BF said choose marriage or a career

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married for almost 23 years and I know my husband would have told me to take the job and that we would figure out ways to see each other as much as possible. He would never give me an ultimatum like that.

This. We just celebrated our 25th anniversary. We have a dual career household and it is not always smooth. My DH is far from perfect. When I go away on business trips, he sometimes gets pouty. I understood when the kids were younger but now that we have one in college and a driving HS kid, he still sometimes makes snide remarks. I have learned to let them go mostly and call out only when they are egregious. Despite his wanting me to be around, the two times a career opportunity has popped up for me out of state, his first instinct is to say “we’ll figure it out.” Man doesn’t like me being away for a week but is immediately and is truly willing to try to come up with a solution to a job in a different state if it’s something I may want. Both times I have declined because of the kids at home but it is nice knowing my partner’s first instinct is to help me achieve what I want.

You want your partner to be excited for you more than they think of impact on them first.

Wow. You really sound like the person who should be giving out relationship advice. Who wouldn't want what you have?

[Anonymous]

Ew. No worthy man would make you choose.

Have you discussed marriage in the past? Or is he just using this as some sort of bargaining chip? I'd bet dollars to donuts, you stay, and he won't marry you anyways. Something else will come up.

IF - and I dont think you should, but a big if - you want to marry him, get a ring first. IF he's serious, he can put his money where his mouth is.

[Anonymous]

Keep in mind the earning potential of this job. This isn't just 2 years, this is the rest of your life at an increased rate of pay. Increased responsibility, increased status.

This about how much earning power women lose when they go on mat leave or stay home with kids - wouldn't you want to bank as much as you can now, so that you can have the flexibility to decide what you want to do in the future? Giving up a big promotion because of a whiny pouty man and potentially railroading your entire future is unwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not really an ultimatum to say the relationship is over if the other person moves across the country on their own.

My DH and I, prior to getting engaged, were willing to be stationed in separate countries for a few years because we supported each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:🚩 🚩 🚩

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not really an ultimatum to say the relationship is over if the other person moves across the country on their own.

My DH and I, prior to getting engaged, were willing to be stationed in separate countries for a few years because we supported each other.

And you are still together! The people who make these "my way or the highway" demands of their partner are inflexible and not a good partner long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously you're going to choose career here. You will break up. Good luck and have fun chasing dick in your new state.

Looks like Brunch Granny is still alive and well.

[Anonymous]

OP, if your BF were serious about you, he would act like you’re a team and figure out a bunch of different options. A good partner wants to help you fly. It’s one thing if his initial reaction was “no” because he’s terrified of losing you, but then he comes to his senses and realizes his motivation for being unsupportive. But it doesn’t sound like that’s the case. He wants to control your life in such a way that it doesn’t inconvenience him. But long-term relationships really are about compromise.

I know you may be thinking this is your “last chance” for marriage/kids bc who knows if you’ll find someone else, but it’s not. I promise. I also know that you won’t be happy with an unsupportive partner. Just imagine the compromises you make with kids. It’s intense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if your BF were serious about you, he would act like you’re a team and figure out a bunch of different options. A good partner wants to help you fly. It’s one thing if his initial reaction was “no” because he’s terrified of losing you, but then he comes to his senses and realizes his motivation for being unsupportive. But it doesn’t sound like that’s the case. He wants to control your life in such a way that it doesn’t inconvenience him. But long-term relationships really are about compromise.

I know you may be thinking this is your “last chance” for marriage/kids bc who knows if you’ll find someone else, but it’s not. I promise. I also know that you won’t be happy with an unsupportive partner. Just imagine the compromises you make with kids. It’s intense.

+1
This is the kind of guy who won't do any housework or childcare, but will f*** off on a guys trip for a week or two because he "deserves it".

Also OP, do some actual research on fertility rates. It is not drastically different at 30/32/35. It doesn't fall off a cliff. Stop letting men intimidate you out of having a career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say you had talked about marriage and getting engaged in a couple months. Did he know you were applying for this job? Was he supportive of you applying? Or did you surprise him with this? If the latter, I can see him recoiling and feeling blindsided. If the former, he’s being immature, encouraging you to do something without discussing the his true feelings or the ramifications to your relationship ahead of time.

Life is a series of choices. You likely cannot have the perfect job and the perfect relationship and the perfect kids on the perfect timeline. You need to decide what is most important to you, understanding that it may close some doors (temporarily or permanently).

I didn’t apply for the job. My boss recommended me for it. I didn’t know until after the fact when they called me.

Then yeah, he probably feels completely blindsided. “Hey, I know we talked about getting married next year but I just got a better offer.”

Well then that just reveals another red flag rigidity and inflexible thinking ability to recalibrate things need to be able to do in marriage and with kids without having a tantrum and issuing ultimatums.

