S/O: How are you preparing your SONS to be respectful and safe, and to protect themselves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These boy-moms need to lead by eliminating any hint of toxic masculinity developing in their sons.

This is the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:We/I talked to ds at about 14 about consent and using protection every single time. It was more of a refresher talk because he had started dating. We were on a road trip, so a good time to chat. I told him that if she tenses up, hesitates, or pushes him away at ALL, it was time to stop. I also told him that it was just as ok for him to stop, and she needed to respect that.

We also talked about never trusting the pill (I was on birth control both times I got pregnant, and reacting to pregnancy. I also brought up not staying in a bad relationship because he liked the sex.

Yikes. Your 14 yo is having sex?

That was 9 years ago. He wasn't having sex yet but he was dating. 14/15 is pretty common for first experiences. My husband teaches 9th grade... our heads were not buried in the sand.

Fast forward to today. At 23 1/2 ds has had the same GF for 7 years. They are talking about marriage, buying a house etc.

Dating for 7 years? So, failure to launch. Sounds like you weren't as successful as this as you thought.

What are you talking about? They are 23 and 24. He graduated from college in June, she still has two more years because she's paying her own way. He is working in his chosen field, and saving for a ring and a down-payment on a house.

Failure to lauch? Hardly.

Dating for 7 years mean someone's not committed. Cool for teenagers, not cool for adults.

You’re kind of ridiculous. DH & I started dating in HS and got married 10 years later. We were busy doing things like graduating from HS, undergrad, and grad school. We’ve been married for almost 20 years, happy as ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We/I talked to ds at about 14 about consent and using protection every single time. It was more of a refresher talk because he had started dating. We were on a road trip, so a good time to chat. I told him that if she tenses up, hesitates, or pushes him away at ALL, it was time to stop. I also told him that it was just as ok for him to stop, and she needed to respect that.

We also talked about never trusting the pill (I was on birth control both times I got pregnant, and reacting to pregnancy. I also brought up not staying in a bad relationship because he liked the sex.

Yikes. Your 14 yo is having sex?

That was 9 years ago. He wasn't having sex yet but he was dating. 14/15 is pretty common for first experiences. My husband teaches 9th grade... our heads were not buried in the sand.

Fast forward to today. At 23 1/2 ds has had the same GF for 7 years. They are talking about marriage, buying a house etc.

Dating for 7 years? So, failure to launch. Sounds like you weren't as successful as this as you thought.

What are you talking about? They are 23 and 24. He graduated from college in June, she still has two more years because she's paying her own way. He is working in his chosen field, and saving for a ring and a down-payment on a house.

Failure to lauch? Hardly.

Dating for 7 years mean someone's not committed. Cool for teenagers, not cool for adults.

You’re kind of ridiculous. DH & I started dating in HS and got married 10 years later. We were busy doing things like graduating from HS, undergrad, and grad school. We’ve been married for almost 20 years, happy as ever.

Apparently that pp thinks everyone should marry at 18 and start popping out babies immediately. Forget education, maturity or growth!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We/I talked to ds at about 14 about consent and using protection every single time. It was more of a refresher talk because he had started dating. We were on a road trip, so a good time to chat. I told him that if she tenses up, hesitates, or pushes him away at ALL, it was time to stop. I also told him that it was just as ok for him to stop, and she needed to respect that.

We also talked about never trusting the pill (I was on birth control both times I got pregnant, and reacting to pregnancy. I also brought up not staying in a bad relationship because he liked the sex.

Yikes. Your 14 yo is having sex?

That was 9 years ago. He wasn't having sex yet but he was dating. 14/15 is pretty common for first experiences. My husband teaches 9th grade... our heads were not buried in the sand.

Fast forward to today. At 23 1/2 ds has had the same GF for 7 years. They are talking about marriage, buying a house etc.

Dating for 7 years? So, failure to launch. Sounds like you weren't as successful as this as you thought.

What are you talking about? They are 23 and 24. He graduated from college in June, she still has two more years because she's paying her own way. He is working in his chosen field, and saving for a ring and a down-payment on a house.

Failure to lauch? Hardly.

Dating for 7 years mean someone's not committed. Cool for teenagers, not cool for adults.

