Elegant comeback ideas for public school parents who

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any elegant comeback ideas for when a parent highlights their public school child got into the same college(s) as our private school daughter? The passive-aggressive point they are trying to make is that we wasted our money on private school tuition and we should have just stayed in the public system and would have ended up at the same place. So far, I've been using variations of "Good for you/them!"

The fact that you are looking for a comeback to this (and you are projecting something the other person didn’t say) means you are actually a wee bit insecure about this and the inference hit a nerve. It’s super weird when private school parents pretend they don’t hope their investment in tuition produces success and good college admission outcomes.

The weird thing is how public school parents don't understand that "better college placement" is not the motivation of every parent who chooses private over public. We have two children that attended (different) Big 3 and live in a very strong public district. One kid is the type to be in all the hardest classes and applying to T20 schools - the other was the type that is very smart but has some executive functioning challenges and took some highest level classes but not across the board. Both had the option to go to public HS and considered it. Both chose to go to their respective Big 3s based on other factors. As parents college placement had zero weight on this choice and it also did not factor in for the the kids. And we have never stated once to anyone that we think our private schools are better than the public option - they are just different paths - we are lucky enough to have the resources to pay private (and for private colleges too).

The weird thing is that if the above was the major reason for private OP would not be here sourcing “ an elegant comeback.” People who are secure in themselves and decisions a) don’t need them or b) when the rare occasion arises that they do, are readily able to respond.

Maybe - but it depends on when the OP started in private schools. Our kids started from K and we used to get so many comments from neighbors, some were shockingly judgmental. It takes getting used to - so if the OP started in HS then they may not have had as long to figure this out as we did. We have always taken the high ground and ignored it - but sometimes we still get people who say the most inappropriate things. People feel so compelled. Neighbors and close friends have backed off over time - probably because we have never taken their bait and maybe because they can see that we have never made a single negative statement about public schools and that we have never once implied private is better than public. But, we will sometimes still get comments from co-workers or parents on sports teams. And, I will admit that even among those that backed off over the years - some came back at college admissions time to say things. (but then again - lots of people have too much to say at college admissions time - it's like a bug to the light).

Over time - I have also learned to discuss my kids in conversations without talking too much about school - and I purposely avoid framing conversations in a way that indicates they are going to private (or even where they are in college). If someone asks, of course I answer.

Bottom line - even those of us who are reasonable and have thick skin and did not choose private for college admissions and never thought "private school is better than public" (just that we decided we liked what our private schools had to offer for our specific kids) - even with all this - we still run into people saying things similar to what OP is stating and we had to learn over time the best ways to respond and to change direction of such conversations.

[Anonymous]

Given that (as far as I can tell) OP never returned to this thread, and combined with the weird projection and lack of detail about the other parents’ comments, I’m pretty sure this is just a troll post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given that (as far as I can tell) OP never returned to this thread, and combined with the weird projection and lack of detail about the other parents’ comments, I’m pretty sure this is just a troll post.

You are likely correct. But it certainly brought out the best on this forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it only OP is allowed to state where her DD got in but the other parent is not?

Because OP paid for private school. She's better than public school parents and is annoyed that those lowly public school kids might have achievements similar to her kid.

Your public school kids may get into the same colleges, but they will always lack the private school je ne sais quoi.

Whenever people say things like this it’s always so hilarious to me. My best friend went to very exclusive privates in NYC from K-12 and I adore her but she is one of the most socially awkward people I know, knows nothing about food, wine, travel, etc. If your kid is socially adept and/or interested in culture, it doesn’t matter where they go to school. Likewise if they’re a wallflower.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need a "come back"? Do you need a "gotcha" to feel better about your choices?

So the OP should just sit with the insult in the face of rudeness?

It's not really an insult, just an observation. And it's not an incorrect one. Sometimes the truth is uncomfortable.

I may think you’ve gained weight. Observed it, if you will. Are you uncomfortable if I point it out? It’s not wrong. Maybe it will help you?

That's a really bad analogy. OP chose to spend the money to get a certain outcome. Her friend didn't need to spend the money. It's more like if OP had said "I took Ozempic and lost 30 pounds!" and her friend said "I ate sensibly and exercised and lost 30 pounds too!" It's not a slam at OP for using Ozempic...it's just an observation that the friend got there another way. OP clearly feels sensitive about using Ozempic (ie private school) and is reading things into her friend's comment. That's on her.

Do you not see that this sort of response is obnoxious? Have a filter - this is totally a judgement filled statement.

