BF said choose marriage or a career

[Anonymous]

Let us know what you decide OP haha enjoy spending the next 3 years living alone in flyover country drinking wine by your lonesome while editing PowerPoints surrounded by fat people #careergoal

[Anonymous]

[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married for almost 23 years and I know my husband would have told me to take the job and that we would figure out ways to see each other as much as possible. He would never give me an ultimatum like that.

This. We just celebrated our 25th anniversary. We have a dual career household and it is not always smooth. My DH is far from perfect. When I go away on business trips, he sometimes gets pouty. I understood when the kids were younger but now that we have one in college and a driving HS kid, he still sometimes makes snide remarks. I have learned to let them go mostly and call out only when they are egregious. Despite his wanting me to be around, the two times a career opportunity has popped up for me out of state, his first instinct is to say “we’ll figure it out.” Man doesn’t like me being away for a week but is immediately and is truly willing to try to come up with a solution to a job in a different state if it’s something I may want. Both times I have declined because of the kids at home but it is nice knowing my partner’s first instinct is to help me achieve what I want.

You want your partner to be excited for you more than they think of impact on them first.

Wow. You really sound like the person who should be giving out relationship advice. Who wouldn't want what you have?

DP. You don’t want a 25 year marriage with a guy who supports and helps you achieve your goals? A guy who, even after 25 years and no kids in the house, misses you when you are gone for a few days?

What you describe is controlling and codependent behavior, not romantic longing.

Does he have any friends or hobbies?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let us know what you decide OP haha enjoy spending the next 3 years living alone in flyover country drinking wine by your lonesome while editing PowerPoints surrounded by fat people #careergoal

What a bizarre response

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After dating 18 months, it's completely understandable to be reluctant to be apart for longer than you have dated.

They are on the cusp of getting engaged in a few months, so no swipes at BF for not putting a ring on it yet. He has shown he's serious and she overheard him discussing the proposal. They discussed moving in together right away, then getting married and starting a family shortly after.

BF gets full credit for being serious. We don't know how exactly he said either marriage now or take the career promotion across the country. But will it only be 2 years? What if the company wants her to stay there, or move to their office somewhere else.

OP needs to decide whether having a high powered career is more important to her than having marriage and a family. Hopefully she can have both. Maybe not with this BF.

But she is on the verge of possibly giving up one or the other, mainly due to her age.

Getting engaged at 30, married at 31, pregnant at 32, baby at 33, baby#2 at 35 - she's already on a possibly tight schedule if she does NOT have fertility issues. If they happen to need fertility assistance, sooner rather than later is the time to find out.

Or if the draw of a promotion is pulling harder, this is a great opportunity and maybe it's just not in the cards for her and this BF. They can break up on good terms, both free to date, and if she should move back in 2 years, see where things are then.

If current home base is where both families are, does OP think she's going to move across the country, meet BF#2 who is from that location and convince him to move back to her current town? Not a sure thing.

It's time for more talking. If the company likes her this much, there may be future career advancement without moving away for 2 years. If she wants power career and family but BF sounds like he wants her to be a SAHM or shift to PT, well, that's an issue that exists now and maybe this discussion is just opening that topic earlier than it would have come up.

If OP can't bear the thought of not being with this BF for life, there's the answer.

If BF wanted to move across the country for 2 years, what would we be telling a 30yo woman? Even if they get engaged, there's a big chance he will move, meet someone else, and she will now be 32 starting over.

I won't fault OP for making either decision, as long as she understands what she is choosing and what she is possibly giving up.

I also won't fault BF for feeling blindsided by this sudden change in plans and not wanting to go 2 years without regular day-to-day interaction, just as they were about to start their engaged/married life together.

+1 This relationship is only 1.5 years long, of course he hasn't proposed yet. That would be insane. It sounds like its in the works and likely planned for their 2 year anniversary.

I am really curious about both of your careers. First off, a job that moves you 3.5 hrs away, I'm guessing you live on a coastal city now like DC -- so this job is moving you to the midwest or mountain west -- maybe Chicago or Texas? In what career is that a boost? Are you in agriculture or oil industry? Second, how does your career compare to his -- when you have kids one of you will have to step back, and its usually the one making less. So no idea if investing in career now, delaying kids and marriage, when you will be downshifting anyways in 4 years.

