Elegant comeback ideas for public school parents who

[Anonymous]

*whose kids

[Anonymous]

If you look at top college admits, there are often 50% from a small private applicant pool and other 50% are from a huge public school applicant pool. Their odds are very different for winning this lottery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any elegant comeback ideas for when a parent highlights their public school child got into the same college(s) as our private school daughter? The passive-aggressive point they are trying to make is that we wasted our money on private school tuition and we should have just stayed in the public system and would have ended up at the same place. So far, I've been using variations of "Good for you/them!"

If they are explicitly saying got in the same place from public -- then something along the lines like - "Isn't it great that both of our kids loved their HS years and are both happy with their college options! Good on us for setting them up for happiness." high five!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it only OP is allowed to state where her DD got in but the other parent is not?

Because OP paid for private school. She's better than public school parents and is annoyed that those lowly public school kids might have achievements similar to her kid.

Your public school kids may get into the same colleges, but they will always lack the private school je ne sais quoi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it only OP is allowed to state where her DD got in but the other parent is not?

Because OP paid for private school. She's better than public school parents and is annoyed that those lowly public school kids might have achievements similar to her kid.

Your public school kids may get into the same colleges, but they will always lack the private school je ne sais quoi.

Be careful you don't get bugs up your nose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any elegant comeback ideas for when a parent highlights their public school child got into the same college(s) as our private school daughter? The passive-aggressive point they are trying to make is that we wasted our money on private school tuition and we should have just stayed in the public system and would have ended up at the same place. So far, I've been using variations of "Good for you/them!"

The fact that you are looking for a comeback to this (and you are projecting something the other person didn’t say) means you are actually a wee bit insecure about this and the inference hit a nerve. It’s super weird when private school parents pretend they don’t hope their investment in tuition produces success and good college admission outcomes.

The weird thing is how public school parents don't understand that "better college placement" is not the motivation of every parent who chooses private over public. We have two children that attended (different) Big 3 and live in a very strong public district. One kid is the type to be in all the hardest classes and applying to T20 schools - the other was the type that is very smart but has some executive functioning challenges and took some highest level classes but not across the board. Both had the option to go to public HS and considered it. Both chose to go to their respective Big 3s based on other factors. As parents college placement had zero weight on this choice and it also did not factor in for the the kids. And we have never stated once to anyone that we think our private schools are better than the public option - they are just different paths - we are lucky enough to have the resources to pay private (and for private colleges too).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think what they want to hear ... and it doesn't mean you need to give it to them is, "you have done a wonderful job parenting, and you have a great kid."

They mean, you had is easier. Not saying that's truth. Not saying you should agree. They are probably feeling like more has been on their shoulders.

This is also projecting a lot onto someone you don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"They are going to love it." How about ignore (what you think) is a put down. All you have to manage is cordial, if that's all you can do.

By choosing private you were saying the neighborhood kids weren't an acceptable peer group.

That's ridiculous. Why would assume people think that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any elegant comeback ideas for when a parent highlights their public school child got into the same college(s) as our private school daughter? The passive-aggressive point they are trying to make is that we wasted our money on private school tuition and we should have just stayed in the public system and would have ended up at the same place. So far, I've been using variations of "Good for you/them!"

The fact that you are looking for a comeback to this (and you are projecting something the other person didn’t say) means you are actually a wee bit insecure about this and the inference hit a nerve. It’s super weird when private school parents pretend they don’t hope their investment in tuition produces success and good college admission outcomes.

The weird thing is how public school parents don't understand that "better college placement" is not the motivation of every parent who chooses private over public. We have two children that attended (different) Big 3 and live in a very strong public district. One kid is the type to be in all the hardest classes and applying to T20 schools - the other was the type that is very smart but has some executive functioning challenges and took some highest level classes but not across the board. Both had the option to go to public HS and considered it. Both chose to go to their respective Big 3s based on other factors. As parents college placement had zero weight on this choice and it also did not factor in for the the kids. And we have never stated once to anyone that we think our private schools are better than the public option - they are just different paths - we are lucky enough to have the resources to pay private (and for private colleges too).

The weird thing is that if the above was the major reason for private OP would not be here sourcing “ an elegant comeback.” People who are secure in themselves and decisions a) don’t need them or b) when the rare occasion arises that they do, are readily able to respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear your frustration. I was a public school kid who went to a fancy college and at the time, I thought the way these other parents do - it seemed frivolous to spend so much on education.

Two things changed that opinion:

1. I had a roommate who went to Sidwell. My math and science education was on par with anyone’s (and that was my major), but the way she had thought about books and art and history was a result of way deeper thought than I had been exposed to.

2. Now that I have kids in private - it isn’t about getting them into a fancy college, though that obviously would be nice. It’s about challenging them to be best version of themselves and the attention/chance for individualization they get with resources and small class size is what I’m seeking.

I think these parents you are dealing with just don’t understand that and you are lucky to have life circumstances to appreciate those benefits. I think if you focus on this as an “IYKYK” situation, it makes it easier to let the comments slide because they just don’t get what you value. And that’s okay - but explaining it is kind of obnoxious and you should just appreciate what you have.

This... I also agree with higher point that public seems to do a great job with math/science but writing/reading/language - not so much. I went to public and was still great in college at my math heavy degree. But - man - I still suck at writing and reading compared to peers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear your frustration. I was a public school kid who went to a fancy college and at the time, I thought the way these other parents do - it seemed frivolous to spend so much on education.