You’re kind of ridiculous. DH & I started dating in HS and got married 10 years later. We were busy doing things like graduating from HS, undergrad, and grad school. We’ve been married for almost 20 years, happy as ever.

Apparently that pp thinks everyone should marry at 18 and start popping out babies immediately. Forget education, maturity or growth!

24 and a college graduate is not 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We/I talked to ds at about 14 about consent and using protection every single time. It was more of a refresher talk because he had started dating. We were on a road trip, so a good time to chat. I told him that if she tenses up, hesitates, or pushes him away at ALL, it was time to stop. I also told him that it was just as ok for him to stop, and she needed to respect that.

We also talked about never trusting the pill (I was on birth control both times I got pregnant, and reacting to pregnancy. I also brought up not staying in a bad relationship because he liked the sex.

Yikes. Your 14 yo is having sex?

That was 9 years ago. He wasn't having sex yet but he was dating. 14/15 is pretty common for first experiences. My husband teaches 9th grade... our heads were not buried in the sand.

Fast forward to today. At 23 1/2 ds has had the same GF for 7 years. They are talking about marriage, buying a house etc.

Dating for 7 years? So, failure to launch. Sounds like you weren't as successful as this as you thought.

What are you talking about? They are 23 and 24. He graduated from college in June, she still has two more years because she's paying her own way. He is working in his chosen field, and saving for a ring and a down-payment on a house.

Failure to lauch? Hardly.

Dating for 7 years mean someone's not committed. Cool for teenagers, not cool for adults.

You’re kind of ridiculous. DH & I started dating in HS and got married 10 years later. We were busy doing things like graduating from HS, undergrad, and grad school. We’ve been married for almost 20 years, happy as ever.

Apparently that pp thinks everyone should marry at 18 and start popping out babies immediately. Forget education, maturity or growth!

24 and a college graduate is not 18.

Yeah, and it sounds like they'll be getting engaged soon. After they've been together a few years completing college, etc. Which apparently pp thinks is "too long" and "failed to launch".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We/I talked to ds at about 14 about consent and using protection every single time. It was more of a refresher talk because he had started dating. We were on a road trip, so a good time to chat. I told him that if she tenses up, hesitates, or pushes him away at ALL, it was time to stop. I also told him that it was just as ok for him to stop, and she needed to respect that.

We also talked about never trusting the pill (I was on birth control both times I got pregnant, and reacting to pregnancy. I also brought up not staying in a bad relationship because he liked the sex.

Yikes. Your 14 yo is having sex?

That was 9 years ago. He wasn't having sex yet but he was dating. 14/15 is pretty common for first experiences. My husband teaches 9th grade... our heads were not buried in the sand.

Fast forward to today. At 23 1/2 ds has had the same GF for 7 years. They are talking about marriage, buying a house etc.

Dating for 7 years? So, failure to launch. Sounds like you weren't as successful as this as you thought.

What are you talking about? They are 23 and 24. He graduated from college in June, she still has two more years because she's paying her own way. He is working in his chosen field, and saving for a ring and a down-payment on a house.

Failure to lauch? Hardly.

Are they religious? Mormon?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I tried everything I could -no video games, no violent movies or tv, no toy guns or swords or any violent type play at all. Encouraged empathy and peaceful problem solving and anger management (I’m a behavioral scientist).
Society influences won and he is violent and has assaulted women.
However, if I hadn’t raised him as I did, I know he’d be 100 x worse.
I’ve long admired how boys are raised in other cultures, I think our culture in the USA is dangerous.
We excuse and allow bad behavior and mistreatment of women.
This is not keeping boys safe, this is pushing them to be violent.

I want to thank you for posting. You are getting some nasty comments, but there are SO MANY men who assault women. Probably quite a few of the posters on this thread. They don't want to admit it, or want to blame the woman, but it comes down to the men. They can be raised by great parents, and still end up raping or assaulting someone. It serves no one to brush it under the rug. I'm sorry your son is a predator, it cant be easy to live with that.

Disagree with premise. There are not “SO MANY” men who assault women.

There are far more men who assault women (and men) than there are women. 80% of violent crimes are committed by men. For sexual crimes? 94%. I'm not sure what you are disagreeing with.

The majority of violent crimes are committed by persistent, repeat offenders. So no, there are NOT “so many” men out there assaulting women (and men).