Also, does this role come with a pay increase? How much do you make now? How often do you see your BF now -- weekly, daily? You can easily fly back every weekend and if there is a pay increase that won't be too painful -- 3.5 hrs is not bad for a friday night - sunday night scenario, maybe even monday morning if job is flexible on start time. We did this for two years after marriage and took turns flying -- I would fly one weekend, spouse the other.

But we were much younger than you are, so we weren't in any rush to have kids. Two year delay will make him at least 35 before first kid is born, and you will be 33.

Spending 7 hours on a plane every weekend sucks and doesn't even include the amount of time getting to and from airport, security, packing etc

Some people commute 1.5 hrs each way. So 15 hours of traveling for work. She will likely live within 10 minutes of her worksite in Midwest, so she will will come out ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let us know what you decide OP haha enjoy spending the next 3 years living alone in flyover country drinking wine by your lonesome while editing PowerPoints surrounded by fat people #careergoal

What a bizarre response

I mean. It’s probably true.

She also won’t be able to get serious with someone in flyover because she plans to move back in 2-3 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married for almost 23 years and I know my husband would have told me to take the job and that we would figure out ways to see each other as much as possible. He would never give me an ultimatum like that.

This. We just celebrated our 25th anniversary. We have a dual career household and it is not always smooth. My DH is far from perfect. When I go away on business trips, he sometimes gets pouty. I understood when the kids were younger but now that we have one in college and a driving HS kid, he still sometimes makes snide remarks. I have learned to let them go mostly and call out only when they are egregious. Despite his wanting me to be around, the two times a career opportunity has popped up for me out of state, his first instinct is to say “we’ll figure it out.” Man doesn’t like me being away for a week but is immediately and is truly willing to try to come up with a solution to a job in a different state if it’s something I may want. Both times I have declined because of the kids at home but it is nice knowing my partner’s first instinct is to help me achieve what I want.

You want your partner to be excited for you more than they think of impact on them first.

Wow. You really sound like the person who should be giving out relationship advice. Who wouldn't want what you have?

DP. You don’t want a 25 year marriage with a guy who supports and helps you achieve your goals? A guy who, even after 25 years and no kids in the house, misses you when you are gone for a few days?

What you describe is controlling and codependent behavior, not romantic longing.

Does he have any friends or hobbies?

What babble. She keeps going on trips. He’s not controlling her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married for almost 23 years and I know my husband would have told me to take the job and that we would figure out ways to see each other as much as possible. He would never give me an ultimatum like that.

This. We just celebrated our 25th anniversary. We have a dual career household and it is not always smooth. My DH is far from perfect. When I go away on business trips, he sometimes gets pouty. I understood when the kids were younger but now that we have one in college and a driving HS kid, he still sometimes makes snide remarks. I have learned to let them go mostly and call out only when they are egregious. Despite his wanting me to be around, the two times a career opportunity has popped up for me out of state, his first instinct is to say “we’ll figure it out.” Man doesn’t like me being away for a week but is immediately and is truly willing to try to come up with a solution to a job in a different state if it’s something I may want. Both times I have declined because of the kids at home but it is nice knowing my partner’s first instinct is to help me achieve what I want.

You want your partner to be excited for you more than they think of impact on them first.

Wow. You really sound like the person who should be giving out relationship advice. Who wouldn't want what you have?

DP. You don’t want a 25 year marriage with a guy who supports and helps you achieve your goals? A guy who, even after 25 years and no kids in the house, misses you when you are gone for a few days?

"Not always smooth" "far from perfect" "pouty" "snide remarks."

No I don't want that. I have better than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married for almost 23 years and I know my husband would have told me to take the job and that we would figure out ways to see each other as much as possible. He would never give me an ultimatum like that.

