Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ROFR is an invitation for conflict. He knows when you travel, you know when he travels, inevitably someone holds the parent’s work schedule over their head. My sister’s ex was so vindictive about ROFR that she ended up having to leave her (well-paid) job with quarterly overnight travel, to take something much lower paid with less travel. The court did not impute income, so child support went up.

I would leave it out completely. But if you need to put it in:

1. I would allow grandparent care before ROFR kicks in (assuming the relationship with the child is good and grandma is competent). Routine is important for kids, friends, schools, coaches, etc. If Larla usually sleeps at Mom’s house on Tuesday night, I would try to keep Larla sleeping at Mom’s house on Tuesday nights, even if that means Grandma is the adult in the house.
2. I would require mandatory swap time for work travel, within 30 days. So if Dad has Wednesday/Thursday, and he has to travel, and mom takes ROFR, Dad should get the next Monday/Tuesday. You want to incentivize both parents to achieve their full earning capacity, and courts really want kids to have regular access to both parents. If the travel becomes excessive (ie, Dad is missing weeks of parenting at a time, despite offered swaps), then you look at the parenting schedule.
3. I would not require swap time for personal travel on a 50/50 schedule. Dad can schedule his trips with his new girlfriend on his time.
4. Eventually there might be stepparents. I personally would not add stepparents to list of pre-ROFR list unless both parents agree. I think it opens up too much risk (mostly of accusation and conflict, but also perhaps harm).
5. Set your ROFR hours for overnights: six hours between 10 pm and 6 am, similar. You want to be able to get a short-term sitter (or stepparent in this case) if you have a work dinner or early meeting, without disrupting the child’s schedule. You also don’t want to fight about if before/after school care or activities count as being unable to parent.
6. Set an age at which this expires, probably around 16.
7. Set an exclusion for sleepovers and summer sleep away camp after age 10 (or whatever you are comfortable with). You want your child to be able to attend sleepaway camp if that’s what they want to do, without the other parent saying they will take the kid that week, since you are unable.

Basically, ROFR kicks in when the custodial parent or grandparent is unable to care for the child for six hours between 10 pm and 6 am because of work travel, until the child is 16. Sleepovers, sports/activity travel, and summer camp for the child does not require ROFR.

I disagree with the compensating time unless OP wants that. Dad here is pushing an unrealistic schedule because he knows he travels regularly for work. Compensating time would be destabilizing for the kids and make it hard for OP to plan. The better result would be dad getting a smaller amount of custody time to reflect that his job requirements are incompatible with 50% custody.

Sure. But digging in costs OP money. Just propose something with reasonable and explicit boundaries and move on. Give him a chance to fail and then go back for modification.

That’s a really dumb plan. The standard for modification is high in most jurisdictions and that will cost more money than just negotiating assertively at this point. OP’s proposal WOULD be reasonable- what is unreasonable is her ex.

What is OP’s proposal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to him about it and offer to change parenting days when he travels. If its not ok his mom care for the kids, why is it ok yours care when she's not doing well herself and cannot actually care for the kids. You both need a real and realistic back up plan.

Mine doesn’t even live with us and wouldn’t care for DC. DC is 8. I’m just imagining a future when DC is 13 and my mom has moved in and DC can’t stay home “alone” like a normal 13 year old for a few hours because they would be technically in the house with my mom so DH could trigger ROFR.

Would DH be likely to come pick DC up for those two hours? If it's really just a couple of hours, I doubt it. If it's longer than that, it seems reasonable that he gets right of first refusal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to him about it and offer to change parenting days when he travels. If its not ok his mom care for the kids, why is it ok yours care when she's not doing well herself and cannot actually care for the kids. You both need a real and realistic back up plan.

Mine doesn’t even live with us and wouldn’t care for DC. DC is 8. I’m just imagining a future when DC is 13 and my mom has moved in and DC can’t stay home “alone” like a normal 13 year old for a few hours because they would be technically in the house with my mom so DH could trigger ROFR.

Would DH be likely to come pick DC up for those two hours? If it's really just a couple of hours, I doubt it. If it's longer than that, it seems reasonable that he gets right of first refusal.

ROFR would kick in because OP can’t care for her child. Her mother’s presence is irrelevant.