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3969807/

Bro, that's sweden. Not USA.

Bro you don’t think human beings in Sweden are the same as human beings in the USA?

The results are broadly applicable. Use your brain, please.

Their culture is massively different. I don't think it's comparable to US crimes, no. If you have an article or study on US men I'd be happy to read it.

DP here but it’s mostly the same guys, over and over.

https://www.prisonlegalnews.org/news/2019/may/3/long-term-recidivism-studies-show-high-arrest-rates/#:~:text=Two%20reports%20on%20long%2Dterm,over%20an%20eight%2Dyear%20period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We/I talked to ds at about 14 about consent and using protection every single time. It was more of a refresher talk because he had started dating. We were on a road trip, so a good time to chat. I told him that if she tenses up, hesitates, or pushes him away at ALL, it was time to stop. I also told him that it was just as ok for him to stop, and she needed to respect that.

We also talked about never trusting the pill (I was on birth control both times I got pregnant, and reacting to pregnancy. I also brought up not staying in a bad relationship because he liked the sex.

Yikes. Your 14 yo is having sex?

That was 9 years ago. He wasn't having sex yet but he was dating. 14/15 is pretty common for first experiences. My husband teaches 9th grade... our heads were not buried in the sand.

Fast forward to today. At 23 1/2 ds has had the same GF for 7 years. They are talking about marriage, buying a house etc.

Dating for 7 years? So, failure to launch. Sounds like you weren't as successful as this as you thought.

What are you talking about? They are 23 and 24. He graduated from college in June, she still has two more years because she's paying her own way. He is working in his chosen field, and saving for a ring and a down-payment on a house.

Failure to lauch? Hardly.

Dating for 7 years mean someone's not committed. Cool for teenagers, not cool for adults.

You’re kind of ridiculous. DH & I started dating in HS and got married 10 years later. We were busy doing things like graduating from HS, undergrad, and grad school. We’ve been married for almost 20 years, happy as ever.

Apparently that pp thinks everyone should marry at 18 and start popping out babies immediately. Forget education, maturity or growth!

24 and a college graduate is not 18.

Yeah, and it sounds like they'll be getting engaged soon. After they've been together a few years completing college, etc. Which apparently pp thinks is "too long" and "failed to launch".

Seven years together is a long time - we married two days after DH graduated/was commissioned. *shrug* And no, we're not ultra-religious. It's just there's not much point in waiting years when you know it's the right person (we only waited a year and a half because I wanted to graduate first and he was required to).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We/I talked to ds at about 14 about consent and using protection every single time. It was more of a refresher talk because he had started dating. We were on a road trip, so a good time to chat. I told him that if she tenses up, hesitates, or pushes him away at ALL, it was time to stop. I also told him that it was just as ok for him to stop, and she needed to respect that.

We also talked about never trusting the pill (I was on birth control both times I got pregnant, and reacting to pregnancy. I also brought up not staying in a bad relationship because he liked the sex.

Yikes. Your 14 yo is having sex?

That was 9 years ago. He wasn't having sex yet but he was dating. 14/15 is pretty common for first experiences. My husband teaches 9th grade... our heads were not buried in the sand.

Fast forward to today. At 23 1/2 ds has had the same GF for 7 years. They are talking about marriage, buying a house etc.

Dating for 7 years? So, failure to launch. Sounds like you weren't as successful as this as you thought.

What are you talking about? They are 23 and 24. He graduated from college in June, she still has two more years because she's paying her own way. He is working in his chosen field, and saving for a ring and a down-payment on a house.

Failure to lauch? Hardly.

Dating for 7 years mean someone's not committed. Cool for teenagers, not cool for adults.

You’re kind of ridiculous. DH & I started dating in HS and got married 10 years later. We were busy doing things like graduating from HS, undergrad, and grad school. We’ve been married for almost 20 years, happy as ever.

Apparently that pp thinks everyone should marry at 18 and start popping out babies immediately. Forget education, maturity or growth!

24 and a college graduate is not 18.

Yeah, and it sounds like they'll be getting engaged soon. After they've been together a few years completing college, etc. Which apparently pp thinks is "too long" and "failed to launch".