This. We just celebrated our 25th anniversary. We have a dual career household and it is not always smooth. My DH is far from perfect. When I go away on business trips, he sometimes gets pouty. I understood when the kids were younger but now that we have one in college and a driving HS kid, he still sometimes makes snide remarks. I have learned to let them go mostly and call out only when they are egregious. Despite his wanting me to be around, the two times a career opportunity has popped up for me out of state, his first instinct is to say “we’ll figure it out.” Man doesn’t like me being away for a week but is immediately and is truly willing to try to come up with a solution to a job in a different state if it’s something I may want. Both times I have declined because of the kids at home but it is nice knowing my partner’s first instinct is to help me achieve what I want.

You want your partner to be excited for you more than they think of impact on them first.

Wow. You really sound like the person who should be giving out relationship advice. Who wouldn't want what you have?

DP. You don’t want a 25 year marriage with a guy who supports and helps you achieve your goals? A guy who, even after 25 years and no kids in the house, misses you when you are gone for a few days?

I bet the DH is lonely all the time where PP is around or not.

DP. I have no idea whether that’s true, but I have learned something about your own happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married for almost 23 years and I know my husband would have told me to take the job and that we would figure out ways to see each other as much as possible. He would never give me an ultimatum like that.

This. We just celebrated our 25th anniversary. We have a dual career household and it is not always smooth. My DH is far from perfect. When I go away on business trips, he sometimes gets pouty. I understood when the kids were younger but now that we have one in college and a driving HS kid, he still sometimes makes snide remarks. I have learned to let them go mostly and call out only when they are egregious. Despite his wanting me to be around, the two times a career opportunity has popped up for me out of state, his first instinct is to say “we’ll figure it out.” Man doesn’t like me being away for a week but is immediately and is truly willing to try to come up with a solution to a job in a different state if it’s something I may want. Both times I have declined because of the kids at home but it is nice knowing my partner’s first instinct is to help me achieve what I want.

You want your partner to be excited for you more than they think of impact on them first.

Wow. You really sound like the person who should be giving out relationship advice. Who wouldn't want what you have?

DP. You don’t want a 25 year marriage with a guy who supports and helps you achieve your goals? A guy who, even after 25 years and no kids in the house, misses you when you are gone for a few days?

"Not always smooth" "far from perfect" "pouty" "snide remarks."

No I don't want that. I have better than that.

If you tell me your 25 year relationship is always smooth and perfect, then I know you are a liar. If you tell me you are holding for always smooth and perfect, I know you have the maturity of a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let us know what you decide OP haha enjoy spending the next 3 years living alone in flyover country drinking wine by your lonesome while editing PowerPoints surrounded by fat people #careergoal

What a bizarre response

I mean. It’s probably true.

She also won’t be able to get serious with someone in flyover because she plans to move back in 2-3 years.

And the fat comment? And the dig about powerpoints? This is someone who thinks womens only purpose is popping out babies and anyone who deviates from that is a failure.

Maybe she does get serious with someone and ends up staying, who knows. COL is likely much lower, and if she makes a ton more it will be great for her savings account either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got offered an amazing job that will boost my career and open the doors for a better opportunity. The position is another state for two years. My boyfriend of 1.5 years doesn’t want me to go. He flat out told me he loves me and doesn’t want to wait for two years to start our lives together. He is ready to marry me and start a family and I have to decide if I want be with him or choose my career. I feel like I will lose in some way whichever I choose. I don’t know if I will find another guy I want to marry or how this will affect my career. I don’t want to choose.

If he really loved you enough to marry you, he wouldn't put you in this position. This is a red flag

If a guy were leaving they would say “if he loved you enough he would choose you over the job and wouldnt leave”

I am a female who agrees with your bf. You would be devastated if the roles were reversed - if you thought marriage was coming but he moved away. I vote stay and get married!

This is a good point.

I personally wouldn’t leave. The job is just two years and it’s a significant distance away. It’s easier to find a job than a person you want to marry, who wants to marry you. But I would not turn down the job without an immediate engagement. Not September - now.

Or you can get engaged/married while you are there. Why does two years away prevent you from doing so? Especially if you have a low-key wedding.

But, this is not "just a job". OP said it would bump up her career.

IMO, he doesn't care about her career or that she wants to climb up the ladder. That signals that he will expect her to always put him above her own wants and needs.

If the situation were in reverse, and he had an amazing opportunity to go up the career ladder, do you think he would not take it? Of course he would. And people would say, "Well, if that's going to give him the potential to be making a lot more money, then he should do it. You guys can always fly to see each other on the weekend. It's only 3.5 hour plane ride." Right?

