on this issue; we just have different priorities. It's like eating out in pricier restaurants. For some people, it's a waste. Others are really "foodies." Or it might be about how much to spend on a car. IOW, it's about choices and I think it's wrong and unfair to insist that your kids have to end up with the same preferences as you have. (I don't think it's a crime of moral turpitude if someone likes to spend a lot on clothing but in future years is perfectly happy taking more modest vacations and sending their kids to public schools.)

We went the budget route. But I disagree with the folks that want to hand the daughter a budget. I think you negotiate it. For example, when I told my daughter what I thought was reasonable, she asked for deductions and reallocations. So, she said she didn't want underwear to be part of her budget. She was willing to have what I thought was a reasonable amount to spend on underwear deducted from the amount she received. She said if left to her own devices she'd be wearing 3 year old underwear that was much too small because she would blow the stuff on "what other people see." We also deducted standard school shoes--because she had no way of guessing how much and how fast her feet would grow. Again, my guess of cost deducted from budget. Same for winter coat.

She also asked to get 2 payments. One for back to school and one for spring/summer. She asked that the latter be the big one. She has a fall birthday and said between her birthday and Christmas she got some winter clothes and some spending money from relatives, but she didn't get those for spring/summer clothes. So, she wanted more money then.

Shortly thereafter she blew about a quarter of her spring/summer allowance on one outfit. I held my tongue and she wore that outfit to school 2-3 times a week....without complaint. I realized that i would rather have a greater variety of cheaper clothes, but she preferred fewer outfits which she "loved" and felt good in even if that meant the same things over and over. I noted within a year or two that she was less prone to spend as much on a single outfit. She learned the consequences to splurging on something. But there were times when she DID splurge. I might think the item was overpriced, but if that was the "in" thing was she needed to fit it or something she really loved, then she bought if for herself, knowing full well that meant she would not be able to buy as many other things.

That's a long winded way of saying I wouldn't go with the "you need 10 shirts, so you should average $x per shirt" model mentioned above. Maybe she'd be happier with 7 slightly more expensive shirts or with 15 cheaper ones--especially if she does her own laundry.

Bottom line: I don't think a 12 year old girl who wants "in" labels is necessarily a brat. Nor do I think she should be pushed to get a job. Nor do I think parents should be forced to disclose their entire financial situation. Just figure out a plan where you agree on how much money she can spend and which items will be included and then let her figure out how to spend it on individual items.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

Babysit, yard work, dog walk, mother's helper...

I have never seen a kid do those things and have never heard of someone hiring a 12 yr old to work. This is some DCUM fantasy.

I hired a 12 year old to watch my 5 year old child when I was WFH part time one summer. She was very engaged and creative. She brought activities with her, made cupcakes for July 4th, etc.. She had other babysitting/ mother's helpers jobs and an old school cell phone for texting to schedule. All her mom did was drive and that was only if we weren't picking her up from the pool after swim team.

I mean I was babysitting infants as an 11 year old back in the day, but it's really difficult for tweens to get hired for much of anything nowadays. Unless you have a close family friend or something, even for simple yard work, most people don't want kids that young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

Parents' budgets are their own decisions. They can provide whatever brand of clothing they want. If the kids don't like it, too bad. They can spend their own money.

That’s some dysfunctional authoritarian parenting. Hope it works out for you!

What are you talking about? OP’s kid DOES get high end clothes and new items- sometimes. Just not everything and as frequently as she wants it. Are you suggesting it’s dysfunctional parenting to not give to every want of your teen, regardless of necessity and waste? That’s ridiculous. We have a very high HHI. I’m absolutely would not be buying a new backpack to replace the new backpack I bought a few months ago that kid picked out but decided it “isn’t her aesthetic” anymore. Give me a break and grow and backbone. Parent your kid to not be wasteful consumers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

Parents' budgets are their own decisions. They can provide whatever brand of clothing they want. If the kids don't like it, too bad. They can spend their own money.

How about you just don't have kids if someone has to tell you they need to wear CLOTHES. You'll save a ton of money by not procreating! If you're so cheap that Walmart or Target is all you can do, tie your tubes! Not everyone needs to spread their genes! If you're not able to provide, you don't have kids, instead of having kids and terrorizing them with your mental issues and cheapness. You think your kid will thank you? They will not. Obviously YOU cannot budget if you haven't figured out having kids is not cheap, as they have NEEDS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

Babysit, yard work, dog walk, mother's helper...

I have never seen a kid do those things and have never heard of someone hiring a 12 yr old to work. This is some DCUM fantasy.

I hired a 12 year old to watch my 5 year old child when I was WFH part time one summer. She was very engaged and creative. She brought activities with her, made cupcakes for July 4th, etc.. She had other babysitting/ mother's helpers jobs and an old school cell phone for texting to schedule. All her mom did was drive and that was only if we weren't picking her up from the pool after swim team.

I mean I was babysitting infants as an 11 year old back in the day, but it's really difficult for tweens to get hired for much of anything nowadays. Unless you have a close family friend or something, even for simple yard work, most people don't want kids that young.

It only takes a few people and I hired that girl just a few years ago. Also only had to pay her whatever low rate a 12-year old commanded. She got spending money. Everyone was happy. And I didn't know her in advance. She advertised at the pool bulletin board and I texted her and did a trial before committing.

Also OP's DD is almost 13. Next summer she'll be almost 14. I know a different kid who made and sold slime. Lots of teens teach swimming lessons at our pool. My 14 year old has talked to an elementary kid about teaching her how to play her instrument. It might be harder for kids to work these days, but it's not impossible.