DP. I think it would be okay if he actually said those words. Issuing ultimatums without saying you are hurt is bad news.

But why should he be hurt?

Honestly anything other than an excitement and a willingness to figure it out together is a red flag.

If you cannot deal with your partner honestly and politely revealing their true feelings, then you are also a red flag.

Perhaps this guy had a vision of how his life would go and this job disrupts that. And he’s hurt and disappointed. Many would certainly understand that feeling if the sexes were reversed.

On a more basic level, it’s perfectly normal to want to see your love frequently. Some would say it’s a good thing.

Life doesn't go the way we planned it for anyone. The fact that his first reaction is to throw a tantrum when things don't go according to plan is a red flag

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After dating 18 months, it's completely understandable to be reluctant to be apart for longer than you have dated.

They are on the cusp of getting engaged in a few months, so no swipes at BF for not putting a ring on it yet. He has shown he's serious and she overheard him discussing the proposal. They discussed moving in together right away, then getting married and starting a family shortly after.

BF gets full credit for being serious. We don't know how exactly he said either marriage now or take the career promotion across the country. But will it only be 2 years? What if the company wants her to stay there, or move to their office somewhere else.

OP needs to decide whether having a high powered career is more important to her than having marriage and a family. Hopefully she can have both. Maybe not with this BF.

But she is on the verge of possibly giving up one or the other, mainly due to her age.

Getting engaged at 30, married at 31, pregnant at 32, baby at 33, baby#2 at 35 - she's already on a possibly tight schedule if she does NOT have fertility issues. If they happen to need fertility assistance, sooner rather than later is the time to find out.

Or if the draw of a promotion is pulling harder, this is a great opportunity and maybe it's just not in the cards for her and this BF. They can break up on good terms, both free to date, and if she should move back in 2 years, see where things are then.

If current home base is where both families are, does OP think she's going to move across the country, meet BF#2 who is from that location and convince him to move back to her current town? Not a sure thing.

It's time for more talking. If the company likes her this much, there may be future career advancement without moving away for 2 years. If she wants power career and family but BF sounds like he wants her to be a SAHM or shift to PT, well, that's an issue that exists now and maybe this discussion is just opening that topic earlier than it would have come up.

If OP can't bear the thought of not being with this BF for life, there's the answer.

If BF wanted to move across the country for 2 years, what would we be telling a 30yo woman? Even if they get engaged, there's a big chance he will move, meet someone else, and she will now be 32 starting over.

I won't fault OP for making either decision, as long as she understands what she is choosing and what she is possibly giving up.

I also won't fault BF for feeling blindsided by this sudden change in plans and not wanting to go 2 years without regular day-to-day interaction, just as they were about to start their engaged/married life together.

+1 This relationship is only 1.5 years long, of course he hasn't proposed yet. That would be insane. It sounds like its in the works and likely planned for their 2 year anniversary.

I am really curious about both of your careers. First off, a job that moves you 3.5 hrs away, I'm guessing you live on a coastal city now like DC -- so this job is moving you to the midwest or mountain west -- maybe Chicago or Texas? In what career is that a boost? Are you in agriculture or oil industry? Second, how does your career compare to his -- when you have kids one of you will have to step back, and its usually the one making less. So no idea if investing in career now, delaying kids and marriage, when you will be downshifting anyways in 4 years.

Also, does this role come with a pay increase? How much do you make now? How often do you see your BF now -- weekly, daily? You can easily fly back every weekend and if there is a pay increase that won't be too painful -- 3.5 hrs is not bad for a friday night - sunday night scenario, maybe even monday morning if job is flexible on start time. We did this for two years after marriage and took turns flying -- I would fly one weekend, spouse the other.

But we were much younger than you are, so we weren't in any rush to have kids. Two year delay will make him at least 35 before first kid is born, and you will be 33.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think people would tell BF to take a job. I think they would be mad at him for wasting this woman's time, that she needed to dump him and get back out there, if she wanted to have a family.

Not his family and friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married for almost 23 years and I know my husband would have told me to take the job and that we would figure out ways to see each other as much as possible. He would never give me an ultimatum like that.

This. We just celebrated our 25th anniversary. We have a dual career household and it is not always smooth. My DH is far from perfect. When I go away on business trips, he sometimes gets pouty. I understood when the kids were younger but now that we have one in college and a driving HS kid, he still sometimes makes snide remarks. I have learned to let them go mostly and call out only when they are egregious. Despite his wanting me to be around, the two times a career opportunity has popped up for me out of state, his first instinct is to say “we’ll figure it out.” Man doesn’t like me being away for a week but is immediately and is truly willing to try to come up with a solution to a job in a different state if it’s something I may want. Both times I have declined because of the kids at home but it is nice knowing my partner’s first instinct is to help me achieve what I want.

