Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's an insensitive thing to say because as women we are all supposed to be empathetic to the fact that no matter what women do regarding work and motherhood someone is going to judge us and we're going to feel guilty.

But also I think people say this sometimes because they are just being honest and it's how they feel. Just like I think women who go back to work actually sometimes do it because they are bored out of their minds at home with babies and want to "use their brains." I also know women who have said that they went back to work because they believe their kids are better off being raised by nannies or caregivers who are "experts" as opposed to a sahm.

All of these things will be hurtful to hear to someone who made a different choice and they are also things people actually think and feel. Women are presented with this impossible choice (if they are fortunate to even have a choice at all which most are not) and there is no answer that will ever be right for everyone so we all do this dance with each other about our choices and we offend each other constantly because there's no way for us to all validate each other and ourselves at the same time unless we all make the same choice.

But we cannot all make the same choice because we are different people with different kids and different professions and different finances and different partners and different resources.

I just try to remember all that whenever I talk to other women about this stuff and when they say things that can be viewed as an insult to my choices. They aren't really talking about me. It's just about them. And that's fine.

But why do we need to be validating our own choices to other people? DH and I made the decisions right for our family (career choices, number of kids, where to live, what schools to send them to, etc.) based on our own personal life circumstances and priorities. I am under no illusion that our choices are the “best ever” or even “better” than what other families have chosen. But I am secure we’ve made decisions that make our family happy.

I can have a conversation with another parent who made different choices than me without needing to justify/explain things in a way that belittle their choices. For instance I have a friend who is a SAHM with a big law DH. When talking to her I 100% understand why it would be logistically a nightmare for her to try to be the primary parent for 3 kids and work since he is gone long hours. Whereas I work FT but my DH also has a super flexible remote job and can help with a lot of the morning routine, shuttling kids around, etc. We can both discuss our lives and the situational decisions we’ve made without making generalized conclusions that our choice is better than the other.

I feel sorry for those who lack the ability to understand their life choices are not necessarily the best choices for others and that we do not need validate ourselves at the expense of putting down others.

This is how most well adjusted people function. The rest don't see how classless they come off putting others down and getting snippy about the decisions of others. I do think there are also genuinely unaware people who are hyper focused on their own reasons (use my brain, raise my kids) that they say it out loud without meaning to imply insult or even that someone else isn't doing that. Honestly, most of us aren't so blatant but likely don't realize all the ways we've insulted others day to day. Still, some people do mean offense and it usually doesn't sting unless you are hearing a chorus of it. Funny enough, I've been hearing one resounding sentiment but from experience on this site, other women get the flip side advised to them by their family so I can understand their defensiveness.

You're almost there. When people talk about their own decisions, they are not putting others down. Others are interpreting other people's statements as if they are reflections upon themselves when other people are just talking about themselves. It is people's insecurity and self-absorption that causes people to be offended by other people's statements about their own situations. People are not classless when they talk about their own situation. People are insecure when they are offended when other people talk about their situation.

It isn't about you.

People’s choices are about them but sometimes the language encompasses other people’s behavior. Do you really not see the difference between “I wanted to spend time with my kids when they are little” and “ I didn’t want someone else raising my kids”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My coworker said that his wife is staying home because she “likes spending time with her kids.” I was hurt.

That says more about you than him. The fact That you would somehow perceive this as a slight against you reveals your insecurity and your victim mindset.

Did not see it as a slight against me, but he could have phrased in a way that does not sound as if women who work don’t like spending time with their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who doesn’t realize saying this is potentially going to ruffle some feathers has low EQ.

So the choices are you knowingly say things that are going to make some people feel a certain kind of way and you don’t care or you have low EQ. So I’m not offended but then I form an opinion of you probably.

Yep it's this.

EQ shouldn't be a synonym for not being able to express controversial ideas, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's an insensitive thing to say because as women we are all supposed to be empathetic to the fact that no matter what women do regarding work and motherhood someone is going to judge us and we're going to feel guilty.

But also I think people say this sometimes because they are just being honest and it's how they feel. Just like I think women who go back to work actually sometimes do it because they are bored out of their minds at home with babies and want to "use their brains." I also know women who have said that they went back to work because they believe their kids are better off being raised by nannies or caregivers who are "experts" as opposed to a sahm.

All of these things will be hurtful to hear to someone who made a different choice and they are also things people actually think and feel. Women are presented with this impossible choice (if they are fortunate to even have a choice at all which most are not) and there is no answer that will ever be right for everyone so we all do this dance with each other about our choices and we offend each other constantly because there's no way for us to all validate each other and ourselves at the same time unless we all make the same choice.

But we cannot all make the same choice because we are different people with different kids and different professions and different finances and different partners and different resources.

