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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I'm speaking to you as a people-pleaser in recovery, to someone who I think has the same affliction. It will be long, but I'm going to tell the whole journey in case some of it resonates and rattles something loose in you.

Like you, I was raised to always accommodate the needs of others over my own, even (or perhaps especially) when those needs are over-the-top, aggressive, very imposing, or even upsetting to me. I grew up in a family of very emotionally immature people and learned from very young that one survival path for me was to have no needs of my own and be as accommodating as possible.

I started to recognize the problems with this in my 20s, though didn't realize it was people pleasing. I had a serious romantic relationship that fell apart and my partner accused me of being needy, which really hurt me because I work so hard to NOT be needy. I started seeing a therapist who started to scratch the surface of the dysfunction from my childhood and how I was carrying it forward. The biggest take away from that therapist was the idea that maybe it was okay to be "needy" if it helped me realize I do in fact have needs. And also to start thinking about how the people around me respond to my needs, and the balance of power in my relationships -- who sets the tone? whose emotions dominate? how do they respond to my emotions, especially my negative emotions, and so on? These were all good questions to wrestle with. I did, I got over that ex and also left a really unsatisfying job for one with more potential, and I thought "ah, I'm fixed!"

Haha, I was not fixed. In my 30s, I found myself in multiple relationships (a significant other, several friendships, and two workplace mentorships) that I now recognize as dysfunctional. I was still accommodating others all the time while not having my own needs met, despite being more conscious of this dynamic. I turns out these tendencies are so engrained that it happens unconsciously for me, so it's hard to change. I convince myself that I'm happy with things that just coincidentally make others happy, especially the most demanding people in my life. It was WAY harder to stop this than I originally anticipated.

At this part I started to realize something. I'm going to bold it because I think it's most relevant to your present struggle: [b]Lifelong people pleasers like you and me tend to attract people into our lives who are eager to use and abuse our people pleasing tendencies, and especially people who know precisely which buttons to push (guilt, implying we are bad people, withholding affection or friendship) to coerce us into giving them what they want. They find us.[/b] Realizing this sucks because you realize that you have people in your life who are mainly attracted to you because they know you will roll over and give them what you want at your own expense. THESE PEOPLE ARE USERS. They may have redeeming qualities, but they have dysfunction, and it is perfectly tailored to take advantage of your dysfunction.

I am in my 40s now and I still struggle with these issues. I've been through three rounds of therapy and will go through more. Each new life stage and situation creates more opportunities for me to fall back into these habits and then to have to relearn how to stand up for myself and extract myself from these situations again. But the one thing I am finally becoming better at is recognizing the users who see me as a mark.

Your friend is a user. She is intentionally trying to make you feel guilty to induce you to give her something you don't want to give her. She is creating conflict in your marriage by inserting her own needs into YOUR marriage. She is using a whole range of tools -- passive aggression, guilt tripping, undermining your self worth, self-aggrandizement, perceived quid pro quo (which isn't actually quid pro quo -- she never gives you anything she isn't eager to part with). She has likely honed these skills over a lifetime, since childhood, just like your people pleasing has been refined since a very young age.

Standing up to this person, saying no as many times as you need to when she tries to take advantage of you, and not allowing her dysfunction to cause you emotional pain and relationship strife, will be an incredibly valuable experience for you. Do it now, with this person, and it will help you practice for all the future people who will try to take advantage of you. Focus on your friends and family who don't try to use you in this way. Invest in those relationships. Let this particular friendship go, though. She is bad for you.[/quote]

OP here. Thanks for sharing this.  It 100 percent resonates. And I needed to hear this, especially now. This is all stuff I've worked on in therapy as well, but it's been a few years, and this was a good reminder.  Old habits die hard.  And you are so right that nothing is quite fixed - the people keep popping up in unexpected places in different forms, and I have to stay vigilant to keep protecting myself from being used.

I never quite thought of my cousin in the same category as that, but the way you described it, I realize she definitely uses ALL those tricks as well.  The common thread that always feels like a knife through the heart is their rejection or judgment when I don't deliver exactly what they need or want in the moment.

I think I put my guard down with this friend who was asking me for the poster (which happened a year ago).  Either I got much better at setting boundaries and avoiding "unprotected" solo time with her, and she no longer considered me an easy target, or she has gotten better through therapy.  But things "generally" are better than how they used to be.

However:  I managed to get myself in a situation now where I've committed to a trip that will require some  alone with her, so even though I mostly forgot about my caution, my body is sending me big warning signs and I'm feeling anxiety. She throws weird curveballs at me when we are alone together..  Things like "splitting" where she talks bad about mutual friends with me, or bringing up some past incident when I had failed to meet her need in some very significant way (said to me as parenting advice on how to deal with my child, to enlighten me about my flaws).

[/quote]

Don't go on vacation with this person.

She has borderline personality disorder. You'll feel like you are arguing in circles trying to get out of their traps. The only thing to do is avoid them, and "gray rock" when you have to interact (don't reveal anything, don't get involved in emotional conversations, be very very boring and detached).

These people don't respond to insight. They only respond to boundaries.[/quote]

I’ve already committed.  :(
She is in therapy now so maybe she’s better?  Second chances? And I’m better equipped to deal with nonsense now too.

I just need some ground rules from myself so I don’t forget and let my guard down.[/quote]

Are you OP? No second chances. You are already caving and setting yourself up for abuse and manipulation.

Don't go. Let her call you every horrible thing. It will be the end. [/quote]

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