Seven years together is a long time - we married two days after DH graduated/was commissioned. *shrug* And no, we're not ultra-religious. It's just there's not much point in waiting years when you know it's the right person (we only waited a year and a half because I wanted to graduate first and he was required to).

Great, that's what worked for you. Do you really judge anyone who doesn't do things exactly as you did as inferior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tried everything I could -no video games, no violent movies or tv, no toy guns or swords or any violent type play at all. Encouraged empathy and peaceful problem solving and anger management (I’m a behavioral scientist).
Society influences won and he is violent and has assaulted women.
However, if I hadn’t raised him as I did, I know he’d be 100 x worse.
I’ve long admired how boys are raised in other cultures, I think our culture in the USA is dangerous.
We excuse and allow bad behavior and mistreatment of women.
This is not keeping boys safe, this is pushing them to be violent.

I want to thank you for posting. You are getting some nasty comments, but there are SO MANY men who assault women. Probably quite a few of the posters on this thread. They don't want to admit it, or want to blame the woman, but it comes down to the men. They can be raised by great parents, and still end up raping or assaulting someone. It serves no one to brush it under the rug. I'm sorry your son is a predator, it cant be easy to live with that.

Disagree with premise. There are not “SO MANY” men who assault women.

There are far more men who assault women (and men) than there are women. 80% of violent crimes are committed by men. For sexual crimes? 94%. I'm not sure what you are disagreeing with.

They are the same pool of men over and over. The pool is relatively small but active. Most men don’t engage is violent activities.

Unfortunately the pool isn't that small. I do agree that most men don't. But many men do. And that is too many.

If most men don’t, and a large subset of those who do either are mentally ill, have substance abuse problems, or history of abuse themselves, what the heck are we talking about here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We/I talked to ds at about 14 about consent and using protection every single time. It was more of a refresher talk because he had started dating. We were on a road trip, so a good time to chat. I told him that if she tenses up, hesitates, or pushes him away at ALL, it was time to stop. I also told him that it was just as ok for him to stop, and she needed to respect that.

We also talked about never trusting the pill (I was on birth control both times I got pregnant, and reacting to pregnancy. I also brought up not staying in a bad relationship because he liked the sex.

Yikes. Your 14 yo is having sex?

That was 9 years ago. He wasn't having sex yet but he was dating. 14/15 is pretty common for first experiences. My husband teaches 9th grade... our heads were not buried in the sand.

Fast forward to today. At 23 1/2 ds has had the same GF for 7 years. They are talking about marriage, buying a house etc.

Dating for 7 years? So, failure to launch. Sounds like you weren't as successful as this as you thought.

What are you talking about? They are 23 and 24. He graduated from college in June, she still has two more years because she's paying her own way. He is working in his chosen field, and saving for a ring and a down-payment on a house.

Failure to lauch? Hardly.

Dating for 7 years mean someone's not committed. Cool for teenagers, not cool for adults.

You’re kind of ridiculous. DH & I started dating in HS and got married 10 years later. We were busy doing things like graduating from HS, undergrad, and grad school. We’ve been married for almost 20 years, happy as ever.

Apparently that pp thinks everyone should marry at 18 and start popping out babies immediately. Forget education, maturity or growth!

24 and a college graduate is not 18.

Yeah, and it sounds like they'll be getting engaged soon. After they've been together a few years completing college, etc. Which apparently pp thinks is "too long" and "failed to launch".

Seven years together is a long time - we married two days after DH graduated/was commissioned. *shrug* And no, we're not ultra-religious. It's just there's not much point in waiting years when you know it's the right person (we only waited a year and a half because I wanted to graduate first and he was required to).

Great, that's what worked for you. Do you really judge anyone who doesn't do things exactly as you did as inferior?

Not judging. I just believe it's pretty silly to waste all these years "making sure." It's how you end up 40 and desperately wanting someone, yet being alone. Ask my sister - no, really, ask her. She'll tell you how she regrets sticking with her college boyfriend who decided he didn't want to get married after 9 years together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tried everything I could -no video games, no violent movies or tv, no toy guns or swords or any violent type play at all. Encouraged empathy and peaceful problem solving and anger management (I’m a behavioral scientist).
Society influences won and he is violent and has assaulted women.
However, if I hadn’t raised him as I did, I know he’d be 100 x worse.
I’ve long admired how boys are raised in other cultures, I think our culture in the USA is dangerous.
We excuse and allow bad behavior and mistreatment of women.
This is not keeping boys safe, this is pushing them to be violent.