[Anonymous]

You give them a budget, but the scope of their responsibility grows with age. A 12 year old with a budget for all of their clothes might not have shoes. You start with providing a reasonable base but no more and they get a discretionary budget. As they get older, their budget grows and the base shrinks, until hopefully they are capable of managing without any insane consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

Parents' budgets are their own decisions. They can provide whatever brand of clothing they want. If the kids don't like it, too bad. They can spend their own money.

That’s some dysfunctional authoritarian parenting. Hope it works out for you!

What are you talking about? OP’s kid DOES get high end clothes and new items- sometimes. Just not everything and as frequently as she wants it. Are you suggesting it’s dysfunctional parenting to not give to every want of your teen, regardless of necessity and waste? That’s ridiculous. We have a very high HHI. I’m absolutely would not be buying a new backpack to replace the new backpack I bought a few months ago that kid picked out but decided it “isn’t her aesthetic” anymore. Give me a break and grow and backbone. Parent your kid to not be wasteful consumers

Nobody with actual HHI cares about a stupid backpack. It costs nothing in the big picture. If you're so bent out of shape because of some stupid clothes for a tween, you have mental issues. Normal people don't care about a few clothing items, because it keeps the mood good, helps the kid to fit in, they'll do well going to school and have good grades etc. etc. If you want, you wear Target clothes to your office and then cry later if you get fired, because you look like a slob. There goes your HHI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

Parents' budgets are their own decisions. They can provide whatever brand of clothing they want. If the kids don't like it, too bad. They can spend their own money.

How about you just don't have kids if someone has to tell you they need to wear CLOTHES. You'll save a ton of money by not procreating! If you're so cheap that Walmart or Target is all you can do, tie your tubes! Not everyone needs to spread their genes! If you're not able to provide, you don't have kids, instead of having kids and terrorizing them with your mental issues and cheapness. You think your kid will thank you? They will not. Obviously YOU cannot budget if you haven't figured out having kids is not cheap, as they have NEEDS.

Give the phone back to your mom now, Brytleigh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

Parents' budgets are their own decisions. They can provide whatever brand of clothing they want. If the kids don't like it, too bad. They can spend their own money.

That’s some dysfunctional authoritarian parenting. Hope it works out for you!

What are you talking about? OP’s kid DOES get high end clothes and new items- sometimes. Just not everything and as frequently as she wants it. Are you suggesting it’s dysfunctional parenting to not give to every want of your teen, regardless of necessity and waste? That’s ridiculous. We have a very high HHI. I’m absolutely would not be buying a new backpack to replace the new backpack I bought a few months ago that kid picked out but decided it “isn’t her aesthetic” anymore. Give me a break and grow and backbone. Parent your kid to not be wasteful consumers

I object to your my way or the highway zero input clothing philosophy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You give them a budget, but the scope of their responsibility grows with age. A 12 year old with a budget for all of their clothes might not have shoes. You start with providing a reasonable base but no more and they get a discretionary budget. As they get older, their budget grows and the base shrinks, until hopefully they are capable of managing without any insane consequences.

I don't put shoes in the main budget, but I decide a reasonable amount per pair of shoes and they can upgrade with their own money if they want. I do this with the book fair, vacation souvenirs, whatever. Budgeting is a good skill to learn and the mistakes they make at tween ages are low stakes while teaching a lifelong skill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

But she has two miserly parents who only want the cheapest discount clothes from Target or elsewhere. Daughter probably feels like she sticks out like a sore thumb in her school environment. Why would the parents do that to her? They aren’t going to force her to see it their way. I had a friend who resorted to shoplifting because her parents were so unreasonable and ridiculously cheap and she was ashamed of her old out of style clothes.

NP. Did a 13 yo write this? OP’s kid is not deprived. She has lululemon, for cryin’ out loud. My kids have not behaved this way (fwiw, they attend economically diverse schools, and we do not overspend and are comfortable but not rich). I never behaved this way. One of my brothers wanted name brand stuff. My parents told him he could have it as birthday & Christmas presents. He ended up finding it boring to get nothing but clothes for Christmas, but OP’s kid might like it.

OP, you are doing the right thing by not giving in to shallow materialism. I agree with others that if she can earn money, or even save up a reasonable allowance, she can buy stuff for herself. Or get those kinds of things as gifts.

It’s not just about how much money you have, but also making good financial decisions (& not being wasteful). For example, even if I had several million dollars, I’m not going to pay $10 for a loaf of bread if can get it for $3 somewhere else.

Yes because 12 yr olds really care about taking good financial decisions. One would argue sending her to a wealthy private school isn't a good financial decision. She didn't choose to be there. And then her parents are jerks about buying her normal clothes.

They don't have to care about it. They're not paying the bills, their parents are, so parents decide what to buy. Princess can get a job if she doesn't like it.

There are things like labor laws to prevent 12 year old “princesses” from getting jobs. Get real.

She can save up allowance, ask for things for birthday/ holiday gifts until she's old enough to get a job. Children do not get to make financial decisions for their parents.

NP. Are you suggesting 12 year olds save money to buy their own clothing? You are crazy. That is your job. You buy what you can afford. If your budget only allows for Walmart, then so be it, although I would encourage you to use birthdays and Christmas to buy special wish list items your young teen may want. If, on the other hand, your budget allows for mall brands, then do that for godsakes. This isn’t difficult.

Parents' budgets are their own decisions. They can provide whatever brand of clothing they want. If the kids don't like it, too bad. They can spend their own money.

That’s some dysfunctional authoritarian parenting. Hope it works out for you!

+100

These are the same people who refuse to pay for college, despite having the funds. Or make their kids take loans for “skin in the game.”