I just try to remember all that whenever I talk to other women about this stuff and when they say things that can be viewed as an insult to my choices. They aren't really talking about me. It's just about them. And that's fine.

But why do we need to be validating our own choices to other people? DH and I made the decisions right for our family (career choices, number of kids, where to live, what schools to send them to, etc.) based on our own personal life circumstances and priorities. I am under no illusion that our choices are the “best ever” or even “better” than what other families have chosen. But I am secure we’ve made decisions that make our family happy.

I can have a conversation with another parent who made different choices than me without needing to justify/explain things in a way that belittle their choices. For instance I have a friend who is a SAHM with a big law DH. When talking to her I 100% understand why it would be logistically a nightmare for her to try to be the primary parent for 3 kids and work since he is gone long hours. Whereas I work FT but my DH also has a super flexible remote job and can help with a lot of the morning routine, shuttling kids around, etc. We can both discuss our lives and the situational decisions we’ve made without making generalized conclusions that our choice is better than the other.

I feel sorry for those who lack the ability to understand their life choices are not necessarily the best choices for others and that we do not need validate ourselves at the expense of putting down others.

Because not everyone has great choices and a lot of people wind up forced into whatever route they took. Good for you that you liked your available choices and made one that worked great for you family. Lots of people are not in that situation and feel inherently defensive about their situation because they wish they'd had other choices but didn't.

A lot of the problem here is that we frame this as a choice when it's actually not for a significant portion of the population. If you genuinely got to choose and all of the available options were financially and logistically realistic for your family then you are are an extreme outlier. Even among upper middle class families people don't always have choices -- there are huge differences depending on what kind of work you and your partner do and how your incomes are distributed between partners and what kind of family help you have and where you live.

We act like women are choosing off a menu but in reality most people are kind of pushed into one option or another and tryign to make it work for their families. Of course people are defensive and seeking validation.

Ok but even if backed into a choice why do you have to insult others?

That is a good question.

[Anonymous]

The truth is the decisions we make with regard to childcare do impact eachother, which is why these threads get so heated. When two parents working is the norm the cost of living will reflect that. It does mean a relative sacrifice for a parent to stay home, ie less money for a nicer house or less money for college savings. So why did op even ask someone why a spouse doesn’t work? Because that’s the default and therefore they want them to ‘explain’ their choice. I work part time and have a part time nanny. My kids don’t do afterschool or daycare. It’s a big hit for us financially probably close to 100k a year including income loss. Yes the 529 will be less. Yes We live in a more modest house in a further out exurb to afford this. Yes we consciously do this so I can spend more time with our kids. Will it make a difference in their long term success/well being? Maybe but probably not. But it’s what I want to do with my life right now and my dh agrees as long as we are budgeting our lifestyle accordinglly. Some people also pay more to attend an ‘elite’ daycare or private school. Some people spend tens of thousands on travel sports. Everyone prioritizes their kids in different ways. I do think women should keep a foot in the door of the job world in case of divorce, death, or job loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think after a certain number of hours a day or per week, someone else is absolutely raising your children if you use care, whether it is a nanny, immediate or extended family, daycare, or a child care center.

I also think that some people will use the phrase to signal parental superiority while others may use it to signal despair.

+1 agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who doesn’t realize saying this is potentially going to ruffle some feathers has low EQ.

So the choices are you knowingly say things that are going to make some people feel a certain kind of way and you don’t care or you have low EQ. So I’m not offended but then I form an opinion of you probably.

Yep it's this.

EQ shouldn't be a synonym for not being able to express controversial ideas, though.

Why do you need to express controversial ideas in this context? We’re in not HS debate anymore.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone even ask why someone chose to work or stay home? I mean if you ask the question, then you should be prepared to hear the answer even if it feels judgy and unpleasant. The issue is that I don’t think people are asking the question before someone volunteers the explanation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's an insensitive thing to say because as women we are all supposed to be empathetic to the fact that no matter what women do regarding work and motherhood someone is going to judge us and we're going to feel guilty.

But also I think people say this sometimes because they are just being honest and it's how they feel. Just like I think women who go back to work actually sometimes do it because they are bored out of their minds at home with babies and want to "use their brains." I also know women who have said that they went back to work because they believe their kids are better off being raised by nannies or caregivers who are "experts" as opposed to a sahm.

All of these things will be hurtful to hear to someone who made a different choice and they are also things people actually think and feel. Women are presented with this impossible choice (if they are fortunate to even have a choice at all which most are not) and there is no answer that will ever be right for everyone so we all do this dance with each other about our choices and we offend each other constantly because there's no way for us to all validate each other and ourselves at the same time unless we all make the same choice.

But we cannot all make the same choice because we are different people with different kids and different professions and different finances and different partners and different resources.