Why? Why can’t the second person share how they lost their weight? You only see it as judgment because you feel sensitive about how you did it. If you were totally secure about Ozempic, your friend’s statement would merely be an interesting fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need a "come back"? Do you need a "gotcha" to feel better about your choices?

So the OP should just sit with the insult in the face of rudeness?

It's not really an insult, just an observation. And it's not an incorrect one. Sometimes the truth is uncomfortable.

I may think you’ve gained weight. Observed it, if you will. Are you uncomfortable if I point it out? It’s not wrong. Maybe it will help you?

That's a really bad analogy. OP chose to spend the money to get a certain outcome. Her friend didn't need to spend the money. It's more like if OP had said "I took Ozempic and lost 30 pounds!" and her friend said "I ate sensibly and exercised and lost 30 pounds too!" It's not a slam at OP for using Ozempic...it's just an observation that the friend got there another way. OP clearly feels sensitive about using Ozempic (ie private school) and is reading things into her friend's comment. That's on her.

OP never said she paid for private school to get a certain outcome (assuming you mean college outcome)

Well then what’s she kvetching about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Are they saying "well my kid went to Public HS and is going to Same Ivy" or are they just...sharing where their kid got it?

This. If someone is saying "Well Larla is also going to Yale and that's without having blown 300k on private tuition" then by all means say "Congratulations but I have no regrets about private school because it was the learning environment we thought would best prepare our kids for college and beyond." Like just don't engage on the premise that private school is about getting into top colleges (especially because this is not a good reason to send kids to private schools!).

But I suspect that what is actually happening is that OP knows people who are just sharing the good news of their kid getting into top schools and OP is mentally doing the math on how those kids were able to do that without spending money on private school tuition and feeling like a chump and wants to one-up these people somehow as an act of defensiveness. This is all about OP's insecurities and nothing to do with the other people. As I said, sending your kids to private just to get into highly competitive colleges is a fool's errand -- it doesn't always work out that way and it's way too much money to view as an investment in a specific outcome. You have to choose private for it's intrinsic qualities and accept that college is going to work out the way it works out -- not every kid is Ivy League material even at very competitive private HSs.

+1

The odds are like one in a million for two private and public parents in the same social orbit to both have same year kids admitted to Yale. OP’s hypothetical is going to be second and third tier schools with relatively large admitted pools - e.g. UVA, Michigan, Georgetown.

This is true and I think why OP is feeling insecure. On some level I think she is disappointed in her kid's college admission outcomes and that's triggered by hearing about public school kids going to the same school. It's not that she thinks she "wasted" the money on private school. It's that her kid got into a school that is considered "second and third tier" among competitive private school families.

It's class status fear. She doesn't want to be lumped in with public school families and their great-but-not-elite college options. She wants to stay in that upper echelon and she wants her kid to stay there too. She knows kids at their private who are going to Yale and Stanford and similar. Likely some of them are real standouts and others had an "in" (legacy or donor status) that she can't replicate for her kid.

She feels she's slipping down a ladder rung and here comes some public school parent saying "oh hey look at that -- we're on the same rung!" and it is freaking. her. out.

Oh brother! Wait until OPs kid ends up dating or even marrying the free ride URM that lives across the hall - these days this is way more the likely reality of a top 25 school vs. meeting or hanging out with the Rockefeller's as some of you all are envisioning. At least the public school parent will have a ton of extra cash available for the wedding they will be paying 100 percent for. (this happens all of the time now and I know of at least 3 friends in this exact situation). So sorry to break the news to you OP - but the public school friend group is only the tip of your nightmare scenario iceberg. But just look at the bright side, your kid could end up the next Usha Vance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it only OP is allowed to state where her DD got in but the other parent is not?

Because OP paid for private school. She's better than public school parents and is annoyed that those lowly public school kids might have achievements similar to her kid.

Your public school kids may get into the same colleges, but they will always lack the private school je ne sais quoi.

lol, IYKYK

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it only OP is allowed to state where her DD got in but the other parent is not?

Because OP paid for private school. She's better than public school parents and is annoyed that those lowly public school kids might have achievements similar to her kid.

Your public school kids may get into the same colleges, but they will always lack the private school je ne sais quoi.

Whenever people say things like this it’s always so hilarious to me. My best friend went to very exclusive privates in NYC from K-12 and I adore her but she is one of the most socially awkward people I know, knows nothing about food, wine, travel, etc. If your kid is socially adept and/or interested in culture, it doesn’t matter where they go to school. Likewise if they’re a wallflower.