The hypocrisy.

LOL bump her career. Alright if this is the type of job that's the gateway to the C suite then fine, if you're that type of person, go for it. I'd wager it's nothing like that and it's just any number of meaningless corporate roles that grind away the best years of your life. Can't find that out until you do it though.

Why LOL? Would you LOL if it was a man posting this? I doubt it.

Again, such hypocrisy.

I would 100% tell a man that he'd be better off prioritizing making a family, including OP's boyfriend, at any cost to his 'career'.

+1. We would all be better off prioritizing relationships over work. But that would threaten capitalism so "feminists" have to sell us the workplace as the place that your life matters.

GMAFB it's mostly men who control the corporate world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if your BF were serious about you, he would act like you’re a team and figure out a bunch of different options. A good partner wants to help you fly. It’s one thing if his initial reaction was “no” because he’s terrified of losing you, but then he comes to his senses and realizes his motivation for being unsupportive. But it doesn’t sound like that’s the case. He wants to control your life in such a way that it doesn’t inconvenience him. But long-term relationships really are about compromise.

I know you may be thinking this is your “last chance” for marriage/kids bc who knows if you’ll find someone else, but it’s not. I promise. I also know that you won’t be happy with an unsupportive partner. Just imagine the compromises you make with kids. It’s intense.

+1
This is the kind of guy who won't do any housework or childcare, but will f*** off on a guys trip for a week or two because he "deserves it".

Also OP, do some actual research on fertility rates. It is not drastically different at 30/32/35. It doesn't fall off a cliff. Stop letting men intimidate you out of having a career.

+1 red flag that he immediately went to an ultimatum rather than seeing how it could work.

Big decisions require long discussions, pros/cons, not an immediate ultimatum.

-married 20+ years

[Anonymous]

^also, I had kids at 35 and 38, got pregnant within a few months. Same for my friends. Are there some women who have a hard time? Sure. I know women younger than me who had a hard time getting pregnant. It is not uncommon or unusual these days for women in their mid/late 30s to get pregnant for the first time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got offered an amazing job that will boost my career and open the doors for a better opportunity. The position is another state for two years. My boyfriend of 1.5 years doesn’t want me to go. He flat out told me he loves me and doesn’t want to wait for two years to start our lives together. He is ready to marry me and start a family and I have to decide if I want be with him or choose my career. I feel like I will lose in some way whichever I choose. I don’t know if I will find another guy I want to marry or how this will affect my career. I don’t want to choose.

When we were dating, my husband moved to DC for my career. It’s been 26 years.
If he doesn’t have a big career that isn’t moveable, he can make be if he really loved you and wanted you specifically.
He hasn’t even asked you to marry him & you aren’t living together.
You have been dating for long enough. I wouldn’t give up this career move without a ring & a date with a deposit. It isn’t fair for him to ask you to stay without it.

What I find interesting is that you didn’t really talk about what’s great about your BF in this post. What’s great about the job. And how your BF feels about you. But nothing on why he’s worth losing out on this new opportunity.

I didn’t want to turn the post into a paragraph. I love him and I’m in love with him. I want both him and the career. I love him and my career.

[Anonymous]

If you don’t take this job are you out a career? Or is this just a cool opportunity that you’ll have to work to find again?

If the former, you truly lose your career if you don’t take it, then it’s important. If it’s just delaying a promotion to turn it down/there are other promotable opportunities nearby then it is very understandable he’s upset. You are not prioritizing the relationship.

I have been married 17 years. Both of us have turned down our “dream job” at various points because that would have harmed our marriage and later our family. Did I have a Really Cool Opportunity to work abroad at one point that I turned down to prioritize the marriage? You bet. Do I still have a great career stateside? Yes. Has he turned down promotions or roles that would have kept him away from home more? Yes. Has he found other promotions and roles with more money that still carved out the desired family time? Yes.

There will be more career opportunities (unless there is more to the story). If this guy is worth it, don’t threaten leaving for a job of all things.

And if you do, that’s a valid choice but it should be a clue that the relationship isn’t that important comparatively.