I just try to remember all that whenever I talk to other women about this stuff and when they say things that can be viewed as an insult to my choices. They aren't really talking about me. It's just about them. And that's fine.

But why do we need to be validating our own choices to other people? DH and I made the decisions right for our family (career choices, number of kids, where to live, what schools to send them to, etc.) based on our own personal life circumstances and priorities. I am under no illusion that our choices are the “best ever” or even “better” than what other families have chosen. But I am secure we’ve made decisions that make our family happy.

I can have a conversation with another parent who made different choices than me without needing to justify/explain things in a way that belittle their choices. For instance I have a friend who is a SAHM with a big law DH. When talking to her I 100% understand why it would be logistically a nightmare for her to try to be the primary parent for 3 kids and work since he is gone long hours. Whereas I work FT but my DH also has a super flexible remote job and can help with a lot of the morning routine, shuttling kids around, etc. We can both discuss our lives and the situational decisions we’ve made without making generalized conclusions that our choice is better than the other.

I feel sorry for those who lack the ability to understand their life choices are not necessarily the best choices for others and that we do not need validate ourselves at the expense of putting down others.

This is how most well adjusted people function. The rest don't see how classless they come off putting others down and getting snippy about the decisions of others. I do think there are also genuinely unaware people who are hyper focused on their own reasons (use my brain, raise my kids) that they say it out loud without meaning to imply insult or even that someone else isn't doing that. Honestly, most of us aren't so blatant but likely don't realize all the ways we've insulted others day to day. Still, some people do mean offense and it usually doesn't sting unless you are hearing a chorus of it. Funny enough, I've been hearing one resounding sentiment but from experience on this site, other women get the flip side advised to them by their family so I can understand their defensiveness.

You're almost there. When people talk about their own decisions, they are not putting others down. Others are interpreting other people's statements as if they are reflections upon themselves when other people are just talking about themselves. It is people's insecurity and self-absorption that causes people to be offended by other people's statements about their own situations. People are not classless when they talk about their own situation. People are insecure when they are offended when other people talk about their situation.

It isn't about you.

Lol, there are tons of unpersonal put downs in this thread alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone even ask why someone chose to work or stay home? I mean if you ask the question, then you should be prepared to hear the answer even if it feels judgy and unpleasant. The issue is that I don’t think people are asking the question before someone volunteers the explanation.

Yes, they do ask. The typical DMV question is where do you work? Where does your spouse work? It is the most common thing in our area. It is how we judge and value eachother in this area, sadly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a reason for why one spouse chose not to work or works from home/at a flexible part time job? Or is this an acceptable turn of phrase?

Would I be bothered by someone saying that they made professional choices because they didn’t want someone else raising their children? No, I would not. That’s perfectly legitimate. I am full time remote at a large public company and have three young children and we have a nanny. I don’t really get offended or upset by other peoples’ choices unless someone or something is being harmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone even ask why someone chose to work or stay home? I mean if you ask the question, then you should be prepared to hear the answer even if it feels judgy and unpleasant. The issue is that I don’t think people are asking the question before someone volunteers the explanation.

Yes, they do ask. The typical DMV question is where do you work? Where does your spouse work? It is the most common thing in our area. It is how we judge and value eachother in this area, sadly.

Typical DMV question is do you work out of the home?

The answer is no, I say at home.
The wrong answer is ... I raise my own children.

It might be to judge if you're an a-hole or it might be to find common ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone even ask why someone chose to work or stay home? I mean if you ask the question, then you should be prepared to hear the answer even if it feels judgy and unpleasant. The issue is that I don’t think people are asking the question before someone volunteers the explanation.

Yes, they do ask. The typical DMV question is where do you work? Where does your spouse work? It is the most common thing in our area. It is how we judge and value eachother in this area, sadly.

That is not at all the same as asking *why* you chose to work or not. “I am home during the day with my children right now.”

[Anonymous]

I worked 7-3:30 and my H worked 3-11. Babysitter from 2-4.

I just say, we have decided it best for our kids to have 2 parents instead of one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone even ask why someone chose to work or stay home? I mean if you ask the question, then you should be prepared to hear the answer even if it feels judgy and unpleasant. The issue is that I don’t think people are asking the question before someone volunteers the explanation.

Yes, they do ask. The typical DMV question is where do you work? Where does your spouse work? It is the most common thing in our area. It is how we judge and value eachother in this area, sadly.

It's not a judgement, it's just making conversation, asking to understand how people spend their day. If you answer with your job, or that you are a student, or a SAHM/SAHD/SAHP/housewife/homemaker, or a NEET, then that's the answer to the question. Not a judgement, not an indictment.

I want to know more about you. I don't want to attack you or offend you.