Private school je ne sais quoi has nothing to do with interest in culture. It's just a certain "it" factor, and really, only private alums pick up on it. Not really something a public school alum is going to be truly perceptive of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any elegant comeback ideas for when a parent highlights their public school child got into the same college(s) as our private school daughter? The passive-aggressive point they are trying to make is that we wasted our money on private school tuition and we should have just stayed in the public system and would have ended up at the same place. So far, I've been using variations of "Good for you/them!"

I’m a public school educated person that went to a fancy private college and I can tell you there’s a big difference between the private school kids and the public school kids. Just knowing that should be enough for you - the culture, the education, the writing style, etc…

There is a reason all of my friends that went to public schools now send their kids to private schools…

Weird, I had that experience and saw no noticeable difference. And I don't see one now in the workforce. Private school doesn't mean a person is smarter, or a more driven student, etc., it typically means their family has the money or connections to send a kid there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it only OP is allowed to state where her DD got in but the other parent is not?

Because OP paid for private school. She's better than public school parents and is annoyed that those lowly public school kids might have achievements similar to her kid.

Your public school kids may get into the same colleges, but they will always lack the private school je ne sais quoi.

Whenever people say things like this it’s always so hilarious to me. My best friend went to very exclusive privates in NYC from K-12 and I adore her but she is one of the most socially awkward people I know, knows nothing about food, wine, travel, etc. If your kid is socially adept and/or interested in culture, it doesn’t matter where they go to school. Likewise if they’re a wallflower.

Private school je ne sais quoi has nothing to do with interest in culture. It's just a certain "it" factor, and really, only private alums pick up on it. Not really something a public school alum is going to be truly perceptive of.

Surely with the superior vocabulary you acquired at your private school, you can find a way to describe this ineffable je ne sais quoi to a pleb such as myself. If not, I’d suggest that you are full of merde.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it only OP is allowed to state where her DD got in but the other parent is not?

Because OP paid for private school. She's better than public school parents and is annoyed that those lowly public school kids might have achievements similar to her kid.

Your public school kids may get into the same colleges, but they will always lack the private school je ne sais quoi.

So funny. I remember the word everyone was going on about on here several years ago was “polish,” as in “I can always tell private school kids because they have a certain polish.”

My kids have long since graduated (public), and all I can imagine that this means is expensive clothes and ruthless conformism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it only OP is allowed to state where her DD got in but the other parent is not?

Because OP paid for private school. She's better than public school parents and is annoyed that those lowly public school kids might have achievements similar to her kid.

Your public school kids may get into the same colleges, but they will always lack the private school je ne sais quoi.

It's called "I don't know what" because nobody's exactly sure what IT is or if it's possible to have more or less of IT. But mainly IT comes down to good luck in life, confidence, and money. Luck is influenceable but random, confidence can be learned and is free. Having money is a fact.

So basically je sais what the quoi is. It's being rich. Private school = rich.

So, the post above kinda sums it up. Your public school kids may get into the same colleges, but they'll never be rich.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it only OP is allowed to state where her DD got in but the other parent is not?

Because OP paid for private school. She's better than public school parents and is annoyed that those lowly public school kids might have achievements similar to her kid.

Your public school kids may get into the same colleges, but they will always lack the private school je ne sais quoi.

It's called "I don't know what" because nobody's exactly sure what IT is or if it's possible to have more or less of IT. But mainly IT comes down to good luck in life, confidence, and money. Luck is influenceable but random, confidence can be learned and is free. Having money is a fact.

So basically je sais what the quoi is. It's being rich. Private school = rich.

So, the post above kinda sums it up. Your public school kids may get into the same colleges, but they'll never be rich.

If a public school kid and a private school kid both end up at UVA...

The private school kid is going to get invited into a certain sorority or fraternity. They're going to be in different selective clubs. They're going to seek different internships. They're going to have different friends and dating pool. Why? Is all of this just totally random? No. It's their it factor opening doors. They're a member of the club, plus the certain soft skills, emotional IQ, confidence, swagger... the "aura" and "rizz" as kids say. Whatever "it" is, private kids have it. Even the dorky less social private kids have it.

So go ahead and celebrate that your kid clawed his or her way into the same college while you "saved" money sending them to a government K-12, but the fact is your kid is not on the same rung. And they never will be.

[Anonymous]

Their kids are still not allowed in our social circles, investment arrangements or have access to our closely held job postings. I would feel bad for them trying to keep up now because before you know it, their kids will be down in all key categories.