But normally ROFR is specific to overnights or longer stretches of time, not a few hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends on where OP lives/case is. Many places presume 50/50 and a parent traveling for work won't be held against them if they make childcare arrangements. That arrangement may be the other parent (if they are available and willing) or the mil, or whomever they choose.

This is where ROFR comes in. If they have it, then OP would be the first choice for childcare when ex is traveling-if she is willing. If she isn't, then he can have whomever he chooses caring for dc in his absence.

If OP lives where 50/50 isn't the norm, then there may be a custody battle. She should probably consult a few lawyers in her area to assess her case.

Please cite case law or statute showing that a parent being regularly out of town during their custody time “won’t be held against them.” In DC the statute specifically says the judge can take into account the demands of parental employment.

[Anonymous]

OP hasn't said she's in DC. Feel free to google-I'm not doing your legwork.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP hasn't said she's in DC. Feel free to google-I'm not doing your legwork.

DC is just one example. You’re the one who made the assertion so you need to support it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP hasn't said she's in DC. Feel free to google-I'm not doing your legwork.

DC is just one example. You’re the one who made the assertion so you need to support it.

What exact place are you looking for? MD? FL? Alaska? Can you be more specific?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:OP you and your ex seem very similar in terms of being spiteful people who care more about winning than your child. It doens't seem either parent is really focused on the child - both are too caught up in getting back at the other.

Keep fighting and being spiteful and nasty and he will be the same in return and you can both continually focus on all the wrong things and forget there is a child in the middle of this who you are both prepared to drag around and ruin any stability he has to prove your own points and to be right. You don't come across as a better person or parent than your ex in any way.

Come to my house a year ago, listen to him scream at my child, go through discovery and look at his financial deception, and then maybe be there the day he had me served out of nowhere in person in front of our child.

Those details were really not helpful when I was just trying to get advice about how family caregiving and custody work, but they are now when people are going late night angry troll on me.

If he was such an awful parent, you should have left him years ago. But then again all these extra “facts” are likely lies to get more people to side with your POV.

Bolded above is the classic ignorant dumb comment and viewpoint from people who have ZERO clue about the dynamics of being in an abusive relationship. Take your ignorance elsewhere, PP.

STFU. OP started this thread wanting to control her ex and what he does with his custody. When she didn’t get the support she expected she decided to start bread crumbing details to gain more sympathy. There’s no abuse here, just someone scorned that her ex surprised her with a divorce.

I am the PP you are responding to and you continue to double down on your ignorance. Gaslighting too. You're a real jerk, it seems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP hasn't said she's in DC. Feel free to google-I'm not doing your legwork.

DC is just one example. You’re the one who made the assertion so you need to support it.

What exact place are you looking for? MD? FL? Alaska? Can you be more specific?

I’m not the one making the claim and OP hasn’t said where she is. So discussing the DC law seems reasonable. The person who claimed that the DH’s work travel is irrelevant should back that statement up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP hasn't said she's in DC. Feel free to google-I'm not doing your legwork.

DC is just one example. You’re the one who made the assertion so you need to support it.

What exact place are you looking for? MD? FL? Alaska? Can you be more specific?

I’m not the one making the claim and OP hasn’t said where she is. So discussing the DC law seems reasonable. The person who claimed that the DH’s work travel is irrelevant should back that statement up.

The PP said that, depending on where the OP lives, the work travel may not matter as far as custody. It really is dependent on where they are, which has not been disclosed. A quick Google search would be helpful to you, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP hasn't said she's in DC. Feel free to google-I'm not doing your legwork.

DC is just one example. You’re the one who made the assertion so you need to support it.

What exact place are you looking for? MD? FL? Alaska? Can you be more specific?

I’m not the one making the claim and OP hasn’t said where she is. So discussing the DC law seems reasonable. The person who claimed that the DH’s work travel is irrelevant should back that statement up.

The PP said that, depending on where the OP lives, the work travel may not matter as far as custody. It really is dependent on where they are, which has not been disclosed. A quick Google search would be helpful to you, PP.

NP. I’m in Virginia. Pre-divorce, my (then-) husband was gone 3-4 nights/weekends a week. While divorcing, he said he had changed his schedule to accommodate 50/50. As soon as the ink was dry, he went back to the old schedule, but did move things around so he was on overnight travel on my custodial nights.