Two things changed that opinion:

1. I had a roommate who went to Sidwell. My math and science education was on par with anyone’s (and that was my major), but the way she had thought about books and art and history was a result of way deeper thought than I had been exposed to.

2. Now that I have kids in private - it isn’t about getting them into a fancy college, though that obviously would be nice. It’s about challenging them to be best version of themselves and the attention/chance for individualization they get with resources and small class size is what I’m seeking.

I think these parents you are dealing with just don’t understand that and you are lucky to have life circumstances to appreciate those benefits. I think if you focus on this as an “IYKYK” situation, it makes it easier to let the comments slide because they just don’t get what you value. And that’s okay - but explaining it is kind of obnoxious and you should just appreciate what you have.

+1000

We make real sacrifice for private school. But it's not for college (DC is in 2nd grade), it's to make them an intellectually richer person.

That's good because a ton of private school kids (er, I mean, "intellectually richer people") get into colleges that are total shit. I'm glad you still feel you got your money's worth.

Name a college that you think it 'total shit."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need a "come back"? Do you need a "gotcha" to feel better about your choices?

So the OP should just sit with the insult in the face of rudeness?

It's not really an insult, just an observation. And it's not an incorrect one. Sometimes the truth is uncomfortable.

I may think you’ve gained weight. Observed it, if you will. Are you uncomfortable if I point it out? It’s not wrong. Maybe it will help you?

That's a really bad analogy. OP chose to spend the money to get a certain outcome. Her friend didn't need to spend the money. It's more like if OP had said "I took Ozempic and lost 30 pounds!" and her friend said "I ate sensibly and exercised and lost 30 pounds too!" It's not a slam at OP for using Ozempic...it's just an observation that the friend got there another way. OP clearly feels sensitive about using Ozempic (ie private school) and is reading things into her friend's comment. That's on her.

OP never said she paid for private school to get a certain outcome (assuming you mean college outcome)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need a "come back"? Do you need a "gotcha" to feel better about your choices?

So the OP should just sit with the insult in the face of rudeness?

It's not really an insult, just an observation. And it's not an incorrect one. Sometimes the truth is uncomfortable.

I may think you’ve gained weight. Observed it, if you will. Are you uncomfortable if I point it out? It’s not wrong. Maybe it will help you?

That's a really bad analogy. OP chose to spend the money to get a certain outcome. Her friend didn't need to spend the money. It's more like if OP had said "I took Ozempic and lost 30 pounds!" and her friend said "I ate sensibly and exercised and lost 30 pounds too!" It's not a slam at OP for using Ozempic...it's just an observation that the friend got there another way. OP clearly feels sensitive about using Ozempic (ie private school) and is reading things into her friend's comment. That's on her.

Do you not see that this sort of response is obnoxious? Have a filter - this is totally a judgement filled statement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they saying "well my kid went to Public HS and is going to Same Ivy" or are they just...sharing where their kid got it?

This. If someone is saying "Well Larla is also going to Yale and that's without having blown 300k on private tuition" then by all means say "Congratulations but I have no regrets about private school because it was the learning environment we thought would best prepare our kids for college and beyond." Like just don't engage on the premise that private school is about getting into top colleges (especially because this is not a good reason to send kids to private schools!).

But I suspect that what is actually happening is that OP knows people who are just sharing the good news of their kid getting into top schools and OP is mentally doing the math on how those kids were able to do that without spending money on private school tuition and feeling like a chump and wants to one-up these people somehow as an act of defensiveness. This is all about OP's insecurities and nothing to do with the other people. As I said, sending your kids to private just to get into highly competitive colleges is a fool's errand -- it doesn't always work out that way and it's way too much money to view as an investment in a specific outcome. You have to choose private for it's intrinsic qualities and accept that college is going to work out the way it works out -- not every kid is Ivy League material even at very competitive private HSs.

+1

The odds are like one in a million for two private and public parents in the same social orbit to both have same year kids admitted to Yale. OP’s hypothetical is going to be second and third tier schools with relatively large admitted pools - e.g. UVA, Michigan, Georgetown.

This is true and I think why OP is feeling insecure. On some level I think she is disappointed in her kid's college admission outcomes and that's triggered by hearing about public school kids going to the same school. It's not that she thinks she "wasted" the money on private school. It's that her kid got into a school that is considered "second and third tier" among competitive private school families.

It's class status fear. She doesn't want to be lumped in with public school families and their great-but-not-elite college options. She wants to stay in that upper echelon and she wants her kid to stay there too. She knows kids at their private who are going to Yale and Stanford and similar. Likely some of them are real standouts and others had an "in" (legacy or donor status) that she can't replicate for her kid.

She feels she's slipping down a ladder rung and here comes some public school parent saying "oh hey look at that -- we're on the same rung!" and it is freaking. her. out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any elegant comeback ideas for when a parent highlights their public school child got into the same college(s) as our private school daughter? The passive-aggressive point they are trying to make is that we wasted our money on private school tuition and we should have just stayed in the public system and would have ended up at the same place. So far, I've been using variations of "Good for you/them!"

I’m a public school educated person that went to a fancy private college and I can tell you there’s a big difference between the private school kids and the public school kids. Just knowing that should be enough for you - the culture, the education, the writing style, etc…

There is a reason all of my friends that went to public schools now send their kids to private schools…

Yes. Don’t worry. The post above confirms that your kid - who went to private school - IS better.