You want your partner to be excited for you more than they think of impact on them first.

Wow. You really sound like the person who should be giving out relationship advice. Who wouldn't want what you have?

DP. You don’t want a 25 year marriage with a guy who supports and helps you achieve your goals? A guy who, even after 25 years and no kids in the house, misses you when you are gone for a few days?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After dating 18 months, it's completely understandable to be reluctant to be apart for longer than you have dated.

They are on the cusp of getting engaged in a few months, so no swipes at BF for not putting a ring on it yet. He has shown he's serious and she overheard him discussing the proposal. They discussed moving in together right away, then getting married and starting a family shortly after.

BF gets full credit for being serious. We don't know how exactly he said either marriage now or take the career promotion across the country. But will it only be 2 years? What if the company wants her to stay there, or move to their office somewhere else.

OP needs to decide whether having a high powered career is more important to her than having marriage and a family. Hopefully she can have both. Maybe not with this BF.

But she is on the verge of possibly giving up one or the other, mainly due to her age.

Getting engaged at 30, married at 31, pregnant at 32, baby at 33, baby#2 at 35 - she's already on a possibly tight schedule if she does NOT have fertility issues. If they happen to need fertility assistance, sooner rather than later is the time to find out.

Or if the draw of a promotion is pulling harder, this is a great opportunity and maybe it's just not in the cards for her and this BF. They can break up on good terms, both free to date, and if she should move back in 2 years, see where things are then.

If current home base is where both families are, does OP think she's going to move across the country, meet BF#2 who is from that location and convince him to move back to her current town? Not a sure thing.

It's time for more talking. If the company likes her this much, there may be future career advancement without moving away for 2 years. If she wants power career and family but BF sounds like he wants her to be a SAHM or shift to PT, well, that's an issue that exists now and maybe this discussion is just opening that topic earlier than it would have come up.

If OP can't bear the thought of not being with this BF for life, there's the answer.

If BF wanted to move across the country for 2 years, what would we be telling a 30yo woman? Even if they get engaged, there's a big chance he will move, meet someone else, and she will now be 32 starting over.

I won't fault OP for making either decision, as long as she understands what she is choosing and what she is possibly giving up.

I also won't fault BF for feeling blindsided by this sudden change in plans and not wanting to go 2 years without regular day-to-day interaction, just as they were about to start their engaged/married life together.

+1 This relationship is only 1.5 years long, of course he hasn't proposed yet. That would be insane. It sounds like its in the works and likely planned for their 2 year anniversary.

I am really curious about both of your careers. First off, a job that moves you 3.5 hrs away, I'm guessing you live on a coastal city now like DC -- so this job is moving you to the midwest or mountain west -- maybe Chicago or Texas? In what career is that a boost? Are you in agriculture or oil industry? Second, how does your career compare to his -- when you have kids one of you will have to step back, and its usually the one making less. So no idea if investing in career now, delaying kids and marriage, when you will be downshifting anyways in 4 years.

Also, does this role come with a pay increase? How much do you make now? How often do you see your BF now -- weekly, daily? You can easily fly back every weekend and if there is a pay increase that won't be too painful -- 3.5 hrs is not bad for a friday night - sunday night scenario, maybe even monday morning if job is flexible on start time. We did this for two years after marriage and took turns flying -- I would fly one weekend, spouse the other.

But we were much younger than you are, so we weren't in any rush to have kids. Two year delay will make him at least 35 before first kid is born, and you will be 33.

Spending 7 hours on a plane every weekend sucks and doesn't even include the amount of time getting to and from airport, security, packing etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married for almost 23 years and I know my husband would have told me to take the job and that we would figure out ways to see each other as much as possible. He would never give me an ultimatum like that.

This. We just celebrated our 25th anniversary. We have a dual career household and it is not always smooth. My DH is far from perfect. When I go away on business trips, he sometimes gets pouty. I understood when the kids were younger but now that we have one in college and a driving HS kid, he still sometimes makes snide remarks. I have learned to let them go mostly and call out only when they are egregious. Despite his wanting me to be around, the two times a career opportunity has popped up for me out of state, his first instinct is to say “we’ll figure it out.” Man doesn’t like me being away for a week but is immediately and is truly willing to try to come up with a solution to a job in a different state if it’s something I may want. Both times I have declined because of the kids at home but it is nice knowing my partner’s first instinct is to help me achieve what I want.

You want your partner to be excited for you more than they think of impact on them first.

Wow. You really sound like the person who should be giving out relationship advice. Who wouldn't want what you have?

DP. You don’t want a 25 year marriage with a guy who supports and helps you achieve your goals? A guy who, even after 25 years and no kids in the house, misses you when you are gone for a few days?

I bet the DH is lonely all the time where PP is around or not.