Which is to say, pre-divorce behavior isn’t nearly as relevant as we might want it to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP hasn't said she's in DC. Feel free to google-I'm not doing your legwork.

DC is just one example. You’re the one who made the assertion so you need to support it.

What exact place are you looking for? MD? FL? Alaska? Can you be more specific?

I’m not the one making the claim and OP hasn’t said where she is. So discussing the DC law seems reasonable. The person who claimed that the DH’s work travel is irrelevant should back that statement up.

The PP said that, depending on where the OP lives, the work travel may not matter as far as custody. It really is dependent on where they are, which has not been disclosed. A quick Google search would be helpful to you, PP.

No, there is no “quick google search” that supports that. On the other hand there is specific DC code (and likely in other states) that contradicts it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP hasn't said she's in DC. Feel free to google-I'm not doing your legwork.

DC is just one example. You’re the one who made the assertion so you need to support it.

What exact place are you looking for? MD? FL? Alaska? Can you be more specific?

I’m not the one making the claim and OP hasn’t said where she is. So discussing the DC law seems reasonable. The person who claimed that the DH’s work travel is irrelevant should back that statement up.

The PP said that, depending on where the OP lives, the work travel may not matter as far as custody. It really is dependent on where they are, which has not been disclosed. A quick Google search would be helpful to you, PP.

NP. I’m in Virginia. Pre-divorce, my (then-) husband was gone 3-4 nights/weekends a week. While divorcing, he said he had changed his schedule to accommodate 50/50. As soon as the ink was dry, he went back to the old schedule, but did move things around so he was on overnight travel on my custodial nights.

Which is to say, pre-divorce behavior isn’t nearly as relevant as we might want it to be.

Right - the key is he changed his schedule so he didn’t travel on his custodial nights, right? That is not OP’s situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:OP you and your ex seem very similar in terms of being spiteful people who care more about winning than your child. It doens't seem either parent is really focused on the child - both are too caught up in getting back at the other.

Keep fighting and being spiteful and nasty and he will be the same in return and you can both continually focus on all the wrong things and forget there is a child in the middle of this who you are both prepared to drag around and ruin any stability he has to prove your own points and to be right. You don't come across as a better person or parent than your ex in any way.

Come to my house a year ago, listen to him scream at my child, go through discovery and look at his financial deception, and then maybe be there the day he had me served out of nowhere in person in front of our child.

Those details were really not helpful when I was just trying to get advice about how family caregiving and custody work, but they are now when people are going late night angry troll on me.

If he was such an awful parent, you should have left him years ago. But then again all these extra “facts” are likely lies to get more people to side with your POV.

Bolded above is the classic ignorant dumb comment and viewpoint from people who have ZERO clue about the dynamics of being in an abusive relationship. Take your ignorance elsewhere, PP.

STFU. OP started this thread wanting to control her ex and what he does with his custody. When she didn’t get the support she expected she decided to start bread crumbing details to gain more sympathy. There’s no abuse here, just someone scorned that her ex surprised her with a divorce.

I am the PP you are responding to and you continue to double down on your ignorance. Gaslighting too. You're a real jerk, it seems.

Grow up. The only jerk is the one who has to resort to name calling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP hasn't said she's in DC. Feel free to google-I'm not doing your legwork.

DC is just one example. You’re the one who made the assertion so you need to support it.

What exact place are you looking for? MD? FL? Alaska? Can you be more specific?

I’m not the one making the claim and OP hasn’t said where she is. So discussing the DC law seems reasonable. The person who claimed that the DH’s work travel is irrelevant should back that statement up.

The PP said that, depending on where the OP lives, the work travel may not matter as far as custody. It really is dependent on where they are, which has not been disclosed. A quick Google search would be helpful to you, PP.

NP. I’m in Virginia. Pre-divorce, my (then-) husband was gone 3-4 nights/weekends a week. While divorcing, he said he had changed his schedule to accommodate 50/50. As soon as the ink was dry, he went back to the old schedule, but did move things around so he was on overnight travel on my custodial nights.

Which is to say, pre-divorce behavior isn’t nearly as relevant as we might want it to be.

Right - the key is he changed his schedule so he didn’t travel on his custodial nights, right? That is not OP’s situation.

They are not divorced yet. So we have no idea what her situation will be.