I want to thank you for posting. You are getting some nasty comments, but there are SO MANY men who assault women. Probably quite a few of the posters on this thread. They don't want to admit it, or want to blame the woman, but it comes down to the men. They can be raised by great parents, and still end up raping or assaulting someone. It serves no one to brush it under the rug. I'm sorry your son is a predator, it cant be easy to live with that.

Disagree with premise. There are not “SO MANY” men who assault women.

There are far more men who assault women (and men) than there are women. 80% of violent crimes are committed by men. For sexual crimes? 94%. I'm not sure what you are disagreeing with.

They are the same pool of men over and over. The pool is relatively small but active. Most men don’t engage is violent activities.

Unfortunately the pool isn't that small. I do agree that most men don't. But many men do. And that is too many.

If most men don’t, and a large subset of those who do either are mentally ill, have substance abuse problems, or history of abuse themselves, what the heck are we talking about here?

Good question. These boy-haters have completely lost the plot at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We/I talked to ds at about 14 about consent and using protection every single time. It was more of a refresher talk because he had started dating. We were on a road trip, so a good time to chat. I told him that if she tenses up, hesitates, or pushes him away at ALL, it was time to stop. I also told him that it was just as ok for him to stop, and she needed to respect that.

We also talked about never trusting the pill (I was on birth control both times I got pregnant, and reacting to pregnancy. I also brought up not staying in a bad relationship because he liked the sex.

Yikes. Your 14 yo is having sex?

That was 9 years ago. He wasn't having sex yet but he was dating. 14/15 is pretty common for first experiences. My husband teaches 9th grade... our heads were not buried in the sand.

Fast forward to today. At 23 1/2 ds has had the same GF for 7 years. They are talking about marriage, buying a house etc.

Dating for 7 years? So, failure to launch. Sounds like you weren't as successful as this as you thought.

What are you talking about? They are 23 and 24. He graduated from college in June, she still has two more years because she's paying her own way. He is working in his chosen field, and saving for a ring and a down-payment on a house.

Failure to lauch? Hardly.

Dating for 7 years mean someone's not committed. Cool for teenagers, not cool for adults.

You’re kind of ridiculous. DH & I started dating in HS and got married 10 years later. We were busy doing things like graduating from HS, undergrad, and grad school. We’ve been married for almost 20 years, happy as ever.

Apparently that pp thinks everyone should marry at 18 and start popping out babies immediately. Forget education, maturity or growth!

24 and a college graduate is not 18.

Yeah, and it sounds like they'll be getting engaged soon. After they've been together a few years completing college, etc. Which apparently pp thinks is "too long" and "failed to launch".

Seven years together is a long time - we married two days after DH graduated/was commissioned. *shrug* And no, we're not ultra-religious. It's just there's not much point in waiting years when you know it's the right person (we only waited a year and a half because I wanted to graduate first and he was required to).

Great, that's what worked for you. Do you really judge anyone who doesn't do things exactly as you did as inferior?

Not judging. I just believe it's pretty silly to waste all these years "making sure." It's how you end up 40 and desperately wanting someone, yet being alone. Ask my sister - no, really, ask her. She'll tell you how she regrets sticking with her college boyfriend who decided he didn't want to get married after 9 years together.

Theyre 24. Not 40. Stop with the hyperbole.

[Anonymous]

Teens’ unlimited access to pornography and loose parental restrictions leads men to objectify women. Women aren’t humans with souls, they are something to be used for pleasure, but someone to conquer. What they see on the screen shapes their imagination of how/ what sex should be. Some of the stuff that is out there is truly horrific. Mothers, protect your sons!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is your DS going to protect himself in this scenario? He met a girl at a frat party, took her back to the dorm room and had consensual sex with her. The next day, someone labeled her as a wh_re, so she reported to campus police that your son raped her. Regardless of the outcome, your DD's reputation is already damaged.

Many have answered above. You teach your son that cheap premarital sex is extremely unsafe. You teach him to strongly avoid promiscuity because it would leave him vulnerable to assault allegations, STDs, and other serious risks.