Elegant comeback ideas for public school parents who

[Anonymous]

You know it’s time to go touch grass when you start talking about kids having some je ne sais quoi just because the kids go to private elementary and/or high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read the comments. OP, when I encountered similar comments from an acquaintance about various purchases I made that she felt were a waste of money (new car instead of used, private school instead of public, flying to vacation instead of driving) I always just said "Oh well, true, but it's just money. You can't take it with you."

She didn't like this because then the implication is that we have so much money these purchases are inconsequential to us. The truth is we have good reasons for each of these choices, but they are none of her business, and it's so rude and nosy to quiz people about how they spend their money I never felt bad pretending we were too rich for it to make a difference. Let her stew and wonder, I don't care.

Your post isn’t really relevant here, is it? The other parent in OP’s scenario never made any similar comments about money.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Any elegant comeback ideas for when a parent highlights their public school child got into the same college(s) as our private school daughter? The passive-aggressive point they are trying to make is that we wasted our money on private school tuition and we should have just stayed in the public system and would have ended up at the same place. So far, I've been using variations of "Good for you/them!"

The fact that you are looking for a comeback to this (and you are projecting something the other person didn’t say) means you are actually a wee bit insecure about this and the inference hit a nerve. It’s super weird when private school parents pretend they don’t hope their investment in tuition produces success and good college admission outcomes.

The weird thing is how public school parents don't understand that "better college placement" is not the motivation of every parent who chooses private over public. We have two children that attended (different) Big 3 and live in a very strong public district. One kid is the type to be in all the hardest classes and applying to T20 schools - the other was the type that is very smart but has some executive functioning challenges and took some highest level classes but not across the board. Both had the option to go to public HS and considered it. Both chose to go to their respective Big 3s based on other factors. As parents college placement had zero weight on this choice and it also did not factor in for the the kids. And we have never stated once to anyone that we think our private schools are better than the public option - they are just different paths - we are lucky enough to have the resources to pay private (and for private colleges too).

The weird thing is that if the above was the major reason for private OP would not be here sourcing “ an elegant comeback.” People who are secure in themselves and decisions a) don’t need them or b) when the rare occasion arises that they do, are readily able to respond.

Maybe - but it depends on when the OP started in private schools. Our kids started from K and we used to get so many comments from neighbors, some were shockingly judgmental. It takes getting used to - so if the OP started in HS then they may not have had as long to figure this out as we did. We have always taken the high ground and ignored it - but sometimes we still get people who say the most inappropriate things. People feel so compelled. Neighbors and close friends have backed off over time - probably because we have never taken their bait and maybe because they can see that we have never made a single negative statement about public schools and that we have never once implied private is better than public. But, we will sometimes still get comments from co-workers or parents on sports teams. And, I will admit that even among those that backed off over the years - some came back at college admissions time to say things. (but then again - lots of people have too much to say at college admissions time - it's like a bug to the light).

Over time - I have also learned to discuss my kids in conversations without talking too much about school - and I purposely avoid framing conversations in a way that indicates they are going to private (or even where they are in college). If someone asks, of course I answer.

Bottom line - even those of us who are reasonable and have thick skin and did not choose private for college admissions and never thought "private school is better than public" (just that we decided we liked what our private schools had to offer for our specific kids) - even with all this - we still run into people saying things similar to what OP is stating and we had to learn over time the best ways to respond and to change direction of such conversations.

OP said the other parent stated where their child was admitted. How is that inappropriate?

No - (over multiple posts) the OP said the other parent said something akin to "my public school kid got into the same schools your private school kid got into" - I wasn't there and obviously context is important. But I'm saying that in our experience - public parents making this sort of statement (saying their kid is public and your kid is private) are the same ones who seem to repeatedly make snide comments and have some weird grudge or chip on their shoulder about the other family choosing private. Like I said - I ignore this (and by now I think it's funny....because over multiple kids in private from k-12 - I have also seen some of these same public families later end up turning to private for one of their kids....THEN they get it...that many of us are just finding a match for our kid and we never drew some imaginary line saying public isn't "good enough for us".)_

Do pls point out the posts where OP returned and identified themselves and commented.

OP said the other parent stated where their child was admitted. A statement of fact. No more, no less.

Somehow OP is allowed to say where their child was admitted. Would it have been ok if the other parent’s child was in private? Or is it just OP who is the special one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need a "come back"? Do you need a "gotcha" to feel better about your choices?

So the OP should just sit with the insult in the face of rudeness?

The OP is inventing the rudeness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any elegant comeback ideas for when a parent highlights their public school child got into the same college(s) as our private school daughter? The passive-aggressive point they are trying to make is that we wasted our money on private school tuition and we should have just stayed in the public system and would have ended up at the same place. So far, I've been using variations of "Good for you/them!"

"That's nice, dear" or "Bless your heart."

[Anonymous]

Its pretty hard to beat:

"Well, bless your heart."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its pretty hard to beat:

"Well, bless your heart."

Why is a comeback needed in this situation?

[Anonymous]

Just because they go to the same college doesn't mean they're equally capable students. And they probably won't hang with each other. Prep school kids are in their own orbit.

[Anonymous]

So upon discovering that OP’s daughter Larla got into Colgate, Bard and Pomona, public school mom was supposed to just sit there silently and not mention what a coinkidink it is that her daughter Marla got into Colgate, Bard and Pomona, too? At what point and in what way is public school parent supposed to enter this conversation so OP’s pride is sufficiently bowed down to?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why is it only OP is allowed to state where her DD got in but the other parent is not?

Because OP paid for private school. She's better than public school parents and is annoyed that those lowly public school kids might have achievements similar to her kid.

Your public school kids may get into the same colleges, but they will always lack the private school je ne sais quoi.

It's called "I don't know what" because nobody's exactly sure what IT is or if it's possible to have more or less of IT. But mainly IT comes down to good luck in life, confidence, and money. Luck is influenceable but random, confidence can be learned and is free. Having money is a fact.

So basically je sais what the quoi is. It's being rich. Private school = rich.

So, the post above kinda sums it up. Your public school kids may get into the same colleges, but they'll never be rich.

If a public school kid and a private school kid both end up at UVA...

The private school kid is going to get invited into a certain sorority or fraternity. They're going to be in different selective clubs. They're going to seek different internships. They're going to have different friends and dating pool. Why? Is all of this just totally random? No. It's their it factor opening doors. They're a member of the club, plus the certain soft skills, emotional IQ, confidence, swagger... the "aura" and "rizz" as kids say. Whatever "it" is, private kids have it. Even the dorky less social private kids have it.

So go ahead and celebrate that your kid clawed his or her way into the same college while you "saved" money sending them to a government K-12, but the fact is your kid is not on the same rung. And they never will be.

This just isn’t true. I know many people who went to private and do not have “it.”

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why do you need a "come back"? Do you need a "gotcha" to feel better about your choices?

So the OP should just sit with the insult in the face of rudeness?

Exactly. They know what they’re doing and the insulting point they’re trying to make. You can regularly find similar on DCUM.

I dunno . As a public school parent who is totally comfortable with our decision, I get a lot of “that’s great for you. My child could not survive in that environment.”

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Any elegant comeback ideas for when a parent highlights their public school child got into the same college(s) as our private school daughter? The passive-aggressive point they are trying to make is that we wasted our money on private school tuition and we should have just stayed in the public system and would have ended up at the same place. So far, I've been using variations of "Good for you/them!"

The fact that you are looking for a comeback to this (and you are projecting something the other person didn’t say) means you are actually a wee bit insecure about this and the inference hit a nerve. It’s super weird when private school parents pretend they don’t hope their investment in tuition produces success and good college admission outcomes.

X1000

Which was it, a truly better education or pay to play to maintain/enhance social status.

If it was a truly better education, you would most likely not be bothered at all.

I genuinely don’t think this is OP’s issue. I think for a certain contingent of private school parents - a top college is the goal. For others, that would be a bonus but is not the goal - we just have so many issues with public school we wouldn’t consider it regardless of the college issue. The public school parent is the one who is insecure - thinking they are making a point that “we spent no extra money” and now look our kids are going to the same place! The private school parent inherently knows their kid received a better education that will be reflected in college, the work world and beyond but then has to play along and not say anything in order to not hurt the public school parents feelings or avoid coming off snobby. I. Essence we are being asked to extend the courtesy that they are not extending to us. They are “bragging” about their great result yet we cannot brag about how our kids high school education was better than their kids.

Do you hear yourself?? Nonstop bragging

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Any elegant comeback ideas for when a parent highlights their public school child got into the same college(s) as our private school daughter? The passive-aggressive point they are trying to make is that we wasted our money on private school tuition and we should have just stayed in the public system and would have ended up at the same place. So far, I've been using variations of "Good for you/them!"

Well, what is your truth? If you don't believe that your kid benefitted from private school in ways that are not reflected in acceptances, that's a fair point. If you do, just tell them. Looking for "an elegant comeback" is a cop out.

It’s astonishing how many people think every kid admitted to say UVA or Georgetown for example have the exact same stats and capabilities. You think there is no gap between the top and bottom quartiles? The gaps are extreme, and that’s before factoring in soft skills and emotional IQ, and also, the private school network pubkic kids will never gain entry to.

The irony here is that the public school kid probably has the higher test scores etc.. in my experience at a fancy SLAC the prep school kids were def less academically skilled than the public kids whose grades were discounted. My kids went to private btw - but i think the thought process that private school kids are superior is ridiculous

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Their kids are still not allowed in our social circles, investment arrangements or have access to our closely held job postings. I would feel bad for them trying to keep up now because before you know it, their kids will be down in all key categories.

You know that most private schools are not particularly elite or well-connected, right? They’re just for insecure rich a-holes to make themselves feel superior.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Any elegant comeback ideas for when a parent highlights their public school child got into the same college(s) as our private school daughter? The passive-aggressive point they are trying to make is that we wasted our money on private school tuition and we should have just stayed in the public system and would have ended up at the same place. So far, I've been using variations of "Good for you/them!"

Well, what is your truth? If you don't believe that your kid benefitted from private school in ways that are not reflected in acceptances, that's a fair point. If you do, just tell them. Looking for "an elegant comeback" is a cop out.

It’s astonishing how many people think every kid admitted to say UVA or Georgetown for example have the exact same stats and capabilities. You think there is no gap between the top and bottom quartiles? The gaps are extreme, and that’s before factoring in soft skills and emotional IQ, and also, the private school network pubkic kids will never gain entry to.

And why not? Are you trying to build a taller wall?